Gladys had the worst overbite when she was a child. It was horrid. She could eat corn through a picket fence five miles away. You could stand under it to get out of the rain. It was so bad her teeth would enter the room fifteen minutes before she did.
You could blame it on bad genetics or even the fact that she sucked her thumb or had a pacifier until she was 10 but that wasn’t the reason. You see she sucked her bottom lip. That was her comfort. She must have learned it when she was stuck under that rock. I mean there really wasn’t anything else to suck on under there. Her thumbs were dirty from the ground and well it is kind of cramped under the rock. What rock? Go here and read this “Found Under a Rock “ I’ll wait.
Meme used to give Matilda instructions to pull Gladys' bottom lip out if she caught her sucking it. Matilda being the big sister would go to bed later. She would go to bed and catch her sucking away on her lip and she would pull it out. Gladys would not wake up but would suck it back in. Matilda would pull it out. This would go on until finally Matilda would get board and go to sleep. Gladys on the other hand would happily suck the night away. Maybe Gladys never got past the oral stage or maybe she was weaned to young or maybe it just felt good. Who knows but it went on for a long time.
Gladys was sitting in class innocently working in her SRA book when a woman entered the classroom.
The woman whispered to Mrs. Whimpkins and then pointed towards Gladys. Gladys watched the two women talk and gesture and she knew it involved her. Perhaps they were discussing letting her go home early because her mother had finally bought her that pony she wanted. Yes, Gladys surmised, that must be it. Meme has finally acquiesced and purchased me a paint pony with a braided mane and a pink saddle. Gladys pictured herself astride her steed riding the range singing cowboy songs. She daydreamed that she would catch cattle rustlers and scoundrels and rope them from her perch atop Old Paint. She would let Matilda be her trusty sidekick just like Gabby Hayes was Smiley Burnett’s sidekick; just like Tonto was the Lone Ranger’s sidekick or Poncho was the Cisco Kid’s sidekick.
She was brought back to reality when Mrs. Whimpkins tapped her arm “Gladys? GLADYS!” Gladys jumped a little and realized she was not riding the range; she in fact wasn’t even on her trusty steed, Old Paint. The fact of the matter was she didn’t even own any horse even though she had hoped and prayed to the baby Jesus for one. “Yes Mrs. Whimpkins? I’m sorry I was concentrating on my SRA workbook” she scrambled. Mrs. Whimpkins sighed as only a third grade teacher would and could understand. “Gladys, this here is Miss Crisp. She is our special student’s teacher and she would like you to go with her.” Gladys froze. Did Mrs. Whimpkins say special needs? Gladys searched her pea brain to remember just what that meant. Did it mean she was special and they knew she needed a pony? Then she remembered that it meant classes for kids that weren’t like everyone else.
Gladys panicked. The school must have found out that she was found under a rock and therefore was special. How could this have happened? Matilda and Buck had made her promise not to tell anyone. They said if she did that people would come and take her away or put her back under the rock. They often threatened to tell people she was found under a rock when she was being annoying. Her heart went into her throat. She tried to swallow it back down and said “I don’t want to go back under the rock. I want to stay with the family that found me.” Mrs. Whimpkins raised her left eyebrow and said “Gladys what are you talking about? Miss Crisp is here to help you with your speech.” Now it was Gladys’ turn to lift an eyebrow “I have to give a speech?” Mrs. Whimpkins chuckled and said “not yet but someday maybe. Just go with Miss Crisp she will explain it all to you.”
Gladys put her SRA workbook back in its holder and headed out the door with Miss Crisp. She drug her feet and bit back the tears. She didn’t want to go back under the rock. She kind of liked the family that found her even though Buck and Matilda made fun of her buck teeth and big ears. She even kind of loved them even though they aggravated and picked at her. She was definitely attached to them. She really liked Nurse Meme and Trooper Bob a lot to. You could even say she loved them. She loved the way Trooper Bob read the encyclopedia to her and showed her how to do things. She loved the way Nurse Meme let her lick the beaters when she made meringue for her famous chocolate pie. Just a few minutes ago she was thinking she was getting a pony and now here she was on her way to being shoved back under her rock.
They reached the classroom and Gladys realized Miss Crisp had been talking to her the whole time. She caught the last little bit of what Miss Crisp was saying “and we will take care of that tongue thrust with just a little bit of exercise.” Gladys looked up at Miss Crisp and thought why are we trying to get rid of a tongue thrush? What is a tongue thrush? “So what are you going to do to me?” Gladys inquired. Miss Crisp smiled and said “I’m going to teach you how to speak properly.”
