My Found Day

Not to seem ungrateful to all of you who have sent me birthday wishes but I feel compelled to correct you. Today is my “found” day. You see I was not born but instead my family unit found me under a rock many many years ago.  No really go read about it here.  I'll wait.  http://gladysspeaks.blogspot.com/2009/01/found-under-rock.html


Now you may recall from my earlier post about it that I might have been left by a circus that not-so-accidently moved on without me. This theory has long been Matilda’s explanation of my coming to reside with her family. You see for her it was the only way to confirm my enormous Dumbo like ears, brillo pad hair and my buck teeth.

Her theory lies in that I was in fact the love child of two circus freak performers and as such I was so hideous that even they didn’t want me. Trooper Bob and Nurse Meme being the giving loving people they were overlooked my hideousness and instead graciously took me into their home.

Matilda believed that they had in fact done this so that she would have someone to whom she could hand over her chores. Thus giving her more time in which she could separate her eyelashes and stroke her beautiful Marsha Brady hair.

Buck on the other hand was convinced that I had been left by an alien space craft which had unfortunately crashed upon the site. The alien baby seeking shelter crawled under the rock because it was similar to the conditions of its home planet.

In his theory there was a meteor which hurdled toward the earth burning and turning. It hit the earth’s atmosphere and much like Superman the meteoric like craft came crashing into an open expanse of desert. He tried to prove this theory by using me as his private laboratory specimen. I of course have had a fear of being struck by meteor’s my whole life not to mention I won’t go near kryptonite. Unfortunately the only “super” power I can report to is the ability to talk a person to death.

No really I can. I truly believe one of the reasons I have never been taken hostage is because terrorist take one look at me and say “No Fred, don’t take her. She will kill us with her words. Too many words.” Then like Dick Van Patton in High Anxiety they would be found dead on the ground with blood oozing from their orifices. I digress.

I believe I was explaining to you all that while “birth day” is appropriate for most normal humans, it does not relate to me. You see I am not a normal human. I am in fact the girl who was found under the rock. The anomaly, the mystery, the enigma of a being who never seemed to fit. I tried to talk like everyone else, walk like everyone else and even dress like everyone else. When Matilda got Farah Fawcett hair, I immediately went out and tried to replicate that but instead looked more like Gilda Radnor’s rendition of Roseanne RoseannaDanna.

When Buck excelled in math and science I too tried to understand the Pythagorean theorem but mistakenly understood that it had something to do with Pythons and I’m deathly afraid of snakes.

The whole point of this is to tell you thank you for celebrating my Found Day with me. You see every year on my Found Day I look in the mirror and celebrate the fact that I am. I don’t care that I was found under a rock. With each year I progress and learn to love my Dumbo ears and my Melissa Gilbert overbite.

Each year I age I accept the fact that I’m never going to be Stephen Hawking or Albert Einstein. I instead take the day of my Finding to celebrate me.

So are your ears bleeding yet?

Birthday Salutations

I just had another birthday which caused me to wonder, why exactly do we celebrate birthdays?  Is it because we are amazed we have made it through another year?  Is it because it is the one day of the year that we are allowed to be a total attention hound?  We can parade around with a silly grin on our faces throw ourselves a big party and declare I AM IMPORTANT?  Or is it just another excuse to get rotten stinking drunk, eat cake and throw up?  What ever the reason it really fascinates me how different people celebrate the day.  Are you the get drunk type?  Are you the eat a whole cake all by yourself type?  Or are you the understated lay low and tell no-one type?  Oh come on think about it. 

I have to tell you I have gone through different stages of birthday celebrations.  When I was little I always shared my birthday with Matilda.  Her birthday is a couple of weeks before mine and so I always stood in her shadow and celebrated with her.  I think she was sixteen before she was allowed her own birthday.  Okay, you have to bear with me here because I’m using the term “birthday” loosely here.  It is just too hard to say “found under the rock day”.  When I was thirteen my found under the rock day was on Friday the 13^th.  Now being superstitious and fearful I awoke that morning in pure panic.  I was afraid that the boogeyman, which later became known as Jason or Freddie or Leatherface or Al Gore, okay maybe not Leatherface, would come and spirit me away to the lower bowels of hell and I would be stuck there for eternity. 

Instead I had a wonderful thirteenth birthday complete with surprise cake and a brand new bicycle. 

I thought I would share with you how I spent my birthday this year.  First let me tell you this was one of those landmark Birthdays.  This was one of the BIG ones and by BIG I mean the number is BIG.  No, I’m not going to tell you what the number is but I will tell you when they lit the candles the fire department showed up and Johnny Cash descended from heaven and began singing “Ring of Fire”.   

I am enclosing a copy of an email I sent to my family and friends.

