There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 5-12-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).
11:53 a.m. A “late model RAV 4” was seen on Lost Creek Lane. It was gold.
Wow it was made of gold? No wonder they reported it.
About the cats living under her house or that they are pregnant? She might try kitty birth control.
What did he yell? PIGS! Dirty Rotten Coppers? (O.K. maybe I’ve watched too many old James Cagney movies)
Did they just now find out he stole the trailer?
How do they know they were 7th and 8th graders if they didn’t catch them? Maybe they were old people dressed like 7th and 8th graders.
Why do I immediately hear the soundtrack to Dr. Shivago?
Those Home apppraisers are very suspicious. The bigger question is what kind of proof? I mean do they carry a home inspector badge? "Hello, I am Inspector Cleusou. I am a hume inspector."
Um, yeah, I would say that is a compound fracture. I bet he compounded some phrases when it happened.
6:42 a.m. The side door of a construction trailer on Wild Wood Court in Lakeside was ripped off.
Bigfoot is back and he is not happy.
Maybe he was mad at the house.
Maybe Bigfoot thought it was a mirror.
If they were unknown then how do they know they were taken?
Hum, I guess that you are not allowed to walk around on Conrad Drive.
How many times do I have to say this? Parent your children!
Does this mean there is a new Pope?
That makes sense because they now can have fresh boxes everyday.
A bike chop shop?
My knees are pretty bad when I drink too. They usually get swimmy and wobbly afer my 6th Appletini. I'm just sayin....
8:30 p.m. Allegedly, a man pushed a woman into a ditch north of Ice Box Canyon. A deputy investigated and found the couple walking hand in hand.
He must have had some bad back pain.
4:18 a.m. A girl’s boyfriend and father had a disagreement.
Here is a little tip from Gladys. Don't piss off your girlfriends daddy. He can make your life miserable.
Were they together?
Well at least he wasn’t walking around because THAT just isn’t allowed.
Sure that was an accident. Sure it was just a moment. He did that on purpose.
And she called because she wasn’t invited?
10:33 a.m. A man said his estranged wife was harassing him.
Why can’t people just leave each other alone. It’s over, get over it and move on.
2:58 p.m. A man, who was described as 6’1” with a black shirt and a bad attitude, refused to leave a gambling establishment. He did once the law was mentioned.
Johnny Cash is at it again.
Oh MY GAWD! ARREST HIM NOW! A fake leather jacket? That is a mandatory 6 months in the slammer for bad fashion.
Gosh no wonder there is a drug problem if it only cost a dime.
2:45 a.m. Someone called twice from Evergreen to inform a dispatcher that a man in a silver Chevy was yelling.
Thank GAWD. I was really worried about this guy. I mean it’s been months since we have had a report.
Somebody must have really been tired of getting junk mail.
Yeah, that was a good idea. "You mean I can write a check? Oh I thought you wanted money."
Must have been the Three Billy Goats Gruff. The troll wouldn't let them pass.
The real story is neighbor didn’t pay his toll so the troll ate their flowers and blamed it on the poor billy goats.
I can sleep soundly now knowing all is safe.