Now Gladys had come out of the womb talking. She didn’t need anyone to teach her how to talk. Heck she could out talk anyone she knew. She was a professional talker. She knew she had a bit of an accent but other than that she could speak fine. She started to tell Miss Crisp this when she entered the classroom of misfits. She looked around and saw Laura the listhper and Sam the stutterer in the corner sat Benny the booger eater. Why was she in this room? She didn’t understand.
“Now Gladys I want you to come sit over here in my special section for tongue thrusters” Miss Crisp instructed. Gladys slowly made her way across the room and sat at a table with a mirror. Then Miss Crisp proceeded to explain to Gladys that the reason she stuttered and had an overbite was because she had a tongue thrust. Gladys took a deep breath and began to protest “Miss Crisp, I don’t have a tongue thrush and I don’t stutter. Miss Crisp didn’t let her finish she plodded on “now I graduated from YOU TEA and this was my specialty. I can help you right on out of that nasty tongue thrust. I will have you saying Peter piper picked a peck of pickled peppers in no time.” Gladys smiled her bucked tooth smile and said “but I can already say that and I can say rubber baby buggy bumpers. My brother taught me to say that.” Miss Crisp smiled and patted Gladys’ head and gave her a paper with a drawing of a mouth and a tongue. “Gladys I want you to study this diagram and mimic it. Do exactly what it shows you to do and practice keeping your tongue in the roof of your mouth when you swallow. I’ll be back to check on you in a moment. The she moved on to Laura the listhper who was looking in a mirror saying little Lisa licked a lollypop; only it came out listhalicthdalothypop. Gladys sighed and looked at the diagram on the table.
Gladys went to this room every day after lunch. The other kids called her stupid and asked her if she rode a short bus. Every afternoon Gladys would go home and cry in her pillow. She knew she wasn’t stupid. She got good grades. She read on a high school level and she had made it all the way up to the very top SRA workbooks. She did exactly what Miss Crisp told her to do after all Gladys always did as she was told. She practiced swallowing with her tongue in the roof of her mouth and rolling her “r’s”. She practiced speaking slowly but being that she was from Texas she already spoke slowly. She noticed something happening to her speech, she now tripped over her “sc” words and couldn’t get her “t” words out without sounding like a machine gun. She started putting a “th” in the middle and on the end of words that shouldn’t. She began sounding like Stuttering Sam and Lisping Laura.
Miss Crisp was confused. She began working one on one with Gladys. She worked and worked until finally she asked “you didn’t stutter before you came to this class?” Gladys shook her head from side to side afraid to open her mouth now. “Did you ever have a lisp” Miss Crisp continued. Again Gladys signaled a negative. “Well I know you have a tongue thrust otherwise you wouldn’t have such a bad overbite.” Gladys stopped her head shake in mid-no and her face reddened. “I suck my bottom lip when I sleep” Gladys whispered lowly and slowly. “What? What did you say” Miss Crisp leaned in to hear. “I sa-sa-sa-sa-said th-th-that I s-s-s-s-suck on ma-ma-ma-my bo-bo-bo-tom lipth when I-I-I sa-sa-sa-leeepth.”
Miss Crisp got up from the kid sized chair and walked out of the room. Gladys sat picking her fingernails and staring at the floor. One of her secrets was out. She prayed that her other big secret would not be found out. She would be mortified if everyone knew she not only sucked her bottom lip but that she was also found under a rock. She picked the lint from her cotton dress and looked at the scuffs on her Hush Puppies. Finally the door opened and Miss Crisp returned with Mrs. Whimpkins. Mrs. Whimpkins stood in the doorway talking until finally she called for Gladys. She got up and walked to where her two teachers were standing and looked up at them afraid and sad. “Gladys you are going to come back to the classroom with me. You are done with your speech therapy. You can use this time to do your SRA workbooks again.” Gladys took Mrs. Whimpkins hand relieved and happy. “U-U-U-You mah-mah-mah-mean I’m cu-cu-cured?” Miss Crisp blanched and said “absolutely.”
Once again Kahuna drug me from my lolling about and out into public. We loaded up all three dogs and went to find adventure or better said went to find a place to walk the dogs where there was grass and open areas.
