It is once again time for Theme Thursday. My how time flies. I apologize to everyone I normally read and comment. I have been at a seminar this week. I just now checked and saw what the topic was and decided to share my ship in the bottle with you. Go read all the other wonderful submissions to Theme Thursday after of course you read mine.
She looked up from her pillow and saw the bottle sitting there. She winced and swallowed. It felt as if she had swallowed a mouthful of glass shards and they were shredding her throat on the way down. She heard Nurse Meme in the kitchen and knew what would come next. She cowered lower in the covers.
Oh make no mistake she enjoyed being home, lying on the couch watching Captain Kangaroo and Mr. Green Jeans explain how the mail man knows who gets what mail; she did not enjoy having a sore throat. She reached over to the cup of still steaming sweet hot tea and tried to take a sip. It hurt so badly as she tried to cauterize the raw tonsils. She wanted to cry out but she couldn’t. She couldn’t cry out because it hurt so much. She really knew she couldn’t cry out because as soon as she did it would happen.
Nurse Meme waited for these days. She longed for these days. She would relish in the nursing and mending of her youngest child. Well that is what Nurse Meme called it; Gladys knew it was really medieval torture. Gladys’ eyes watered as she sat the cup back on the coffee table and unwrapped the Sucrets cherry flavored throat lozenge. She moved the heating pad over just a notch and laid her pounding ear back onto the doubled over pillow case. Gladys and Matilda both suffered from ear aches and sore throats. Sometimes they would suffer at the same time which would cause Nurse Meme to spin around the kitchen grabbing bottles of this and jars of that out of the medicine cabinet. Then she would chase Matilda through the house until she had her in a head lock and administer her “cure”. Gladys would take this opportunity to hide in the corner behind her bed. Sometimes she was successful and would hide long enough that her throat or ear would actually get better; but mostly she was ratted out by her older sister.
Gladys would then be forced to march into the kitchen and stand under the brightest light. Nurse Meme would take the amber colored bottle from the cabinet and mix it in another bottle. She would shake the two together thick and dark rust colored. Gladys would watch helplessly as her mother would pull a twenty-seven foot long cotton swab from a white bag. Nurse Meme would then dip the swab into the iodine and glycerin mixture. She would grab Gladys by the chin tip her head back and then do the unthinkable. Gladys was sure her mother was trying to train her to become a sword swallower in the circus that had long ago left her under the rock.
Nurse Meme would jab and stick and swab until she had coated every inch of the rotten little tonsils in the back of Gladys’ throat.
Then she would take cotton tipped telephone pole and ram it down her throat just for good measure. This would invariably cause little Gladys to choke and gag and gag and choke. She would spit and sputter as soon as the white tipped tree trunk had been removed. She would spit orangish brown liquid into the sink and rinse her mouth with salt water trying to rid herself of the nasty metallic taste. Gladys however would have already by no fault of her own swallowed some of the oily brown mix which would cause her mother the next day to bring out the other dreaded bottle.
The second bottle was marked with the name Paregoric. Well at least it wasn’t the bottle of Castor Oil, but that is a story for another day.
She had been on the flight all day. She had changed planes twice and missed her second flight. She squeezed into the middle seat between the Sumo wrestler and the plus sized catalogue model. She looked for her seat belt but there was only a peak of blue showing from under the right butt cheek of the plus sized model. “Excuse me, but you are sitting on my seat belt” she said while tugging on the blue webbing. The large woman with the clown make-up looked at Gladys and then turned away. “Um, excuse me! You are sitting on my seat belt” Gladys stated a little more assertively. Ms. Bigbutt 2010 again flashed a look toward Gladys and did not move. Gladys grabbed the webbing braced her feet on the seat in front of her and yanked. Whelf went the webbing as it slid out from under the right cheek of Ms. Bigbutt. The large woman looked at Gladys with daggers in her eyes and tried to adjust the excess of her rear so that it was not encroaching into Gladys’ seat without avail. Gladys looked for the other side of her seat fastener and saw that it was under the Sumo wrestlers left cheek that was spilling almost halfway over Gladys’ seat. She tapped Sumo on the shoulder and he removed his ear bud from his ear and smiled. “Excuse me; I believe you are sitting on my seat belt.” Sumo shifted to one side and tried to feel under his left cheek for the rest of Gladys’ belt. He hefted himself from the seat and blocked the aisle. Gladys retrieved her seat belt fastener and smiled up at Mr. Sumo. “Thank you” she said as he eased his forty inch rear end into his seventeen inch seat.
