Thursday, April 30, 2009

A Hunting I Did Go

I am only writing this because Lilu asked me to. Today is TMI Thursday over at her site Live It Luv It. I normally reserve today for Trooper Bob. Today however I will be giving you WAY too much personal information about myself. So if you are easily offended or are the least bit squeamish by female parts please skip today’s post and come back tomorrow. If you happen to be one of my children keep in mind that your mother was once young and impressionable. Enough said? Oh and if you are one of my children please do not include this in my eulogy when I die.
When I was young around eighteen years old I dated a young man who was an avid hunter. He was one of those guys who would spend his entire weekend during dove season, hunting. He did the same during duck, deer, turkey, squirrel, varmint, and cockroach season. I don’t know if there really is a cockroach season but I’ve seen some that were bigger than a cow. I digress.
This just happened to be dove season which starts in September. September in west Texas is still very hot. His family owned some land outside of the little town where I went to college. He picked me up one Saturday and we headed out shotguns loaded into the gun rack in the back window of his Chevy Apache. He had his bottle of coke and next to it sat his bottle of spit. He had his Redman Tobacco in a pouch. I had on my tightest Wrangler’s a cute shirt and my favorite cowboy boots. We looked just like Sissy and Bud for you youngins that is Debra Winger and John Travolta in Urban Cowboy.

We arrived at ‘The Place’ which is what they called their little spread. It had an old farm house and some loading pens that were all vacant. He parked the pickup in a field. He and I unloaded our necessary supplies, the guns and a burlap sack. We headed out across the field that had once been full of corn or grain but now was just brown stalks. Now Button, yes his name was really Button, was happy about having me along but then again not so happy. I mean since his dog had passed over into the happy hunting ground he didn’t have anyone to retrieve the birds but he did have a pretty cute girlfriend who didn’t mind going after them. He was unhappy though because I am big old klutz. I can tear up a stainless steel ball bearing. My daddy used to say I was a bull in a china closet. My momma always said I went where I was looking instead of looking where I was going. This is not a good thing when you are hunting. You are supposed to be quiet and stealthly. I am talkative and clumsy.

We had been out hunting for several hours and I had drunk a couple of glasses of iced tea before we had headed out. Mother Nature was now calling to me. She wasn’t just calling she was SCREAMING at me. I tried to hold it. I tried not to think about it; except we were sitting by a tank, for those of you not from Texas that is like a pond.
I kept squirming this way and shifting that way but nothing helped. I needed to go and I needed to go soon. “Button, honey, I need to use the bathroom” I whispered. He looked at me and said “okay go ahead”. I looked around and we were in the middle of a field. “Button, honey, there isn’t a little girls room around here anywheres. Can we walk back up to ‘The Place’ so I can use the bathroom?” He sighed heavily rolled his eyes and said “Sweetie Pie, it’s like a 3 mile walk back to ‘The Place’. Just go over there behind them bushes.” I looked where he was pointing and said “you mean just out here in the, the Out HERE?” He just gave me a blank stare and said “yeup. I won’t peek. Just go over there. You don’t have to go number two do you? Cause I ain’t got nuthin for you to wipe with.” I swallowed hard and looked back at the little clump of bushes. “Nope I just need to pee. Do you think there are any snakes over there?” The corners of his mouth turned up ever so slightly and said “could be. I’ll go see.” So he walked behind the bushes and I heard his zipper then water running. “OH DEAR LORD” I thought “please don’t let me pee in my pants.” Then Button returned zipping up his pants and said “didn’t see no snakes. Well at least none that wasn’t attached to me.” It was my turn to roll my eyes.

I didn’t have a choice. I could wait no longer. I scurried behind the bush. I unzipped my pants and I struggled to get those too tight jeans down over my hips and down past my knees. A little tidbit of information for you men out there you are able to just whip it and and squirt. We women have to squat and make sure that when we squat we neither fill up our shoes nor pee on our pants. It is a delicate balancing act. Honestly it should be an Olympic sport except the Chinese would lie and say that thier 8 year old contestant is really 48 and the U.S. would take 2nd place. We all know how limber those 8 year olds can be. So I found a bit of even ground and copped a squat. Relief sweet relief. I emptied my bladder and as I did I noticed there was a swarm of gnat like bugs all around me. Now in the south we have these little bugs called chiggers. They are called chiggers or redbugs. They are nasty little creatures who burrow under your skin causing a mosquito bite type bump that itches and stings.
It itches so bad it will drive you insane. I mean scratch a hole in your arm insane. The first time I ever saw a meth head I thought it was just a kid who had gotten into chiggers.
I finished my business and wrestled my tight jeans back up over my hips and fastened them. Then went to sit and wait for the dove to come to the tank. It must not have been a good day for dove because we saw very few. We began our trek back to the truck.
Now I was a bit uncomfortable in my girly parts. I figured there was something in my underwear from where I copped a squat and was ecstatic when we arrived back at ‘the place’. Now it was just an old farm house that was kept as a hunting camp but it had a working restroom and that was enough for me. I ran into the restroom and checked out my clothing. No grass burs and no stinging nettle everything seemed okay. I splashed a little cold water on my bits and went back out to the truck.

Button dropped me off at my apartment and we made a plan to eat lunch together the next day. I went and took a shower. I began to itch in my nether regions. Then I started noticing welts, big red welts. My roommate came home and I told her about them. She called our neighbor who was a nurse. Nurse Betty came over and I told her about these mystery bumps. She said “well that sounds like one of them sexually transmitted diseases. You need to see your female doctor stat.” That is nurse talk for right now. “But, Betty, I’m a virgin! How would I have gotten it? I mean I haven’t done nothing.” Nurse Betty gave me that look of disbelief and said “Well I don’t know but that is what that sounds like. We learned all about it in our public health rotation.” It being a weekend I knew my doctor was not working and it would have to wait until Monday. I spent my Saturday night in burning itching pain. I agonized over whether or not something had happened to me without my knowledge. Maybe I had been abducted by a UFO and one of those spacemen had, had his way with me and then erased my memory. Maybe I had some rare disease and it was eating me alive from the inside out. Maybe an errant meteor had plummeted to earth while I was asleep with my mouth open and I swallowed it whole and it was burning me from the inside out. Whatever it was it was horrible.

