Sunday, February 21, 2010

Just A Piece of Cheese in the Sam-itch of Life


She had been on the flight all day. She had changed planes twice and missed her second flight. She squeezed into the middle seat between the Sumo wrestler and the plus sized catalogue model. She looked for her seat belt but there was only a peak of blue showing from under the right butt cheek of the plus sized model. “Excuse me, but you are sitting on my seat belt” she said while tugging on the blue webbing. The large woman with the clown make-up looked at Gladys and then turned away. “Um, excuse me! You are sitting on my seat belt” Gladys stated a little more assertively. Ms. Bigbutt 2010 again flashed a look toward Gladys and did not move. Gladys grabbed the webbing braced her feet on the seat in front of her and yanked. Whelf went the webbing as it slid out from under the right cheek of Ms. Bigbutt. The large woman looked at Gladys with daggers in her eyes and tried to adjust the excess of her rear so that it was not encroaching into Gladys’ seat without avail. Gladys looked for the other side of her seat fastener and saw that it was under the Sumo wrestlers left cheek that was spilling almost halfway over Gladys’ seat. She tapped Sumo on the shoulder and he removed his ear bud from his ear and smiled. “Excuse me; I believe you are sitting on my seat belt.” Sumo shifted to one side and tried to feel under his left cheek for the rest of Gladys’ belt. He hefted himself from the seat and blocked the aisle. Gladys retrieved her seat belt fastener and smiled up at Mr. Sumo. “Thank you” she said as he eased his forty inch rear end into his seventeen inch seat.


Gladys was now squished between two very large people. She looked around the plane and wondered how they figured the lift and weight ratio. Would they be able to make it? Would they actually get off the ground? She looked longingly at her bag under the seat in front of her. She was starving and there was a protein bar and a bottle of water in the bag. She tried to lean forward but was pinned between her two fellow passengers. What would she do if there was an emergency? What would THEY do?

Gladys finally resigned herself that her next two and a half hours would be spent like a piece of cheese between two pieces of bread. She leaned her head back and closed her eyes. She sat there meditating and trying not to be thirsty. The flight attendant came and went and Gladys did not, could not move. She watched longingly as the cart went by but being raised a good southern girl did not want to inconvenience her seat mates.
She thought about the recent news article of Southwest Airlines had tossed Kevin Smith, the actor director of Clerks and Mall Rats and the recent release Cop Out, off of a flight for being too big.
She looked at her seat mates and wondered how much bigger he could possibly be than Ms. Bigbutt. How fair was it to Kevin’s seat mates? I mean I am sure he had someone sitting next to him. Was he aware that he was taking up her space? She looked around the plane and out of the two hundred people it looked as if most of them could have used two seats. She looked over at Ms Bigbutt and asked “so are you traveling for business or pleasure?” Ms Bigbutt sniffed and wiped the Oreo cookie crumbs from her face and said “I’m going to a convention.” Gladys pressed on “oh wow, how exciting. What kind of convention.” Bigbutt took a bite of another cookie and said “Overeater’s Anonymous” and brushed the crumbs from her over flowing bosom. Gladys choked and replied “Well, isn’t that nice” which is southern for what the hell?

The plane began descending and Gladys prepared for the flight to come to its conclusion and to be released from the jaws of death. She took a deep breath and readied for the wheels to touch the ground. Just then the left rear wheel touched the ground and bounced back up then the right rear wheel touched down and lifted back up. The plane lurched forward and the front wheel took the brunt of the impact as the ass end of the plane plunked down. The pilot put his foot on the brake and put up flaps as everyone was thrust forward except for Gladys who was firmly and safely ensconced between the next two biggest losers.


7 comments:

Ms Martyr said...

Just be glad that the flight wasn't hours longer. Airlines and their seating capacity seems to be the topic of the day on the blogs I read. Sardines in a can, my friend.

rxBambi said...

Oh poor Gladys! At least it was winter and they weren't all sweaty! Blech!

Jaime said...

poor Gladys!

that sumo picture is hysterical though.

i got stuck on a flight from boston to iceland next to a guy who needed 3 seats instead of his one. i know my first problem was flying steerage on an international flight. but not only was the guy's stomach crushing my knees all flight, he was reading a newspaper and kept clocking me in the head every time he turned the page. and boy did that man need a shower!

Anonymous said...
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Rechelle said...

Hey Gladys! Did you know that you won the book on my blog? Yes you did! You need to email me your shipping address. mysistersfarmhouse@live.com. Now I have to read about these Sumo wrestlers.

VE said...

You had me worried with that story. I thought for sure you'd grabbed the fat lady's thong by mistake...

croneandbearit said...

I hate to fly, period. I hate people next to me especially when they spill over the seat - now I'm not model but I fit in the danged airline seat! I hate the guy in front of me who HAS to recline his seat so my tray is under my chin while the fat salesman next to me has his elbow in my right boob and probably not by accident. I hate getting up when you're at the window seat and hitting your head. I hate sitting on the aisle seat and having everyone walk by you and smack the crap outta you with their carry-on baggage including their big asses. Yikes! And I hate the toilets. Gah...even the snacks suck these days. Where are my meds?