There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 11-24-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
7:43 a.m. A music player, a purse and an adult tricycle were taken from a vehicle in Columbia Falls.
Sounds like Tyrone was there. Oh come on remember Tyrone on Laugh-In? Yes Him!
5:18 p.m. Someone in Columbia Falls heard a dog barking, a gun shot, and then silence. Authorities arrived to find that the dog was still alive and unharmed.
Did they check on the dog’s owner?
1:21 a.m. Somewhere in the Flathead Valley, someone broke into a pop machine.
Now see I picture some obscure super hero called Sodapopman stopping what he is doing and saying “somewhere, someone just broke into a pop machine, I must fly!”
10:13 a.m. Two very intoxicated men staggered down Highway 93 in Evergreen.
Which is better than two very intoxicated men DRIVING down Highway 93.
11:09 a.m. A female party is allegedly stalking a man on Walker Creek Lane. She has sent him 619 emails within the past two years.
Honey, give it up. He is just not that into you.
2:51 p.m. A resident of Martin Camp Road reports a cat problem in the area. The exact nature of the complaint is unknown.
What does this mean? What kind of cat problem? Is it a cat gang? Are they being cat delinquints?
12:49 a.m. A Whitefish woman called to report that her husband was missing. Authorities found that he was not missing, but that she was actually extremely drunk.
Just some of that drunk wishful thinking.
12:21 p.m. A frustrated customer at a local bank insinuated that he would harm himself upon leaving. Authorities found that he had no real intention of doing so.
Wow he must have really wanted that toaster.
(They used to give toasters away at the bank for incentives. Does this make me old that I remember getting a toaster?)
1:52 p.m. Someone in Kila reports that a neighbor has been stealing their power.
I bet it was Sodapopman and the neighbor had organic all natural juice which everyone knows is Sodapopman’s kryptonite.
12:25 p.m. A miniature horse was seen tied to a lawn mower on McMannamy Draw. Apart from its unusual tether, the horse was completely fine.
4:30 p.m. In Columbia Falls, a dog entered a neighbor’s yard and ate the neighbor’s dog food.
STOP! THIEF! YOU STOLE MY ALPO!
5:09 p.m. An employee at a local casino called to report that she had a “gut feeling” about five male subjects at the business. The men left before authorities arrived.
I bet it was Danny Ocean and the crew.
6:13 p.m. A man and a woman engaged in a screaming match over the household bills.
People, people, how many times do I have to tell you. Do not yell at each other…Yell at the credit card companies they are the ones to blame!
8:21 p.m. A highly intoxicated woman called from a location on Highway 93 South to report that she was in the midst of a disturbance with a very drunk man. The woman, claiming that she “just wants a life,” was taken to jail after using a baseball bat for violent means.
She was confused she Wanted a Life; not she wanted Life In Prison!
9:21 p.m. Someone on Cougar Trail became greatly distressed when her boyfriend broke up with her via email. Authorities checked into her welfare.
What they aren’t tell you is she was a Cougar and…she has sent him 612 emails.
3:07 a.m. In Coram, a vehicle collided with an elk. Although the driver was fine, the elk was taken to the food bank.
Hum, the Elk must have been hungry.
Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
FRIDAY: "Paul, I can't speak for the Department but I'll say this: We want help; we welcome help; we're getting help, from legitimate groups and responsible citizens. Now that doesn't include people who yell 'Spy!' every time they hear an accent; or who look under the bed at night for a seditionist; it doesn't include racists--white or black--and it lets out people who think legitimate protest is unconstitutional or that change is treason. It excludes nuts on either fringe, Paul--the guy who sees an anarchist in every kid with long hair. It excludes the Fielder Militia. Patriotism? That militia of yours has got a corner on the market! Civil rights? They got 'em all! Protesters? Shoot 'em all down! That may be your philosophy, Paul, but it's not mine, and I don't think it's the Department's either. We work it a little different in this country."