Since it is getting close to Hallowweenie and it is TMI Thursday over at Lilu I thought I would share this story with you. Since it’s such an auspicious occasion. Now I wouldn’t tell just anybody this story. Since you are such a trusted friend I know you won’t laugh at me, much. I’ll tell you.
Once upon a time a crazy brave mother decided to take her sweet little whining evil offspring to a haunted corn maze. What? You don’t know what that is? It is a field of corn that has been carved into a maze and then has been inhabited by mean evil torture loving sadist dressed up like clowns and crazed killers in order scare sweet loving mothers and her offspring. The brave mother loaded up her large gas guzzling truck and drove about 50,000 miles to this corn maze. Since it was such a long trip and it was a usually warm autumn day she stopped at the Sonic and purchased Route 44 drinks for everyone. She drove drinking her 44 oz iced tea. She sipped each drop to the very last drop of that icy cold concoction of goodness and caffeine. She arrived at the maze and shelled out a gagillion dollars for the pleasure of scaring her sweet little offspring.
They paid their money to the nice interesting man with one eyeball hanging out of his face and a chainsaw sticking out of his chest. There is a big sign at the entrance to the maze that says “ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK” only they didn’t say what risk she would be taking. They entered the maze just at twilight. Our brave little family walked to the first intersection of the maze and turned left. They walked on and came to a dead end then turned to try another route and they turned right. The maze was quite confusing with the tall stalks and the darkness descending on the field. The youngest, Biff being a boy scout felt he had a pretty good handle on the direction they needed to go so he instructed the oldest from his place in line. They walked a little further and they heard something stir in the maze. The youngest said “I think there is something in the corn” and parted the stalks just as a vampire bit into its prey. The youngest screamed a scream that would curl your toenails and grabbed the brave mother’s hand who knew it was all for show.
The night was damp and warm with a haze over the moon. The man with the dangling eyeball and chainsaw through his chest had thoughtfully put some very dim amber lights throughout the maze to enhance your vision. It was the type of night in those old horror movies that the ghouls and goblins appear. Through the stocks they saw others lost in exile in the maze bumping into one another and an occasional Zombie chasing after them.
The next obstacle they encountered on their trip was a dead end with blood all over the corn and screams coming from somewhere beyond the dead end. Hum I guess that is why it was a dead end. They turned to go back but just as they turned they heard a chain saw. They heard the hum of it begin to rev and then a monster in a hockey mask jumped from the blood splattered stalks and began to chase the little frightened family out of the dead end lane. Now the mother in her haste to get her offspring to the maze and in the maze before it became too dark forgot to visit the porta-potty in the parking lot. Needless to say the 44 oz of iced tea in her bladder had actually tripled in volume and was now 132 oz of liquid that needed to be expelled. Only there was one problem, no where to expel it.
The little family traveled down another lane and the mother knew this one too would have some surprise in the waiting. She just hoped it wouldn’t be for her. The furrows were narrow and in order to walk they had to stay in a line. They traveled with the oldest in front followed by the next and then the youngest with mother at the end. They made their way about half way down the lane when the oldest offspring screamed a blood curdling scream. The mother looked up in time to see an evil clown reach out of the stalks and grab the oldest child by the arm. The oldest child’s instincts took over and she promptly hit the clown in the nose with the heel of her hand and turned to run. Then in an expression of solidarity the other two siblings did the same. Only the mother’s reflexes weren’t quite fast enough to turn and all three children were upon her in an instant. I should say they knocked her down and trampled right over the top of her. I would like to say it was the force of the hit she took that caused her to release her bladder right there in the furrow of the corn field. I would like to say it was the fact each of those children used her for a welcome mat, but that just wouldn’t be true. The truth of the story was that when the clown reached out and grabbed the oldest child another clown was in the stalks positioned just where the mother stopped and grabbed her at the same time. So you see clowns are evil, evil monsters that make mothers pee their pants and not take their children to haunted mazes anymore.
No instead this mother loaded their offspring up and took them to a haunted mansion, Thrillviania, out in the middle of nowhere. Again it was a very long drive and again the mother stopped at the Sonic and purchased route 44 drinks all around. They drove 50,000 miles out into the country and up a dirt road to the scariest looking house they had ever seen. They unloaded from the gas guzzling beast and set out on foot to again experience the rush of a good and proper fright. They paid their bazillion dollars entry fee to the wolfman who still had blood dripping from his whiskers and entered into a foggy frightening yard full of gravestones and bats flying overhead. There were zombies milling around the graveyard looking for their next prey of fresh flesh. Avoiding the zombies and the swamp monster they walked up the sidewalk to the front door of the mansion. The mother saw in the distance a big sign that read “RESTROOMS”. Did she make her way there? Did she visit the lavatory before entering the realms of hell? The memory of the previous Halloween still fresh in her mind she hastily made her way to the door marked ladies. Just as she reached out to open the door a big evil clown reached around the corner and grabbed her. I think you know the rest.
You know the woman in your neighborhood who knows everything going on? You know the relative who has all the recent gossip? You know the church member who knows who was at the bar the night before? That would be me, Gladys.
Bar Ditch = A ditch on the side of the road. Also know as a borrow ditch
Gussied Up - to dress in one's best clothes (usually fol. by up): to gussy up in your best Sunday go-to-meeting clothes.
Sigh-Reen = an implement used to give warning also known as Siren
Sumabeech= the son of a female dog
winder= an opening in the wall of a building, the side of a vehicle, etc., for the admission of air or light, or both, commonly fitted with a frame in which are set movable sashes containing panes of glass better known as a window
From my legal council over at Stealum, Robem and Screwum:
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