Monday, November 30, 2009

Just the Facts 12-1-09

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 11-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

First I would like to take this time to review some National Police Blotters. 
From the Washington Post:
By Amy Argetsinger and Roxanne Roberts

Washington Post Staff Writers
Thursday, November 26, 2009

A couple of aspiring reality-TV stars from Northern Virginia appear to have crashed the White House's state dinner Tuesday night, penetrating layers of security with no invitation to mingle with the likes of Vice President Biden and White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel.
Have you ever watched any of the REAL HOUSEWIVES shows on Bravo?  Yeah those women have 10 inch nails and silicon chest armor.  They can kick your ass.  That is why no one challenged them, they were afraid of the fake cheerleader and her boy wonderless.

Next is a blurb from south Florida:
Orlando Sentinel:
By Walter Pacheco, Orlando Sentinel
November 30, 2009

Tiger Woods pulls out of event; FHP says his blood still an 'option'

Florida Highway Patrol investigators have not requested a sample of Tiger Woods' blood from Health Central, but the golf star's medical records could become part of FHP's investigation into Woods'...

I will let Wanda Sykes give my response.

One of my friend's husband said that it was the worst Drive that Tiger ever made.

Monday 11/23/2009

12:09 a.m. An assault resulted in an ankle injury on Airport Road.

Come back here I’ll bite your ankles!

10:10 a.m. A white sedan drove down Highway 93 with a deer head sticking out the back. Authorities found that it had been killed legally before being crammed in the trunk.
Was it legally crammed in the trunk?

11:31 a.m. Someone broke into a Shady Lane home and stole all of the reporting party’s medication.
Um, I had a little cough, and you had the good stuff.

14:21 p.m. Someone attempted to back their car over someone else in Happy Valley.
Someone wasn’t very happy in Happy Valley.
9:31 p.m. Friends of a man in Kila were alarmed to see numerous injuries on his person. The man was not suicidal but had in fact been participating in UFC fighting.

Did he look like Edward Norton or Brad Pitt?
11:52 p.m. One man threatened another in Columbia Falls, evidently over some sort of romantic woe.

Fight! Fight!

Tuesday 11/24/2009

8:49 a.m. An unlocked vehicle was stolen from North Riding Road. The vehicle later mysteriously reappeared.
Maybe they were just borrowing it.
9:52 a.m. A grinder was stolen from a tire shop on Highway 2 East. The victim suspects a former employee.
Maybe he had an axe to grind.
4:44 p.m. Suspicious bones were found near a Columbia Falls tourist attraction. The origin of the remains has yet to be identified.

Were they dinosour bones?
8:47 p.m. An alleged case of domestic violence turned out to be two drunken buddies trying to emulate UFC fighting in their living room. The supposed “victim” also had injuries from a previous bike accident. One party was taken to jail for probation violation.
Was he on probation for fighting?
Wednesday 11/25/2009

8:03 p.m. A car that was stolen two days ago was found abandoned on Braig Road. The vehicle had been driven through a ditch and parked on top of a fence.
Gosh I hate it when my car gets stolen by a bad driver!

10:36 p.m. A middle-aged man in shorts and socks showed up at a home in Bigfork claiming that he was “the one who helps girls.” He soon realized that he was at the wrong house.
Was it Roman Polanski?
11:22 p.m. Three or four kids, several wearing blanket capes, were rifling through cars on Stag Lane. The vehicles turned out to be their own.
Holy Caped Crusader. Couldn’t they tell it was the Batmobile?

3:40 a.m. A woman in Lakeside called to report that a prowler had been outside her house for about an hour. Authorities couldn’t find any footprints but did notice that tree branches had blown onto the deck.

It was Super Bigfoot in the Bigfootmobile.

Now for the Joe Friday quote of the week:

Captain James E. Hamilton, Intelligence: Shotgun, extreme close range, double-O. Starkey was hit four times, first two cut him in half.

Sgt. Joe Friday: The second two turned him into a crowd.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bobsgiving Day

Thursday was Trooper Bob’s birthday. He always gets to enjoy his birthday around Thanksgiving, which means he not only gets to feast on turkey and dressing but gets his cake and eats it too. Truth is he does that anyway.

Yes you guessed it  CAKE WRECKS.

