Thursday, April 28, 2011

Gladys Gets Ready

I am just beside myself. Wait if I’m beside myself does that make me bi-polar or multi-personality disorder? Either way I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head chopped off, which if you have ever seen you know is quite messy. What with blood spurting here and feathers flying there. I digress.


Oh I know I should have been better prepared. I should have planned in advance. I should have, but I didn’t. Then I took Nurse Meme day off and flounced around all day and got nothing done. Well nothing except went to Wal*Mart. That brings me to another side track. I believe we need more rules in this country. One of which is if you are going to make me pick dog poop up off of your dirt then you should be made to pick your child’s poop up off the Wal*Mart bathroom floor. I think that is a good rule.

I know about now you are looking at your computer and screaming out “WHAT? GLADYS DID WHAT? WHERE?” Well let me first share this little story and then I’ll get back to my other little story. I went to the Squal, um I mean Wal*Mart yesterday to pick up some of those cool little tooth picks that have the stringy thing on them that lets you floss your teeth without having to unhinge your jaw to get to your back teeth. It kind of surprises me that they have them at our Wal*Mart seeing as most of the people in our Walmart don’t have back teeth, come to think of it they don’t have front ones either. I have been suffering from a little bout of e-coli that was produced from eating tainted Jenny-O turkey burgers. This puts me in a precarious situation since the effects of it will hit me in the most obnoxious way at the most inopportune times. I was standing in the aisle when all of a sudden old Mr. E-Coli decides to do a number on me and I rush for the bathroom. Well in true Wal*Mart style the one closest to me had a big yellow cart parked in front of it with the words “OUT OF ORDER”. I pointed at that cart and shouted “Out of order! YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER”. Then I promptly turned around and high tailed it, so to speak, to the back of the store where I hoped and prayed the other restroom would not be having a judgmental moment.

I found the door to be free of blockage and ran for a stall. I settled on the first open door and began my germ blockage regimen. When I bent to place the ass gasket on the stool I noticed something on the floor not quite in my stall. I looked a bit closer and realized it was 3 small child sized turds on the floor. YES, I said TURDS as in more than one on the FLOOR. I ran for another stall and finally found one open and was able to find one that was turdless.

I was washing my hands when I spied a Wal*Mart employee drying her hands and so I said “Excuse me, but someone has relieved themselves on the floor in stall number 2. Shouldn’t someone come clean that up?” Becky, I know her name was Becky because it said so on her Wal*Mart name tag, replied “That doesn’t surprise me.” Then she went back to checking her passion pink lipstick and fluffing up her 1980’s over-permed mullet. I stood in disbelief and asked “aren’t you going to do something or tell someone?” Do you know what Becky the Wal*Mart employee said? She said “Nope.”

Well I trotted my little self right on up to the customer service desk and I demanded that they de-turd the restroom for the health and safety of the other Wal*Mart patrons. Then I told them exactly what I told you. I told them there should be a sign just like the sign in the park. You know the one that shows the person picking up dog poop, only with them picking up kid poop. You know what Youlanda, the Wal*Mart customer service lady and I know that was her name and what she did because it was on her name tag, said to me? She said “WHO DOES THAT?” My thoughts exactly. Now where was I?

Oh Yeah, me being schizophrenic or Catherine Zeta Jones or whatever. I have been working feverishly all day today. Why you ask? Well because it is the day before the Royal Wedding and I am just not prepared. I spent my morning getting the house all dusted and shined. I waxed the tables and cleaned the glass. I have been on the phone for hours looking for canopies. I called all around and they all said the same thing that I should get an Easy-UP. I keep telling people that I want little individual cakes and crackers with crab dip on them but for some reason they tell me it won’t be shady enough.

I ironed my outfit and gathered my pearls. I found my hankies and polished my tiara.

Then as I was walking around my kitchen talking to Omar the Tent maker about setting up some awnings and tables I realized my silver had not been shined.

Well this started another feverish flourish in the house of McGuillicutty.


I promptly began wiping and polishing and polishing and wiping which made me realize that I did not have a decent tin of tea in the house nor did I have any scones, biscuits or curd anywhere around.


What am I to do? I mean the wedding is tomorrow morning at 3 a.m. my time.

