I sat down at my computer this morning with all intentions of announcing the winner of Erin Bried’s book “How to Sew A Button…” but I couldn’t connect to random integer generator site. I took a swig of my perfectly made pumpkin spiced latte and decided to peruse the world wide web. I then decided it was time for a little breakfast and went to the kitchen and realized my faucet still looked like this. I sighed heavily and went back to bed.
I pulled the covers over my head and decided not to worry about the faucet or the mounds of laundry piling up. I decided to just stay in bed and watch sappy Christmas movies. I watched a couple of episodes of Dirty Jobs, drank another cup of coffee and made myself get out of bed but only because I had to pee.
I wandered through the house and went back to bed and picked up the remote control and flipped through the 5000 stations and decided there was nothing to watch. How can that be? When I was a kid we weren’t allowed to watch a lot of television. Nurse Meme would say “get the hell out of this house! You kids are driving me crazy!” We three would look outside at the sleet or rain or blowing dust and say “but MAWWMA it’s awful out there.”
She would shake her head and say “go on outside and play. It’s good for you. It will build character.” She would then wrestle us out the door and she would lock it, smile at us from the window and sit down and smoke her cigarette and drink her coffee in relative peace and quiet. Well except for the fact that she had three crumb munchkins with their pitiful faces pressed up against the glass watching her. She had an easy remedy for that though, she just closed the curtains. I digress.
Remembering what Nurse Meme said I decided to go outside; actually Boz decided to go outside. The poor guy was standing with his legs crossed doing the peepee dance. I hooked up the leash and he took me outside where I was hit in the face with a big glaring sun. What the heck? Doesn’t mother nature know it’s almost Christmas? Doesn’t she know that it should be cold and grey? Did she decide to take all of her Christmas weather and dump it on the east coast? It was eighty degrees outside for Pete’s sake. Hey have you ever wondered who that guy Pete is and why it is always for his sake? What makes him so ding danged special?
Since the weather was so gawdawful wonderful I decided to hang some laundry on the line and then perhaps grill out doors.
Am I making those of you covered in snow a little jealous? Yeah don’t be. Last year at this time I was sitting in a snug little cabin buried under six feet of snow. The world was white and pristine. It was gorgeous. It looked like Christmas is supposed to look.
Then I walked back into my kitchen and saw my faucet, again. I decided to do the only thing I could do. I sat down at my computer wrote this and went back on Random Integer Generator and put in the parameters. Then I pushed the button and this is the result it came back with.
Who you ask is # 22 it’s faithful reader Angela. Now Angela the ball is in your court. You need to e-mail me your contact information so I can get this book sent off to you as soon as I get through being lazy. Angela you out there? Angela! Is that you with your nose pressed against the window?
Oh and just so you know. Kahuna repaired the faucet and I once again have a functioning faucet without that lovely electrical tape. We replace faucets around here like Tiger Woods picks up women, all the time.
You know the woman in your neighborhood who knows everything going on? You know the relative who has all the recent gossip? You know the church member who knows who was at the bar the night before? That would be me, Gladys.
Bar Ditch = A ditch on the side of the road. Also know as a borrow ditch
Gussied Up - to dress in one's best clothes (usually fol. by up): to gussy up in your best Sunday go-to-meeting clothes.
Sigh-Reen = an implement used to give warning also known as Siren
Sumabeech= the son of a female dog
winder= an opening in the wall of a building, the side of a vehicle, etc., for the admission of air or light, or both, commonly fitted with a frame in which are set movable sashes containing panes of glass better known as a window
From my legal council over at Stealum, Robem and Screwum:
All content of Gladys Speaks, including, but not limited to, photos, and post content is copyright protected. Distribution, publication, transmission in any and all media, or any other type of reproduction in any manner is prohibited without the express written permission of the author or authors.