Sunday morning, I called Button and told him not to come by and I went back to my misery. I just could not face him or anyone one else. I sat in cold baths, hot baths, baths full of vinegar, baths full of oatmeal and milk. I left out the raisins for fear they would just irritate it more. Finally it was Monday morning and I did not call my doctor. I instead went straight to his office and awaited his arrival. I insisted he had to see me first after all I was dying.

He listened to my symptoms and was completely perplexed. “Now Gladys” Dr. Kildare said “you can tell me if you are being sexually active. I can not tell your parents.” I looked at him disgusted that he didn’t understand I was DYING. “Doc, I am not doing nothing with nobody. I am a good girl. I just have this problem.” I pointed toward my girly parts and he shook his head. “Alright then, get undressed and I’ll take a look” he acquiesced. I did as I was told and laid my bare bits on the exam table. Dr. Kildare stuck his head under the sheet and I heard, “hum, oh! Good golly. Wow. Gosh I’ve never seen. Hey you know…” He slid his chair back slipped off his gloves and said “have you by any chance been, um, unclothed, um outside?” I laid there trying to piece together what he was asking and then it hit me. “Well, I had to go pee really, really bad the other day and I did behind a bush out at my boyfriend’s ranch.” He rubbed his chin and then said “looks like you got a mess of chiggers in your nether regions. I’ll prescribe some salve you can put on them but honestly you just have to smother them little buggers to make em go away. Some clear nail polish has always worked pretty good for me although I don’t know how you’re going to apply it down there.”
That is how I ended up with cooter chiggers.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

In The Dark

Windblown and scattered. It is amazing that one tree can bring down a whole town's electrical grid.

Finally after packing boxes and cleaning up the kitchen I stepped into the shower. The water was warm and soothing and I had just poured a cup full of vinegar in my hair when everything went black. I stood there frozen for a moment waiting for the light. Nothing. Not a sound, not a glimmer just darkness. I finished rinsing my hair and grabbed a towel. Then I heard a pop and the whir of the printer and the television trying to start up again. Out of the bath I ran toward the kitchen table where our make-shift work area is set up. Then pop out it went again. I started unplugging appliances one by one frantic to make sure they did not receive a power spike.
It's dark and I'm scared.

Vuuum, whirr, the printer tried to start up once again before I grabbed the plug then it stopped. I ran to the window and looked out over the neighbor’s ginormous house that is normally lit up like a Christmas tree. It too was dark. There are no lights in the bathroom so I scrounged for a candle and a lighter which I found one but not the other. The candle did me no good without fire. I am not survivor man. I am not able to rub two sticks together and produce a roaring fire and cook cat poop tea. I am at a loss. I returned to a dark shower and felt my way through the rest of my morning routine.

The wind was whipping outside and the tall pines were swaying dangerously to and fro. I sat wet headed and impotent. I could not run my computer and peruse the web. I could not watch one of the five million news channels and find out if the swine flu had reached the moon yet. I grabbed my coffee and took a sip only to swallow room temperature café au lait.

This is the repair crew.
What is a mountain woman to do? I am sure a REAL mountain woman would have gathered enough pine straw and deer poop to get a flame going. She would have built a roaring fire in the fireplace and then lit her candles from there. Then she would have roasted her freshly obtained 50 lb trout that she had caught with her bare hands from the frozen lake.

Could you reach in and grab one for me?

I am no mountain woman. I am a survivor. I drove to the next town and got a coffee and spent my time in the book store.

That is how I survive.

Did I mention it was daytime?

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 4/27/2009

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum. "The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-27-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

Wednesday 04-22-09

8:59 a.m.
Someone in Bigfork is missing $20,000. Reportedly, their daughter has it.Then it’s not really missing is it?
10:10 a.m. $700 is missing from the animal shelter.
Maybe they lost it in a poker game.
11:06 a.m. A man said he had “interesting things” on his telephone that he wanted to show to a deputy. He left the detention center without doing so.
Ok now I’m curious. What kind of things? Did he have pictures of Bigfoot?

12:53 p.m. Someone was inside of a Porta Potty long enough to spray-paint a picture on one of the walls.Wasn’t that nice? I mean I have priced murals and I really can’t afford one but they got one for free. 2:53 p.m. Skateboarders were skateboarding.
Shame on them I mean skateboarding how dare they.
3:05 p.m. Two blue heelers were in a yard, within a fence.
I’m sorry everytime I see one of these dogs all I can think is “The Dingo Stole My BAHHBEEEEE.”

5:39 p.m. Kids were playing basketball on East Reserve.
Again how dare those kids play basketball? Honestly when did kids playing become illegal.

6:03 p.m. Someone stole something from a farm store. They fled in a green truck.
Uh, Oh. Kahuna you have some splainin to do…

8:46 p.m. Loud music was vibrating someone’s home on Bernard Road in Kalispell.
Hey they were just Rockin the House
10:06 p.m. There was a “mutual combat” in Kalispell.
Is that a new video game? See I just don’t know about these new fangled things.
10:31 p.m. There was a lot of screaming, and, reportedly, a “lowlife” was abusing a woman.
Well was he? I mean if the prison shoes fit…
11:40 p.m. An inmate made it into the “soft cell.” First, though, he was Tasered
I bet that calmed him down and made him pee his pants. I wonder if it was the lowlife wife beater?

Friday 04-24-09

11:18 a.m. A furniture company is losing its garbage in a neighbor’s yard.
Again is it lost if it’s in the neighbor’s yard?
11:26 a.m. Gas was taken from a company vehicle. It’s not known where this happened.
Then how is it known that it happened?
11:41 a.m. A mother separated two boys who were getting after it.
Um I hope that means they were fighting.
12:15 p.m. Someone was worried about some squatters and their sewage. It turns out all the waste was accounted for, and in its proper place.
I don’t think I want to know how they found it was accounted for.
12:24 p.m. An elderly gentleman in Lakeside was very confused.
Hey I totally can identify with him. I’m confused too.
3:06 p.m. A man was quite despondent, but OK.
Was he despondent as in Heathcliff walking the moors? Or was he just I am going to go sit on a bridge and contemplate suicide?
3:15 p.m. An inmate was peeling the paint off the wall of their cell.
Um, maybe the jail needs to repaint. I think they have a bunch of laborers just sitting around.
3:34 p.m. Kids were jumping off of a train trestle.
Into what? The river? Wasn’t that a song? This isn’t suppose to happen until the 3rd of June.
4:36 p.m. A stump was ablaze.
Is that anything like the burning bush? The blazing stump?