Gladys was now squished between two very large people. She looked around the plane and wondered how they figured the lift and weight ratio. Would they be able to make it? Would they actually get off the ground? She looked longingly at her bag under the seat in front of her. She was starving and there was a protein bar and a bottle of water in the bag. She tried to lean forward but was pinned between her two fellow passengers. What would she do if there was an emergency? What would THEY do?
Gladys finally resigned herself that her next two and a half hours would be spent like a piece of cheese between two pieces of bread. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She sat there meditating and trying not to be thirsty. The flight attendant came and went and Gladys did not, could not move. She watched longingly as the cart went by but being raised a good southern girl did not want to inconvenience her seat mates.
She thought about the recent news article of Southwest Airlines had tossed Kevin Smith, the actor director of Clerks and Mall Rats and the recent release Cop Out, off of a flight for being too big.
She looked at her seat mates and wondered how much bigger he could possibly be than Ms. Bigbutt. How fair was it to Kevin’s seat mates? I mean I am sure he had someone sitting next to him. Was he aware that he was taking up her space? She looked around the plane and out of the two hundred people it looked as if most of them could have used two seats. She looked over at Ms Bigbutt and asked “so are you traveling for business or pleasure?” Ms Bigbutt sniffed and wiped the Oreo cookie crumbs from her face and said “I’m going to a convention.” Gladys pressed on “oh wow, how exciting. What kind of convention.” Bigbutt took a bite of another cookie and said “Overeater’s Anonymous” and brushed the crumbs from her over flowing bosom. Gladys choked and replied “Well, isn’t that nice” which is southern for what the hell?
The plane began descending and Gladys prepared for the flight to come to its conclusion and to be released from the jaws of death. She took a deep breath and readied for the wheels to touch the ground. Just then the left rear wheel touched the ground and bounced back up then the right rear wheel touched down and lifted back up. The plane lurched forward and the front wheel took the brunt of the impact as the ass end of the plane plunked down. The pilot put his foot on the brake and put up flaps as everyone was thrust forward except for Gladys who was firmly and safely ensconced between the next two biggest losers.
This week’s Theme Thursday struck very close to home for me. I will quote what started this process and you can read my take on this week’s theme “BELL”. Please go visit Barry for a little encouragement and the rest of the writers who contributed.
Quoted from Theme Thursday Oh yes, we'd like for you to join in and ring the bell for Barry as he leaves hospital upon completion of his ( hopefully ) last chemotherapy treatment. Appears that this is a sort of tradition and similar to one we had in the Navy, as one crossed the gangway for the last time, ere being discharged from service. You can visit Barry's blogsite here, for further info and mayhaps leave a comment to join in...I see quite a few have already added on to Barry's side-bar. She sat on the shower chair her eyes looking up at me and said “how much is coming out?” I stood with a handful of her thick hair in my hand and on the towel and replied “not much” besides you have a great shaped head. She drew in a hit off her oxygen and said “well there is that and the fact with a little more lipstick no one can tell, right?” I put my arms around her and said “Absolutely, the pinker the better.” I helped her up and got her dressed as she made her way back to her chair.
There she sat, scarf wrapped stylishly around her balding head, oxygen tube from her nose and dark circles under her eyes. “The cure is worse than the disease” she stated as she sorted through her plethora of pills and capsules. She held one up in between her thumb and forefinger and said “this one cost $2500 and is supposed to stop me from being sick from the chemo. This one is supposed to keep me from breaking any more bones.” She went through the cup of pills commenting on each one as she stuck it in her mouth and swallowed. “You know Gladys, this is my second round of chemo and I think that it will be my very last. I will not do this again.”
Gladys bit back the tears that were threatening to spill over “Momma, it WILL be your last because this is the time that will do it.” Gladys sat the little crystal bell down on the table next to the chair and said “I’m going to go put the clothes in the laundry and clean-up the bathroom. You ring that bell if you need anything. I have the monitor on and I’ll hear you ring no matter where I am.” She left her mother sitting in the chair and went to finish her chores.