You know how when you are a kid it is always about your birthday but you forget that your parents have birthdays too? Yeah I used to do that too. Then as I got older I realized that my parents had birthdays. I would try and think of something my dad would like for his birthday and purchase something accordingly. Like when I was nine years old and I was convinced my dad would love a tie with a duck on it. Not just any duck, a mallard. Now why I thought my dad would love a duck tie is beyond me other than I could get it at TG& Y for the exact amount of money in my piggy bank. My dad didn’t wear ties except to work as a trooper and then he wore the grey tie that was issued with his grey uniform. I think another birthday I bought him a bunch of pipe cleaners which was actually a better gift because he was a pipe smoker.

I really shouldn’t feel bad because when I was about seven he gave me a shower cap for my birthday. Yes a shower cap. Now granted it was pinky and frilly but a shower cap? For a seven year old? Poor Trooper Bob, he could have saved himself the trouble and brought me home an Archie Comic or an Ann of Avonlea.

This isn’t about me; ok really it is but let’s pretend we are talking about Trooper Bob.

So Trooper Bob was born right around Thanksgiving which until 1941 was on the last Thursday of the month. Good old Franklin Roosevelt decided with the help of Macy’s to move it to the 4th Thursday of the month. Confused? So was the whole ding dong state of Texas and in 1941 they decided to take both the 4th and the last Thursday off. It was deemed Franksgiving, which takes us back to Trooper Bob who is celebrating Bobsgiving.

When Trooper Bob was a little boy he would get to celebrate Bobsgiving with the whole family. His mother, my grandmother, would cook for days. His grandmother would cook for days and all the Aunts and Uncles, cousins and their dogs would all gather and give thanks. Now we all know they were giving thanks for Trooper Bob coming into their family. Who wouldn’t love this cute little buckaroo?

So here I am some 70-something years later once again being thankful for Trooper Bob coming into this world. I mean think about it. If Trooper Bob had never been born then I wouldn’t be here. What a different world that would be without Trooper Bob and well of course Gladys. So join me in celebrating Bobsgiving.

I am going to tell a tale on myself. I was all excited and prepared. I set my phone alarm for EARLY and I popped up as soon as it sounded. I was going to be FIRST. I knew I was going to be first because it was EARLY. I dialed the number and waited for him to answer. “Hi baby!” came Trooper Bob’s voice. Yes he has caller I.D. and he knows how to use it. I cleared my throat and sang in my best soprano Happy Birthday. It got quiet on the other end of the line and then he burst out laughing. “You’re a day late sweetie.” WHAT? A day late huh? “No I’m not” I replied insistently. “My birthday was yesterday” came the reply. “No” I replied slowing my speech making sure he understood. “Today is the 26th” I stated. On the other end of the air waves came a snort then “nope today is the 27th. You’re a day late” he chuckled. “and I dollar short” I finished. So I guess I will have to double check my date next year so I can be FIRST!

I love you Trooper Bob!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Unfeast Feast

In the spirit of Thanksgiving I am not going to talk about undercooked turkey or how to eat a whole pecan pie by yourself. Remember my story last year? No? Well go here and read it. A Pilgrams Feast

My story today is about the unfeast feast. You see I believe holidays put way too much pressure on families to spend time with one another. What if your family doesn’t like you? What if you don’t care for your father-in-law or your sister-in-law is rude? I ask you should you have to spend a holiday, a day of thanks with people who are less than thankful? Isn’t it about being with people you love and who love you? Isn’t it about being thankful for your blessings? Yes, that is what I believe.

Gladys had been preparing or helping prepare traditional Thanksgiving dinners since she was old enough to walk. She would be given the task of cutting up the fruit for the fruit salad or cooking the corn bread and shredding the stale bread for stuffing. She would stand on a stool and chop up the onions or pecans. She did which ever job she was given and she loved it. She enjoyed preparing a special feast for a special day. Gladys, Matilda and Nurse Meme would often prepare days in advance so that they could eat dinner before Nurse Meme’s shift. It was always quite the spread with turkey and dressing, gravy, sweet potato casserole, broccoli casserole, asparagus casserole, mashed potatoes, green salad, fruit salad and of course pies. There would be Nanny’s chocolate pie for Buck, minced meat for Trooper Bob, pumpkin for Gladys and pecan for Matilda. It was more food than a family of five could eat in a month but somehow they managed.