5:20 p.m. Someone recognized some rings they saw at a pawnshop.
If you recognize them do you get to keep them? Because I think I recognized a 4 karat blue diamond ring.

10:31 p.m. A man said he found a bullet on his staircase. He believes it was put there intentionally as a threat.
What’s next a horse head in his bed?

10:56 p.m. Someone was getting calls from a drunkard, who stated, “I want to fight you.” The reporting party did not know who the man was.
Maybe it was the same guy who left the bullet. I'm glad he's not contemplating the horse head thing.

Monday 04-27-09
10:14 a.m. A man was sitting in his car, and not getting out. Turns out he was a Census worker. Those Census worker’s are a dangerous bunch.
3:53 p.m. Someone stole some sunglasses.
From where? Was the person wearing them when they were stolen? I accuse people all the time of stealing my glasses then I realize that I’m wearing them on top of my head.

4:28 p.m. A basset hound trying to bite people in the parking lot of the Sheriff’s Department proved to be quite elusive. It could not be caught.
Those dang elusive basset hounds.

5:18 p.m. A man said his in-laws are harassing him.
And this is news? I thought that was the job of the in-laws.
8:13 p.m. Someone in the Bigfork area said there was an aggressive black bear in his backyard. The bear was eating seeds, and, reportedly was advancing onto the man’s porch. He shot the bear in the rear with a pellet gun.
He shot the bear with a pellet gun? What was he begging to be mauled? Was he trying to really piss off the aggressive bear?
Was this event preceded by the statement “Hey Watch This” as he hands his beer to his friend?

Joe Friday Quote of the Week:

FRIDAY: "Your PRR puts you in the top ten percent of the Department. Now to me that indicates a trained, capable, disciplined police officer. Not a back-alley brawler! "You were riding with a young partner. What kind of example do you think you set for him?

Monday, April 27, 2009

Happy Birthday Nurse Meme

She was born in a little town in New Mexico that no longer exists. She was seven years old when her family packed up the house and moved away. She came home from the one room school house where she had walked that morning empty stomach with a biscuit bucket in hand. Her hand-me down dress tattered and torn. She reached the place she called home to find the house dark and empty. Not just empty of the family she had shared it with but empty of everything. She sat on the porch crying and scared. Then she remembered what her grandmother had always said “Girl you ain’t never going to get anywhere sittin and cryin. Now get over yourself and get it done.” So little Meme got up dusted the dust of her dress and walked the long walk to her grandmother’s house on the Indian Reservation.

She arrived at her granny’s house to find her sweeping the dirt and knocking the chickens out of the doorway. “What’s happened girl” the old woman inquired. “I’m alone they’ve done ran off and left me here” the little girl replied. “Well, that is probably for the best. Bring yourself in this house and let’s get you cleaned up and get some food into ya. You look like a walking skeleton” the old woman replied.

The little girl settled in with her granny. She got up early fed the chickens and would stuff a tortilla in her biscuit bucket and head to school. There were no buses and because she started at the white school that was where she continued to go. She would walk the three miles to school every morning and back home again in the afternoon. She was a smart little girl and quickly advanced above her grade. The days turned into weeks which passed into months that faded into years. Then at the age of ten she awoke one morning to find that her Granny would never wake again. She sat and cried and then heard her granny’s voice again so “Girl you ain’t never going to get anywhere sittin and cryin. Now get over yourself and get it done.” So she walked the five miles to her uncle’s house and told him that her granny was dead.

She packed what little belongings she owned and they loaded the chickens and the cow up in the truck. She went to live with her Uncle and her Aunt. She moved in to a real house with real floors thinking her life was getting better. She was a hard worker and a smart girl. She wasn’t there long before she realized that her life wasn’t better just different. She became the maid, the ranch hand and the kicking post. She worked hard and time passed. She grew older and wiser. She was fourteen and graduated from high school with honors.
She packed her belongings in her little satchel and went off to college in a little town in west Texas. She had gotten a scholarship at the school far away from her friends. She was scared to be going away on her own away from everything she knew but she heard her granny in her head once again “Girl you ain’t never going to get anywhere sittin and cryin. Now get over yourself and get it done.”

This was the woman who I grew up calling Mom. This was the woman who never took no for an answer and who I rarely saw cry. This is the woman when I was feeling sorry for myself or had something I considered a major drama would say “Girl you aren’t going to get anywhere sitting and crying. Get over yourself and get it done.” Today would have been her birthday. I think about her everyday and there is hardly a night that she doesn’t visit me in my dreams. I hear her words in my head when I feel myself slipping into self-despair “Girl you aren’t going to get anywhere sitting and crying. Get over yourself and get it done.”

Happy Birthday Meme. I hope you and your Granny are kicking ass and taking names up there in heaven.

Things I Want Vs. Things I Need

One of the things I decided to work on about myself was realizing the difference between things I want and things I need. I have come to the truth that there are very few things I need. I want to tell you this has saved me a bundle of money. You see I really don't need that new chopper that Vince, the Sham Wow guy, is peddling. Come to think of it I don't need a Sham Wow nor do I need a Snuggie. Honestly if someone wanted to send me these things for FREE I would gladly accept them and then come on here and lord it over everyone else that I got them for FREE. Only no one has been beating down my door to give me anything. Oh I follow the Pioneer Woman religiously and I try so very hard to win just one little item off her blog. I mean I would love to have a copper colored Kitchen Aide Mixer or a brand spankin new Nikon camera, but again it ain't happening. I think she see's my moniker and says "nope I'm not choosing her". I really do think it's personal, but I'm not paranoid or anything.

I digress the reason I'm writing this is because I have found something that I think I both need and want. You see Miss Priss, my granddaughter, is having a birthday. I am going to her birthday party 2000 miles away. Now I haven't gotten to spend Christmas with her or Thanksgiving or even hunt for Easter eggs. I have missed all of these things. I am thinking that I NEED to video her Birthday Party. I mean think about it had I had a video camera last year when I made her the Exploding Barbie Cake I could have shared it with all of you.

Anyway I was over at Two of A Kind Working on A Full House and she is giving away this really cool little camera by Creative Labs.

Now I'm not going to lie to you I don't think I have a snowball chance in hell to win but I just thought this little camera was too cool. I also think this is something I really really need. I mean I'm not sure my life will go on without it. So I'm thinking if one of you would like to just send me this camera for FREE then it would solve all my problems right? In the meantime I'm going to go sign up to win it and cross my fingers. What ever you do, don't go sign up to win this camera and spoil my chances.

