Matilda Come Lately

It is Thursday which means it is Meatloaf day. No that’s not it. Thursday is turkey casserole. Nope that isn’t it either. Is it Taco Thursday? Is it Thirsty Thursday? Nope, it is once again time for Themed Thursday.  This Thursday the theme is Late. Hmm, there are so many ways I could take this. I mean LATE! What does that bring to mind for you? Well hold on because I will take you on a ride through my mind and I won’t make you late.  Then go on over to Theme Thursday and read what other's have linked.


There she sat on the side of the sink. A mascara wand in one hand and a safety pin in the other. “Come on Matilda! We are going to be late. You know what happens when we are late” Gladys whined. Matilda separated one spidery eyelash from another and applied yet another coat of mascara to her lashes. “Shut up Gladys. I will be ready when I’m ready. Go tell Buck that I’m almost done.” Gladys rolled her eyes put her hands on her hips and said “he ain’t gonna be happy” then turned and stomped out of the bathroom. Matilda continued her precise partitioning knowing her little sister would do her bidding.

Buck sat in his Opal G.T., Baby, listening to Blood Sweat and Tears for the sixth time in a row.

He would hit re-wind on his tape deck and sing along “ride a painted pony let the spinning wheel turn”. He looked up when the passenger door opened. “Where is she? If she’s not in this car by the time this song is over I’m leaving without her! Do you want me to leave you too? Go tell her I’m not going to be late again.” Gladys rolled her eyes and marched back into the house to tell her older sister that she had better hurry. This routine made Gladys tired. She was only eleven and this going back and forth between her older siblings made her weary to the bone. Why did it have to be so difficult to go any where? Life should be easy. She had an older brother with a cool car and a driver’s license how bad could it be?

Oh wait, she had an older sister who had never been on time for anything. The only time she was ever early was when she was born a month premature. Why must she take so much time getting dressed? How hard can it be? You smear some blue stuff on your eyelids, slap some black stuff on your eyelashes, roll some white stuff on your lips and you’re done. Not Matilda, she spent hours separating each eyelash. Then she had to make sure she put blue stuff on her eyelids, then line her eyes with black stuff, then put white stuff under her eyes then pink stuff on her cheeks. It was all too much for little Gladys who brushed her teeth and hair only when reminded.

She marched into the bathroom where Matilda was still parting yet another clump of lashes and said “he said if you aren’t out there in one minute he is leaving without you.” Matilda lowered her mascara wand and narrowed her eyes in a menacing way “you tell him if he leaves me he is going to be in BIG trouble. I am almost done. All I have to do is finish curling my hair.”

The sound that came from Gladys could only be described as the same sound a wounded moose would make. She drug her feet out to the car, opened the door and whined “she is still unclumping her spidie-lashes. She still has to do her hair!” Buck turned off the car and opened his door. Gladys smirked. She knew the fight was on now. Buck was decked out in his plaid bell bottomed pants, white belt and cranberry colored shirt. His hair was combed to perfection but he doubled checked it in the perfectly polished windshield of his beloved “Baby”. He stomped through the house in his platform shoes and threw open the bathroom door. “NOW!” he demanded.

Matilda sat her safety pin on the vanity and looked at Buck “Don’t make me hurt you.” Buck laughed and said “I’m the one with the driver’s license; now let’s go we are going to be late.” Matilda sat back down on the counter top and brushed away some errant mascara. “I’m almost ready. We aren’t going to be late” she answered nonchalantly. “Besides, you always say you’re going to leave but you don’t. You know that you would be in trouble if you did.” Buck jiggled his keys and replied “well today is the day that I am leaving you.” He grabbed Gladys by the arm and said “come on, you’re ready, let’s go.”

Gladys turned and looked at her sister as she was being drug from the room. There Matilda sat still picking apart her lashes with a smile on her face. She knew her siblings wouldn’t leave for church without her, even if she did make them late.

Shortly after this picture was taken the fight was on.

Return of Just The Facts 11-16-09

Either nothing of consequence happened in the Flathead area over the last couple of weeks or I just broke my funny bone but it looks like it is on the mend.  So without further ado...

There are a million stories in the city.


Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")


The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 11-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)



Wednesday 11/04/2009

2:01 p.m. A Shar-Pei and a Pit Bull ran at large on Hidden Lane.
First of all could they run any other way? Have you seen the size of those dogs? Second of all I wonder if they were hiding?
5:20 p.m. Someone on Tamarack Lane in Columbia Falls reports that a bear has been eating the meat out of their outdoor freezer.
Now Yogi that’s taking it a bit far, I mean stealing my turkey out of my freezer.

7:11 p.m. A man in dark clothing and carrying a dark-colored bag wandered down the middle of Highway 93.
I see Johnny Cash is back again. “I see that train a coming…”



9:08 p.m. An injured deer on Hodgeson Road jumped up and ran away when a deputy approached.
Maybe it didn’t want to get caught in the headlights, or maybe it was playing opossum.




Thursday 11/5/2009

2:53 p.m. Someone and his girlfriend left an Evergreen family eatery without paying for their meal.
Well she said she was a cheap date.
4:14 p.m. A resident of Martin City reports that someone was running around their house and hiding in the bushes. The subject was described as wearing a puffy dress with long johns and pants underneath.
I know who it was.   It was the Tooth Fairy!

9:19 p.m. A drunk man went to the bathroom in the bushes outside an Evergreen fast food restaurant. Authorities responded but could not find the leaky man.
Did they follow the yellow trail in the snow?

Friday 11/6/2009

8:02 p.m. Two woman and a man attempted to steal thousands of dollars worth of items from an Evergreen box store. All three of them went directly to jail.
Did they pass go? Did they collect $200?

Monday 11/9/2009

3:09 a.m. Someone in Columbia Falls could hear voices outside but couldn’t see anyone in the area.
Was it Bigfoot talking to the Tooth Fairy?
10:01 a.m. Three goats are in the habit of wandering onto a neighbor’s property on Helena Flats Road.

Hum, maybe it was the Three Billy Goats Gruff or perhaps Nanny Goats In Panties and her friends.


10:48 a.m. Apparently, a man’s estranged wife has “half of the Valley” out looking for him with the intention to end his life.
Oh come on! Half of the Valley? What about Fred on the other half? I heard he is after you too.

Remeber the Mob scene from Young Frankenstein?

That is what I'm invisioning.

11:33 a.m. A resident of Gunsite Loop was chased into their home by a neighbor’s vicious dog.

See even the dog is after you.

3:43 p.m. After striking a mountain lion with their vehicle, a motorist requested information for an insurance claim.
Really? Do you think the mountain lion had insurance?

4:06 p.m. A man was seen sitting in his vehicle near a local convenience store with a hatchet on his lap. When asked what he was doing, he claimed he was just “killing time.”
He was just waiting to bury the hatchet in Mr. HalftheValley’s head.

Here's Johnny!

5:15 p.m. Someone lost their wallet and then later found it.

In his back pocket?

10:29 p.m. Authorities chased a man dressed in camouflage and carrying a rifle in Columbia Falls. The subject evidently fled when they tried to make contact.
Well there is another one after Mr. HalftheValley. I see a conspiracy theory brewing.

Tuesday 11/10/2009

8:41 a.m. A garage door on Valley Drive has been mysteriously opening when the homeowner isn’t around. Recently, part of a deer carcass went missing from the open garage.
Damn that Yogi!
1:18 p.m. Over one year ago, a theft occurred on Dun Movin Lane.
First of all Dun Movin Lane? Second of all a YEAR ago?

Thursday 11/12/2009

11:53 a.m. Obscene material mysteriously appeared on a computer at a local dive shop.
Gee honey, I don’t know where that video of Carrie Prejean came from.
12:32 p.m. Someone stole a deer head from the back of a truck on Parliament Drive.
Yogi, that’s enough. Go back to stealing pick-a-nick baskets!
6:24 p.m. Two juveniles fought at a local church while waiting for their youth group to begin.
Um, yeah, dudes, your like in church and stuff, shouldn’t you be acting Christian like?

8:52 p.m. Hazardous chemicals were splattered all over the photography dark room at the local college. The building was evacuated and the chemicals contained.
WAIT! People still use film?
10:25 p.m. A woman called, saying that she was lost in a field and didn’t know how she got there. She could not identify her location, but indicated that there was a fence nearby. The woman’s husband later located her and escorted her home.
Where is Mulder and Sculley when you need them?

