There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3-5-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
10:35 a.m. A carpet shampooer was stolen from a home on Grandale Avenue.
Gosh I hope they break in my house and shampoo my carpet.
11:05 a.m. A backyard on Riverside Drive was buried in twenty feet of earth following the collapse of a nearby bluff. No structures were harmed in the slide.
I guess it wasn’t bluffing.
1:05 p.m. Several items of furniture were stolen from a home on Blackmer Lane. It appears that the burglar also attempted to take the TV but failed due to its large size.
See honey, I told ya that’s why we needed a big TeeVee.
1:11 p.m. A black lab allegedly attacked a poodle in Hungry Horse.
She was loving him not attacking him.
8:14 p.m. Twenty-two gunshots were heard by a Marion resident within the course of twenty minutes. The reporting party suspected a neighbor, but officers found nothing suspicious in the area.
Maybe it was a twenty-one plus one gun salute.
Sounds like a 70’s porn star.
1:57 a.m. A big-screen TV posed a road hazard on the corner of Second and Main.
That is called a DRIVE-IN MOVIE not a big screen TV.
9:09 a.m. A Bigfork resident found a strange-looking notice on their property. The unusual posting turned out to be from a mortgage company.
It’s not at all unusual in Southern California, Florida or Michigan.
11:52 p.m. A “man down” near the Columbia Falls post office did not need medical attention but was in fact highly intoxicated.
Hence why he was “man down”
4:30 p.m. A pit bull named Damien apparently frightened an individual in Lakeside.
REALLY? You named your pit bull Damien?
7:50 a.m. An employee of a local business reportedly arrived at work intoxicated and was therefore not wanted at that location. The subject was evidently too drunk to drive.
Hum, wonder what kind of job you can be too intoxicated for?
8:03 a.m. Windows were broken out of a bus in Whitefish.
Oh, now it makes sense.
4:25 p.m. In Columbia Falls, a group of leather-clad motorcycle enthusiasts refused to leave a resident’s property. The subjects were gone when authorities arrived.
Heavy metal thunder….head out on the highway…
8:31 p.m. A resident of River Place in Evergreen does not appreciate it when people walk across the reporting party’s yard.
Was it this guy?
1:40 p.m. A male subject called the emergency room and indicated that he wanted to kill another man and his wife. He stated that he had a rifle but preferred to beat and club them. Authorities located the individual and brought him in for a mental health evaluation.
I personally prefer rocket launchers but hey to each his own.
12:02 p.m. Evidently, a man was seen repeatedly falling off his bike and into traffic on Highway 2 West.
Was it Tyrone?
12:56 p.m. The body of a deceased male was found frozen in the snow near Essex, and had evidently been there for months. Cause of the individual’s death was not immediately apparent on the scene.
Maybe he froze to death.
2:16 p.m. A man and woman argued about prescription medications on Kings Loop.
Those are my tranquilizers damit!
6:15 p.m. Police returned to Kings Loop to contend with a woman who was beating a car with a shovel following an argument about prescription medications. The woman was given a ride to a friend’s house.
I told you I needed my valium.
7:08 p.m. A man on Kings Loop called to report that a woman with whom he had previously argued about prescription medication had returned to the home. She in fact only wanted to return her car and was soon on her way.
Thank GAWD I got my drugs back now I can drive.