*******BREAKING NEWS*********It has come to my attention that I am in fact a weener, I mean winner! I won over at Bliss. WoooHooo! Tarjay here I come. Thanks Staci!

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Thank You Thank You Very Much...

You are supposed to read the title in your very best Elvis voice. If you didn't go back and read it again with your ducktail slicked back and your lip curled.

I am so thrilled and honored to have been awarded some blogging awards. The first one was from Toad over at To The Manner Born. First let me say that TOAD is who inspired me to write this post Jesus Loves Me and I have been a loyal reader of his since. It is the Your Blog Is Fabulous Award

and I am just having shitfit giggles over here for getting it. When I started writing this blog and my first I was unsure if anyone would actually read it. It never ceases to amaze me to look on my ticker and find that over 200 people in one day have peered into my brain and haven't run away screamingand many come back for more. This is just amazing to me. That people actually want to read what I write.
Recipients are asked to: Post the award on your blog. Nominate 10 other blogs and link to them. Send some love back to the person who bestowed the award on you telling them who you gave it to and posting a link to their site. Let your nominees know that they've received the award
1. Tales of the Wild Boomba - I'm telling you this woman is my long lost sister from another mother. Her stories and post are always interesting and laugh out loud funny.
2. The Queen's Blog - well because honestly...she is the Queen.
3. Tatermomma - The wonder from down under!
4. The Texas Woman - That junking, spunky, rip roaring good spirited blogger from Aggie Territory.
5. Couture Allure Vintage - because I love the clothes she shows us from a classier day and age.
6. Red Red Whine- She looks at life with a fresh face and a clear voice. Plus she is the only attorney I've ever read that makes sense.

7. Sweet Tea- because who doesn't love Sweet Tea?

8. Casa De Chaos - First of all don't you love the name?

9. The Rightous Buzz- She has made us aware of Dystonia, Politics and of course the healing properties of Coffee.

and Last but certainly not least is

10. Bye Bye Pie - because she is June Gardens and one of the funniest bloggers I have ever seen.

Second is the Lemonaide Award from Renovation Therapy.

Renovation Therapy is a blog in which you never know if you are going to be kitten shopping or making tea bag holders (See Anderson Cooper your not the only one who can use that euphaism.) Anyway she is also someone I follow on a daily basis.

The Lemonade Stand Award is presented to people with a good attitude or sense of gratitude.However, it comes with a few rules: Receipients are asked to: Post the award on your blogNominate 10 other blogs and link to them.
Send some love back to the person who bestowed the award on you by: a/telling them who you gave it to and posting a link to their site.
Let your nominees know that they've received the award.

And the winners are:

1. Bob over at The Lost Fart of Blogging- because he reminds me way too much of my Brother Buck

2. Suzy over at Hollywood Where Hot Comes to Die - Who doesn't love the Chocolate Bopka lady?

3. Jenn over at Juggling Life- You should see how she handles balls.

4. Girly Stuff - because anyone who can put up with that much testosterone deserves more than award. She deserves some vodka in her lemonade

5. Punchy over at Luchesse to Louis Vitton - what style, what grace, what a hottie

6. April over at Coal Creek Farm - she is the pig woman, the thrifty farm wife and well she is just too funny for words.

7. Anne over at Anne Again and Again - for giving us Friday nights and the Virtual Girls Night Out. I have made the acquantaince of many fine writers through her VGNO.

8. Deb over at Suburb Sanity - because there isn't anything sane over there.

9. Beth at Books Etc. - I know she is beating off the black flies this weekend so I hope she sees this when she returns.

10. Margret at Nanny Goats in Panties - not to be confused with Billy Goats in Jock Straps. They are two completely different blogs.

Now I have to tell you that I am grateful for both of these awards. I feel like Sally Field standing on stage saying "They Like me they really really like me!"

Go on click on the blog names and become addicted to them just as I have. Everyone of them is wonderful in thier own rights.

Does Your Dog Bite?

My family is a family of animal lovers. Oh we are not those insane PETA people who throw paint on fur coats and protest the Chicken Dance. We are the type of family who has shared our lives with dogs, cats, chickens, ducks, hamsters, fish and even a garden snake or two. Nurse Meme was adamant about animals in the house. They were absolutely not allowed. Well except for Pepe’ the Poodle and Taco the Chihuahua and yeah and there was Ruff the Cock-a-Poo then there was Nika the Yorkshire terrier the King of all the animals Killer the Yoodle.

Buck, my brother, is kind of a cool nerdy type of guy. He is was and always has been a very intelligent and funny person. He also loves to aggravate go read Waterboarding Buck’s way. It doesn’t matter who it is he will aggravate them including but not limited to our pets. We had a poodle named Pepe’ Le Peugh who loved it when my brother would play “gotcha”. This consisted of my brother squeezing Pepe’s haunches and yelling gotcha. Pepe’ would wiggle this way and that growling and biting at Buck until he was good and riled up then Buck would let him go and the game would start again.

One day when my brother was in high school he went to see a friend who lived up the street from us. The friend’s brother had gotten a new dog. I don’t really remember what type of dog it was but I think it was a beagle or a bird dog. Buck’s friend was really excited about the dog and was proudly showing it off to my brother. “Does he bite” my brother asked the dog’s master as ge bent down to play with the dog.
Remember the scene in the Pink Panther where Inspector Cleusau asks “Does your dog bite?”
Well that is pretty much what happened. Buck bent down to play with the dog and Rover decided my brother’s face looked like lunch. He clamped down on Buck’s nose and tried to eat it like a Snausage. Buck was screaming and Rover was not letting go. Buck having a beagle attached to his nose was trying to stand up straight to get away from the nose eating canine. Rover held on. This lasted for several minutes with my brother’s nose having been replaced by a puppy.

I have to say that I really hate that Youtube had not been invented yet because I would have loved to see the visual. I am guessing that a man carrying a dog around by his nose has got to be pretty humorous. The beagle finally relinquished my brother’s nose. It was a little worse for wear but it healed. The beagle was reprimanded for his unseemly behavior. The dog’s owner no longer answered the question “Does your dog bite” in the negative.
Oh and one other thing. The event did not teach my brother anything. Nope. He still aggravated the dog.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

You Kids Are Driving Me Crazy

I am sure by now you have heard the story of the attorney in New York who put her kids out on the side of the road. I wrote this story some time ago and posted it on my other blog. I thought it was appropriate to bring it back now. If you don’t know what I’m talking about you can go here and watch the news report. Mom arrested for booting kids out of car
Mom arrested for booting kids out of car
Mom Arrested.