Dear Family and Friends,

Thank you so much for all the wonderful birthday wishes.  I’m sorry I was out of pocket yesterday.  I had 3 on-line classes that I had to get in before they were no longer available.  Ah yes sweet procrastination.  Anyway the other problem I had and still have is I have no voice with which to speak on the telephone.  I know it was my birthday gift to the world.    Gladys quiet it’s like the Christmas miracle.  Maybe it is because I talked so much the first 50 years it’s a sign from GAWD to be quiet the next 50.  NAAW  that will NEVER happen.

I did want to let you know I had a wonderful birthday.  Kahuna took me to the Early Bird Special at Denny’s and we had the Senior Citizen grilled chicken with extra Flax Seed breading, stewed prunes and a big glass of Geritol.  Then he took me to the Senior Citizen Center for a rousing game of Checkers and Rocking Chair races.  I would have won but I fell asleep before the end of the first heat.  Then he took me to Rite Aide and had them fit me with a walker and some Depends.  We had such a late night I was completely wore out and went home and went to bed, at 8 p.m. 

Love you all

Gladys

So how do you celebrate your birthday?

Snow Princesses

Once upon a time there were three little princesses. They were known as Tooter, Gabby and Tadpole. These three princesses were cousins of an unusual kind. They were born respectfully one year apart. Tooter being the oldest became the leader, next came Gabby who was the cohort and lastly came Tadpole.


Each princess had a unique and distinct personality. Princess Tooter was empathetic almost to a fault. She could see another person cry and she would begin to cry. She did this from the time she was a baby. She would get her feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. Then there was Princess Gabby who would put her hands on her hips and declare what wrongs had preeminence in the world. Last but not least was Princess Tadpole who was blessed with the gift of bluntness.

One day Princess Tooter, who was four years old, went to visit Princess Tadpole who was two years old. The two royal beauties retired to Princess Tadpole’s inner chamber in which to play with Barbie dolls and A.G. Bears. They dressed and undressed the overly buxom dolls and listened their bears repeat their words in bear language. They giggled and sniggled. They fought over the pink shoes or the red shoes.

Princess Tadpole’s mother looked at Princess Tooter’s mother and said “My it is awfully quiet in the royal chamber.” Princess Tooter’s mother grimaced and replied “This can’t be good.” The two mothers went quietly to the closed chamber door. They listened to see if they could hear the two princess in play. “Oh my” whispered Tadpole’s mother “do you think they have been given a sleeping potion? I haven’t any spare princes with which to wake them.” Tooter’s mother pressed to ear to the door and said “Nay, I hear voices from within.” Then she turned the knob and opened the chamber door.

It appeared a fairy had visited the chamber as there was a thick fog of Johnson’s Baby Powder from the Costco 55 gallon drum size fairy dust. The mother’s began to look for their babies sorely afraid that they had been turned into toads or pumpkins. They fanned away at the thick layer of Johnson’s baby powder fairy dust. All they could see were four little eyes floating around the room. “Oh NO” they cried! “Our babies have been made invisible by the fairies!” They heard the girls giggle and sneeze and wheeze through the deep smog of Johnson’s Baby Powder fairy dust.

“What have you done to our babies” Tooter’s mother cried out. A voice connected to one set of the eyes replied “Wook we made snow!” That is when the two mother’s closed the door so their offspring would not see them cry laughing.

My dear little Princess Tooter, this is how I still see you. Two big blue eyes looking at me through the thick fog of fairy dust making it snow. Happy Birthday.

Bobsgiving Day

Thursday was Trooper Bob’s birthday. He always gets to enjoy his birthday around Thanksgiving, which means he not only gets to feast on turkey and dressing but gets his cake and eats it too. Truth is he does that anyway.

Yes you guessed it  CAKE WRECKS.

You know how when you are a kid it is always about your birthday but you forget that your parents have birthdays too? Yeah I used to do that too. Then as I got older I realized that my parents had birthdays. I would try and think of something my dad would like for his birthday and purchase something accordingly. Like when I was nine years old and I was convinced my dad would love a tie with a duck on it. Not just any duck, a mallard. Now why I thought my dad would love a duck tie is beyond me other than I could get it at TG& Y for the exact amount of money in my piggy bank. My dad didn’t wear ties except to work as a trooper and then he wore the grey tie that was issued with his grey uniform. I think another birthday I bought him a bunch of pipe cleaners which was actually a better gift because he was a pipe smoker.

I really shouldn’t feel bad because when I was about seven he gave me a shower cap for my birthday. Yes a shower cap. Now granted it was pinky and frilly but a shower cap? For a seven year old? Poor Trooper Bob, he could have saved himself the trouble and brought me home an Archie Comic or an Ann of Avonlea.

This isn’t about me; ok really it is but let’s pretend we are talking about Trooper Bob.

So Trooper Bob was born right around Thanksgiving which until 1941 was on the last Thursday of the month. Good old Franklin Roosevelt decided with the help of Macy’s to move it to the 4th Thursday of the month. Confused? So was the whole ding dong state of Texas and in 1941 they decided to take both the 4th and the last Thursday off. It was deemed Franksgiving, which takes us back to Trooper Bob who is celebrating Bobsgiving.

