Just the Facts Week Ending 6/29/2009

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 6-30-09.

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 6/23/2009

5:21 a.m. Someone stole over 100 gallons of gasoline from a Columbia Falls golf course.
Why did a golf course have gasoline? I thought those cute little cars were electric.

5:24 a.m. A rock slide created a major road hazard in West Glacier, littering the highway with small to boulder-sized stones.
Hey Trooper Bob “No MOSS!” (sorry inside joke)

9:25 a.m. An intoxicated individual was wandering into traffic on Whitefish Stage Road, evidently trying to hitch a ride.
Well that is one way to get a ride. A ride in an ambulance.

10:38 a.m. Representatives of a local church were riding their bicycles on Airport Road, occasionally knocking on residence doors.
Ok I have a short little story here for you. I have a friend I’ll call Julie. Julie’s cure for these types of callers is to just open the door naked as a jay bird. One of two things happens they either NEVER come back or you get a whole lot more company.

12:02 p.m. In Whitefish, a woman is being threatened by a man over what may be drug activity.
Is this like calling the cops because someone stole your weed?
1:33 p.m. Someone in Evergreen had questions about a “peacock problem.”
Just tell them to stop watching NBC.

2:51 p.m. A man evidently lifted his bulldog by the leash and swung the dog in a circle.
Well he couldn’t swing it by its ears so…

6:49 p.m. A resident of Poplar Drive approached his neighbor’s home, yelled at his neighbor’s children and then left.
I have heard about yelling at kids on your own lawn but on other peoples?

7:09 p.m. Someone in Hungry Horse called to report that an intoxicated individual was passed out on his property. He agreed to leave the individual there to sober up.
Well that was nice of him.

10:04 p.m. A Hungry Horse resident can hear his intoxicated neighbors yelling at one another. The issue was resolved when the female neighbor left.
Nothing like a drunken fight.

12:05 a.m. A woman’s friend took her dog for approximately ten minutes and then returned.
Did she pick it up by its ears?
Wednesday 6/24/2009

8:53 a.m. At least 15 mailboxes were smashed on Birch Drive. The reporting party’s mailbox, however, escaped unharmed.
Is this like an SBD? He who smelt it dealt it?

10:35 a.m.A large python was seen hanging from a tree in Bigfork. The creature proved elusive, however, and was gone when authorities arrived.
Um I would have proved elusive had I seen a large python hanging from a tree.

I don't like snakes like this

I prefer my snakes to look like this.

12:35 p.m. Someone on Conrad Drive was evidently taking pictures of his neighbor’s dog. The dog’s owner did not consent to this activity.
Was he holding the camera coaching the pooch by saying “work the camera baby” or “that’s it give me more snout.”

12:48 p.m. A gentleman dressed all in black and carrying a Bible was spotted at a local cemetery. When questioned, he was found to be “just paying [his] respects.”
Johnny Cash is back.

1:26 p.m. Three mailboxes were smashed on Cottonwood Drive.
So would this be the start of a new group instead of Smash Mouth and Match Box 20 it could be Smash Box?

3:00 p.m. A bale of hay obstructed Highway 2.

This makes the police report?

10:07 p.m. Sewage equipment was vandalized on Conrad Drive.
Well that’s pretty Shitty.
3:52 a.m. Authorities arrived at a local home to serve a warrant for the resident’s arrest. The individual then proceeded to hop in his vehicle, a red pickup truck, and flee the scene. While authorities pursued him for approximately ten miles, he eventually evaded arrest and is now at the center of a massive search.
I see an episode of Cops Flathead County on the horizon. Bad boy, Bad Boy, what cha gonna do?
Thursday 6/25/2009

6:31 a.m. A green vehicle seems to have been abandoned in the parking lot of a local grocery store. The store management was advised of their towing rights.
Was it the color green or was it a Prius? Maybe the battery died.

1:08 p.m. One neighbor yelled at another on Steeles Drive.
Well that isn’t very neighborly

1:42 p.m. A resident of West Cottonwood Drive evidently does not know what to do about the squirrels. The agitated caller requested assistance in contending with the creatures, complaining that the local law enforcement does not deal with them properly.
Yeah I know that I’m always concerned about those killer squirrels.

5:31 p.m. A gentleman was driving along Foys Lake Road when a teenager wearing white clothes and riding a bicycle shone a laser in his eyes. The driver is now having eye problems.
Maybe it was an alien and he gave him an anal probe through his eye.

5:48 p.m. A young boy was seen standing on the railing of a bridge in Bigfork.
Evidently Billy Joe McAllister missed the 3rd of June.
7:48 p.m. Someone on Flathead Drive called to report that a neighbor was living with 25 dogs in a 23’ RV. Authorities arrived to find the head count accurate and will be taking the dogs into custody.
What about the owner? Won’t he be lonely?

11:12 p.m. A resident of Rogers Lake Road heard a man and woman fighting next door. The caller reports hearing the female voice state, “I made a mistake and it will never happen again,” after which she heard a loud CRACK and then total silence. The two were gone upon law enforcement arrival.
Guess she didn’t make the mistake the second time and hit her target.

2:46 a.m. An intoxicated female was unwanted by her intoxicated peers at a gathering in Martin City.
That is pretty bad when a bunch of drunks don’t want another drunk to drink with.

3:45 a.m. Several intoxicated campers on Ashley Lake were threatening one another. One of the individuals was jailed on an outstanding warrant.
You might want to check your warrants before you call the cops.
Friday 6/26/2009

8:52 a.m. Someone broke into a church on Whitefish Stage Road but took nothing.
Maybe God spoke to them.

9:02 a.m. Somebody was impersonating a FedEx worker, claiming to have a delivery for a resident of Beaver Lake Road. The homeowner quickly saw through his ruse as he was not wearing a FedEx uniform nor driving a FedEx truck.
This one could be on stupid criminal tricks.
1:45 p.m. Someone in Marion is frustrated because their neighbors continually place rocks in the road.

I think I saw this on DATELINE and it didn’t end well.
4:04 p.m. A porch on Rhodes Draw was host to a small injured black bear.
Well it was nice of the owners to invite him.

5:23 p.m. Evidently, “the doctors” are falsely accusing a resident of Solberg Lane of medicine fraud.
Is this “THE DOCTORS” on TV? You know the ones who tell you everyone passes gas? Then proceeds to demonstrate it? Or is it the old Soap Opera “The Doctors”?

8:05 p.m. Someone in Marion consumed 10 to 25 unknown pills along with alcohol and subsequently lost consciousness. The individual was taken into medical care.
Did “The Doctors” prescribe them? Was it Michael Jackson?

8:37 p.m. Someone in Marion saw a man run past the window and heard what may have been someone jiggling the garage door handle.
It was Bigfoot.

9:40 p.m. A man in a black car videotaped a home on Trumble Creek Road.
Maybe it was Alan Funt. Smile your on Candid Camera (for those of you who are too young to know who and what this is it was the original Punked)
3:40 p.m. Somebody walked by and threw a rock through the window of a Whitefish home.
It was Bigfoot.

This weeks Joe Friday quote:

Pep Streebeck: [to Friday] Can you swim?

Joe Friday: Red Cross junior lifesaver with clusters, bub!

Pep Streebeck: Silly me.