We ended up at Galway Downs not far from where we are staying this week.
This weekend was the International Horse Trials. Maybe you remember a couple of weeks ago Kahuna took me out to 3 Day Ranch to watch the cross country races (click on it and read all about my Spring Forward Day). This was a much longer course or maybe it just seemed longer. Anyway we went to watch a lady we met at The 3 Day Ranch event ride her novice horse. Now I'm not at all sure what that means. I know that nun's are novices before they are nuns. Maybe that means the horse has to wear all white habits and say hail Mary's and stuff. I'm not Cataholic but I did watch The Flying Nun and she was a novice. I adored that show. I watched it every time it came on and would mark the TV Guide to make sure everyone in the house knew I was going to watch it.
And did you ever wonder what this novice had going on with the hot Latino, Carlos Rameriz? Was there some hanky panky going on? I digress
I have told you before that Kahuna has never met a stranger and well these events just give me more proof. He somehow struck up a conversation with a very nice lady from Wolf, Wyoming. She isn't just any old Wolfonian, and not to be confused with a Cougar, though, she happens to be one of the owners of the historic Eatons Dude Ranch. Yes the very same one that Felicity Huffman, Lynette of Desperate Housewives, talked about on Ellen.
Anyway she was here competing and told us about the Galway Downs event so we decided to go check it out.
Now I have been a horse person my whole entire life. I love horses and have owned horses but this is a horse of a different color. You see my horses were ranch horses. They chased cows and circled barrels. They were wonderful horses, don't get me wrong, but the three of them would not have been a down payment on one of these horses.
The day was extremely windy. No really I mean 60 mph winds blowing me this way and pushing me that. Do you have any idea how hard it is to stand still and try to take pictures of rushing horses and bounding riders while trying to not blow to the four corners of existence? Well it ain't easy let me tell you.
You end up with dusty pictures like this or worse pictures that look like this.
Then every once in a while everything lines up and you get a better shot. Notice I didn't say great? Yeah it's because I'm like those nun's in the white habits, I'm a novice.
Hey I could have been the flying novice photographer if I would have just had one of those cooky novice hats.
So I sat in the dirt and waited and snapped and clicked away. Hoping beyond hope that I could mess with the dials on my camera enough to get a couple of decent shots. Don't tell me "Well Gladys, just photochop them." Because I don't photochop. I am horrible at photochop in fact I failed photochop's online class. Can you fail on an online class?
I didn't bring my tripod and I didn't have one of those fancy schmancy lens shades all I had was me. So I snapped and clicked and you know what I realized?
I don't have a clue what I'm doing. I change my settings and I zoom in my lens and no two pictures are consistant.
But you know what? I don't care! I had a blast, being blasted out there in the wind, weeds and manure. The dogs had a great time and got lots of exercise. So much so that they all slept for hours and hours. Well all of them exept The Bozz.
He was rip roaring and ready to go.
I also got a bad case of lens envy. I don't know what these lenses do but they are big aren't they? Don't they look like you could take really awesome pictures with them?
Yes I definitly had Lens envy. Look how BIG! Can I touch it?
I also realized I'm old. I saw this girl and thought were are her pants? Instead of cute shorts, wonder where she got her Uggs.
Well that's what I did over my weekend. What did you do?
It is Friday again and time for Mrs. 4444 to present her Friday Fragments. Go on go over read her fragments, link yours and have a big old fragmented party. Then go on over to Ann Again and Again for your weekly Virtual Girls Night Out. Have a drink, even if it’s just water, read some stories and partake in her game. Also link your Friday to her Friday.
I was wondering if all those senators and congressmen getting these death threats have just started getting them or have gotten them all along? I mean I remember the 60’s when they were getting shot, not just yelled at.
Have you ever wondered why when you move pack all your things into boxes and the store said box in the very back of the packed storage that is the one that you need first?
We are currently living in our RV with our three dogs. Let me give you a word of advice. Never feed your boxer with a sensitive tummy hamburger drippings when you know you will be confined in a very small space together.
On a similar note, because we are no longer on ten acres we are taking the dogs on more frequent walks. When I say more frequent walks I mean 3 or 4 a day. Now I am a conscientious dog owner and when my dog defecates I feel obliged to pick it up. Only Mr. Runningman please give me time to get my plastic baggie thingy out of the dogbone roller up dillybog before you step right in the middle of a large pile of boxer who has eaten hamburger drippings poo.