Ting, ting, ting rang out from the speaker and Gladys stopped what she was doing and went to her mother’s side. She looked at her mother’s face and knew she was not breathing well. “Do you need your oxygen turned up?” Nurse Meme shook her head and said “I need to go to bed. I’m not doing well.” Gladys got her mother situated and elevated the bed. She checked her blood oxygen level and said “let’s do some breathing exercises.” They sat together holding each other’s hands and willed the oxygen into Nurse Meme’s lungs.
Gladys knew her mother would not admit to the pain she suffered nor would she acquiesce to a trip to the hospital so she instead went and called the home health nurse. She told her of her mother’s labored breathing and the edema in her feet. “Call me as soon as anything changes” Nurse Angel replied “we need to get her to the hospital if she gets any worse. I am afraid that that DVT (deep vein thrombosis) will break loose.” Gladys assured her she would and then went and told Trooper Bob to be prepared to get the ambulance.
It had barely been five minutes when the little bell dinged again. Gladys went running and checked the oxygen level once again. “Momma, let’s get you to the hospital, okay?” Nurse Meme looked up at Gladys with teary eyes and only nodded yes.
Nurse Meme was right. She never had to go through chemo again. She never got to ring that bell because the cure was worse than the disease.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-15-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
6:13 a.m. A suspicious male subject in Whitefish was actually resting and didn’t need medical attention.
Gee officer I was just trying to take a nap.
2:03 p.m. Ten to fifteen tom turkeys went missing yesterday from a Bigfork home. The reporting party notes that someone in a truck recently drove by and made admiring comments about said turkeys. What kind of admiring comment do you make about a turkey? “Hey dem turkey’s sure are fine. Looks at the breast on that one and woodoggies them legs!”
2:20 p.m. A local individual received a damage package purchased off Ebay and wanted authorities to look at it before he sent it back.
What exactly did he order that he needed the authorities to look at? What are they going to say? Yep that package is damaged, better send it back.
4:37 p.m. A customer at a Columbia Falls gas station allegedly stole $1,100 from the store. Oh so he stole a pack of cigarettes and a tank of gas?
9:37 p.m. Someone noticed several individuals having a bonfire on the ice at McWenneger Slough and was concerned for their safety. Authorities determined that the fire would not burn through the ice.
Call me crazy but isn’t having a fire on frozen water a bad idea? What with the heat melting the frozen water thing?
9:13 a.m. According to a caller, a dog barks every day at the end of Memory Lane. Sounds like he has a good memory, he remembers to bark.
2:03 p.m. Reports of an electrical smell and smoke on Electric Avenue turned out to be unfounded.
5:12 p.m. An unruly and possibly delusional subject was taken to the hospital from a local denture studio. Maybe he just wanted his teeth back
11:07 p.m. A concerned caller detected a gas odor in the living room of their Whitefish home. Must have been beef and boiled cabbage night.
12:38 p.m. A gas smell at the Whitefish public library turned out to be from a cleaning product. It was really just left overs from the night before.
4:42 p.m. A juvenile male locked himself in the bathroom at his Columbia Falls home. The subject eventually emerged.
Hey didn’t the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition just come out?
6:31 p.m. Neighbors on Saddle Loop in Bigfork apparently cannot agree on the proper usage of outdoor lights. I want them on! No I want them OFF!
It is Friday again and time for Mrs. 4444 to present her Friday Fragments. Go on go over read her fragments, link yours and have a big old fragmented party. Then go on over to Ann Again and Again for your weekly Virtual Girls Night Out. Have a drink, even if it’s just water, read some stories and partake in her game. Also link your Friday to her Friday.
I wrote my post about the Mirror Wednesday night and posted it on my blog to appear Thursday morning. I then put on my pink gnome pajamas and crawled into bed. I fell fast asleep and had dream after dream of my mother. I awoke Thursday morning bright and early and drew the curtains back to take in the sunshine and this is what I saw.
It is blurry because I took it from my cell phone.
Have you ever met someone that every word out of their mouth is a lie? No, I’m not talking about attorneys (Jamie excepted). I am talking about people you might be friends with or work with. You know as soon as they open their mouth that whatever they say is going to be a big fat lie? Then you try to one up whatever they say with a bigger lie? Yeah isn’t that fun?