I was in a panic until I realized that no one in the house of McGuillicutty cared about the whole Royal fiasco but me. I just hope no one leaves turds in the restroom floor of Westminster Abby.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gladys Quotes Nurse Meme

It is April which means it is spring, which means there are pollen and mold spores and all kinds of floaty fleety things in the air. It happens every year and every year it takes me by surprise. I wake with puffy eyes, running nose and a raspy voice that sounds like I have drank a few too many whiskeys and smoked ten too many cigarettes even though I haven’t. It is also the birth month of Nurse Meme.


I thought about this one morning when I woke way too early. I wondered what I could do to celebrate and commemorate my mother. I decided that I would each day post on my Twitter @gladysspeaks one of my mother’s sayings. Now some are original and some are bastardizations of clich├ęs but all of them came out of her mouth at one time or another.

Nurse Meme could deadpan better than anyone I’ve ever known, but she was loud and clear when she was being serious. She would preface this fact with “I’m NOT LAUGHING” which would be preceded by either y full name complete with my first, middle and last name or with “young lady”.

One day when I was a young woman, oh shut up I was young…once, I was having a particularly bad day. My boyfriend was being an ass, my dog was sick and my clutch had gone out on my car and I thought it was the end of the world. I was sitting at the kitchen table having myself a real nice pity party. Nurse Meme came into the kitchen and took one look at me and shook her head “Gladys, what the hell is your problem?” I looked up from my cup of coffee and whined “my life is just terrible. I’m so tired of things going wrong all the time.” Nurse Meme got a pained look on her face and replied “Oh for cryin out loud! Pull your big girl panties up and get over yourself!” That was it. That was all she wrote. I was done for. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. She had totally nailed me. She was good at that. Now I know her intent was to basically tell me to knock it off but it was the way she told me to knock it off that made the difference.

 If the art of being blunt was gold, Nurse Meme would have been 24 karat. She could see you the first time in 2 years and immediately note out loud that you had gained 5 pounds and exactly where they were situated. The conversation would go something like this. “Earlene, why I haven’t seen you in 2 years. How are you? Howsyourmommandthem? Has your sisters hair grown back in after the bbq explosion? I told your dumbass brother-in-law that kerosene isn’t a very good choice of charcoal lighter. You know I think I’ve had him through the Eemerg-incy room 5 or 6 times this year. Well gurl you are looking good. You know it looks like you have put on a pound or five, right there round your hips. Oh now don’t go pulling that little short top down tryin to hide it. It looks real good with those low slung pants. You got one of them, what is it the kids call it? Muffin top? Well now you make sure you tell yourmommaandthem I said HI.” Then she would sashay off with her hair and make up in perfect order, her jeans freshly starched and pressed waving bye and never once batting an eye that she might have crossed a line. She said what she thought. She was blunt.

I loved that about her and wish that I too could be that blunt. So in memory of Nurse Meme I am posting my collection of Nurse Memeisms

"If you keep eating like that your ass is going to be as broad as an ax handle.". Nurse Meme

"You can get happy in those same panties you got mad in" Nurse Meme

"If everyone else were jumping off a bridge would you jump too? If you would then you're as big a dumb ass as they are" Nurse Meme

"There isn't any thing that a little Camphonphenique won't cure." Nurse Meme

"If you don't have something nice to say, then shut the hell up!" Nurse Meme

"Don't sh*t where you eat" Nurse Meme

"Don't cry over spilled milk, get off your ass and wipe it up." Nurse Meme

"Can't never could do anything" Nurse Meme

"Just put on more lipstick, you'll feel better." Nurse Meme

"If you lie down with dogs, you're gonna get up with fleas and you'll smell like a dog" Nurse Meme


Now go on and eat your veggies because there are starving children in China who would just love to have your brussel sprouts.















Friday, April 15, 2011

Gladys Has Western Union Man Thoughts

Here it is Friday again. Can you believe it? I mean it seems like it was just Sunday and Donald Trump was telling Mark What-his-name that he was fired and telling crazy Gary Busey that he needed to straighten up. REALLY Donald? Busey straighten up? He is crazier than Bugs Bunny on crack. Did you not watch Celebrity REHAB?


Mrs. 4's over at Half Past Kissing Time Hosts Friday Fragments.  Go on over and check out the wandering wonderings of her crew, but only after you have read mine. 


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I am so excited to tell you all that I will be making a trip to the South Pacific soon as I just got notified of a huge windfall. See below.