Finally but not lastly it is also Happy Hour Friday over at the RX Bambi. She hosts Happy Hour Friday so go on over and tell us what makes you happy.
Here are some things that make me happy.
That I'm married to this guy and not
Tiger Woods or Jessie James
The fact that it's spring even though my allergies are killing me.
I am happy that even though it's spring I have not had one of
these as a visitor on my porch.
Now go on and be good to one another and remember thoughts become things, think good ones.
Theme Thursday has snuck up once again and this week's theme is Sign. Maybe it was a Sign that that this week's theme was Sign. I have been reminiscing a lot lately about my time spent with my cousins growing up. How they always made me feel good. They made me think, use my creativity and my sense of humor. So I decided to share yet another quirky cousin outing with you. Here is my take on Signs after you read my tribute to both my quirky cousins and The Five Man Electrical Band go read the rest of the Signs at Theme Thursday.
“And the sign said Long-haired freaky people need not apply" was playing on the radio as the cousins sped down the coletche road. They sang along with the Five Man Electrical Band they screamed out the song through the open windows of the green Pontiac Lemans.
Gladys sat on the hump between the seats watching her eldest cousin, Bee, drive and sing. The rest of the gang was crammed into seats with the wind blowing dust and the hot July air into their faces. They were going to Hidden Valley to get some giant Sweet tarts and an ice cold bottle of Grape Nehi.
This was one of Gladys’ favorite outings. They would all pile into the car and sing along with the radio while they made the drive down the winding dirt road to the little store. It was an hour long trip but well worth the wait. Oh it wasn’t that the store was all that special, even though it was to Gladys, it was that they were all together going somewhere. She watched all the big kids and imitated exactly what they did. If they chewed gum, she chewed gum. They sang and she sang. They wore their hair in a headband she did too. She watched what they ate, how they ate, what they wore, how they wore it and what they said and how they said it. She tried her best to be just as grown-up as they were.
“I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in to ask him why…” Gladys thought the words were “I tucked my hair up under my hat and went in the tide…” and she sang them loud and proud. That is when the whole car went quiet. The cousins and siblings all looked at her and began to laugh. Gladys didn’t know why they were laughing. Was it her voice? Was it the way she imitated the Five Man Electrical Band’s voices? Was it her way too cute outfit of paisley clam diggers and white shirt tied at the waist just like the older kids?
Yob, her middle cousin, asked “why is he going in the tide?” Gladys rolled her eyes at Yob like he was the stupidest boy in the world even though she idolized him and said “to get a job.” Wendy piped up from the backseat and said “what kind of job is he going to get in the tide?” Gladys thought a moment and said “maybe he’s gonna wash clothes” because the only kind of Tide she had ever seen was the powdered kind that you put in the washing machine. They looked at one another confused and biting back laughter and pressed on. “So if he is going to wash clothes is he getting a job at a laundry mat?” Gladys once again rolled her big blue eyes and said “well, where else would he work?” Gladys had an answer for everything and it was always right.
And the sign said, "Everybody welcome. Come in, kneel down and pray"
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn't have a
penny to pay
So I got me a pen and a paper and I made up my own little sign
I said, "Thank you, Lord, for thinkin' 'bout me. I'm alive and doin' fine."
Gladys sang on ignoring her snickering family. She sang at the top of her lungs and they let her. Gladys could identify with this song, what with being found under a rock and all she was different. She was a freaky person. She liked that the guy in the song found a place he felt welcome. She sat there on the hump and thought she felt the same thing, she felt accepted and welcome.
They pulled up in front of the Hidden Valley General Store. They unloaded from the car and walked up the wooden steps onto the cool porch. They looked at the empty rocking chairs and at the dark windows. They rattled the doors and peered into the windows.
Kahuna and I were out running around like chickens with our heads cut off. No I don't mean we were headless spewing blood from the top of our spinal cord flapping our wings, I mean we were running here and there trying to get things done. We had to drop The Boz off at the groomers because he was filthy from rolling around in the dirt and acting like a dog.
When we saw this. I had to take a picture because it just left me with so many questions.
Then we saw this guy and I literally tresspassed and climbed up a fence to get a picture for you. Yes, I risked life and limb in order to share my sights with you.
Moving is never fun. I know I’m being Captain Obvious again. No really I hate moving even though I’ve done it 47 bazillion times.