That is how Gladys was brought up and how she was trained. When she was grown with a family of her own she believed that in order to enjoy Thanksgiving she must cook like a crazy woman for a week before the big day, then she should run around town getting all kinds of special gourds and candles to make the table just so. She should find sparkling cider for the wine glasses and bring out the best china on which to serve her special feast. She did this year after year for her little family. She cooked and baked and broiled and glazed. She shopped and fought for just the perfect bird. She visited vegetable markets and specialty groceries to find fresh cranberries and the sweetest oranges. Every year she would proudly present to her little family the fruits of her labor. Every year she expected to be ooohed and awed and edified on her abilities as a cook.

Unfortunately Gladys mate was not the edifying kind. Instead he would cut into the oh so moist turkey and declare “not enough sage” or dip into the potatoes and gruff “too creamy”. He even one time told her that her homemade rolls were not fluffy enough. Gladys felt a little deflated and hurt. She had poured her heart and soul into her meals only to be met with criticism and scorn. She wondered where the spirit of being thankful had gone. She stored this in the back of her mind and went about the next year improving her skills and gathering new recipes. She tried to figure out what it could be maybe it was the stove, maybe it was her spices. She worked on improving her dough to make her rolls light and fluffy, her pie crust flakey and her turkey juicier.

The next Thanksgiving rolled around and once again she laid out her feast. The turkey was golden and glistening, the rolls were steaming and flakey slathered in whipped honey butter, the sweet potatoes were creamy but not too creamy, the dressing was moist and tasty. Once again she stood proud of her fare only to be met with statements such as “the turkey isn’t seasoned enough” or “these rolls aren’t like my grandma made, hers were much better”. Gladys hung her head and picked at her plate. What could she have done wrong she wondered. Again she filed these critiques in the back of her mind. She cleaned the kitchen wiped down the table and realized she had done all of the work. She had shopped, she had cooked, she had decorated and she had cleaned. What did she have to be thankful for?

The next Thanksgiving rolled around and this time Gladys did not shop, she did not bake and she did not decorate. She instead got her book, turned on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and sat and drank a cup of coffee. Her little family sat stunned. When lunch time came around they all looked to Gladys to once again lay out the holiday feast, instead Gladys got up off the couch and made herself a peanut butter and banana sandwich and a glass of milk and returned to the couch and her book.

There was crying of outrage. There was protest of hunger. There were outburst of anger and demands of turkey. Gladys looked at the ungrateful little family and said “I am thankful that I have this day off from work. I am thankful that I have food to eat. I am thankful that I am capable of preparing it for myself and I am thankful you all know how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and if you want to eat I suggest you be thankful for that too. I have cooked and slaved and prepared and baked every year and every year I have heard criticism and complaints. Since my food is so horrible and the fact that there is always so much has been offensive to you I decided this year I wouldn’t inflict my cooking on you.”

The family stood with mouths agape. What kind of thanksgiving feast was this they cried? Gladys smiled and said “it is the unfeast feast. It is a true day of thanksgiving and not a day of complaints. Now I suggest you go find something to for which to be thankful.”

So remember to kiss the cook, be thankful for the roof over your head and the extra effort people take to be nice to one another on this day. Remember to find something good in everyone and if you can’t then stay home and eat peanut butter and banana sandwiches.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Just The Facts For the Week of 11-24-09

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 11-24-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 11/17/2009
7:43 a.m. A music player, a purse and an adult tricycle were taken from a vehicle in Columbia Falls.
Sounds like Tyrone was there.  Oh come on remember Tyrone on Laugh-In?  Yes Him!

5:18 p.m. Someone in Columbia Falls heard a dog barking, a gun shot, and then silence. Authorities arrived to find that the dog was still alive and unharmed.
Did they check on the dog’s owner?

I found this pic over at

1:21 a.m. Somewhere in the Flathead Valley, someone broke into a pop machine.
Now see I picture some obscure super hero called Sodapopman stopping what he is doing and saying “somewhere, someone just broke into a pop machine, I must fly!”

Wednesday 11/18/2009

10:13 a.m. Two very intoxicated men staggered down Highway 93 in Evergreen.
Which is better than two very intoxicated men DRIVING down Highway 93.

11:09 a.m. A female party is allegedly stalking a man on Walker Creek Lane. She has sent him 619 emails within the past two years.

Honey, give it up. He is just not that into you.