From: Western Union® Money Transfer [mailto:melgamal@eri.sci.eg]


Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:16 PM


To: undisclosed-recipients:


Subject:


Please be informed that you have $250,000.00 Lodged in our Western Union outlet to be transferred to you as a Compensation. Contact Western Union Office.


Mr. Richard Quest.


Aren’t I just the luckiest girl in the world?  I mean I actually have $250,000 LODGED in their Western Union Outlet. 
What exactly is it lodged between?  What outlet would that be, an electrical outlet?

**********************************************************

On another note do you think that Mr. Richard Quest might be kin to my old flame Johnny Quest? And Bandit?

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This correspondence brings me to another point on which I ponder. Do you remember in the old black and white movies the Western Union person would come to your house and deliver a cablegram? Do they bring you money with a money transfer? But more importantly do they wear the hat?

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As you know it is Easter time which means only one thing. Yes Cadbury eggs. You see when Jesus died on the cross and they put him in the tomb then a Giant Chicken in Bunny Ears placed the egg in front of the tomb. Therefore we celebrate by eating a giant Cadbury Egg.


What do you mean that's not how the story goes?

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3


Now tell me truly do you remember when you didn’t dare go to church on Easter Sunday unless your shoes matched your purse and your hat and gloves were white? Oh and shopping for that Easter dress was an event? Or if you are of the male persuasion you got a new tie?



Oh so you’re old too?

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Okay that is it for this week. I’m off to enjoy the beautiful spring sunshine and wait for the Western Union Man to deliver my big wad of cash.

Oh and I know I'm a week early for Easter but who says I won't have more next week?

Now go on and be good to one another and remember thoughts become things...think good ones.















Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just The Facts 4-4-2011

I have been remiss in report the goings on in the Flathead Valley.
There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 4-4-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Christie Burns (comments by Gladys)


Wednesday 3/23/2011



7:20 a.m. A woman “screaming at the top of her lungs” could be heard over an open line to 911. A Kalispell man was arrested for assault after biting and hitting the woman.

This would explain the screaming at the top of her lungs.


















4:52 p.m. A Hungry Horse girl reported that her 15-year-old brother pushed her into a mud puddle then rode away on his bike.
You can call the police for that? REALLY? Man I would have kept the PD busy with Buck’s shinnanagins
5:22 p.m. A Martin City woman threatened to “gut” some people during a phone call..
Gut? Not just stick a shive in but to gut them? Wow!
















3:07 a.m. A Martin City woman said she found some bruises on her body from two days ago.
Maybe it was from all that gutting she was doing.

Monday 3/28/2011

8:15 a.m. A man on Ridgewood Drive believes someone stole his identification and is collecting his unemployment.
How did that happen? I mean do you just walk into the unemployment office and throw down McLovin’s I.D. and say “give me my check”?

8:22 a.m. A Kila man was upset that someone had dumped a couch in his driveway. He also complained about a lack of green box sites and talked the about government conspiracies.
Yes, it is the great Couch Conspiriacy. What? You haven’t heard of it? Yes it has to do with a grassy knoll, the CIA and the Mafia and Mel Gibson.
10:44 a.m. A home on Brook Drive was toilet papered and egged sometime last week. Also, Feces was left on the front door step.
I don’t understand. They obviously had plenty of T.P. why leave it on the door step?

5:50 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that he slapped his wife.
Was he feeling guilty so he called or was he trying to beat her to it?

3:45 a.m. A man on West Reserve Drive complained about his neighbor’s excessively loud sexual activity. She was advised to quiet down.
Well that is embarrassing.
Tuesday 3/29/2011

10:20 a.m. A woman on Wettington Drive claimed her ex-boyfriend threw a tantrum and trashed her house during an argument over a neighbor. He was calm and putting away misplaced items when deputies arrived.
Well at least he picked up after himself.
1:54 p.m. A man on Kings Loop thinks someone stole a little bit of his firewood while he was moving. He hid the rest of the wood for the remainder of the move.
Where would you hide fire wood?
2:57 p.m. A stray dog took over a valley resident’s doghouse. The stray was taken by the animal warden to a bigger better dog house on Cemetery Road.
Would that make him a dog squatter?
7:09 p.m. An unfamiliar man was seen squatting and smoking a cigarette in the yard of an elderly couple’s peach house. Deputies found that the squatter was someone visiting the residents.
Was he sent to a bigger better house to squat on Cemetary road too?