Moving is actually a good thing. It forces you to clean out closets and go through your garage. Now I have a question here and tell me if this happens to you too. Have you ever cleaned out a closet, garage, storage shed or your car and found items that do not belong to you. Not only do these items not belong to you but you have no idea from where they came? Then you start asking around and no one in your family knows anything about these items and denies ever seeing them before. Now you are faced with a dilemma. Do I take this doomahitchee to Goodwill or do I keep it. What if it belongs to Uncle Fred and he asks me for it back. What if Aunt Lulu left it in my hands for safe keeping and she asks me about it next Christmas at the family feud dinner? What do you do? You do the only thing you can do. You pack it up and get ready to move it with you. You label the box “DOOMAHITCHEE FROM UNKNOWN ORIGIN” and go on about your packing still scratching your head and wondering why you have a doomahitchee in the first place that you can find but for the life of you, you can not find your favorite black t-shirt that makes you feel like a supermodel.
You know the drill. You schlep all over town and get boxes to put your stuff in. Then you go get more boxes because you have so much stuff that it doesn’t all fit in the boxes you got before. Then you go rent a storage facility. You and your spouse, significant other or Rottweiler talk it over and decide that a 40 X 80 should be plenty of room for your stuff. Then you rent a truck to move all of your stuff into the 40 X 80 storage shed only to find that it won’t all fit into the truck. Once again you schlep all the way across town driving a U-Haul which you are being charged 87 trillion dollars by the millimeter and take load by load to the 40 X 80 shed.
You beg and plead with all your big burly male family members and friends to come help you move the ginormous curio cabinet that belonged to your Great Great Great Grandmother Pernecious and watch horrified as they break every 150 year old rounded glass panel and rip off the ever so delicate eagle claw feet trying to squeeze it between the huge Thingamagig that you found in the garage that once again you know not the origin.
Finally you have everything stowed that can be stowed in the 40 X 80 storage facility and you still have 14 more truckloads of stuff. Oh shut up, you know you have it too. There in front of you sit the boxes of Christmas ornaments, Halloween decorations and of course your Super Bowl Party Box which contains all of your favorite team memorabilia as well as the dip and chip containers and your 60 gallon chili pot. What to do, what to do?
You slink back into the Store Your Crap Here storage facility and tell the desk clerk you need another storage locker. She looks at you with raised eyebrows and says “I only have one left and it’s an 80 X 200’ warehouse.” You drop down and kiss her feet and pay out a years worth of salary to store your crap for one month.
You fire up the U-Haul and speed back to your humble abode to retrieve the remainder of your stuff. You pile up the truck as high as the boxes will go. You fold and bend and squeeze as much stuff into the moving van as you dare and head back to the Store Your Crap warehouse. You unload the truck only to find that, yes; you have run out of storage space once again. Where did all this stuff come from you wonder? Why do I have all of this stuff of which half I don’t even know what it is or from where it came?
You crawl in shame up to the desk clerk and beg for yet another space. She smiles and tells you that she just happened to have one move out. So once again you go back and stack the van to the hilt. You have pushed shoved and forced stuff into every available nook and cranny. Which brings me to another question, just what the heck is a cranny? Is it something to do with a granny? I digress.
You stop and fill the van up with $6.00 gasoline and once again enter the gates to the Store Your Crap Here facility. You back the van up to the door and roll it open. Tools and furniture spill out onto the asphalt as you try to get some semblance of order. Then you notice that one of the mattresses seems to be moving all on its own. You watch as it shakes and trembles and then bursts forth from the wall of stuff. That is when you realize that you have packed one of your helpers into the middle of your stuff and you wonder if you have by chance left some of them in the other storage facilities.
Finally 6000 square feet of storage and $4000 worth of mileage later you have everything in storage. Your whole life is stuffed and pushed and piled into a building that someone else owns and you pay to store your stuff. You return to your house to begin the next phase of the move, the clean-up. You walk into the house only to realize that your children have brought down more stuff from the upstairs. They have clothing and bedding, personal items and the left over plutonium from their 7th grade science fair project.
They have their whole lives on the empty living room floor. That is when you sit down in the middle of the left over packing paper and tape and cry out to the moving gods, WHY HAVE YOU FORESAKEN ME? WHY?