Friday 11/13/2009
2:23 p.m. A man was separated from his mother-in-law while hunting on Blankenship Road. The woman turned up while a deputy was speaking with the man.
Again sounds like UFO activity.

4:45 p.m. A young boy spit on a 10-year-old girl. She responded by kicking him in the chin.
Been practicing your Karate again Mary Kate?
6:12 p.m. Someone on Many Lakes Drive reports that their 4-year-old has been seeing a man at his bedroom window at night. This claim is substantiated by footprints found in the dirt beneath the child’s window. Authorities will be following up.
Did he see a guy with a really big head and big eyes? NO? Then it was just Bigfoot.

8:00 p.m. A resident of Middle Road in Columbia Falls heard something hit his house. Though no damage was done, the reporting party suspects an act of criminal mischief.
Bigfoot or Aliens? You decide.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

"It's awkward having a policeman around the house. Friends drop in, a man with a badge answers the door, the temperature drops 20 degrees.

Now be careful out there...you never know where Bigfoot may be lurking.

Gladys Has Slasher Random Thoughts

It is Friday again. Didn’t this week fly? Doesn’t it seem the closer to Christmas the faster the days go by? Honestly whose idea was it for it to get dark at four in the afternoon? Anyway seeing that it is Friday it is time for Mrs. 4444 over at Half Past Kissing Time to host Friday Fragments. She says her brain is picked dry, somehow I doubt that. Also and too it is Virtual Girl’s Night Out over at Ann Again and Again. Go on over link up to these and join in all the linky love.

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Are you superstitious? Since it is Friday the 13th do you look for Jason over your shoulder? Or was that Halloween? No wait that was Freddy Kruger or was it Leather Face? I don’t know I get so confused.

The only thing scarier than this guy is this guy in a clown wig

 Anyway do you cross the street to avoid a black cat? What if you own a black cat? Do you spend all of your time avoiding your cat?

This picture is from Petfinders.com 

If you can't adopt a pet at least donate to your

nearest pet rescue.

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What about throwing salt over your left should if you spill it? Do you do that? I did that one time in a restaurant and hit the lady behind me right between the eyes. I didn’t know you were supposed to throw the spilled salt and not the salt shaker.

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Chuck Todd yeah the Whitehouse reporter for NBC is a bet welcher. What am I talking about? Remember during the World Series when he bet the Whitehouse Press Secretary if his team lost he would shave off his mo-goat? Yeah that stupid looking moustache and half goatee thing that makes his face look like he is wearing a butthole? Yeah that thing. Anyway he lost his bet and he NEVER shaved.

Could it be that he is just Robert Gibbs in disguise? Maybe he doesn’t want to blow his cover.

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It’s November and my mind tells me that I should be wearing sweaters and boots instead of shorts and flip flops.

It should look like this

                                                                             

                                                                                     Not this

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I met the blogger known as Nanny Goats In Panties earlier this week in the Mento, Sacramento that is. You know what? She wasn’t a nanny goat and she was dressed in frilly panties. Go figure.

I took this from her.  She fought hard

but ...

She and her husband were very entertaining. Thanks NGIP we enjoyed meeting you.
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Do you ever watch those shows Hoarder or Clean House? I just watched a couple of episodes this week and I now have the urge to purge. I swear I’m going to get rid of everything in my house. There will be nothing but concrete floors and bare walls. I don’t want Niecy Nash showing up at my house.

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Now for my overheard of the week only it wasn’t actually overheard but more of a conversation with me.

Ceasar Chavez Park Sacramento, CA

I was in Bigbucks across from Chavez Park in Sacramento. I was in line behind a woman who had lots and lots of make-up caked on, carrying a big sparkly purse and bright pink pumps. She was holding a tattered and torn cup, one she obviously fished from the garbage.

Thanks Greenville Daily

She was carrying on a conversation with someone named Zenu. It was her turn at the counter when I realized she was going to get the nasty dirty cup refilled.

I moved up next to her and said to the Barista “hey that cup looks like it might leak. Why don’t you give her a fresh cup of coffee, you can put it on my tab. The Barista frowned and said “are you sure?” I smiled and said “Absolutely. I wouldn’t want her to leak coffee on her pretty pink shoes.” The Homeless woman continued her conversation with Zenu said to the air next to my head “That lady is going to take my shoes.”