Wednesday 3/30/2011

8:01 a.m. Someone in a silver Lexus on Highway 93 reportedly drove really fast, honked the horn then showed someone their middle finger.
Sounds like someone up there knows California sign language.
10:17 a.m. There is talk of litter on Goat Trail in Whitefish.
Was it the Goats talking of it?


8:21 p.m. Someone on Foothill Drive said a suspicious but clean-cut man tried to sell them meat out of his truck.
Yes I’m usually suspicious of men trying to sell me meat.
9:25 p.m. According to spectators, a Hungry Horse man ripped off his shirt then pushed a woman to the ground. She got up and punched him. The two left the scene on foot, beer cans in hand.
Was it the Hulk and Wonderwoman?


2:57 a.m. Someone reported a drunken person recklessly driving round and round the roundabout.
Well if they weren’t drunk before they will be now.
Thursday 3/31/2011
12:39 a.m. Someone tattled on the driver of an 80s Camaro who “squealed” their tires at a stop sign on Third Street West.
Dude! It’s a 1980’s Camaro, it can’t help but squeal its tires.
1:06 a.m. A Martin City woman believes a weird kid down the street called and told her she would die if she crossed the street. She also said that grownups have been throwing things at her house and the two incidents may be related.
Just another confirmation of that conspiriacy theory.
Sunday 4/3/2011
8:40 a.m. A Hungry Horse woman reported that her drunken ex-husband violated their parenting plan when he called the night prior and asked what kind of panties she was wearing.
Just exactly what kind of parenting plan would that be?
10:24 a.m. A small poodle wearing a red sweater ran away from its home on Smoke Ridge in Kila last night.
At least he was dressed warmly.

10:45 a.m. A truckload of wood was stolen from a home in Hungry Horse.
They should have hidden it.
3:01 p.m. A Kila woman said her ex-husband yelled at their daughter and made her cry. He then took away some of her stuff.
I didn’t realize Alec Baldwin’s ex lived in Montana.
10:30 p.m. A woman on Park Street reported that her 15-year-old daughter hit her and may have bitten her. At the time of the call she was trashing her room.
Just because your daughter is mean to you is no reason to trash her room

Now go on and be careful out there.



Sunday, April 3, 2011

Gladys is a Rambler


I don’t know if I have shared this with you but I’m old. No really I am. I am old as in I get mail regularly from AARP and my insurance wants me to take an updated driver’s program in order to qualify for a discount. I’m not shy about the fact that I’m old I’m just, well a bit disappointed it happened so fast.


One minute I’m young and hip; okay I was never hip, but I was young. The next minute I turn around and I’m a grandmother. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind being a grandmother. As a matter of fact I always said I would rather be a grandmother than a mother. What’s not to love about being a grandmother? You get to spoil the kid, love all up on them, buy them very loud messy toys and then when their diaper is dirty; you just hand them back to their parents. Yes, grand-parenting is the sweet life. The only problem is you have to be old, well older, to be one.

I guess you could be like my friend Betsy Sue whose grandmother was only 30 years old when she was born. See it went like this. Her grandmother was 15 when she had Letty, Betsy Sue’s mom, and Letty was 15 when she had Betsy Sue and then Betsy Sue had Wanda Kay when she was 15. So Wanda Kay’s great grandmother Ida May was only 45. What can I say, they came from the shinery.


So technically I don’t guess you have to be OLD per say but OLDER.

Okay where did I loose you? Did I loose you at the fact that this family who came from the shinery had baby girls every 15 years or are you scratching your head at what the heck a shinery (pronounced shein-er-ee) is?

Let me break this down for you. Where I grew up there are fields of these short little nothing mesquite trees that are only shin high. It is flat and scrubby with little or no character, unlike the people who live there, and is a pain in the rear-end to walk or ride horses through. That is what the shinery is. Now then as far as my friend goes you try and figure out her family tree, because I’m old and too tired to.

Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, that I like being a grandmother. I really do and that is funny because I’m really not good with kids. There is all that whining and crying and fit throwing then their parents come and take them away to make me stop.


I really love it when they are really little and sweet and they still have that baby smell. I like it when they are all cuddles and smiles and laughter and play. Yep that is what makes being a grandmother fun!