2:51 p.m. A resident of Martin Camp Road reports a cat problem in the area. The exact nature of the complaint is unknown.

What does this mean? What kind of cat problem? Is it a cat gang? Are they being cat delinquints?

12:49 a.m. A Whitefish woman called to report that her husband was missing. Authorities found that he was not missing, but that she was actually extremely drunk.
Just some of that drunk wishful thinking.

Thursday 11/19/2009

12:21 p.m. A frustrated customer at a local bank insinuated that he would harm himself upon leaving. Authorities found that he had no real intention of doing so.

Wow he must have really wanted that toaster.
(They used to give toasters away at the bank for incentives.  Does this make me old that I remember getting a toaster?)
1:52 p.m. Someone in Kila reports that a neighbor has been stealing their power.
I bet it was Sodapopman and the neighbor had organic all natural juice which everyone knows is Sodapopman’s kryptonite.

Friday 11/20/2009

12:25 p.m. A miniature horse was seen tied to a lawn mower on McMannamy Draw. Apart from its unusual tether, the horse was completely fine.

Thanks Steve Stencil for this wonderful example of
Redneck mowers
Wow I guess he couldn’t afford to get the mower engine fixed.  Or his neighbor with the riding lawn mower was busy.
4:30 p.m. In Columbia Falls, a dog entered a neighbor’s yard and ate the neighbor’s dog food.

5:09 p.m. An employee at a local casino called to report that she had a “gut feeling” about five male subjects at the business. The men left before authorities arrived.

I bet it was Danny Ocean and the crew.

6:13 p.m. A man and a woman engaged in a screaming match over the household bills.
People, people, how many times do I have to tell you. Do not yell at each other…Yell at the credit card companies they are the ones to blame!
8:21 p.m. A highly intoxicated woman called from a location on Highway 93 South to report that she was in the midst of a disturbance with a very drunk man. The woman, claiming that she “just wants a life,” was taken to jail after using a baseball bat for violent means.
She was confused she Wanted a Life; not she wanted Life In Prison!
9:21 p.m. Someone on Cougar Trail became greatly distressed when her boyfriend broke up with her via email. Authorities checked into her welfare.
What they aren’t tell you is she was a Cougar and…she has sent him 612 emails.
3:07 a.m. In Coram, a vehicle collided with an elk. Although the driver was fine, the elk was taken to the food bank.
Hum, the Elk must have been hungry.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
FRIDAY: "Paul, I can't speak for the Department but I'll say this: We want help; we welcome help; we're getting help, from legitimate groups and responsible citizens. Now that doesn't include people who yell 'Spy!' every time they hear an accent; or who look under the bed at night for a seditionist; it doesn't include racists--white or black--and it lets out people who think legitimate protest is unconstitutional or that change is treason. It excludes nuts on either fringe, Paul--the guy who sees an anarchist in every kid with long hair. It excludes the Fielder Militia. Patriotism? That militia of yours has got a corner on the market! Civil rights? They got 'em all! Protesters? Shoot 'em all down! That may be your philosophy, Paul, but it's not mine, and I don't think it's the Department's either. We work it a little different in this country."

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Wuv Tru Wuv Will Fowwow You Foweva

Gladys had been lonely for so long. Her arms felt empty and her heart hurt. Her companion of 12 years had left her to live with someone else. She was heart broken but really she only had herself to blame. She had become a work-a-holic. She didn’t have enough time for him. He was often left home alone, it was only natural another woman would take him away from her.

Then one day the news came. She couldn’t believe her ears. She learned of his sudden and horrible death. She was inconsolable. She was ravaged by guilt and the empty pit of loss. She mourned for him. She grieved him. She would often dream of him. She could feel his breath on her face. She would smell his musky scent and turn expecting to see him coming in the door. He wasn’t there and he wasn’t coming back. She knew she must move on. She must live her life without him.

Time went on and Gladys did move on. She saw others but none of them compared. She had even contemplated having one of them move in with her but it just didn’t feel right. She spent hours on the internet searching for just the right one. She would think one would be right only to find out they had misconstrued the truth, they were older or not at all what they had stated. She had all but given up and then she saw him. She had never seen him before but something in her stirred. Her heart beat fast and her breath came a little quicker. She moved toward him. He was sitting with his buddies when he looked up and saw her. He too stood. They saw each other and it was if a curtain had been lifted. The next thing Gladys knew she was holding him in her arms. She was breathless. She was enraptured with his face, the feel of his hair. He nuzzled his nose into her neck.  She could barely get the words out of her mouth as she breathed into his ear “I love you.” He turned his face to hers and his dark brown eyes said it all. He didn’t have to say it; she could just tell the feeling was mutual.