I got an email from my Daddy this week telling me how much snow they have had in my little hometown in West Texas. Now it snowed there when I was a kid but nothing like what they have had this year. I think it’s a communist plot. I mean the communist wanted me to go to school every ding dong day and not have snow days.
It is once again Theme Thursday. This week's theme is Mirror. The first thing that came to mind was Snow White and the Evil Queen. I figured everyone would spin that golden thread so I present to you instead my look in the mirror. Read my take on Mirror then go over to Theme Thursday and read the wonderful things cohorts have shared.
Gladys crawled out of bed and headed for the bathroom. It was quiet in the house as she slipped into the hall bathroom and started the shower. The room began to fog up as she slipped from her night clothes and into the pelting hot water.
She lathered and rinsed and lathered once again just as the directions said. She slathered the smoothing serum onto her hair knotted it up on top of her head and stood waiting for the water to either go cold or the sleep to wash down the drain. She exited the steamy cubicle and wrapped her hair in a towel.
She ran through the list of errands she had to run before work. She tried to remember if she had enough eggs to make breakfast and if not what she could substitute. She recalled the seminar she had just taken about letting things go. She took a deep breath exhaled and said to herself “today is a good day. Today is the first day of a new story, a new chapter in a new book and I can make it say whatever I want it to say because I am the author of my own story.” While drying off and putting the anti-cellulite anti-wrinkle cream on her thighs, yes your thighs can wrinkle, she thought of her mother.
Her mother, Nurse Meme, was the queen of bluntness. She was the purveyor of common sense and the voice of reason when Gladys was being unreasonable. A tear came to Gladys’ eye thinking that her mother had been gone for almost four years now. She missed her mother terribly. She missed her pithy sayings. She missed her no-nonesense advice. She tried to recall what her mother looked like and how she felt. Her memory was getting dimmer and dimmer and this made Gladys sad.
She thought about the lines in her mother’s face, many of which Gladys had put there. She thought about the hours her mother must have spent worrying over her and her bad choices. She thought about the frown lines of disappointment. She recalled the smile lines from laughing at Gladys’ antics. Yes, Gladys was responsible for those lines both bad and good. She loved that her mother had never had her face tucked or plumped. She loved that her mother had stood in the mirror morning after morning and evening after evening putting on cold cream and applying moisturizer, but never lamenting over her hard earned lines.
The fog began to clear and Gladys lifted the towel and wiped the condensation from the mirror. She froze mid-wipe. There in the mirror line for line, wrinkle for wrinkle was her mother’s face looking out. Gladys gasped and squinted looking hard into the mirror. Was it her mother’s ghost there to remind her of how beautiful she had been? Was it Gladys’ eyes playing a trick on her. No, the image was there staring back at her from the mirror. Hair wrapped in a towel squinting making sure that it was looking out at Gladys. Gladys’ image had indeed been replaced by that of her mother.
As tears fell freely from Gladys’ face she realized it was not her mother in the mirror but her own image. She realized those lines and wrinkles belonged to her and each one of them had been earned as she had given them to her mother.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 2-9-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
4:21 p.m. A resident of Happy Valley allegedly attempted to slide her vehicle into a neighbor’s car. The issue is apparently part of a neighborhood feud. Once again things aren’t too happy in Happy Valley. 9:02 p.m. After an ex-flame attempted to retrieve some of his belongings from her home, a woman on Meadow Court chased a man with a hatchet and struck him in the face with her hand.
She was just trying to bury the hatchet…in his head.
12:44 a.m. A local woman apparently does not like to receive phone calls from her ex-boyfriend. He might want to check and make sure she doesn’t have a hatchet. 10:25 a.m. On Highway 2 West, someone evidently ripped down several no-trespassing signs and puked on the reporting party’s property. I’ll show you NO TRESPASSING! I’ll puke on your lawn! How do you like THAT TRESPASSING?
10:33 a.m. Graffiti appeared on the side of an Evergreen school.
It was the invisible Graffitist! They are all over L.A. I just want to know how they crawl up on the road signs hanging over the 405 freeway that has a bazillion cars rushing underneath to paint some strange hieroglyphic message about this being the Rabid Dog Gang Territory.