When Trooper Bob was a little boy he would get to celebrate Bobsgiving with the whole family. His mother, my grandmother, would cook for days. His grandmother would cook for days and all the Aunts and Uncles, cousins and their dogs would all gather and give thanks. Now we all know they were giving thanks for Trooper Bob coming into their family. Who wouldn’t love this cute little buckaroo?

So here I am some 70-something years later once again being thankful for Trooper Bob coming into this world. I mean think about it. If Trooper Bob had never been born then I wouldn’t be here. What a different world that would be without Trooper Bob and well of course Gladys. So join me in celebrating Bobsgiving.

I am going to tell a tale on myself. I was all excited and prepared. I set my phone alarm for EARLY and I popped up as soon as it sounded. I was going to be FIRST. I knew I was going to be first because it was EARLY. I dialed the number and waited for him to answer. “Hi baby!” came Trooper Bob’s voice. Yes he has caller I.D. and he knows how to use it. I cleared my throat and sang in my best soprano Happy Birthday. It got quiet on the other end of the line and then he burst out laughing. “You’re a day late sweetie.” WHAT? A day late huh? “No I’m not” I replied insistently. “My birthday was yesterday” came the reply. “No” I replied slowing my speech making sure he understood. “Today is the 26th” I stated. On the other end of the air waves came a snort then “nope today is the 27th. You’re a day late” he chuckled. “and I dollar short” I finished. So I guess I will have to double check my date next year so I can be FIRST!

I love you Trooper Bob!

Gabby is as Gabby Does

I did not forget. Nope I didn’t. Honest I didn’t. I wrote a tribute a couple of weeks before the big day and then my dog ate it. Really he ate it. Man you should have smelled his gas…pee-ewe!

Then I rewrote it and I put it some where. I don’t know where if I did I would have posted it. Then I turned around and it was two weeks later and kind of embarrassing to admit that it has gone THIS long and I still haven’t posted this. Honestly what do you say? I’m sorry? Ooops? Yeah I know I should have done this before but what with National Bully Awareness week and my dog’s flatulence problems well it kind of slipped past me. This post, not the flatulence.

What the heck am I talking about you ask? Gabby’s Birthday. Oh come on you remember, Gabby. No not the character on Desperate Housewives, my niece. She is my niece, my brother’s only child, the second oldest grandchild and a real cutie. This is her first birthday as a mother. She had Opie last Christmas. He is a real cutie too. He just started to walk. What a great birthday present.

Doesn't Opie have a sunny disposition?

Gabby was born one year after Tooter and one year before Tadpole. She was one of the founding members of the Everyone But Tadpole Club. When the three girls were small they would all sing and dance around to the New Kids on the Block and Debbie Gibson. They would run around the back yard playing in the sprinklers singing and laughing. This is the image I have of her in my mind. In my mind there is no way she could be a mother, a teacher or even old enough to drive a car. I expect her to be blowing out the two candles on her birthday cake. I expect to find her playing with her Barbie Townhouse or driving her Barbie Jeep. I expect to find all three of the cousins to be standing on my mother’s hearth singing “I think we’re alone now….”

Gabby of course is the middle child.  She is the one poking Tadpole in the back.

The reality is she is a grown up woman. She has a child of her own. She is a gorgeous, loving wife and mother. She is a dedicated and experienced teacher. She is a woman of substance. I am proud to know her and even more proud to be her aunt.

Here she is instructing Tadpole how to vacuum

Happy Birthday Gabby. A little late but the sentiments are sincere.

It Happens Every Four Years

I am officially another year older. I know this because I spent the day in the seventh level of hell which I entered through the 9th gate, but I had to wait in line in order to do so. I arrived at hell or better known as the DMV at the appointed time of nine o’clock in the morning. I came prepared. I had my book, my coffee, my I-Pod, my pillow, a tent, some valium and a port-a-potty. The office opens promptly at nine o’clock. The line was all the way around the building.
The parking gods however were with me and I was able to squeeze in between two other cars.

I schlepped my bag of goodies and took my place in line. Looking around I realized I had forgotten to bring a chair or a shopping cart. I made a mental note to put that on my list of things for next time.

As I stood there I really didn’t know if I had everything I needed or if I had brought too much. In line next to me stood a foreign man eating something from a make-shift bar-b-que grill. It looked like a cross between a pita and a tortilla so I assumed he was an immigrant from Latvia. I was wrong. Upon inquiry I learned he was from some place called Nunadamnbidness. I am always excited to meet new people from new places so I promptly questioned him as to what he was cooking and he said it was something called a Gottohell. Well I guess we all have our odd dishes. Yes, I met many friendly people at the 9th gate of hell.

