"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-08-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
1:58 a.m. A woman reports that her inebriated husband punched her in the face. Though aware of his location, she refused to disclose his whereabouts.
“Don’t hurt him…I love him… He didn’t mean to hit me, he was just pissed because I drank the last Bud.”
2:12 a.m. An intoxicated man crashed his bicycle in West Glacier. He was reportedly bleeding from the face but was gone when authorities arrived.
So would it be still considered a hit and run?
Who were they fighting? Themselves? Like when you’re a kid and you take your sister’s hand and make her slap herself and ask “Why are you hitting yourself?”
Who invited them? Lost Johnny? If it was Lost Johnny does this mean he is found?
Again I am seeing scenes of Caddy Shack.
I’m confused was she mowing and weeding her own lawn or her neighbor’s lawn. If my neighbor wanted to weed and mow MY lawn I would bring them a glass of lemonade and cookies.
Gee Mom YOU said we could have a pool.
Aren’t most baby deer spotted? Aren’t they called fawns?
Wow I wonder if those hurt when it gets cold? I would think that the brass in your knuckles would freeze up and you couldn’t use them.
What ever happened to
Hold the pickles hold the lettuce,
special orders don’t upset us…
Have it your way…Have it your way.
Notice the key word here is INEBRIATED
A blown transformer sounds suspiciously like an explosion to me.
5:53 a.m. A blue vehicle was driving around Back Woods Trailer Court in a suspicious manner. When pulled over, the 44-year-old driver spat in the responding officer’s face. As a result, he was promptly taken into custody.
Yeah, he didn’t think that one out, did he?
If he is in jail how did he know that a theft occurred?
Sorry, but I really liked those booty shorts that had delicious across the butt. I mean you can have them back if you want.
I bet that was fun, chasing around after a bunch of freaked out spitting running animals. I wonder who spit more the authorities or the llamas.
There seems to be a lot of biking while intoxicated going on.
7:17 p.m. An individual at a large box store was reported as suspicious. He and the responding officer “had a nice talk.”
Isn’t that nice that the officer and he had a talk. I wonder if they had scones and tea with their talk.
The tourist season hasn’t started yet. Just wait!
.8:03 a.m. A transient individual was pestering customers at a local sporting goods store. He was invited to leave the premises and promptly complied.
1:09 p.m. Someone dumped grass clippings on public property in Bigfork.
They were just being green and sharing their mulch.
There is that cow gang again. I bet they were out people tipping.
Maybe the female was intoxicated.
This warranted a 9*1*1 call?
Were the biker’s intoxicated?
Nope not another BUI but it sounds like the motorist was.
Hey they were waiting for a rumble with the Cows.
Another case of biking while under the influence. BUI
4:54 a.m. A man was seen hiding in the bushes near a Columbia Falls residence. Upon further investigation, it was found that he was the homeowner.
That damn Gladys calls the police every time I go out to trim my bushes. She thinks I’m a peeping Tom.
5:51 a.m. A gentleman was lying in the grass across from a local church. He was invited to vacate the premises.
If he was across from a church why didn’t they do the Christian thing and invite him in instead?
9:32 a.m. The rims and tires were taken from a vehicle at a local automotive dealer. However, the offender was considerate enough to replace the stolen items with higher-quality tires using brand-new lug nuts.
Hum, does this mean he was a good samaritin or a theif?
Doesn’t sound very harmonious to me.
If a broken mirror is 7 years bad luck does she get ½ credit?
I guess she won’t be reading Gladys Tells All will she. Or voting for me as funniest blog.
I’m wondering if he means the four legged kind or the two legged kind? I mean if it was the two legged kind maybe he was Hugh Heffner.
You know I have done that a dozen times and nobody ever tries to take my vehicle. Maybe I should drive a nicer vehicle.
Did they look at Chippindales?
Another incident of BUI
7:19 a.m. On Aspen Loop, someone pelted a home with raw eggs.
Well it’s only because boiled eggs don’t have the same effect.
It’s a sign of the times.
Maybe it belonged to the guy who was living in the dumpster.
Trooper Bob were you setting fire to the port-a-john then running around yelling “Fire In The Shit House”? You can not recapture your youth with flaming shit.
4:04 a.m. Someone was “messing around” with construction equipment at the White Oak Hotel. Come to find out, he was a construction worker getting ready for the day.
When did getting an early start at work become a crime?