Wednesday 2/3/2010 5:08 a.m. Someone evidently smashed the drive-through window at an Evergreen fast food eatery in the night. Maybe they were desperate for a Big Mac.
10:15 a.m. A concerned citizen called to report that a dog was lying on the ground and foaming at the mouth near Sweetgrass Lane. This behavior is in fact quite normal for a Saint Bernard. Here Cujo, come boy.
1:37 p.m. A resident of Tamarack Ridge noticed that a vehicle was backed up to an absent neighbor’s garage. The suspicious vehicle turned out to be from a cleaning crew running a vacuum in the home. I wish someone would break into my house and clean it.
4:13 p.m. A motorist called to report that a police vehicle did not use their turn signal in Evergreen. That is someone inviting Bad Karma into their life.
9:16 p.m. A man at the Whitefish Amtrak station was allegedly threatening other passengers with his cane. The complaint was eventually cancelled, and train officials handled the conflict.
At least he didn't have a hatchet
11:58 p.m. Someone apparently walked into a Bigfork bar and said that a man was walking around outside with a sawed-off shotgun. Authorities located no such individual.
He got the joke wrong. It’s supposed to be a man walked into a bar with a duck on his head.
1:08 a.m. Authorities helped sort out a complex domestic dispute involving a man, his ex-wife and his current girlfriend. According to the ex-wife, the girlfriend shot the man in the foot. Although he had not in fact been shot in the foot, he was treated for what appeared to be a gunshot wound on his shoulder. The girlfriend was taken to the hospital for pain related to an alleged strangling.
Ain’t love grand? Nothing says Valentines Day like a shooting and a strangling.
Joe Friday Quote of the Week
Friday: Are you sure Mary Jenkins was alive when you left that apartment?
Wesson: I swear it, Sergeant! I stopped and looked; she was on the floor - she was trying to get loose. Clete really tied her up tight - she couldn't get away - poor girl - I really felt sorry for her.
Once upon a time there were three little princesses. They were known as Tooter, Gabby and Tadpole. These three princesses were cousins of an unusual kind. They were born respectfully one year apart. Tooter being the oldest became the leader, next came Gabby who was the cohort and lastly came Tadpole.
Each princess had a unique and distinct personality. Princess Tooter was empathetic almost to a fault. She could see another person cry and she would begin to cry. She did this from the time she was a baby. She would get her feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. Then there was Princess Gabby who would put her hands on her hips and declare what wrongs had preeminence in the world. Last but not least was Princess Tadpole who was blessed with the gift of bluntness.
One day Princess Tooter, who was four years old, went to visit Princess Tadpole who was two years old. The two royal beauties retired to Princess Tadpole’s inner chamber in which to play with Barbie dolls and A.G. Bears. They dressed and undressed the overly buxom dolls and listened their bears repeat their words in bear language. They giggled and sniggled. They fought over the pink shoes or the red shoes.
Princess Tadpole’s mother looked at Princess Tooter’s mother and said “My it is awfully quiet in the royal chamber.” Princess Tooter’s mother grimaced and replied “This can’t be good.” The two mothers went quietly to the closed chamber door. They listened to see if they could hear the two princess in play. “Oh my” whispered Tadpole’s mother “do you think they have been given a sleeping potion? I haven’t any spare princes with which to wake them.” Tooter’s mother pressed to ear to the door and said “Nay, I hear voices from within.” Then she turned the knob and opened the chamber door.
It appeared a fairy had visited the chamber as there was a thick fog of Johnson’s Baby Powder from the Costco 55 gallon drum size fairy dust. The mother’s began to look for their babies sorely afraid that they had been turned into toads or pumpkins. They fanned away at the thick layer of Johnson’s baby powder fairy dust. All they could see were four little eyes floating around the room. “Oh NO” they cried! “Our babies have been made invisible by the fairies!” They heard the girls giggle and sneeze and wheeze through the deep smog of Johnson’s Baby Powder fairy dust.
“What have you done to our babies” Tooter’s mother cried out. A voice connected to one set of the eyes replied “Wook we made snow!” That is when the two mother’s closed the door so their offspring would not see them cry laughing.
My dear little Princess Tooter, this is how I still see you. Two big blue eyes looking at me through the thick fog of fairy dust making it snow. Happy Birthday.
