Just The Facts for 8-11-09 DRAGNET DAY!

Just so You KNOW...Today is Officially DRAGNET DAY! Pretty Handy huh? I mean that it fell on a Tuesday and that is the day I do my Dragnet. I think maybe the Los Angeles Police academy is reading my post. So go on out and get your Dragnet Stamp. Tell them Gladys sent you.

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 8-11-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 8/4/2009

10:33 a.m. Someone on Klondyke Loop claims that a neighbor’s dogs have gone hours or perhaps days without food or water. The dog was found to be in excellent condition.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get past Klondyke. All I could hear in my head was “what would you do for a Klondyke bar?”

11:20 a.m. A large boulder occupied the intersection of Highway 93 and Reserve Drive, posing a hazard to passing motorists.
Well we know it didn’t have any moss on it. (That one is for you Trooper Bob)

12:36 p.m. Someone on First Avenue East called to report that garbage was scattered around an abandoned property nearby. The reporting party was concerned that this might attract bears.
Heck who do you think scattered it?

1:23 p.m. Someone shattered the rear window of a pickup truck on Airport Road. This action was highly unnecessary, as all of the vehicle windows were down at the time.
Ok did anyone else read this and think about the old blond joke?
Police go to a call of a locked vehcile. Blond is sitting inside her car looking frantic and trying to get out. The police officer peers over the window into the open convertible top and says “What seems to be the problem miss?"
The blond replies “can’t you see? I’m locked in my car and can’t get out!”

1:40 p.m. At a residence on Highway 93, a woman was sprayed in the face with some sort of pressurized gas.
Okay who farted?

2:35 p.m. An ungovernable goat wreaked havoc on Grande Vista Drive, eating all of the shrubbery at a nearby residence. The goat returned home after completing his eating spree.
Isn’t that what goats do?

3:17 p.m. A man on a tricycle was seen veering into traffic near a bar in Columbia Falls. Authorities could not locate said individual.
I see Tyrone is loose again. (Really people go Netflix or Hulu or Youtube the old Laugh-In shows, you’ll laugh til you snort)

4:07 p.m. One black cow wandered about on Halfmoon Road in Columbia Falls.
Johnny Cash came back as a cow?
Wednesday 8/5/2009

9:22 a.m. A stolen computer in Hungry Horse turned out to be a pawn in a civil matter.

I think someone was spending way too much time on the internet.

2:42 p.m. A four-wheeler mysteriously appeared behind a home in Martin City. It is unknown whether the vehicle had been stolen.

Maybe it was a present from Bigfoot.

7:53 p.m. Someone called to report that their neighbors are currently mixing a wide variety of paints, solvents and chemicals. It is unknown what sort of concoction they were attempting to create.
Sounds like a psychodelic concoction to me.

9:53 p.m. A 2- or 3-year-old boy wearing only a diaper was seen wandering about on Highway 2 near a fast food restaurant. The child was quickly returned to his parents.
Mom: Go on out and play in the Micky “D”’s playground Junior.
Micky D’s Employee: Ma’am we don’t have a playground.

10:48 p.m. A man clobbered a woman on Swan Mountain Drive. Responding officers found the woman to be completely uncooperative.
I guess that is why he clobbered her.
Friday 8/7/2009

12:50 p.m. A man driving on River Road in Columbia Falls was taken by surprise when another individual leaped out of the bushes, dashed around the front of the car and began screaming at the driver. Evidently, he does not appreciate it when vehicles exceed 10mph.
Now does anyone else see Chevy Chase and the mailman from “Funny Farm” Here?

2:27 p.m. Although it worried several passers-by, a group of kids jumping from a bridge over the Flathead River were doing nothing illegal.
Once again how dare kids do kid things! Unheard of.

5:24 p.m. On Burly Bear Trail in Whitefish, a woman was bitten three times by a neighbor’s dog.
Better the dog than a burly bear.

6:26 p.m. A highly intoxicated man in Hungry Horse called to report that several individuals at a residence are “trying to rip him off.”
Rip him off of what? Was he like that kid in a Christmas Story? Did he get stuck to the flag pole and they had to rip him off?

8:55 p.m. A man in Whitefish was treated for a severe eye injury after a bomb made of dry ice exploded in his face.
A bomb? Why was he making a bomb?

1:40 a.m. An individual claims to have seen a large bear while walking through a local cemetery. The bear was apparently jumping up and down at the time of the sighting.
First what the heck were they doing walking through the cemetery at 1:40 in the A.M. That is dark-thirty. It is right after the bewitching hour? Were they asking for a zombie attack or what? Wait! That is what the bear was doing. He was pounding a zombie back in it’s grave. Those Bears are Brave!

Joe Friday Quote of the week:

Do you have real adventure in your soul? You better have, because you're gonna do time in a prowl car. Oh, it's going to be a thrill a minute when you get an unknown-trouble call and hit a backyard at two in the morning, never knowing who you'll meet-- a kid with a knife, a pill-head with a gun, or two ex-cons with nothing to lose.