Gladys heard Kahuna’s voice from behind her say “we are taking him home with us aren’t we?” Kahuna knew it was love at first sight and he was helpless to stop it. Now I want you all to meet Bozley my new love.

Bozley was rescued from the animal shelter the day he was to be euthanized. 
I apologize for the quality of the picture and will get some better ones as soon as he gets
aclimated.  He is an apricot toy poodle.  He is at this minute curled up next to our Lab and Boxer sleeping with a full belly and his very own blankie.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Gladys has Doggie Random Thoughts

I know I know it is Saturday and I’m late for Mrs. 4444’s Friday Fragments. I got distracted getting my hair did by the Hair Whisperer, Lola of the Cabana. Go on go over read her fragments, Mrs. 4’s not Lola and link yours and have a big old fragmented party. Then I want you to go on over to Ann Again and Again for your weekly Virtual Girls Night Out. Have a drink, even if it’s just water, read some stories and partake in her game. Also link your Friday to her Friday. *********************************************

I went to several pet adoption events last week. I wanted to take each and everyone of those little doggies home with me. Do you think they would call me the crazy dog lady who lives at the end of the lane?


I had to go to the Squal*marts this week. Yes it is always an adventure arriving on the planet Squal*Mart. It has even become one of the hottest blogs out there The People of Wal*Mart. While I saw my share of interesting species I have to admit that next time I taking my camera with me on my Squal*Mart safari.


I was at Ross Dress for Less, or as I call it Cheap Stuff Scattered Everywhere Store, looking for a suitcase for Lulu to carry around Europe. Yeah she’s going to Europe for Christmas. Yes I’m pea green with jell-ass-ee. Anyway I had finally made my way to the front of the line when an older woman cut in front of me with her cart. She turned and said “Cut-sies.” Now I had waited in this ding dang line for 35 minutes and this chick was trying to cut? I pulled myself up to my full 5’1” ninety-eight pound self and said “over my dead body!” She winked and laughed and said “just trying to insight a riot.” Then she pushed her cart over to the giant pile of bath salts. Thank God because I thought I was going to have to kick her ass right then and there.

This Picture is from Magnificent Bastard's Website
Which proves he is Magnificent!


My overheard of the week was at the pet adoption.

Pet Volunteer: I can’t adopt a cat to you.

Crazy Lady: Why not?

Pet Volunteer: Because you are a freeze-dried – whackaloon.

Crazy Lady: So? Even freeze-dried-whackaloon’s need pets.


Otin hosts his Happy Hour Friday over at the Wizard of Otin. Hopefully I’m not too late for that too. Honestly I’m never late, not like Matilda who will be late for her own funeral. Hey wait maybe that is the one time it’s not a bad thing.

Here are a few things that make me happy.

Snowy Christmases


Having this Guy call me and tell me stories
And the last thing I don't have a picture of but it's you guys.  It's getting comments and e-mails from people I have never met.  Thank you so much for reading my random and often rambling thoughts and stories.  I luv ya man!

Now go out there and be good to one another and remember thoughts become things, think good ones.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Matilda Come Lately

It is Thursday which means it is Meatloaf day. No that’s not it. Thursday is turkey casserole. Nope that isn’t it either. Is it Taco Thursday? Is it Thirsty Thursday? Nope, it is once again time for Themed Thursday.  This Thursday the theme is Late. Hmm, there are so many ways I could take this. I mean LATE! What does that bring to mind for you? Well hold on because I will take you on a ride through my mind and I won’t make you late.  Then go on over to Theme Thursday and read what other's have linked.

There she sat on the side of the sink. A mascara wand in one hand and a safety pin in the other. “Come on Matilda! We are going to be late. You know what happens when we are late” Gladys whined. Matilda separated one spidery eyelash from another and applied yet another coat of mascara to her lashes. “Shut up Gladys. I will be ready when I’m ready. Go tell Buck that I’m almost done.” Gladys rolled her eyes put her hands on her hips and said “he ain’t gonna be happy” then turned and stomped out of the bathroom. Matilda continued her precise partitioning knowing her little sister would do her bidding.

