Friday, January 23, 2009

Open Wide


I was lying there looking up at the light. I felt drawn to the light. It was bright and warm and held my gaze. Then I heard it that sound, that unmistakable whirring sound. I closed my eyes to the light and tried to relax. Then it got closer and closer and I had to open my eyes and look. I couldn’t help myself I had to see the monster that was coming at me. I opened my eyes and saw the hand holding the instrument of torture heading right for me. I flinched and grimaces but I couldn’t move. My mouth was open in a soundless scream.




The dentist put her hand on my shoulder and asked “You ok?” How was I supposed to answer her? I mean a truck load of workers had just driven a stake-bed truck loaded with picks, jackhammers and dynamite into my mouth. They were to be followed by a concrete truck and another crew with rakes and screeds. A super sucker vacuum had been attached to my saliva gland and an oxygen mask had been slapped on my face. I looked up through my safety glasses at my attacker and she tried to smile through her own oxygen mask. She again patted my shoulder and instructed the jackhammer to begin drilling.


The chair began to quake and my body began to vibrate. She climbed upon the chair and bore down harder trying to get every ounce of the old filling out of my tooth. You see I had mercury filling in a cracked tooth that needed to come out. Dr. Bettermouth was determined to get every single spec of the offending filler out of that tooth. She instructed the crew to suck and drill and grind until she could take a hook like instrument after the tooth. She pulled and tugged and then would go back to the jackhammer. I would close my eyes and try not to think about the horrors being performed on my tooth.

She then pronounced the tooth cleaned out. She called for the concrete truck and they backed up and dumped a load into the tooth. Then she went after the white amalgam with the zeal of a master craftsman. She pushed and pulled and shaped and formed until she had it just perfect. I lay with my eyes closed not wishing to watch the various instruments being inserted into my small mouth. Hey just because I talk a lot doesn’t mean I have a big mouth, it’s actually quiet petite. Finally after sanding and scraping the filling was in place and I was unhooked, unfettered and unsuctioned.


I sat up and put my hand to my face and felt the skin and tissue sliding down my face. I tried to talk but all that came out was “thankabu. Candibagobanow?” In my head I thought oh shit I sound like that kid, Mushmouth, from the Fat Albert Show. I went to the front and paid my life savings to the clerk and turned to go. Just as I turned I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I was hideous! I was frightening! The whole left side of my face was slowly but surely going to slide right down on the floor in a puddle and I was going to have to scrap it up and super glue it back on.



I walked out the door and passed several workers shoveling snow. They looked at horridness and then quickly looked away averting their eyes hoping not to engage me.
I walked on to more of the same type of stares and quick aversions. It was then I noticed my limp that I had picked up. My left butt cheek had been clinched so tight that my leg had fallen asleep and wasn’t working right. Then I realized I had my hand drawn up beside me in the shape of a claw. I looked around at the people sneaking pathetic peeks at me. Then I announced in my Mushmouth voice “Imba notba ambinal! Imba humbabeana!” and with that I walked away dragging my foot and wiping the slobber from my mouth.

15 comments:

Girly Stuff said...

If you think modern day dentistry is so bad...remember...there used to be no anesthetic. So you should be thankful for that slack-jawed look! Thankful I tell you!!!!

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I have a bunch of mercury fillings that need to be replaced. I'm waiting until I get a job as a teacher with the fantastical dental insurance--no way would I have it done by an HMO dentist.

Queen Goob said...

See, here's where we're different...I would have stopped at a store and bought a drink just so I could attempt to sip through the straw KNOWING it was going to dribble down the front of my jacket.

Was it anything like this?
http://facemelt.us/Melt.jpg

John Merrick said...

That sshhliii isn't sshhliii funny.

Queenie said...

You are toooo funny...

Staci said...

My Lord, I just spit my coffee all over the screen. Hilarious!

Anna Lefler said...

LOL! Sincere LOL!

So glad you survived. Dentists are the spawn of Satan.

They'll deny it, but it's true.

:^) Anna

Tee said...

LOL! I hate going to the dentist. Too many childhood memories that were horror stories!

The Inept Aspirant said...

ROFL!

lagirl said...

It always seems like the dentist should pay ME to come sit in that chair and be tortured by him, not the other way around...Thank God for nitrous!!

morethananelectrician said...

Even though I am sorry you had to experience this at your dentist, but I AM glad you wrote about it. How often do you get to use a mushmouth reference in your daily life. I try every couple of months, but the younger generation doesn't know who he is...

Renovation Therapy said...

OMG. I'm so sorry...and yet giggling...

byebyepie said...

Ugh. The dentist is my least-most favorite thing. They should knock you out like with any other surgery. It's barbaric.

But hey! You're my comment of the week, my drooly friend! You do have to share the honors as there was a tie. With...yourself. You tied with yourself!

Beth said...

And with your dignity intact...

I have an appointment soon to have an old filling replaced. Timely reminder of my fear of the dentist and drills.

Cher said...

Dentists have high suicide rates. Hmmmm, wonder why.

The Texas Woman