I am sure you all have heard that Francis Reid passed away at the ripe old age of 95. What? You say you don’t know who Francis Reid is? How can that be? Did you not watch Days of Our Lives? Do you not know who Alice Horton is? What kind of deprived life have you lived?
Okay honestly I didn’t watch Days of Our Lives much. Heck I didn’t watch Guiding Light, As the World Turns or Ryan’s Hope much. I did however watch the granddaddy of Twilight, Dark Shadows.
Oh how I loved Barnabas Collins and his dark charm. I was a sucker for his mesmerizing stare and his big white fangs. So all you young little Edward fans can bite me I’ll take Barnabas any day. He was a man’s vampire, not a pretty boy glittery vampire. Barnabas couldn’t be out in the daylight because he would go up like Match light charcoal at a Super bowl tailgate party.
He seduced and then drank the blood of the women in Collinsport; he didn’t take them to the prom or run away and brood. I digress.
Francis Reid played Alice Horton on Days of Our Lives and did so until 2007. She was the rock of the Horton family. I have to believe no matter how bad things were in Francis Reid’s life she read her character’s dilemmas and thanked her lucky stars that she was not the character she played. I mean her son came back from Vietnam and couldn’t remember that his sister was his sister and he tried to get all mushy with her. Then there was the time that one brother raped the other brother’s wife and she had a child who they all pretended weren’t really the brother’s not the husbands. Are you with me? Are you following? Then there was the love triangle between Alice’s daughter Addie, Doug and Julie. Those of you who don’t have a clue by four let me give you one. Addie was Julie’s mother. Doug was a singer in club. Yes Doug was having an affair with mother and daughter and the only one who figured it out was poor Alice. Then her granddaughter, or was it her great granddaughter or was it her sister’s brother’s second cousins wife’s uncle’s cousin once removed, fell in love and ran away with a rebel named Bo. Then Stephano kidnapped Marlena and Roman had to save her, or was it John Black with the eye patch. Oh the burdens she bore, the secrets she kept and the wisdom she imparted.
Like I said I didn’t watch Days of Our Lives much, except my senior year of high school I would get out of class early and go home to eat lunch. We got four stations back in those days, PBS, ABC, NBC and CBS. I could watch the nerdy white guy with the big afro show you how to paint or I could watch an hour of soap operas. I watched the story line unfold over the year of a young couple who were being kept apart because their families were at war. They fell in love anyway and swore to marry or die for love. I would leave my English lit class where we were reading Romeo and Juliet and go straight home to watch a bastardized version of the same story. I brought this fact up to my English teacher, Mr. Robinson, and he just looked at me as if I had three eyes. I told him the story-line and he actually gave me extra credit for seeing the similarities.
I graduated and moved on and didn’t watch it again until I was in my early thirties. Guess what? The story line hadn’t changed. Oh there were a few more kidnappings but that same couple was still having a star crossed love affair. Time went on I got busy with children and career and didn’t see it for another ten or fifteen years. One day I left the television on NBC after the forty-two hours of the Today show Days of Our Lives came on and guess what? Yep there was Alice Horton, there was Marlena being kidnapped once again by the Stephano DiMera. The characters were a little older but evidently not any wiser.
The point of all of this if there is a point, oh wait, there is no point. I just wondered if you heard that Alice Horton had passed away. Like sands through the hour glass, so are the days of our lives.
Have you ever been in a public restroom sitting in the stall doing your business when you notice the shoes in the next stall look like they belong to someone of the opposite sex? Then panic sets in and you begin to fret that you have in your haste to relief yourself you have ventured into the wrong restroom. Yeah, me neither..
Have you ever been sitting at a red light looked over to see your fellow motorist digging for gold up his nose? Then you wonder how many people have seen you pick your nose. Well it’s like my brother always says, you can pick your friends and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your friends nose. Well unless you are really CLOSE friends.
Oh and did I tell you it is also my niece Tooter’s Birthday. I never picked her nose but I used to suck it out with one of those sucky thingies. She hated that and would run screaming from mean Aunt Gladys with the nose sucker. Thank God I don't have to do that to her anymore. Happy Birthday Tooter!
Lola is on the left and the other lovely lady is Frenchie.