*disclaimer: None of the junk in the above pictures is mine. These pictures came from estate sales and a sundry of other websites. I just wanted you to know because this is all much neater and better stuff than I have. Besides I was much too busy going through stuff to take pictures of my stuff. I did however get rid of a lot of stuff and now I am going to have to go out and buy more stuff to replace the stuff I got rid of. You don't believe me? Watch George Carlin Stuff:
This weeks' Theme Thursday is Breakfast. I love breakfast but I don't like it for dinner. People who eat breakfast for dinner really bug me. Breakfast is breakfast, don't mess it up by eating it at 6:00 in the evening. Eat something like a salad or baked chicken but not bacon and eggs. Well crap there I go rambling on again. Here is how Theme Thursday works, on Sunday you are given the theme for the week, then you scramble your brain just like your eggs to come up with something worth writing. You write it down link it up to a bunch of other scrambled brained people and then everyone reads what the others have written and hopefully you get new readers and new writers. Hey did you know that they eat brains for breakfast? Anywho here is my take on breakfast. Sip your coffee, butter your toast and read my submission then go over to Theme Thursday and read what others have to say.
She was riding through a field of daisies only they didn’t smell like daisies they smelled like bacon. She got off her horse and scooped up an armful of the bright yellow and white flowers and breathed in their bacon scent. That is when she realized that the daisies weren’t daisies at all but fried eggs on stems of bacon. She looked around and the whole field was fried eggs and toast. Sweet homemade bread toasted to a buttery golden hue. Her stomach growled and she salivated wanting to put her head down and graze like a cow. How could this be? How could there be a field of bacon and eggs where there had just been flowers and bees?
“Wake up little sleepy heads” came the sweet sing song voice. “Oh SHIT” she thought “I’ve overslept. I’m always the first one up and Auntie V has already made breakfast.” Gladys jumped out of bed with her hair sticking six ways to Sunday and ran for the bathroom. She splashed some water on her face and looked around for her toothbrush. This was her favorite time of year. The time of year she got to spend a couple of weeks on “the ranch”. The ranch was where she would be fussed over and listened to and made to feel special. Gladys loved “the ranch” because she felt like she belonged. She didn’t feel like she had been found under a rock. She just knew she was destined to be a ranch-woman. She would dream of getting an outfit just like Dale Evans and a paint horse just like Tonto. She would ride the range singing Cowboy Songs and eat around a campfire with her amigos. Yep, Gladys knew she belonged on the range.
“Glaaadiissss, your biscuits are gonna get cold” came the cry as she freshened up and rushed from the bathroom into the kitchen. There all around her were what she could only imagine heaven smelled like. There was homemade jam in little jars with strawberries imprinted on the lids, over on the table was a plate of crispy bacon and sausage and a plate of homemade angle flake biscuits. Life just didn’t get any better than this. “How did you sleep sweetie” her aunt inquired. See that was the other thing she loved about the ranch, people asked her questions and actually wanted hear her answer. They didn’t ask and then just talk over her; although she could hardly blame people for talking over her. I mean if they didn’t how would they ever get a word in edge wise or other wise? “I slept jest fine, thank you. You know I had the weirdest dream. I dreamt I was riding through a field of fried eggs on stalks of bacon. Have you ever had a dream like that? Isn’t that just the dangdest thang you ever heard” Gladys gushed as she started loading her plate up with the goodness that was her aunt’s cooking.
Gladys looked up just as she sat her plate on the table to see the rest of the gang come through the back door. “Where have y’all been” Gladys asked while stuffing a piece of bacon in her mouth. “We were out with the cows. How come you slept in so late? You turnin city-girl on us” asked her eldest cousin, B. Gladys washed her bacon down with a big gulp of Tang and said “nope, I was just havin such a good dream I decided to stay in it awhile. How come y’all are up so early? What time is it anyway?” Her aunt chuckled and said “it’s almost 6:30 sleepy head, but you’re still up before your brother.” Gladys bit into a hot fluffy honey soaked biscuit and said “that ain’t hard to do, he sleeps til noon.” Uncle Jay coughed and said “well, we’ll see about that.”
Gladys paid no never mind to the ruckus that kicked up in the room where her brother was sleeping. She heard the cousins poking and prodding on Buck while she soaked up a little more egg yolk with her biscuit. She heard the protest from Buck as he was pulled from his bed by their rambunctious cousins. She watched as Matilda sleepy eyed and confused slid into the seat next to her. “What are they doin to Buck” Matilda whispered. Gladys smiled a big eggy smile and replied “getting him up fer breakfast. You know cowboys have to get up early. Gene Autry wouldn’t sleep in. I’ve never heard of The Lone Ranger sleeping past sun-up, heck I don’t even think the Cisco Kid lays around watching soap operas and eatin chocolate pie. They have to be up early to go out and round up the cattle rustlers and stuff.” Matilda looked at her little sister and rolled her eyes.