I am almost certain that my mother was crazy. I mean certifiable, card carrying, one flew over the cuckoo’s nest crazy. How do I know this? I know this because my siblings and I made her that way. We would run around like wild Indians acting like the King and Queens of Sheba and drive her insane.

My mother would utter these almost not quite sentences. What did ? Who did? Don’t you? Where are your? These would be followed by a garble of words that would sound very much like Martian or Greek. She would tell us over and over again. “Stop it RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE! I MEAN IT!” Did we listen? Oh, no, we didn’t listen. We could hear her. We knew it meant almost certain death or at least being grounded from your favorite toy or person. Did this change anything? Absolutely not, we would continue doing whatever we were not supposed to be doing. We would smile at her and giggle a little. Then it would happen. She would make the final proclamation “I AM NOT JOKING!” This would be followed by the words that would announce that she would now be throwing a grand mal screaming Meme hissy fit. "YOU DAMN KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!"

When my mother would fall into this state of temporary insanity she would say and do almost anything to get our attention. One fine November day back in 1960 something my mother had all three of us precious sweet spawn of Satan’s children in the car. I am not sure where we had been or where we were going what I do remember is my brother aggravating my sister and me from the front seat. He would turn around from his shotgun position in the front and poke and pick and needle my sister and me. My brother ALWAYS rode shotgun, unless my Dad was there. I did not grow up in a democracy. We would in turn yell and scream, hit and punch, whine and cry whatever it took to make him stop. Only it didn’t make him stop it only urged him to continue his harassment.

My mother warned us. She tried to tell us that there was bad stuff coming. She would keep one eye on the road, one hand on the wheel and she would slap at us in the back seat. She declared in her most severe mommy voice several times “Do not make me pull this car over!” Did we heed the warnings? Of course we did not heed her warnings, we were invincible. We were young stupid. We were fearless idiots. We were fearless right up until my mother made the statement that set the world on edge. “YOU DAMN KIDS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY!” Then she did the unthinkable, the unimaginable. She did exactly what she had been threatening. She pulled the car over. She opened the door and told her three sweet hellion devil children to get out on the side of the road. She did not even exit the vehicle to make sure we had gotten out of the car she just pulled over. Looked at us with the look of a crazed sociopath and said “GET OUT OF THE DAMN CAR NOW!”

I being the youngest just knew this didn’t apply to me. Surely she didn’t mean me not sweet little innocent me. I was but a mere baby, heck I was the baby. Surely Mother wouldn’t put her dear sweet youngest mephistophelian child on the side of the road to freeze or get hit by an errant meteor. My older brother and sister made perfect sense I mean they were the ones that started it. They were the ones who delighted in making me run crying to my mother. They forced me to tattle on them. I knew my mother would let me stay in the warm car with her. Then she turned that cold deranged stare on me and said “You two Queen of Sheba. GET OUT!”
She shut the door and put her foot into that accelerator like Ricky Bobby with the tail end of his NASCAR on fire. All we saw was the glow of Thunderbird Taillights fading into the golden November afternoon.

I wasn’t afraid was terrified in fact I think I may have peed a little and I began to console my brother and sister cry uncontrollably. We immediately started blaming each other for our situation grabbed each other’s hands and began to walk home while my brother continued to needle, harass and aggravate and my sister continued to beat the crap out of him. We walked the whole way home. I’m not sure how far it really is probably a couple of miles but when your 8 it feels like it is 400 miles. I cried and whined and my sister and brother really did make sure I was alright.

I knew we had finally done it. We had done what my mother always said we would do. Only this time she had really gone over the edge. She was certifiable, she was cuckoo, and she had made a trip to loony town. She had gone crazy and didn’t even take us with her.

We made it home, but she wasn’t there. As we walked up the drive to our house she came driving down the street. We could see her in the car. Beehive piled high, cigarette smoke wafting out the window, her cat eye sunglasses on her face and her expression was stone cold. She got out of the car and we all ran over and hugged her and cried and apologized for being little ass-hats. She hugged us back and told us to go get cleaned up for supper.

Years later when she and I sat chatting over coffee and slot machines she told me the truth of that day. She told me how she was on her last nerve working 80 hours a week, taking care of the three of us kids and my dad. She told me how she remembered she hadn’t slept in days and the bickering and arguing finally just got to her. She said she couldn’t think of any other way to get our attention and let us know she was serious but put us out. She said that she circled the block and made sure we got started in the right direction then kept enough distance to make sure we were alright followed us home. She said she kept her glasses on so we couldn't see that she had been crying.

It worked. It made me pay attention. I knew anytime she said “Don’t make me pull this car over!” She wasn’t joking. She would pull this car over and she would make us pay attention.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Random Thoughts by Gladys Earth Day Edition

Since Earth Day was earlier this week I thought I would keep my thoughts to the Earth as opposed to having Lunar Thoughts.

Dear Mr. Gore is the two moon effect caused from Global Warming or from bad photography?

I feel sorry for snow men. I mean people are always throwing their balls at each other.

Earlier this week my loving husband took me to the dump…you can read about it here. I thought I would share my trip with you so….

Why can't you approach the dump on the left? Is it a conservative dump?

See those pipe sticking out of the ground? I asked Kahuna what those were and he said they are "fart pipes". I guess that means the dump is not anal retentive.

What is the fun of going to the dump if you can't bring something home?

Does this mean that you have to dump your car and your kids at the same time? I just don't think that is fair. You should be able to leave one and not the other.

Good GAWD what are they dumping? I bet there are old U.F.O's behind that sign and they don't want us to see them.

They must be dumping their kids.

This is just one days trash. I was overwhelmed and not just by the stench.

Did you know people dump horse, deer, elk, and other animal carcasses at the dump but they don't have to remain in the vehicle?

Notice the tires scattered around. I think they forgot to say Past THIS Point.

See the dump is just like High School. They have cliques too. Those poor Level 3,2 and 1 Concretes have no where to hang out.

This one confused me. Isn't this the dump? Aren't you supposed to dump your trash?

Need a washer? A dryer? A refrigerator? A car? You can find it all at the dump.


Oh one more is Friday which means over at Half Past Kissing Time she is celebrating her Friday Fragments. Go on over and visit or sign up your own Friday Fragment post.