I stood trying to balance my coffee and read my book when from the fringe of the parking lot I heard “my brothers and sisters I want to speak to you of your soul. We stand here today on the cusp of heaven and hell. I am here to save your soul. Believe in him and ye shall be saved!” yelled the street evangelist from the curb. I looked around at my fellow line standers. I yelled back to the pulpiter “too late we are already there!” I didn’t mean to yell this, it just slipped out. My filter fell off and what I was thinking came out of my mouth, yet another sign of old age.
I stood and waited and moved centimeter by centimeter toward the door. (Now I just have to interject that I am horrible at the metric system and wouldn’t know a centimeter from a centipede). We moved not to the light but to the dark. It was plenty light outside and hot. After several hours of standing in the line in the hot sunshine I entered the 9th gate into the 7th level of hell. There in front of me was a large sign that stated “START HERE”. I scooted my way to the counter where I was met by one of Satan’s minions. Two cold dead eyes looked at me from a furrowed brow “do you have an appointment” asked the monotone voice. I swallowed hard and squeaked out “no”. The he croaked out “what are you here for?” I took a deep breath and said “I need to renew my driver’s license.” The zombie-like employee pulled a number from the printer and handed it to me.

I looked at the number then I looked at the sign which stated “We are now happily serving number: A0004”. I looked again at the number in my hand which said “G056”. Gosh I might get seen by the year 3014 if the inside line moves as fast as the outside line.

I waited jockeying for a seat to open so that I would no longer have to juggle my coffee, book, iPod, tent and my newly acquired shopping cart bar-b-que grill. Hey those people from Nunadamnbusiness drive a hard bargain, but I am a pretty good negotiator. I traded the porta-potty and my pillow for it. Oh and he made me throw in my bottle of Valium. I tricked him because it didn’t have Valium in it anymore, only some left over Oxy-contin from my last surgery. I sat down and looked over at the woman next to me. She was holding ticket number A0006. I felt just like Michael Keaton in Beatlejuice only there was no witch doctor sitting next to me holding the next number in line. I looked at the crowd in the waiting room and asked my seat partner “so are you here to get your driver’s license renewed?” She looked at me and rambled something off in a language I not only didn’t recognize but sounded like it might have been Martian. She clicked and clucked and spit and then turned back to giving the woman behind the counter the stink eye. I immediately turned back to my book trying not to be caught in the death rays of the Martian stink eye.
Finally after several hours of checking the screen every 5 seconds; I looked up at the screen and up popped “We are now happily serving G055”. My excitement was barely manageable. I started gathering my belongings and turning the hotdogs on the grill. I was ready to head to the next available clerk. Then the screen changed and it read “We are now happily serving C0010.” WHAT? Wait what happened? We skipped back to C? Why? What fresh hell is this? I looked to my right and the Martian lady was non-plussed. I looked to my left and the 85 year old man was snoring loudly while holding one of my charred hotdogs in his hand. I wanted to protest but to whom? I took a deep breath remembering to place my tongue in the roof of my mouth and draw the air deeply into my lungs just like my cardiologist told me to. I mean honestly I didn’t want to have a heart attack there in the DMV and loose my place in line. I relaxed my shoulders and settled back into my molded plastic chair. I started reading once again about the Tazingy fly, hey it was the only book I could find in my library in the car, and settled into my fate.

Then I heard the Martian lady cluck several times then she clicked and my eyes were drawn to the screen. “We are now happily serving G056” brightened the screen. I jumped up and in my excitement yelled “BINGO!” I lugged my stuff to window number 6 where I was met by yet another DMV Zombie. Now I just have to ask where you think they find all these zombies. Do you think they are zombies when they are hired or do they turn into them after working there for a specified period of time? What does the want ad look like for the position? “You too can be a zombie! Apply at your local DMV TODAY! Be ALL the Zombie you can be.”

Anyway that is how I spent my birthday.

Eighteen at Last!

Today is my nephew, Lughead Larry’s eighteenth birthday. It’s hard for me to believe it’s been a year since I wrote this Happy Belated Birthday Lughead Larry. I am not sure how this happened. The last time I checked he was still a little tike playing trucks in the backyard and wondering around town with a bowl cut on his head. You know what I’m talking about. It looked like someone turned a bowl upside down on his head and cut the hair underneath it. He was so cute. Now he’s handsome and big! So BIG. I used to could wrestle him to the ground and tickle spider him until he screamed for mercy. Now I would not even attempt to tickle him to the ground. He would just stand there and look at me and say “Oh Aunt Gladys!” roll his eyes and mosey off.
The funny thing about Larry is somehow he grew up country in the middle of the city. He likes to fish and hunt instead of skateboard and cruise the boulevard. Wait do kids still cruise? You know where everyone piles in someone’s old Chevy or Pontiac Land Yacht and they drive up and down the main street stopping in the middle of the road to chat with each other holding up traffic and checking out the opposite sex. Do they still do that?
You know what his favorite thing is? It’s not wake boarding or surfing. It’s not snow boarding or sleeping until noon. No, not Lughead Larry. His favorite thing is working. He is the hardest worker I know. He worked so hard he started his own company at 17 and runs the show. He would get permission from his teachers to go check on a job instead of sitting through a history lesson. He talked his way into getting grades for his entrepreneurship.
Yes he is a hard worker but he still takes time to visit his grandparents. He still takes time to hang out (pester) with his mom and dad and aggravate his sisters. He is very much Trooper Bob’s grandson.