Buck sat in his Opal G.T., Baby, listening to Blood Sweat and Tears for the sixth time in a row.

He would hit re-wind on his tape deck and sing along “ride a painted pony let the spinning wheel turn”. He looked up when the passenger door opened. “Where is she? If she’s not in this car by the time this song is over I’m leaving without her! Do you want me to leave you too? Go tell her I’m not going to be late again.” Gladys rolled her eyes and marched back into the house to tell her older sister that she had better hurry. This routine made Gladys tired. She was only eleven and this going back and forth between her older siblings made her weary to the bone. Why did it have to be so difficult to go any where? Life should be easy. She had an older brother with a cool car and a driver’s license how bad could it be?

Oh wait, she had an older sister who had never been on time for anything. The only time she was ever early was when she was born a month premature. Why must she take so much time getting dressed? How hard can it be? You smear some blue stuff on your eyelids, slap some black stuff on your eyelashes, roll some white stuff on your lips and you’re done. Not Matilda, she spent hours separating each eyelash. Then she had to make sure she put blue stuff on her eyelids, then line her eyes with black stuff, then put white stuff under her eyes then pink stuff on her cheeks. It was all too much for little Gladys who brushed her teeth and hair only when reminded.

She marched into the bathroom where Matilda was still parting yet another clump of lashes and said “he said if you aren’t out there in one minute he is leaving without you.” Matilda lowered her mascara wand and narrowed her eyes in a menacing way “you tell him if he leaves me he is going to be in BIG trouble. I am almost done. All I have to do is finish curling my hair.”

The sound that came from Gladys could only be described as the same sound a wounded moose would make. She drug her feet out to the car, opened the door and whined “she is still unclumping her spidie-lashes. She still has to do her hair!” Buck turned off the car and opened his door. Gladys smirked. She knew the fight was on now. Buck was decked out in his plaid bell bottomed pants, white belt and cranberry colored shirt. His hair was combed to perfection but he doubled checked it in the perfectly polished windshield of his beloved “Baby”. He stomped through the house in his platform shoes and threw open the bathroom door. “NOW!” he demanded.

Matilda sat her safety pin on the vanity and looked at Buck “Don’t make me hurt you.” Buck laughed and said “I’m the one with the driver’s license; now let’s go we are going to be late.” Matilda sat back down on the counter top and brushed away some errant mascara. “I’m almost ready. We aren’t going to be late” she answered nonchalantly. “Besides, you always say you’re going to leave but you don’t. You know that you would be in trouble if you did.” Buck jiggled his keys and replied “well today is the day that I am leaving you.” He grabbed Gladys by the arm and said “come on, you’re ready, let’s go.”

Gladys turned and looked at her sister as she was being drug from the room. There Matilda sat still picking apart her lashes with a smile on her face. She knew her siblings wouldn’t leave for church without her, even if she did make them late.

Shortly after this picture was taken the fight was on.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Return of Just The Facts 11-16-09

Either nothing of consequence happened in the Flathead area over the last couple of weeks or I just broke my funny bone but it looks like it is on the mend.  So without further ado...

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 11-16-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 11/04/2009

2:01 p.m. A Shar-Pei and a Pit Bull ran at large on Hidden Lane.
First of all could they run any other way? Have you seen the size of those dogs? Second of all I wonder if they were hiding?
5:20 p.m. Someone on Tamarack Lane in Columbia Falls reports that a bear has been eating the meat out of their outdoor freezer.
Now Yogi that’s taking it a bit far, I mean stealing my turkey out of my freezer.

7:11 p.m. A man in dark clothing and carrying a dark-colored bag wandered down the middle of Highway 93.
I see Johnny Cash is back again. “I see that train a coming…”

9:08 p.m. An injured deer on Hodgeson Road jumped up and ran away when a deputy approached.
Maybe it didn’t want to get caught in the headlights, or maybe it was playing opossum.

Thursday 11/5/2009

2:53 p.m. Someone and his girlfriend left an Evergreen family eatery without paying for their meal.
Well she said she was a cheap date.
4:14 p.m. A resident of Martin City reports that someone was running around their house and hiding in the bushes. The subject was described as wearing a puffy dress with long johns and pants underneath.
I know who it was.   It was the Tooth Fairy!

