"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 6-16-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)
3:29 a.m. Someone heard three or four men fighting and yelling outside her home. They were found to be simply goofing around and all was well.
12:04 p.m. An inebriated individual was collecting trash along River Road.
Well at least he was a civic minded drunk.
Did he write himself a hot check?
I have heard of throwing cold water on people to wake them up but this is a little much.
5:21 p.m. In Hungry Horse, five or six cats have utterly destroyed a neighbor’s yard and annihilated several robins’ nests.
Oh JEEZE now we have a gang of cats? What is this world coming to?
They were looking for a Rumble. Now sing it with me…
When you're a Cow,
6:29 a.m. On North Hill Road, a horse was caught in a fence. He was able to extricate himself without assistance.
It was those Cows that did this.
A YEAR AGO? Nothing like filing a timely report.
I wonder if it was Cow tagging?
Hey don’t tell me how to feel!
3:50 p.m. Someone in Hungry Horse was peering through a neighbor’s windows and noticed that a dog had been alone in the home “all day and all night.”
Why were they peering through their neighbor’s window?
He joined the gang. He won’t be told what to do.
OK that just described ½ of the people in Whitefish. Heck that just described ½ the people everywhere.
Honey, just hang up the phone and they will stop threatening you.
Not another gang! First it was the cows then the horses next came the cats and now miniature donkeys? What’s next?
It sounds like it was poisoned not rotten
7:05 a.m. A gentleman on Lower Valley Road stepped out in front of a moving vehicle and proceeded to gesture obscenely at the driver. He was identified as wearing a hat and trench coat and carrying a paper bag.
Was he wearing anything under the trench coat? Was his name Tyrone and was he asking Gladys if she wanted to see his Walunetto?
It’s the E13 gang hanging out again. I bet they are hanging on the fence smoking and talking trash about the Cow Gang.
The E13’s hang out at the Roller Rink.
And they turned it in?
7:31 a.m. Someone in Somers was met with verbal abuse while trying to repossess a fifth-wheeler.
Do you watch Repo Man? Man sometimes those guys get hammered by the owners. I would hate that job.
Before or after they took his 5th wheel?
Now see I do that all the time but I never go as far as actually calling the police.
It was the Equine 13 gang going on a gallop by.
They were out recruiting more gang members
I bet it was cows.
Maybe they were crackhead horses.
Well then I guess the report was accurate. He was lying down taking a nap.
He is a Dumbass that’s how.
Like how long ago? 30 years?
I don't think those kids thought that joy ride out.
I take it this was AFTER the spike sticks.
8:09 a.m. An unidentified creature viciously attacked a dog on South Meadows Drive.
It was NOT Bigfoot. Bigfoot likes dogs. They taste like chicken.
They just wanted to see if there was a pic-a-nic basket BooBoo.
How the heck do you hit a bear? I mean it’s not like they jump out in front of you and go Boo.
Was she avoiding a bear?
It was Bigfoot trying to sing falsetto.