So much so they even favor one another.

So to Lughead, Have a very Happy Birthday. Enjoy the eighteenth year of your life because it seems to speed up every following year. Oh and go eat my weight in sushi, heck it’s your birthday eat your weight in sushi.

The Kahuna and I

Today is Kahuna’s birthday. Now I will tell you what he got for his birthday several years ago.
I had just had a really devastating year. The man that I had been involved with turned out to be everything bad I hoped he wasn’t. I moved a million miles away from the home I had made and my family. I lost my life, not that it was a good life but it was comfortable, like an old pair of sneakers. They stink and look like crap but when you need comfortable or routine you put them on and wear them around. I didn’t realize that they made my feet stink and I wouldn’t listen when everyone told me that they didn’t fit and weren’t good for me. No I just kept on wearing them even though they pinched my toes and rubbed blisters on my heels. I was going to make them better, newer, nicer. Then one day the sole got separated and the laces fell apart all at once. I had to admit I was never going to make them better.
I got a new job and a new place to live and tried to make a new life. I was so lonely, hurt, heartbroken and disappointed. I vowed that I would never again date or get involved with a man. I had long talks with my mother, father, brother, sister, brother-in-law, the wall, the rocks the ceiling and my dog, Killer. After one long lament my daddy looked at me and said “Gladys your picker is broke. You need to stop pickin men. When the right one comes along he’ll pick you.”
Then one night at a party an acquaintance grabbed my arm and said he had someone I needed to meet. He dragged me over to the side of the dance floor and there was this man. He was distinguished looking but when he looked at me he really looked at me. We chatted for a few minutes and he listened really listened to what I said. I recognized his name from our client list. I let him guide the conversation and then a co-worker grabbed me and dragged me onto the dance floor. I looked for Kahuna after the song was over but he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t hear from him or see him for a week or so after that. I was alone in the office New Years Eve, everyone had left early. I stayed and worked because honestly I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. The phone rang and it was a familiar voice. We spoke about business then he said “I know this is late notice and I don’t normally go out on New Year Eve; but would you like to go to the movie?” I did not answer him right away. I asked him to call me back in an hour.
I am going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to go. I mean who would after the trouble I had with men. I instead called my sister who was vacationing two thousand miles away. I talked to her and told her the story and asked her what she thought, and then I called my mother and father and asked them what I should do. I asked the kid that worked the take-out window at the In and Out Burger what I should do. Let me just warn you, you really don’t want to hold up that line. When people want an In and Out they do not want to listen to you kvetch about your life. I asked the wall and the door and anybody and anything that would listen. I was scared.
I did what everyone told me to do. Go out with him. They all said that he seemed like a nice guy. They all found him honest, sincere and truthful not like any of my other dates or boyfriends. Okay again some honesty here I thought he wasn’t my type and he wasn’t. I met him at the movie theater. We sat down, the lights went dark and he began to talk. He talked through the whole movie and I thought “Oh no! A movie talker. Strike One.” Then he asked if I would like to get a bite to eat and we talked all through dinner. Then I told him good night and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked some more.
I told him my whole life story that night and you know what he did? He didn’t run away. He didn’t flee rending his clothes and tearing out his hair screaming down the street. He sat there and listened. He really listened. I’m not sure if I told him my situation because I wanted to scare him off or if I just needed to tell my story, but he listened and he asked questions.
We started seeing each other periodically after that. Nothing serious, nothing steady just a date here and there. I always met him wherever we were going. I kept my distance and he respected that. He watched as I struggled with another relationship I had with a mutual friend. He never said anything. One evening over sushi he asked me if I was interested in this other guy and I couldn’t really say I was; but I knew the man was wrong for me. He was just like the man I had left and deep down I knew it wasn’t a good match but I thought I could fix him. Kahuna looked me in the eye and said “you know he’s not right for you. I am.” That is when I knew he was serious about me.
That is when we started dating in earnest. Then he invited me to go to Hawaii. It was the first part of September and I had a long weekend coming up not to mention I had been working seventy hours a week so I had a little comp time coming. I packed my bag and headed to the airport. We started to board and they ushered us to first class. I thought that Kahuna was really pulling out all the stops. Then we arrived in Hawaii and it was the most beautiful, romantic place I had ever been. Then he took me out in the crystal clear pacific swell and put me on a surf board. He patiently and lovingly shared his passion with me. I was truly in paradise.
We woke the morning of his birthday and grabbed some fresh pineapple and shaved coconut. We drove up to Pali Lookout where 30 years ago he and a group of his friends ventured. I didn’t realize that it was going to be so windy on the lookout and had chosen a big circular skirt for the excursion. So here I stood looking out over the windward side of the island holding on to my skirt when I feel as if I am being watched. I look up to see a Japanese tour bus unload and stand on the ledge above Kahuna and I. They were laughing and pointing. I turned back to Kahuna who stood ring in hand and he said “I promise that I will never ever cause you pain. I promise I will never break your heart and I will never hurt you. Please promise you will be my wife.” I stood there frozen. I felt the tears well and my heart beat loudly. The crowd was taking pictures but I couldn’t let go of my skirt or it would blow over my head. My head was filled with all kinds of thoughts, fears and trepidations but I heard my daddy in my head saying “Gladys your picker’s broke. You let them choose you.” I said the only thing I could say, yes.
I guess you could say that I was Kahuna’s birthday present that year. I think it’s better said that he is my birthday present for the rest of my life.

