Friday, August 14, 2009

Gladys Has High Flying Random Thoughts

I am not here today. No in fact I am probably flying high above your head. No I did not get hit by an errant meteor in my sleep and have thus ascended to heaven. Shut up; it could happen. Nor did I finally reach Nirvana, the plane not the band, transcending to a higher state. I am in fact hurtling through the atmosphere in a vacuum packed vessel of viruses. Yes I am on a commercial airliner. I spoke of this before in my post titled “How Howard Became a Germophobe”. There you are with babies crying, people coughing and worse of all passing gas. Oh you know it happens. You sit down on that seat which thousands before you have sat. You get comfortable the plane races down the runway and lifts off into space. The cabin starts to pressurize and so do you. Next thing you know the 400 pound woman sitting in the center seat is releasing some of her pressure. The smells waft from the recycled air being forced from below only to be met by that stream of air directed straight at your head. You get the odor of rotten eggs and yesterdays steak from both directions. You try not to gag but it’s too late so you disguise it as a cough. This causes the man across the aisle to reach up into the overhead compartment and retrieve his full face respirator while he stares you down looking for a squished nose and a curly tail. You are trapped. You can not get up and escape the smells because the fasten your seatbelt sign is glowing and the flight attendant is double checking her manifest to make sure you have not been profiled as a terrorist. You grab a tissue or a baby wipe from your carry on bag and start deep breathing into it. The smell starts to dissipate only to be recycled back through the cabin. This causes everyone in the plane to turn and look at you in seat number 325 at the very back of the plane. You are turning blue from holding your breath and squirming in your seat. Then you realize they think YOU are the cause of the smell. Well as I’ve always said if you’re going to be accused of it then do it.
I was sitting on the beach the other day and next to me sat a group of people. They were sharing events of the day and discussing the close of summer. I of course was doing what I do best. Eaves-dropping.
Hazel: Gertrude why don’t you have on your sunglasses?
Gertrude: I wore them yesterday and now I have a white ring around my eyes.
Hazel: That’s not a ring. Those are wrinkles.
Gertrude: Well you would have them too if you weren’t so fat that they get filled in.
Gertrude: I went paddle boarding today. It was so exciting.
Hazel: Yes I know. Did you know that paddle boarding was invented …..blahblahblah…I know everything there is to know about everything and am a pompus know it all…on and on…
Gertrude: Hazel have you ever gotten your fat ass on a board? Or even in the water?
Hazel: Um, No.
Gertrude: Then shut the hell up! (I have to admit at this point I wanted to give Gertrude a standing ovation)

Many of you out there don’t have the wonderfulness that is Trader Joes. They have an eclectic assortment of customers as well as goods. You can get Wasabi flavored freeze dried mangos or yogart covered dried blueberries as well as macaroni and cheese, four cheese sauce or even Two Buck Chuck Merlot Can you tell I have a thing for cheese; which might explain why my cholesterol is around 400? Yes it is a plethora of diversity.
Kahuna and I stopped in last night to get a loaf of sprouted bread. This was the conversation with the check out clerk:
Clerk: Will this be all?
Kahuna: Yes
The checker to Me: So I see he’s buying you dinner
Me: Yes and I get a nice tap water to go with it.
Checker: Please tell me it’s not from the hose.
Kahuna: Only if she’s lucky
Checker: Wouldn’t that make You the one who gets lucky?

Now as usual go on over to Half Past Kissing Time for Mrs. 4444 Friday Fragments. Go visit the Mr. Linky and add your own.

Also and too Ann Again and Again hosts her weekly Virtual Girls Night Out on Friday. I'm not able to see what her theme is this week so I can't give you a cocktail recipe. So I will just suggest you go to Trader Joes and pick up a couple of bottles of your favorite flavor of Two Buck Chuck and sit down and enjoy your Friday.

What are you doing this weekend? Hiking? Going to the Beach? Cleaning House? Whatever your doing have a good time. Oh and go be good to one another.


Katherine Aucoin said...

Have a wonderful trip and try not to breathe - lol

lagirl/sweet tea said...

Oh I wish there was a Trader Joe's where I live. Bummer!
Hope you're off to do something really fun. enjoy!

Gena said...

Hope you have a fabulous weekend. Happy VGNO

Stephanie said...

The beach conversation? Priceless.

Carolee / Home4ever said...

That was pretty funny! Love the pics!

Hope you are having a great trip!

Jaime said...

have a safe trip. not a big fan of flying, huh?

Gladys said...

Katherine - thanks I held my breath the whole way

Sweet Tea - Oh I know I lived for a whole year in Moaningtana without one.

Gena-Right Back At You

Stephani- You just can't make this stuff up.

Carolee - Thanks. I love old pictures.

Jamie - it's not the flying that bothers me it's the people ;)

Mrs4444 said...

Love, love, love Trader Joe's!! Now, if they'd just open one near me, I'd be in heaven!!

Jeez. Hope your return flight is better!!