Don't forget this is VGNO over at Ann Again and Again. I know I need a Girls night out after my tough week.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Shoot Low Sheriff

Trooper Ray was working on his third cup of the night. Trooper Bob had just fired up his first cigar. They were taking a breather from a shift full of drunk drivers. The honky-tonks were packed to the rafters and everyone seemed to be imbibing in a little too much of a good time. They were working Highway 181 between San Antonio and Floresville and it seemed to be a hopping area.

They were discussing the attributes of the new waitress at the diner and admiring their brand spanking new patrol car. All of a sudden out of the dark came a car careening down the highway at an excessive rate of speed. It was full of revelers tossing beer bottles out the window and playing that new rock and roll music way too loud. Trooper Ray sighed the sigh of a man who knew he would not be picking up his fourth cup of coffee from the new waitress anytime soon and flipped on the sigh-reen as he pulled onto the tarmac. Trooper Bob stubbed out his cigar and called into to dispatch “Dispatch this is car 76 we have a 10-55 on 181 we are in pursuit.” The translation is hey we are chasing a drunk driver and will let you know when we get him stopped.

The sigh-reen was blaring and the red light was whirling and they were right on that old Pontiac’s big fins. That is when they heard it. A loud pop. Ray looked at Bob and said “Those sumabeeches are throwing beer bombs at us. They are not gonna pull over.” Trooper Bob switched the radio over to public address so that it would broadcast and said “pull your car to the side of the road RIGHT NOW!” About that time one of the occupants hung a big bare ass out the rear driver window in response.

Trooper Bob and Trooper Ray were perplexed. Did these ingrates know with whom they were dealing? They were the law. L*A*W! Ray revved the engine and got up close to the insolent driver’s tail lights and flashed his headlights as Trooper Bob again made the request “STOP YOUR VEHICLE NOW!” Again the only response the trooper’s received was the universal sign language of the middle finger. The Pontiac sped up still driving at a dangerous rate of speed weaving from one side of the road to the other. Trooper Bob said “Ray we need to stop that sumabeech before he kills somebody. I’m gonna lean out the winder and shoot out his tires.” Ray looked at Bob and grinned “Alright I’ll get you up close and we’ll both shoot. Ready?” Bob grinned back and replied “Hell yeah! Shoot low though.” With that the two troopers pulled their weapons and prepared to fire. They reached out the window and took aim. They shot once, twice and finally ended up emptying their service revolvers. The car continued to speed up and slow down weaving from one side of the road to the other. The troopers reloaded their weapons and tried once again. Finally the car spun out of control and ended up in the ditch. The troopers were sure they had hit their mark and caused the final result. They exited their vehicle guns drawn and eased up to the offending vehicle. “Get out of the car with your hands up” Trooper Bob called to the occupants. One by one they exited the vehicle. “Damn Bob looks like one of them clown cars at the circus” Trooper Ray commented as the car unloaded. The drunks stumbled from the car and one by one surrendered to the troopers.

They loaded their catch into the backseat of the vehicle and accompanied by a sheriff’s deputy who took he overage in his car carted the partiers off to the jail. They booked the suspects, filled out their paperwork and headed back out to their new squad car to finish their shift. Sheriff Mack accompanied them regaling them with a story when he stopped cold in his tracks. “What in the HAIL happened to you boys car” the sheriff asked as he pointed to the bullet holes down the front of both sides of the hood of the brand new squad car. “Them sumabeeches done shot up your brand new car” he exclaimed. Trooper Bob looked at Trooper Ray and they both said “Those sumabeeches!” The sheriff spit a wad of tobacco and said “we’re gonna bury them under the jailhouse for that one.”

The two troopers got in their car and started out of the drive when Trooper Bob looked at Trooper Ray and said “You know we are gonna have to tell Mack that we shot our own car.” Trooper Ray sighed and said “yeah I know, but I’m gonna get a cup of coffee at the diner first.”

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Gladys and The Doctor

I was snooping around over at Girly Stuff’s Blog, She asked what your first job was. Well what was it?

If you count babysitting, then that was my first job. It was a poopie job but it wasn’t too terrible. I learned how to make homemade Eyetalian food from my boss, Mrs. Soprano. Then I had a friend whose brother owned a “filling station” or a gas station to most folks. He asked me to add up his receipts every afternoon, enter them into his books and make out his bank deposits. I would ride my bike over there sit in a dirty greasy gas station office add up his receipts with an old timey adding machine then make out his deposit slip. He would in exchange give me all the free R.C. Colas I could drink and all the Moon pies I could eat and pay me $5.00 a week. I know that’s not a lot of money but did you hear me? ALL of the RC COLA and MOONPIES I could keep down! I was thirteen! That job was golden!

My first real life experience working was actually in a hospital. I was sixteen years old and was a H.O.E. student. No that doesn’t mean I was taking lessons on how to street walk and turn tricks. It stands for Health Occupation Education. Our school was trying to help its students get a leg up on their careers. That meant you could “major” in a field of study. My field of choice was medical careers. I wanted to be a psychiatrist just like Lucy in the Peanuts Cartoon. Our H.O.E. director had jobs lined up for us and all we had to do was show up and do what they told us to do. Now several of my fellow H.O.E.s got really cool jobs like drawing blood, others got jobs working in physician’s offices actually taking care of patients. I got to be a nurse’s aide. Yeah I got to clean up grown-up poop.

I didn’t mind though and actually liked the medical field. I had a job at the small hospital in town. My mother was a charge nurse at the big hospital across town; I didn’t work there, thank goodness. I worked diligently for several months on the geriatric wing when one day the director of nursing came to me and asked if I would like to move to the surgery floor. My heart leapt. I had visions of me assisting Dr. Kildare in surgery. “Scalpel” he would say. “Of course doctor.” I would reply. He would be perspiring, because Richard Chamberlain would never sweat, and he would say “Gladys, I just can’t go on. You’re going to have to save this patient. I’m too weak; it is just too much for me.” I would of course answer “Anything for you Dr. Kildare”. I would then save the life of some poor schmuck. Only that isn’t what happened. Oh no, I didn’t get to assist Dr. Kildare or if Dr. Pepper. I was given the dubious title of Surgery Prep Aide. What you ask is that? That is the person who gets to administer enemas, shave hairy legs, butts, arms, chest, and nether regions and generally get you ready to go to surgery. Yeah, I get all the great jobs.