Twenty-Nine and Holding

Today is my sister’s, Matilda, birthday. She is twenty-nine. I know she is twenty-nine because in a couple of weeks I will be twenty-six for the 23 time. But this isn’t about me it’s about her and her 23rd twenty-ninth birthday. The reason I say it isn’t about me is because well, bless her heart, she would have to share her birthday with me.
When we were little because our birthdays were within thirty days of each other our mother would make one cake and invite all of my sister’s friends over then tell me it was a party for me too. Yeah I didn’t have friends. Well except for the invisible kind. So poor Matilda would be forced to share her cake with me. She was forced to let me help her blow out the candles and she was forced to even let me open some of her presents. She always got the best presents too. Straw Hat perfume and Bonnie Bell lip gloss in pale pink. She even one year got this great black stationary that you wrote on in white ink. I was so jealous. I wanted to write my invisible friends on black paper with white ink. Matilda gave me some invisible paper and invisible ink and told me to go to town. I digress.
Matilda would whine and cry and lament about how unfair it was for her to have to share her birthday. I didn’t mind a bit though. I mean think about it. I got cake. I got to play with the big girls and I had instant friends. Oh wait this was supposed to be about Matilda. Let’s see, Matilda got a little sister who tagged along, interrupted her conversations, horned in on her pin the tail on the donkey and got to open her That Girl Paper Doll Book. Wow, Matilda no wonder you hate my guts.
Remember that? When you would get mad at me and say “I hate your guts!” Did that mean the rest of me was okay it was just the innards you couldn’t stand? Or when you tell me, your little sister, that you never wanted to see her again and wished she had never been found under that rock. Then you rode off on your cool purple stingray bicycle with the hand brake. You were so smug and pompous on that bike that you thought you could outrun your brother’s car? Then you promptly ran into the back of your brother’s Corvair and skinned your knee and almost broke your neck? Yeah I don’t remember that either.
Do you remember the time when you were older and we were going out for the evening but Buck was expected in from college? It was you not your pesky little sister who came up with the bright idea to hide the key under the mat and put a note on the door telling Buck where to find the key. Well we all knew no one else would read that note, after all it was addressed to Buck. Nope I don’t remember that either. I also don’t remember the time that you, not your pestering little whelp of a sister who was found under a rock, reasoned that you would get a better tan on the mountain in Colorado because you were closer to the sun. Nope I don’t remember that either.
I do remember you bringing me candy when I was sick. I remember you hurrying home to check on me when I got hit by a car. I remember you rescuing me from a horrible and indefinable relationship. I remember you scratching my back when I had a nightmare and couldn’t fall back to sleep. I remember the sacrifice you made to tend to our ailing mother. I remember the love and care you gave her when she was dying. Those are the things I remember.
Oh and I remember that today is your twenty-ninth birthday. I don’t really remember if it’s the first time or the thirty first time.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MATILDA!

They Say It's Your Birthday

Have you ever met someone that the minute you met them you knew you liked them? You meet them and it is like you have known them forever. You feel a kinship, a familiarity and a comfort level with them. Kahuna and I had been dating for several months. I guess you could say we were cautious with our relationship. He and I both kept our relationship to ourselves. We did not share it with our families we were more just trying each other on for size. He would call me at work and invite me for a drink or a movie.

One evening he called and asked me to dinner. I had worked late and agreed to meet him at a local restaurant. We were making our way to our table when Kahuna started laughing and said “hey what are you guys doing here?” There walking in our direction was a tall slender young man, dark hair, dark eyes and a smile on his face. The two men began chatting excitedly then Kahuna turned to me and said “This is my son, Techman.” I looked up in this young man’s eyes and I felt a warmth rush through my heart. All he said was “nice to meet you” but I knew we would be friends. That is how I met my future son.