I went to Lola of the Cabana’s birthday party last night. Happy Birthday Lola. Her name was Lola she was a Showgirl with yellow ribbons in her hair and a dress cut down to there... Anyway have you ever went to a party where you didn’t know anyone but when you leave you feel like you have known these people for years? Yes it was one of those parties.
I was in the Squalmart yesterday trying to return my paper shredder that stopped working, because who thinks she is Fawn Hall? There was a man in line in front of me trying to return a bunch of women’s clothing. He was explaining to everyone in line ( hello do we really care why you are returning your wives clothes?) how nothing pleases his wife. He turns to me and says “Why are women so hard to please?” I looked at him and said “I’m not hard to please, I’m a very happy person.” He snorted and said “well I can’t do anything to please my wife”. I answered “maybe your picker is broke and you picked the wrong wife.” He blinked and then said “no, we have been together for eighteen years and have five kids.” I smiled and said “maybe HER picker is broke.” That is when all the women in line behind me began to applaud.
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&& Bambi RX presents Happy Hour Friday. Now I have to tell you I don’t think I need any more happy hour after the Vodka Punch last night but hopefully I’m not too late for that too.
The calming essence of the ocean makes me happy
Babies in Overalls make me happy
Now go be good to one another and remember thoughts become things, think good ones.
It is time once again for Theme Thursday. This week the theme is RED. When I read that it was RED this story came to mind. It is what I think of evertime I see RED. Well that and the RED room from Twin Peaks. What? You don't remember Twin Peaks? Go Hulu or Netflix it. Anyway when you finish my take on RED then go over to Theme Thursday and read the other writers take on the color RED.
He was handsome and mysterious looking. He leaned over the counter to show her the heart shaped charm on the long gold chain. “Is this what you were looking for” he asked as he laid the chain over her hand. She picked it up and ran the chain through her fingers and looked up at him. “This is perfect. She will love it” she stated as she looked through her eyelashes at him.
He turned to get a box from the other counter. She took in the length of the man. He was tall, dark and handsome. He wore a silky white shirt open just enough to reveal a gold chain with some type of symbol on it. His black silk trousers formed to him as he gracefully moved across the room. He spoke in a low whisper “I’ll wrap it up for you. Do you have dinner plans?”
She blushed and looked down at her hands and back up into his mesmerizing onyx eyes “I don’t think so.” Where had that come from? She was certain she had told her roommate they would go somewhere but for the life of her she couldn’t remember where. “I guess I’m free.” She was thrilled at the invitation. Each time he had accidently touched her it was if he were electric charged. “What time would you like me to meet you” she asked.
He tied the bow on the package and placed the box in the bag “how about now?” He crossed the small space of the jewelry shop and turned the sign to “CLOSED”. He turned off the lights and finished locking the cabinets. “You will need to go out this way with me” he whispered as he guided her through the back of the store.
Once again she felt the charge travel up her back. She stopped at her car and started to put the key in the lock when his hand covered hers “No,” he urged “you ride with me.” He walked her to the passenger side of his big black Mercedes and opened the door. She hesitated a moment but he urged her into the crimson red leather interior. Once she was settled in he closed the door and slid in behind the wheel. “You don’t mind if we make one stop” he queried with a smile.
She did mind, this didn’t feel right, but that smile just melted her resolve. “No that will be fine.” He patted her hand and maneuvered the vehicle onto the highway and accelerated heavily. She watched the city fly past her window and she became uneasy. This felt wrong. She did not know this man. She had walked into his shop just an hour earlier and now she was in his car hurtling swiftly through the city. This went against everything she believed. She had been brought up to not talk to strangers. Her daddy had preached to her against getting into a stranger’s car. She could hear his voice in the back of her head “what do you know about this man? Who is he? Where is he from?” She shook her head and turned to look at him. He smiled and everything melted away.
He drove deftly and efficiently taking moments to glance over at her. He exited the freeway and turned onto the country road. “I hope you don’t mind but where I need to go is a little ways out of the city.” Then he turned off onto another country road taking her farther from safety.
She looked out the window and realized that they were in a little town just far enough away from the city that she could not call a taxi. She watched as he confidently turned down a residential street and pulled into a driveway in front of a Victorian house. “Here we are” he announced. She looked around and thought, where? He opened her door and helped her from the vehicle. He guided her up the steps and unlocked the door. “Why are we here” she asked as he guided her into the foyer.