I got pretty good at my job. I learned to keep the patient covered as much as possible keeping both their dignity and my sanity in tact. I was SIXTEEN for crying out loud! I had several close calls with patients getting let’s just say a little excited about where my razor was shaving. I also got several who just got a little excited. Not knowing exactly what to do about this predicament I went to my charge nurse and with a face burning nuclear red said “Ms. Black, um, the patient in room 315 is um, he, um, kinda, um, has um priapism, um and I don’t know um what to do.” Now Nurse Black was about 102 years old. She still wore starched white uniforms and her school nurses cap that looked like a witch’s hat. She blinked her eyes behind her coke-bottle thick glasses and said in her sweet little old lady voice “Just thump it”. I jumped back a bit in disbelief of what she had just said. I asked for clarity “THUMP IT?” She smiled and said that was exactly what I was to do. Thump it and thump it hard is what she told me. She then smiled and told me that thumping it would make it go slack. So I did what she said and went back to the patient’s room and I sucked in a breath again my face was as red as a rooters crown and I walked over to the bed curled my fingers and went THUMP. Nothing happened. The patient looked at me with a curious and somewhat confused expression. I was determined as I have said before I do as I’m told. I explained to him that I needed to shave him for his forthcoming surgery and to do so I needed him in a more relaxed state. I thumped it harder, still nothing. I grabbed a hold of this poor mans member like I was ringing a turkey’s neck and I thumped it as hard as I could, still no change. I was at a loss.

I made my apologies to the patient and stepped quickly back to the nurse’s station to once again inquire what I might do to complete my task. Nurse Black was no longer at the station but was off doing her nurse duties. I found Dr. White instead of Nurse Black. Dr. White just so happened to be an urologist and the patient in 315’s doctor. I told him the problem I was having with the patient and what Nurse Black had instructed me to do. Dr. White’s face made a series of contortions and then he let out the loudest and longest hee-haw I had ever heard. The man laughed and laughed, he sucked air, and then wiped his eyes and a snort leaked out and he started all over again. Once he got some control over himself he explained to me that the patient did indeed have priapism and he was having surgery the next day for this particular malady. His surgery was the REASON for the prep and well he was unable to relax that part of his anatomy no matter how many times I thumped it.

Oh that wasn’t all of my humiliation though. Oh no, not me. I one time had to prep a guy that had dated my sister. He was a big good looking football player who had blown out his knee. I read the chart and there written in the nursing notes was the instructions for surgery prep. It was a standard chest to knees prep with his offending leg being shaved to foot. I was ok with this, I thought. I gathered my razor, my soap, my draping sheet and headed down the hall. Now I always had a secret crush on the football player. He of course asked me a gazillion questions about my sister. He told me how much he always thought of my sister, how pretty, gregarious, sweet and athletic she was, leaving out that she was everything I wasn’t. I chatted for several minutes and then explained what I was going to do complete with the fact it was easier if he were totally undressed. He complied and wrapped the drape over himself and I got busy. I chatted easily with him while I took every bit of blond hair off his chest, then moved on down to his stomach, then a little further south it began to get a little uncomfortable. I began to blush and stutter and he began to look away and whistle. He started talking about dead dogs and baseball. It was uncomfortable but we got through it. He was clean as a whistle from his breast bone all the way down to his big toe. I finished cleaning up my equipment and put fresh sheets on his bed while he got dressed in his stripped hospital gown. I promised I would bring him an A&W root beer float the next day when I came to work and make sure he was doing alright. I then made my way back to the nurse’s station. Nurse Black looked at my equipment, then at my nuclear red face and asked who I had just prepped. I told her and she looked at me a little confused. She walked over to the chart and said “Oh MY! This shouldn’t be here.” Then she chuckled and looked at me again and explained that Mr. Football Star didn’t need to be shaved chin to feet, he only needed his one leg shaved. Then she went on to tell me that he also did not need an enema. I took Mr. FB Star his root beer float the next afternoon and I never told him that he had been unnecessarily roto-rooted and shaved. I remember praying that night for an errant meteor to crash to earth smushing me into molten radioactive mush.

So that was my first job. What was yours?

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Just the Facts Week Ending 4/20/2009

There are a million stories in the city.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 4-20-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 04-14-09
7:41 a.m.
A German Shepherd was sitting on someone’s porch on North Riding in Kalispell. It appeared that she was lost.
Evidently she wasn’t too lost she found a porch to sit on. Maybe she didn't speak English and couldn't read the road signs to find her way home.

12:16 p.m. A woman’s ex-husband wasn’t welcome at her home. He left.
Hence the EX in EX-husband

12:17 p.m. A 15-year-old boy was acting like a rascal.
Which rascal? Spanky? Alfalfa? Buckwheat? Personally my favorite was always Stymie
Mr. Welling: "If you were my kids, I'd punish you."
Stymie: "If we were YOUR kids, we'd punish ourselves!"

.1:01 p.m. There was a fire drill at a veteran’s home.
I would have thought they were used to drilling I mean since they are military.

3:12 p.m. A person called from England about a problem they had with a cat.
What? As in Jolly Old? As in hands across the water? As in on another continent? Don’t they have people who can help with cats in England?

3:15 p.m. A man who is in the process of leaving town said he threw a gun away by accident. He said he thinks it is in a box at the dump.
Sure it was an accident. I’m telling you there are all kinds of oddities at that dump.

8:33 p.m. A sister and brother, who couldn’t get along, were separated for the evening.
Mom! He’s touching me. Tell him to stop touching me.

8:44 p.m. The front door of home on Turtle Mountain Road that has been empty for several months was wide open.
Sounds like Bigfoot found him a cozy cabin.
10:07 p.m. A woman called from Washington to tell authorities her sister was being assaulted. Deputies responded, but no one wanted to file any charges
Wow I wish my sister had that kind of ESP. She could tell me where I lost my keys.

Wednesday 04-15-09

10:12 a.m. A wench was stolen on Prairie View Road.
Was she stolen by a pirate?

10:23 a.m. A 25-year-old man’s mother was worried about him because she hadn’t seen him since April 9. Much to her dismay, the woman found her son in the Lake County Jail on drunken driving charges.
I bet when his mom gets ahold of him he wishes he could just stay in jail.

2:18 p.m. A man said he is worried about a renter of his who recently got out of the slammer. Reportedly, the renter is stealing from his father, driving without a license and doing drugs.
Sounds like an upstanding citizen. I know I would rent to him.

