Monday, November 17, 2008

The Visitors

Once upon a time there was a lovely deeply insane woman who purchased a big decrepit beautiful old house. She was thrilled that she had finally found somewhere to call home and with just millions of dollars of a few repairs it would be her dream home.

The deeply insane woman was terrified of rodents. Oh I don’t mean those cute little chip monks on the cartoons who are always saying “After you.” “Oh, NO! After you” and not the cute little mouse that gets chased by that mean old cat. I am talking about those nasty stinky dirty rodents known as rats and mice. Never fear, for the deeply insane lady had three very brave and also deeply insane Yorkshire Terriers who were bred to find and chase the rodents out of the castles. The only problem was the trio of demented terriers were kept in a kennel while the deeply disturbed lady was toiling away to pay for the millions of dollars of repairs.

The deranged lady came home from work one day and walked into the crumbling laundry room and saw what she thought were the three maniacal terriers running out of the room. Yet when she looked in the kennel she saw her rabid sweet little puppies trying to gnaw their way out of the kennel waiting patiently to be let out. The demented woman thought to herself “If my three little shit heads sweet puppies are in the kennel then what just ran through the laundry room?” Then it dawned on me her that it was those dirty stinky disease ridden rodents. She quickly opened the door to the kennel to let her berserk sweet little doggies out to get the intruders. Only they were unable to reach them before the wily rodents escaped. This took place several days in a row with the cagey rodents would outsmart the frenzied little terriers.

Then my the lady’s father suggested she get some rat poison and place it high up on the furniture so the sweet little puppies couldn’t get it but the rodents could. This particular poison caused the rodents to become very dehydrated and search out water. The very wise father explained to the woman that they would go outside and find a source of water and there they would die. Not being a cruel person she just wanted the rodents to die a slow and painful death go away, but felt she had no other options. So she put out the poison and went to bed with her three little sweet bed-hog terriers.

This very beautiful money-pit house had a downstairs bathroom that was just off of the study and that is where the old crone of a beautiful lady would slather on apply her make-up. Early the next morning at the crack of noon she and the three rabid sweet puppies went downstairs to complete their morning routine. The puppies did their sniffing and snorting outside and came in to pile up on the couch and sleep watch in awe and wonder as the haggard beautiful woman piled lightly applied her make-up. Just as she went to apply her lip gloss she heard a sound coming from the toilet. She looked past the sink and into the open toilet to see a huge rodent, a rodent the size of a Saint Bernard doing the one arm breast stroke in her toilet. The completely crazed calm woman quickly and quietly slammed shut the toilet lid and ran screaming gracefully walked from the room. I the lady then called the exterminator and shrieked incoherently into the phone asked them to come immediately as soon as they had time.

About five minutes later that day the door bell rang. The lady opened the door to find THE exTERMINATOR at the door. Hand to God he said “Ma’am you called for a hired killer?” To which the lady answered “OHMYGAWDWHATTOOKYOUSOLONG??? THERE IS A MONSTER RAT IN MY TOILET KILL IT! KILL IT NOW. Why, yes kind sir. I have a slight rodent problem and if you check my downstairs toilet you will find the first of many I’m afraid”.
The exTerminator went all through the house up and down even under and set out traps. He put them high and low and said that he would come and check them every morning and every afternoon and remove any “kills”.

Late that night the beautiful woman was asleep in her bed when she heard a horrible rustle and tussle up in the attic. Her sweet vigilant sleeping terriers did nothing but sleep
kept a vigil. The commotion went on for sometime in the attic but the woman knew that the ex Terminator would be back in the morning to take care of whatever had caused the noise.

The next morning while the haggard beautiful woman had her morning coffee the exTerminator returned to collect his kill. He ascended the attic stairs and then there was a stream of expletives and stomping around. He descended the attic with an empty trap and a bunch of glue pads stuck all over himself. He looked at me and said “Lady, I don’t know what is in that attic but it’s a monster! It took the bait and tore itself off the glue traps.” Then with an unnatural gleam in his eye he turned to look at me and said “I’ll be back”. Then in a poof he was gone.

He returned some time later with a larger trap and enough peanut butter to feed a small third world country. He baited the trap and reset the glue boards and assured me that he would get the varmint. Again he was gone. When I the crazed woman returned from work to let her little demented terriers out of their kennel she again saw the giant rabid blood sucking rodents (ok maybe they weren’t blood sucking).

The now the exasperated insane woman was beside herself. She had hired a killer and she still had giant rodents. So she called the head exTerminator and asked him to come look at the problem. When he showed up he looked the money pit house over and said he had just the thing. He brought in a large animal trap with jaws like you think of when someone says bear trap. Then he smiled and patted the insane woman on the shoulder and assured her all would be well. He advised her if she heard a loud commotion to call him immediately day or night and handed her a card with his emergency number on it.

The crazed woman went to bed hoping to sleep without being attacked by giant rodents and/or stray meteors. She woke with a start to a horrible catterwailing and commotion above her head. It was as if a thousand screaming screeching banshees had congregated in her attic space just above her head. She jumped up and grabbed the phone and dialed the exTerminator. He sleepily answered the phone but promised he would be right there.

The exTerminator arrived wearing his black jumpsuit and his combat boots with black smudges under his eyes (I really don’t think he had been sleeping well. Maybe he had banshees in his attic too). He took the stairs to the attic two at a time. From her bedroom the crazy woman could hear what sounded like a full fledge battle. There was banging and clanging and even some screaming, but mostly from the woman. Then she heard the exTerminator coming down the stairs and she ran out to meet him. There he stood with the granddaddy of all rats in the bear trap still squirming and twitching. The exTerminator looked at the crazy lady and said “He put up a real good fight. Would you like to have him stuffed?”

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