The Barista smirked and asked “a latte or a regular coffee?” She turned away from her conversation with the mysterious Zenu and answered “regular, extra hot.” He handed her the new extra large extra hot cup of coffee and she turned toward the condiment table. It was my turn and I placed my order when I heard “Hey lady!” I turned to see the Homeless woman about to exit the coffee house. She smiled a big smile and said “tell your momma and dem I said HI!” I didn’t hesitate and I didn’t waiver I smiled and said “I sure will shug! You have a good day!” The Barista and the other patrons all stood wide eyed and starring. I just smiled and said “she must be from the south. We speak the same language.”

Oh and the Barista did not charge me for her coffee.

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Also and too Otin over at The Wizard of Otin hosts Happy Hour Friday. Go on over check out what makes him happy and link yourself up. Now here is what makes me happy.

A little color in the middle of the desert

Cool old buidlings

Finding out your early morning flight is empty

and you have a 737 to yourself.

What are you doing this weekend?  Are you dragging your Christmas decorations out?  Getting ready to go to the National Rodeo Finals in Las Vegas?  Snowboarding?  Tell me what your weekend holds.
Me?  Kahuna and I will be at the beach. 

Now go be good to one another and remember thoughts become things, think the good ones.

Ring, Ring Telephone Ring

Today is Themed Thursday and the word of the day is Telephone. Yes that thing that has evolved from something that hung on the wall or sat on a hall table to the thing we cannot be without.

We carry it with us everywhere. Heck I know people who carry it to the bathroom. Honestly I don’t want to talk to you if you’re busy in that way.

Thanks Wired.com for this visual

I remember as a child my grandmother had an old crank telephone hanging on the wall. When she passed away my family moved into her house and I would spend hours sitting on a stool pretending to be talking on that phone. I would crank it up and then say “Mabel, get me Orchard 457” then I would wait as if Mabel really was ringing OR-457 and then I would launch into a full fledge conversation “Ethel, how the heck are you? Oh yeah? They did what?” The rest of my family would sit in the family room watching television or sneaking snacks from the pantry while I sat carrying on my conversation. “What? In whose back yard? Why I didn’t even know that had a cow!” Yes I was quite the five year old conversationalist.

I would also listen to my parents conversations on another phone. The actual working phone which you no longer had to crank yet it still hung on the kitchen wall. Their conversations were short and concise. They said what they had to say, garnered the information they needed conveyed and politely rang off. As life changed so did our telephone habits. Conversations became more extended and we had more and more telephone solicitations.

My dad, Trooper Bob, had a special way in which to handle these calls and still does. The following is an excerpt of one of my father’s conversations.

Ring

TB: Hello?

Salesman: Is this Mr. Bob?

TB: Yes and you are?

Salesman: This is Barney with Stealem and Robem Investments and I have a wonderful opportunity for you.

TB: Barney? Is that really you? Where the hell have you been? They told me you up and died. Died deader than a doornail.  Heck I was at your funeral.  Did you see me there?

Salesman: Um, I’m Barney Bunkem, Mr. Bob. I work for Stealem and Robem Investments. I am calling to tell you about a…

TB: (Who has now began wailing into the receiver) God damnit Barney I’m so happy to hear from you. Here I thought I was never gonna get to talk to you again. Man it’s so good to hear from you. There were so many things I wanted to tell you. Hey did you hear me when I leaned over your casket and told you my secrets? Man you’re not going to tell anyone are you?

Salesman: Cough. Um Mr. Bob I think you have me mistaken for…

TB: Oh Barney, stop joshing with me I would know your voice anywhere.

Salesman:  heavy sigh then  Mr. Bob I’m not who you think.

TB: Hey Barney remember the time that we put that cow shit in a bag and set it on fire on Old Mr. Ham’s porch. Then we rang the door bell and ran? I thought I would split a gut watching that old man stomp out that fire. Stomping cow shit all over the place. Man I learned some words that night. An remember the time…

Salesman: Mr. Bob, I am calling from…

TB: So have you ran into Mr. Ham? If you do would you apologize for me? I mean I am an old man now and would kinda like to go to heaven. You did end up in heaven didn’t you?

Click.

So you see the telephone my parents taught me can be a useful tool, a toy and a source of humor.