9:19 p.m. A drunk man went to the bathroom in the bushes outside an Evergreen fast food restaurant. Authorities responded but could not find the leaky man.
Did they follow the yellow trail in the snow?

Friday 11/6/2009

8:02 p.m. Two woman and a man attempted to steal thousands of dollars worth of items from an Evergreen box store. All three of them went directly to jail.
Did they pass go? Did they collect $200?

Monday 11/9/2009

3:09 a.m. Someone in Columbia Falls could hear voices outside but couldn’t see anyone in the area.
Was it Bigfoot talking to the Tooth Fairy?
10:01 a.m. Three goats are in the habit of wandering onto a neighbor’s property on Helena Flats Road.

Hum, maybe it was the Three Billy Goats Gruff or perhaps Nanny Goats In Panties and her friends.
Nanny Goat in Panties

10:48 a.m. Apparently, a man’s estranged wife has “half of the Valley” out looking for him with the intention to end his life.
Oh come on! Half of the Valley? What about Fred on the other half? I heard he is after you too.

Remeber the Mob scene from Young Frankenstein?
That is what I'm invisioning.
11:33 a.m. A resident of Gunsite Loop was chased into their home by a neighbor’s vicious dog.

See even the dog is after you.

3:43 p.m. After striking a mountain lion with their vehicle, a motorist requested information for an insurance claim.
Really? Do you think the mountain lion had insurance?

4:06 p.m. A man was seen sitting in his vehicle near a local convenience store with a hatchet on his lap. When asked what he was doing, he claimed he was just “killing time.”
He was just waiting to bury the hatchet in Mr. HalftheValley’s head.

Here's Johnny!
5:15 p.m. Someone lost their wallet and then later found it.
In his back pocket?

10:29 p.m. Authorities chased a man dressed in camouflage and carrying a rifle in Columbia Falls. The subject evidently fled when they tried to make contact.
Well there is another one after Mr. HalftheValley. I see a conspiracy theory brewing.

Tuesday 11/10/2009

8:41 a.m. A garage door on Valley Drive has been mysteriously opening when the homeowner isn’t around. Recently, part of a deer carcass went missing from the open garage.
Damn that Yogi!
1:18 p.m. Over one year ago, a theft occurred on Dun Movin Lane.
First of all Dun Movin Lane? Second of all a YEAR ago?

Thursday 11/12/2009

11:53 a.m. Obscene material mysteriously appeared on a computer at a local dive shop.
Gee honey, I don’t know where that video of Carrie Prejean came from.
12:32 p.m. Someone stole a deer head from the back of a truck on Parliament Drive.
Yogi, that’s enough. Go back to stealing pick-a-nick baskets!
6:24 p.m. Two juveniles fought at a local church while waiting for their youth group to begin.
Um, yeah, dudes, your like in church and stuff, shouldn’t you be acting Christian like?

8:52 p.m. Hazardous chemicals were splattered all over the photography dark room at the local college. The building was evacuated and the chemicals contained.
WAIT! People still use film?
10:25 p.m. A woman called, saying that she was lost in a field and didn’t know how she got there. She could not identify her location, but indicated that there was a fence nearby. The woman’s husband later located her and escorted her home.
Where is Mulder and Sculley when you need them?

Friday 11/13/2009
2:23 p.m. A man was separated from his mother-in-law while hunting on Blankenship Road. The woman turned up while a deputy was speaking with the man.
Again sounds like UFO activity.

4:45 p.m. A young boy spit on a 10-year-old girl. She responded by kicking him in the chin.
Been practicing your Karate again Mary Kate?
6:12 p.m. Someone on Many Lakes Drive reports that their 4-year-old has been seeing a man at his bedroom window at night. This claim is substantiated by footprints found in the dirt beneath the child’s window. Authorities will be following up.
Did he see a guy with a really big head and big eyes? NO? Then it was just Bigfoot.

8:00 p.m. A resident of Middle Road in Columbia Falls heard something hit his house. Though no damage was done, the reporting party suspects an act of criminal mischief.
Bigfoot or Aliens? You decide.

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

"It's awkward having a policeman around the house. Friends drop in, a man with a badge answers the door, the temperature drops 20 degrees.

Now be careful out never know where Bigfoot may be lurking.