I have to tell you that our subsequent meetings were not quite so sedate. You see he is much like his father in that he loves to debate and discuss things. My first dinner at Kahuna’s home Techman and I spent hours debating the whole creationism versus evolution topic. What could have been a volatile conversation turned into an interesting and informative revelation. Techman has a way in which he without trying he puts people at ease. He doesn’t work at it, it’s just his personality. We spent many hours around the table testing each other’s theories, beliefs and ideals. His discussions are always informed, interesting and peppered with his quick wit. He is the master at turning a potential explosion of difference into an expulsion of laughter.
Techman is also an adventurer. He loves to experience and do. He is not one to sit. He is going to go out and touch, feel and smell everything. His friends call him the Cruise Director because he is always planning, arranging and directing trips for the group. It might be a weeklong trip to Cabo San Lucas for scuba diving, pool hopping and clubbing or a Snowboarding trip in Canada. He is the one who puts it together, organizes the events and then is the entertainment.
I have written before about his talents and his abilities in my story about his Tea Fire pictures. Go on over to his flicker page and check out his second love, his first being Lizzy Doodles of course. Mostly though I just wanted to share a bit of my son with you. He is my son, though I did not birth him, he is my son and I knew it when I first met him. Happy birthday son.

Lulu, Too Legit To Quit

It’s Lulu’s birthday today. Who is Lulu? She is the youngest of our children. She is the baby, the last of the brood. She is the quiet, contemplative one. She is the first of Kahuna’s children I ever met and it was quite by accident. She is also the one that I am the most fiercely protective over. She is the one that I seem to identify with the most. Maybe it is because we are both the babies of our families or maybe it’s because we both have a thing about baking or it could be our love of shoes I am not really sure. I just know that there is something about her that draws me in. She doesn’t know this and please don’t tell her but she pretty much can walk all over me and get her way with very little protest.

What I didn’t know about Lulu, because she is so quiet, is that she is hilarious. She has a great sense of humor and a wit that is not only quick but posesses an apt perception of events that translates into hilarious repartee. I do have to tell you that of the birthday’s with which I have been privileged to share with her, none of them have been dull. You can read about her last birthday at my post called “Sisters”. What I haven’t told you about was her 18th birthday some years ago. Yes I was very eventful taking about 15 people to the river, renting pontoon boats and trying to keep them out of the bars and casinos. We won’t even talk about the unfortunate event that happened on the freeway on the way home. We won’t mention the fact that somehow or another the vehicle she was driving got thrown into reverse at seventy-miles per hour. Oh wait I just mentioned it didn’t I?
I do want Lulu to know how much I appreciate her. I want her to know that we may have differences in the way we do things and we may have differences of opinions but all of that is what makes a good relationship. It gives all of us a good balance. I want her to know what a strong, brave and independent woman she has become and how very proud I am of her. I am proud of her scholastic ability and the way in which she handles herself and those around her. I am awed and proud of her ability to assess a situation and call it for what it is. I am impressed with her compassion and caring.
All in all I just want her to know how much I love her. Oh I know I didn’t birth you. I know I wasn’t there when you learned to walk or spoke you first words but that doesn’t change the way my heart feels for you. It doesn’t change the pride, love and warmth I feel for you.
My birthday wish for you my sweet child is that it is the first of many happy, healthy and fun filled for you’re in your now legal, legitimately adult life. Now go have a good time and please this year don’t end up in the pokey.

Buck's Birthday Bonanza

This is not Buck and Pie but it is Trooper Bob and Buck. Like Father...

Yesterday my brother and his wife celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary. Today is his birthday. Yes in 1976 for his birthday he got married, well the day before. You see my brother, Buck, is celebrating his birthday today. I think the reason he got married on the day before his birthday is so he would never forget his anniversary, thus, remaining alive another year.

Doesn't he look sweet? The dog not my brother.

I have talked about Buck before in Waterboarding Buck’s Way and several other post like Found Under A Rock. I must tell you though not only was he a pest he also was a teacher, tutor and an inspiration. He has always had an inquisitive mind. One year for Christmas my sister and I received Chatty Cathy dolls from Santa. We will call Matilda’s doll Chatty and Gladys’ doll Cathy for the purposes of this story. A couple of months later after listening to Chatty and Cathy say “I Love You Mommy” and “Satan is in your heart” oh wait that was my Linda Blair doll. Anyway curiosity got the best of Buck and he with fingernail file and screw driver in hand dismantled Chatty right there in the back yard. He took apart the pieces and the parts and examined each and every one. He laid them all out in our little red wagon that sometimes doubled for a diving board into our blow up swimming pool. He inspected each transistor and connector then he put it back together piece by piece. Only when he finished putting Chatty back to rights he had a couple of extra parts. He just chalked it up to the fact that we as humans have parts that we don’t use and so did Chatty.

Matilda went in search of her beloved Chatty only to find her still on the operating table. She grabbed her up and cradled her to her and pulled the little cord located on Chatty’s neck. She waited to hear the familiar “I love you mommy”. The cord released and began to suck back into its coil at light speed and as it did she heard “ijom;elrj;oiugoajekrlekuoiuolmlje” from the speaker located in Chatty’s chest. She shook her then pulled the cord again. Once more came the foreign sound of “poiuqelkjr;lekjaoiufogughl”.

