Thursday, February 12, 2009

Trooper Bob and the Diamondback Rattlesnake


He heard it before he saw it. He heard the buzz and the rattle. It sounded like a big one. He took his flashlight and shined it toward the sound. It was coiled there just inches from his boot. Moving slowly Trooper Bob pulled his revolver and shot. The snake jumped striking out just as the bullet pierced its vital organs. Trooper Bob jumped back missing the strike of the snake. Trooper Bob waited for the snake to finish his death march and then with a smirk he got a burlap sack out of his trunk and carefully placed the snake inside. He had plans for the snake.









Back at headquarters Lieutenant Miller was about to come on duty. He would make his usual rounds. He would fix himself a cup of coffee then check the dispatch log. Then as the coffee started to work its magic he would make his way past his treasured chest freezer in the back next to the restroom. He would stop open the freezer and check its contents. You see Lt. Miller loved to hunt. It was his passion, it was his love, and it was his life. When Lt. Miller wasn’t being Lt. Miller he was Outback Miller. He would go out and hunt Javalina, antelope and deer in the El Paso area. He would take weeks off and hunt elk in Colorado and bear in Montana. He only had one little quirk about hunting. He hated snakes. He feared them and he loathed them. Miller believed the only good snake was a dead snake. Miller was also a man of routine.





Trooper Bob arrived back at headquarters after Lt. Miller made his morning rounds. He greeted Lt. Miller and inquired how things were going. Lt. Miller ever the hunting enthusiast told Trooper Bob about his upcoming hunting excursion. He told him that in fact he would be out the next couple of days and was looking forward to a little excursion in the Sonoran desert. Trooper Bob responded with best wishes and happy hunting and went to the break room and completed his reports for the night. Then Bob left to sleep the day away knowing what he needed to do.



Shortly after midnight the next morning when headquarters was quiet Trooper Bob crept in the back door with the burlap sack in hand. He snuck to Lt. Miller’s big chest freezer and opened the lid. He took the 4 foot long desert diamond back snake out of the bag and coiled it on top of the packages of Miller’s precious game meat. He coiled it so that the head was pointed up and he took his pen out of his pocket and propped the jaw open as if the snake were in mid strike. He positioned the huge rattle on the snake’s tail so it to was up in the ready position. Then he quietly closed the frozen coffin and left quietly through the back door. No one saw him; no one knew he had been there.

Trooper Bob went on about his midnight shift as if he had never visited the headquarters’ big coffin shaped chest freezer. He never said a word to anyone about the snake or his plan.
Lt. Miller had been successful on his hunting excursion and had several precious packages to place in this chest of treasures. He arrived at headquarters his first day back with a box of butcher paper wrapped packages. He greeted the dispatch office. He grabbed the call sheet. His plan was to deposit his prize in the freezer and then grab his coffee and peruse the list of recent happenings. He sat his package on the table. He reached over and grabbed the handle and opened the freezer. He screamed like a little girl in a horror movie. He pulled his revolver from its holster and started firing at the deadly snake ready to sink its teeth into his flesh. He unloaded his chamber into his freezer and missed the frozen snake altogether. Yes Lt. Outback Miller had successfully killed his freezer and the contents but had failed to strike the snake. Miller also did not need his coffee that morning to work its magic for the snake had taken care of that.

As for Trooper Bob, serendipity was on his side. It was his day off. He was absolved of the deed. This did not matter to Lt. Miller. He brought each Trooper in and interrogated them as to who was the prankster. He could never prove it and he never really knew. Trooper Bob skated on another one.

3 comments:

Bob said...

Years later I VISTED WITH then MAJ. Miller IN HOUSTON TEX.. OVER A CUP OF COFFEE WE TALKED ABOUT OLD TIMES IN EL PASO. MILLER BROUGHT UP THE SUBJECT OF THE RATTLE SNAKE. AFTER I TOLD HIM MY SIDE OF THE STORY WE HAD A GOOD LAUGH...TROOPER BOB

Mrs Parks said...

CLASSIC!
I felt like I was there.
What a great story and SO well told.

Tee said...

Reminds me of my friends (former co-workers) telling me about two geese that were left in the manager office at an unnamed air traffic control tower over a three-day weekend with lots of food and water. There was goose poop even on the ceiling. ROFL! An official investigation was conducted, but the real "subject" of the investigation was never determined. I have my suspicions as to who the "subject" might be.