There are a million stories in the city.
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-20-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
7:41 a.m. A German Shepherd was sitting on someone’s porch on North Riding in Kalispell. It appeared that she was lost.
Evidently she wasn’t too lost she found a porch to sit on. Maybe she didn't speak English and couldn't read the road signs to find her way home.
Hence the EX in EX-husband
Which rascal? Spanky? Alfalfa? Buckwheat? Personally my favorite was always Stymie
.1:01 p.m. There was a fire drill at a veteran’s home.
I would have thought they were used to drilling I mean since they are military.
3:12 p.m. A person called from England about a problem they had with a cat.
What? As in Jolly Old? As in hands across the water? As in on another continent? Don’t they have people who can help with cats in England?
Sure it was an accident. I’m telling you there are all kinds of oddities at that dump.
Mom! He’s touching me. Tell him to stop touching me.
Wow I wish my sister had that kind of ESP. She could tell me where I lost my keys.
10:12 a.m. A wench was stolen on Prairie View Road.
Was she stolen by a pirate?
I bet when his mom gets ahold of him he wishes he could just stay in jail.
Sounds like an upstanding citizen. I know I would rent to him.
Were they shooting fish in a barrel? I have always heard that expression but I’ve never seen anyone do it. It seems to me it would cause the barrel to drain and you would be able to gather the fish anyway. Come to think of it if they are in a barrel why do you need to shoot them?
Of the stuff or of who stole it. If you can’t identify your own stuff then you have too much stuff and maybe who ever stole it really did you a favor.
What Julius isn’t telling us that before the dogs started their chasing the jogger was just a stroller.
The Eagle Lands at Dawn. Oh wait we aren’t speaking in code?
What was she going to commit suicide via Mastercard?
Good shot. You got that Turkey didn’t you?
Deer on ice? Then shouldn’t it be called venison?
I’m glad they were domesticated because I have heard that those Wild Poodles are pretty dangerous. Especially the pink ones.
Maybe they were deaf and speaking sign language.
7:24 a.m. A vehicle on Sherman Lane was repossessed.
He really wasn’t too upset about the refrigerator he was upset about the beer that was in it.
Him: That bitch! She stole my refrigerator. I want you to arrest her!
Officer: Can you tell me what kind it was.
Him: It was Miller Lite. I had two cases in that fridge.
What to the food bowl? I want to know what he is beating them to?
6:40 p.m. Someone heard a woman screaming. Her location is not known.
She is probably in one of those re-possessed cars.
Where? Where did he use the bathroom in the middle of the store? On the frozen foods?
If the train leaves point A at a certain time and the bus leaves point B at a certain time at what time will the boy realize that there is a pay phone to call a cab in the lobby?
My mom used to pull my hair too. Her excuse was she was getting the tangles out of it.
11:15 p.m. An intoxicated man took a spill and was transported to the hospital. His injuries weren’t serious enough to stop him from rolling a cigarette before catching a ride.
Glad to see he has his priorities in order
They're coming to take me away, HA HAThey're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HATo the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the timeAnd I'll be happy to seeThose nice, young men In their clean, white coatsAnd they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
Holy SMOKES! He is 49 years old maybe he went out and got laid or something.
The refrigerator bandit has struck again! Quick chain up your Sub-Zero’s.
6:14 p.m. Some longboarders bombed a hill in Lakeside near Club Trappers Creek. The caller was worried they were going to get smacked by a car.
Gnarly Dude! The waves were bitchin!
Was he talking to himself or his invisible friend?
The evil spirits in the reposssessed car told them to follow.
Now you can’t even stand at the curb and wave at cars anymore. What fun is there in being a kid?
That sounds like everyone in Southern California. Maybe he got lost leaving L.A.
9:51 a.m. Two girls said a man asked them to help him find his dog. The girls, ages 3 and 5, refused. The man was in a gray truck.
Where is Chris Hanson when you need him?
I bet he told them that Mommy is the refrigerator bandit.
Ok let’s assess this.
Mistake # 1…A man, WHO WAS IN A BAR….
Mistake #2….See Mistake #1
Friday: Read it.