Smoke came pouring from Matilda’s ears, her eyes squinted and she began to look for the culprit. She stomped through the gate and into the cul-de-sac looking for the Joseph Mengela of the doll world. She spotted him on his blue Schwin bicycle chatting up his latest crush. He was impressing her with his knowledge of astronomy and science when he heard the scream. He looked up in time to see his little sister coming his way. He bid a hasty ado to his admirer and tried to ride away. Matilda was having none of it. She stopped him cold. She stared him down and asked “what did you do to Chatty?” He looked his angry sister in the eye and said defiantly “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She shoved Chatty into his face pulled the string and out came “Mmeopiema;uoukj;ehh” He looked at his sister and said “I don’t know what your talking about. What happened to your doll?” Matilda inspected her brother’s face and she said “you’re lying and I know your lying. Your nose is spreading. It always spreads when you lie.” Buck took the doll from his sister and said “I can fix this. Let’s go to the backyard.”

My two siblings retreated to the backyard. Buck rummaged through a small pile of toys until he found just the right thing. He then undressed Matilda’s Chatty then redressed her with another outfit. He then dressed Gladys’ Cathy doll with Chatty’s dress. He pulled the string on Cathy and she said “I love you Mommy”. He looked at Matilda and said “Here you go. Good as new.” Then he replaced Gladys doll into the pile with the possessed Chatty.

Happy Birthday Buck. I hope you’ve gotten better at fixing things.

Auntie V, Auntie V!

Remember I told you yesterday that my Nanny would be 99 this week if she were still alive? Well the day after her birthday is my Auntie V’s birthday. She is beautiful and wonderful and the sweetest person I have ever met. She is in her early stages of octogenarism and does not act nor does she look like it.

I can not begin to tell you what a wonderful role model this woman has been to me. You see I tend to prattle on, no really I do, anyway she would sit for hours on the front porch and listen to my tales. She would even encourage me and she still does to tell my stories and write my life. She and I would sit in the porch swing and she would listen to me spout my view on how life on the ranch was moving along. She would nod and smile and listen. No she would really listen. She would listen and ask me questions and applaud me when I used new words in the correct context. She encouraged me to nurture my imagination as she did hundreds of other children as their teacher.
She is the mother of my multi-talented and imaginative quirky cousins. She grew up the sister to Trooper Bob, bless her heart. Trooper Bob loves his sister fiercely and truly. He also loves to aggravate her. Now you might think that this duo would outgrow this childish behavior of little brother teasing older sister but it has not.

What you ask am I talking about? Well I will start with a story from their childhood.

May and Jack loaded their teenaged daughter, Vee, and their pre-teen son, Bob, into their 1938 Ford Sedan. They set out on their journey to see May’s family down in Bandera County. They had not been on the road long before Bob began pestering his sister.

He would poke her and pinch her and then turn on his innocent face as soon as his sister protested. Finally when he had her at her wit’s end he saw the perfect opportunity. “Hey Vee, look there is a Piggly Wiggly grocery store.” She looked at where his finger was pointing and said in her best teenage girl put down “so?” Bob shrugged and said “nothing, just thought you’d like to see it.” Vee crossed her arms and went back to starring out the window at the blur of fence post and barns. “Hey Vee,” Bob said “you know what?” She sighed turned and looked at her little brother and said “what?” Bob grinned his big ear to ear grin knowing he had the fish on the hook “did you know Piggly Wiggly had a sister?” Vee squinted her eyes and said “no he didn’t. You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Bob continued to grin and said “yeah he did. I swear. I know a girl who knows another girl whose dad knows the owner.” Vee looked at her little brother trying to gauge his sincerity and said “oh is that so? Well just who is Piggly Wiggly’s sister?” Bob reeled in his catch “her name is Hoggly Woggly.” This caused Bob to fall into hysterical laughter and Vee to roll her eyes and cry “Mother! Make him STOP!”

Now fast forward sixty something years. Trooper Bob, Nurse Meme and Vee decided to make a cross country trek in the motor home. They left their little city in the middle of west Texas and drove to Canada. They are traveling along and what do you think Bob asks Vee? She didn’t fall for it this time. So Bob waited until the time was right. He waited until he had the wiser Vee at a disadvantage. She was asleep on the fold out couch which had an air mattress. She was sleeping soundly and Trooper Bob sneaked out of his sleeping quarters and up to her bed. He flipped the valve open on her mattress and deflated her mattress with her still on it. Years had past since Vee and Bob’s mother had passed but she knew she still had an ally and so Vee yelled “Meme, make him STOP!”

She takes all of this teasing a pestering with grace. She moves through the world with a peace and a wisdom that I can only hope to achieve. So my dearest darling Auntie Vee I hope you had a wonderful day. I hope your eighty first year in this world will be full of fun and adventure and most of all I hope it is pester free from that pesky little brother.
I also must add I aspire to your heights of self awareness and peace.