Pretty soon the table was filled with cousins and siblings all eating and talking at once. Then Uncle Jay made the schedule for the day. “You kids finish up your breakfast. You boys need to go down there and mend the fence in that front pasture. B, you need to finish plowin the old house pasture. You girls help V with the garden. Gladys, I’m going to town and I think you should come with me.” Gladys sat straight up in her chair, thrilled to be singled out. “Ok. I got to get dressed first” and out she ran forgetting her plate and glass. She knew she was in for an adventure. Uncle Jay would always take her on some wild ride and even let her drive every now and then even though she was only 7. Hey, ranch-women had to know how to drive young, how else would she be able to get her cattle to auction. She threw on her clothes and brushed out her hair and was ready to go in an instant. She ran back to the table where the others were finishing up their breakfast and putting their plates in the sink. “Oh yeah” she sighed “sorry I forgot” and grabbed her plate and glass and washed them off in the sink.
Uncle Jay grabbed his hat and headed out the door “you coming Heebeegeebee?” Gladys ran to catch up with him. They got in the truck and headed up the dirt road which took them to the paved road which took them to town. They drove past the post office and the hardware store. They eased past the bank and into the Koffee Kup Kafe’s parking lot. Gladys looked around the parking lot and up the street “What are we doin here?” Uncle Jay pushed up the brim of his hat and said “havin breakfast.”
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 3-15-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
Tuesday 3/9/2010 5:49 a.m. A patient at a local rehabilitation facility reports that their prescription medication went missing. Sounds like Dr. Drew is at it again.
11:25 a.m. Apparently, an elderly couple neglected to pay for their meal at a local café. It is unknown whether this was an intentional act. This is when dementia comes in handy.
2:20 p.m. Someone called to report finding a puddle of blood near a condominium in Lakeside. Police confirmed that it was in fact a small puddle of blood but were unable to locate the source of the leak. Am I the only person picturing a guy walking around with a cork stuck in a bullet hole?
2:37 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called for help in removing his wife’s boyfriend from the home. Now I wonder what that 9*1*1 call sounded like: 9-1-1 Caller: Yes, um, my wife’s boyfriend is in my house and I can’t get him out. 9-1-1 Operator – Have you called a pest control company? Caller: Yes I called Smith and Wesson but figured I better call you before I used them.
7:37 p.m. A possibly suicidal man on Highway 35 was not in fact suicidal. Authorities contacted him and found that he was on his way to dinner Death by chocolate?
Thanks to thevinylvillage.com for the image.
Thursday 3/11/2010 4:54 p.m. A local man reports that a woman tried to run him over while he was riding his bike on Antelope Trail. This was highly unusual, as the woman evidently has a restraining order against him. Maybe he needs to reciprocate.
5:15 p.m. A Whitefish resident reports that someone entered their home and took their medicinal marijuana. Sure isn’t it all medicinal these days?
Friday 3/12/2010 6:39 p.m. A concerned Bigfork resident called to report that a deer was sporting a clothesline or badminton net around its neck. The deer was gone when authorities arrived Maybe it was trying to make a fashion statement.
9:59 a.m. A vehicle was reportedly stolen from a locked garage on Creekside Drive. It is unknown how this phenomenon occurred. Maybe it was a Close Encounter of the Third Kind
12:05 p.m. An antique stove was reportedly stolen from a porch on Burly Bear Trail. Maybe it was beamed up too.
1:11 p.m. Someone evidently stole elk antlers from a local lodge. Wow sounds like an alien crime spree
2:22 p.m. A Bigfork resident called to report that their dog had been stolen Yep sounds like alien cat burglar or in this case a dog burglar.
7:55 p.m. Police helped remove an unwanted male subject from a Bigfork home. The man had previously been romantically involved with the reporting party’s daughter. Maybe he should make friends with the aliens.
Once again Kahuna snatched Gladys from her bed. He made her get dressed early on this daylight savings time Sunday. Yes she sprang forward but she would have much rather fell back. “Hurry” he urged as he threw camera case and jacket at her. Gladys wiped the sleep from her eyes and looked at the bright sun shiny day. “Why couldn’t it be raining” she moaned.