5:16 p.m. Youths were shooting a shotgun in Columbia Falls near a fishing access.
Were they shooting fish in a barrel? I have always heard that expression but I’ve never seen anyone do it. It seems to me it would cause the barrel to drain and you would be able to gather the fish anyway. Come to think of it if they are in a barrel why do you need to shoot them?

5:37 p.m. A storage unit was broken into. Stuff was missing. There is no description.
Of the stuff or of who stole it. If you can’t identify your own stuff then you have too much stuff and maybe who ever stole it really did you a favor.

5:40 p.m. Two pit bulls reportedly chased a jogger on Demersville Road.
What Julius isn’t telling us that before the dogs started their chasing the jogger was just a stroller.

5:43 p.m. Dogs on Trumble Creek, according to a caller, bark at night.
The Eagle Lands at Dawn. Oh wait we aren’t speaking in code?

5:52 p.m. A mother, who was worried about her heartbroken daughter, was relieved to find out she was shopping, not moping.
What was she going to commit suicide via Mastercard?

6:13 p.m. Someone in a white Chevy may have flashed a gun at another driver. They definitely flashed “the bird.”
Good shot. You got that Turkey didn’t you?

6:39 p.m. Reportedly, a deer was stuck on some ice.
Deer on ice? Then shouldn’t it be called venison?

6:40 p.m. Two poodles were at a wildlife refuge. They were domesticated.
I’m glad they were domesticated because I have heard that those Wild Poodles are pretty dangerous. Especially the pink ones.
8:26 p.m. Neighbors on Spotted Bear Road were gesturing to each other.
Maybe they were deaf and speaking sign language.

Thursday 04-16-09
7:24 a.m.
A vehicle on Sherman Lane was repossessed.
Now see I don’t understand this whole repossession thing. Does that mean that it was infected with evil spirits they left and now they are back?
9:05 a.m. A man’s ex stole his refrigerator.
He really wasn’t too upset about the refrigerator he was upset about the beer that was in it.
Him: That bitch! She stole my refrigerator. I want you to arrest her!
Officer: Can you tell me what kind it was.
Him: It was Miller Lite. I had two cases in that fridge.

10:02 a.m. Someone living in a trailer on Frontage Road in Columbia Falls is alleged to be beating puppies.
What to the food bowl? I want to know what he is beating them to?

4:08 p.m. A woman, who was born in 1977, was reportedly “playing in traffic.” She’s from Oregon.
Well that explains everything!

6:40 p.m. Someone heard a woman screaming. Her location is not known.
She is probably in one of those re-possessed cars.

7:52 p.m. An Evergreen business reported that a man in his 20s, who was likely intoxicated, entered their store, used the bathroom and left.
Where? Where did he use the bathroom in the middle of the store? On the frozen foods?

9:50 p.m. A young male, who took the train to Whitefish, had to wait for a ride for almost two hours.
If the train leaves point A at a certain time and the bus leaves point B at a certain time at what time will the boy realize that there is a pay phone to call a cab in the lobby?

10:02 p.m. A 14-year-old girl said her mom pulled her hair.
My mom used to pull my hair too. Her excuse was she was getting the tangles out of it.

11:15 p.m. An intoxicated man took a spill and was transported to the hospital. His injuries weren’t serious enough to stop him from rolling a cigarette before catching a ride.
Glad to see he has his priorities in order

Friday 04-17-09
6:04 a.m. An inmate was tossed in the “soft cell.”
They're coming to take me away, HA HAThey're coming to take me away, HO HO HEE HEE HA HATo the funny farm. Where life is beautiful all the timeAnd I'll be happy to seeThose nice, young men In their clean, white coatsAnd they're coming to take me away, Ha-haaa!
8:16 a.m. Parents were concerned about their son because he had gone for a walk and had not returned. The 49-year-old returned safely – 24 hours later.
Holy SMOKES! He is 49 years old maybe he went out and got laid or something.

10:16 a.m. Another refrigerator was stolen, this time from a model home.
The refrigerator bandit has struck again! Quick chain up your Sub-Zero’s.

11 a.m. Tenants of a home on Alpine Court in Whitefish promised to pay back rent – which they hadn't since September – with their tax return. But when the homeowner knocked on their door, three people from Utah were living in the house. The trio told the homeowner that they were the renters. Apparently, the tardy tenants subleased the home without the owner’s knowledge, failed to pay any of the monies owned and are the employers of the Utahns.
What a tangled web we weave...

6:14 p.m. Some longboarders bombed a hill in Lakeside near Club Trappers Creek. The caller was worried they were going to get smacked by a car.
Gnarly Dude! The waves were bitchin!
7 p.m. A man was reportedly walking and talking to himself in the Middle of Trumble Creek Road. He was gone before authorities arrived.
Was he talking to himself or his invisible friend?
8:08 p.m. Goats followed a car on Valley View Drive. They were returned to their owner.
The evil spirits in the reposssessed car told them to follow.

8:53 p.m. A deputy told a girl on Trumble Creek Road, who looked to be about 5 years old, not to stand by the road and act like she was flagging down cars.
Now you can’t even stand at the curb and wave at cars anymore. What fun is there in being a kid?

10:47 p.m. Someone saw a person on First Avenue East in Kalispell wearing a black shirt, black denim shorts and a “doo-rag” on their head. The “doo-rag” may have been red.
That sounds like everyone in Southern California. Maybe he got lost leaving L.A.
Monday 04-20-09

9:51 a.m. Two girls said a man asked them to help him find his dog. The girls, ages 3 and 5, refused. The man was in a gray truck.
Where is Chris Hanson when you need him?

10:22 a.m. A woman in East Evergreen said her ex is telling their children lies.
I bet he told them that Mommy is the refrigerator bandit.

1 p.m. A woman said she thought someone tried to gain access to her home. The proof, according to the caller, is a lighter and a flashlight she found in her yard. Neither belonged to her. Wow I didn’t know Bigfoot smoked.

11:49 p.m. A man, who was at a bar in Coram, bought a four-wheeler that did not belong to the seller.
Ok let’s assess this.
Mistake # 1…A man, WHO WAS IN A BAR….
Mistake #2….See Mistake #1
Joe Friday Quote of the Week:
Friday: Read it.

Drucker: Why should I read your notebook?

Friday: Just what's printed on the back. Read it. Drucker: I don't get it. Nelson: You heard the man, Drucker--read it!

Drucker (reading): "You have the right to remain silent. If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law..." The rights. So what? You want to hear them backwards?