“I would like to change my clothes and grab a jacket” he could tell she was a bit nervous. “Let me make us some drinks and then I’ll get changed” he told her in a reassuring tone. He walked her over to the big red velvet sofa and she sat down. He kissed her on the cheek and said “lovely, simply lovely.”
She watched as he glided out of the room. She looked around at the crimson red curtains that surrounded the room. She looked at the gargoyles perched on top of a heavy mahogany armoire in the corner of the room. This didn’t feel right. It didn’t feel comfortable. “Oh, stop being silly” she told herself. “He’s just a nice guy with a really gaudy living room. It’s probably his grandmother’s house or something.”
He appeared from what seemed thin air and handed her a tall glass with crimson liquid. “Wow, you must really like red” she said as she took the glass. “What is this?” He smiled and said “it’s my own concoction. It is cherry vodka, in cherry juice with a splash of lime. I find it refreshing.” He sat his glass on the table and turned towards a heavy carved door “now, if you will excuse me I will go get changed. Drink up and I’ll be back momentarily to join you.”
She picked up the glass and took a sip. It was good and it was refreshing. She was a little nervous and thought that maybe what she needed was just a sip or two of liquid courage. She sat the glass down and began to look at the magazines on the table but her eyes couldn’t and wouldn’t focus. She looked toward the carved door; it seemed to be made of water. She looked at the lamp and it seemed to be dancing across the table and then she saw nothing. She felt nothing.
Her eyes fluttered and her head was swimming. She heard some type of singing or praying. “Oh my GOD! I’m dead! Those are angels singing” she thought as she struggled to open her eyes. She realized it was more chanting than singing. She felt cold “maybe I’m not dead. Maybe I fell asleep at church.” She concentrated on opening her eyes. She saw a sliver of light and then she tried to focus. There were demons and cherubs battling all around her. There were serpents and angels wrapped in passionate embraces. She tried to turn over and realized her hands and feet were bound. She struggled to get free and all the while she heard that damnable chanting. She tried to lift her head but it weighed a ton. She finally managed to turn it to the side. She tried to scream but nothing came out.
Standing around the ornately carved bed were robed figures. There on the wall was a pentagram and sitting at the end of the bed in a crimson red robe was the handsome jeweler.
I understand you are much too self-centered and involved to call me back after we rescued your cute little Jack Russell terrier from getting run over. I also understand you can not be bothered to text me back for three days. I mean what with your social life and you know the fact that your boyfriend is secretly humping your best friend after he drops you off from your date, because you are so into yourself that you can’t see. I can see how you would be much too busy.
I also can see how you would not be able to return my call after I offered to try and find your dog a home. I know I am asking way too much of you to care enough for this sweet little animal to know its history. There are people out there who are lame and uncool who will actually take this dog for walks and give it the exercise and attention it deserves. Did you get that? IT DESERVES!
The fact that you went three days not getting in touch with us was totally understandable. Just because we were ready to call the police to have them check and make sure you were not dead and decaying inside your house is no reason to think twice about putting other people out. It also makes perfect sense that you would post LOST DOG posters all over the neighborhood when you in fact had NO intention of taking the dog back.
I am sure your parents are proud of what an upstanding and responsible young woman you are. I am sure they will rush right out and purchase you another puppy in which to appease your whining and crying.
Oh and by the way she doesn’t miss you one bit, evidently you were not in her life enough for her to miss you.
The family who kept Allie from getting hit by a car
You know the woman in your neighborhood who knows everything going on? You know the relative who has all the recent gossip? You know the church member who knows who was at the bar the night before? That would be me, Gladys.
Bar Ditch = A ditch on the side of the road. Also know as a borrow ditch
Gussied Up - to dress in one's best clothes (usually fol. by up): to gussy up in your best Sunday go-to-meeting clothes.
Sigh-Reen = an implement used to give warning also known as Siren
Sumabeech= the son of a female dog
winder= an opening in the wall of a building, the side of a vehicle, etc., for the admission of air or light, or both, commonly fitted with a frame in which are set movable sashes containing panes of glass better known as a window
From my legal council over at Stealum, Robem and Screwum:
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