There in her cup holder sat her “Is Your Picker Broke” coffee mug, full of the yumminess that is a Cinnamon Dolce Latte.
She looked at her faithful companion Boz and said “what has he got in store for us today?” The little dog licked the foam from his lips; yes he got a latte too, and replied ruff! Kahuna jumped into the driver’s seat and headed down their dirt road.
They sped down the freeway and then through town. Pretty soon the landscape filled with more big granite boulders and less tract houses. They drove past general stores and past cactus plants taller than Gladys. Gladys adjusted her sunglasses and sipped her Latte. They drove and drove for what seemed like days. Kahuna ever the gentleman asked “looks like you downed that latte. Would you like to stop and use the restroom?” Gladys looked at the nothingness all around her and said “is there a restroom behind one of those boulders or do I have to squat behind a yucca?” Kahuna patted her hand and sweetly replied “no sweetheart there is a Circle K around this next bend.” Gladys rolled her eyes and thought yeah right.
The little SUV swung tight around the next curve and slowed as they entered a quaint little burg. There looming in the distance was the Circle K convenience store.
They whipped into the parking lot and walked into the store. Kahuna ever thoughtful filled Gladys’ “Is Your Picker Broke” coffee mug while Gladys went in search of the loo. Gladys made her way to the counter and asked the clerk if they had a public restroom. The clerk, Tammy Sue, looked Gladys up and down and replied “nope. The nearest one would be down at the Mobile Station and honestly I wouldn’t let my dog use it.” Gladys now panic stricken looked up and down the main street of the little community and asked “how far to the next public restroom?” Tammy Sue looked around at the empty store and said “too long for you to have to wait. Just go ahead and use ours, it’s around the corner and behind the stacks of Bud.” Gladys thanked the kind clerk effusively and made her way through the stacks of inventory and into a well worn but surprisingly clean room of relief.
Once relief had been obtained Gladys joined Kahuna at the cash register to pay for their now full “Is Your Picker Broke” mugs and some Corn Nuts. Yes, it is the breakfast of champions. They once again embarked upon their journey. They spoke of many things on their drive through the countryside. They spoke of the fact that rattlesnakes like rocky boulder terrain as well as scorpions and spiders. They commented on the number of motorscooter enthusiast out for a Sunday ride. Mostly they just wondered if they were lost.
Finally Kahuna spotted the sign and they turned down another winding road which descended into a valley. Now at this point all Gladys could do was start singing “down in the valley, valley so low..”, which was probably the result of too much coffee and not enough Corn Nuts. They continued on until they spotted some Teepees. “Are we going to go trade furs to the Native Americans” Gladys asked.
Kahuna shook his head and said “no, just keep looking”. They proceeded on and saw some wooden structures and lots of plastic flowers. Then she saw the horse and rider coming up the trail. She watched as they moved together in one fluid motion and cleared the wooden structure, rounded the teepees and headed toward the pond.
“Oh Goody” Gladys cried “a cross country run!” Kahuna looked at Gladys and flashed his winning smile. They pulled into the parking area amongst a group of trailers and trucks.
They disembarked the vehicle while Boz barked his arrival.
The event and the ground were beautiful. All around were horses and riders and the proud parents of the horses and riders and children of horses and riders.
There were young and old alike all participating on a fine Daylight Savings Time Sunday.
What did you do on spring forward day?
Thank you 3-Day Ranch for the wonderful day. This was the Southern California Equestrian Sports three day USEF recognized trials in Aguanga, CA. They can be found at www.scessports.org or visit 3 Day Ranch by clicking on the link.
Up and Over
I think I heard him scream "Oh SHIT!" as he went over.
You know the woman in your neighborhood who knows everything going on? You know the relative who has all the recent gossip? You know the church member who knows who was at the bar the night before? That would be me, Gladys.
Bar Ditch = A ditch on the side of the road. Also know as a borrow ditch
Gussied Up - to dress in one's best clothes (usually fol. by up): to gussy up in your best Sunday go-to-meeting clothes.
Sigh-Reen = an implement used to give warning also known as Siren
Sumabeech= the son of a female dog
winder= an opening in the wall of a building, the side of a vehicle, etc., for the admission of air or light, or both, commonly fitted with a frame in which are set movable sashes containing panes of glass better known as a window
From my legal council over at Stealum, Robem and Screwum:
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