JUST THE FACTS IS BACK - THE FACTS FOR THE WEEK ENDING 8/28/2018

Once upon a time I used to do this thing called Just The Facts.  I lived in a small town up in Montana and I loved reading the Police Report.  Now with all the information on the whirled wide webs you can get Police Reports from all over the country.  So how happy was I when the other morning while perusing the internets I found these little gems.  So how this works, is I read the report then I write down the first thought that comes to my mind.  It is scary, I know.  I mean you never know what rabbit hole my pea brain will hop down.  So here we go.  I am a little rusty but we will do this together.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 22

• THEFT – 500 block of N.E. 7th Street, 5:20 a.m. Theft of an antique gas pump from a yard was reported.

Was there antique gas in the pump?  Did it make the car miss and sputter like when you get bad gas at the station?

• THEFT – 1300 block of East Hubbard Street, 9:20 a.m. A drive shaft was stolen from a vehicle at an auto dealership.

Hey y’all, you know what would be fun?   Let’s go grab a drive shaft from the Ford dealer.  I mean I could use a new one and you know how simple it is to just sneak in there and grab one.

• CRIMINAL MISCHIEF – 300 block of N.W. 4th Avenue, 11:36 a.m. A woman filed a complaint about moving boxes being left in front of her residence after a Facebook dispute.

Were they magic boxes?  Was she sure there wasn’t something alive in those boxes making them move?  And you know the first thing I do when I’m mad at someone on Facebook is scream right on over to their house and leave magic boxes outside.

• FOUND PROPERTY – 3000 block of N.E. 2nd Street, 7:06 p.m. A man found a phone and turned it over to police.

Well, that was nice of him. 

• DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE – 300 block of S.E. 25th Avenue, 8:44 p.m. A verbal argument took place outside a restaurant.

I told you those were MY fries.  DON’T TOUCH MY FRIES.   Have you seen my phone?

• INFORMATION – 1100 block of S.E. 18th Street, 10:40 p.m. A stepfather reported a child being unruly. The child reported the presence of drugs in the home.

Quid Pro -uhoh!

THURSDAY, AUG. 23

• FOUND PROPERTY – 200 block of South Oak Avenue, 4:08 a.m. Glasses found were turned into the police department.

Now see I totally get this.  I am forever losing my glasses.  I swear I have 40 pairs of glasses and I can’t find any of them.  I didn’t think to look on Oak Avenue

• FRAUD – 1300 block of N.W. 1st Avenue, 9:17 a.m. A family member was accused of fraudulently transferring property into their name.

Hey Kahuna, I see your sisters are at it again. 

• THEFT – 2300 block of East Hubbard Street, 12:03 p.m. Someone used identification to fraudulently purchase three phones on a phone account.

It’s because they lost their phone up there on N.E. 2^nd

• ARREST – Harvey Road, 3:22 p.m. Multiple calls were made regarding a man walking nude near the airport.  Seymore Hiney (made up name) was found and arrested on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct-indecent exposure.

Thankfully I just lose my phone and glasses.  This poor guy lost his clothes

• ANIMAL BITE – 3000 block of N.E. 2nd Street, 6:11 p.m. A man asked to surrender their kitten for the safety of his family.

Wait!  What?  A kitten?  A kitten was a threat to his family’s safety?  What kind of kitten?  A mountain lion? So ferocious!  Run away!  Run away!

• INFORMATION – 2000 block of S.E. 10th Street, 6:45 p.m. A bank in New York complained about a possible threat it received.

Uh?  I’m confused the bank was threatened or the 2000 block of 10^th street?

FRIDAY, AUG. 24

• COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY – 1500 block of U.S. Highway, 11:38 a.m. A store reported counterfeit money being passed.

Maybe they mistook their Monopoly Money for Real Money

• WELFARE CHECK – 600 block of South Oak Avenue, 12:34 p.m. Young children were found in the middle of the street unsupervised.

When I was a kid this was called playing.  We all did it.  We would play in the street until a car came and then the look out would yell CAR and we would go to the side of the street until it passed.  Heck our parents TOLD us to go play in the street.

SATURDAY, AUG. 25

• ASSAULT – 2200 block of N.E. 4th Street, 8:18 p.m. A neighbor allegedly assaulted another neighbor.

Get off my LAWN!

SUNDAY, AUG. 26

• PORNOGRAPHY – 3800 block of Ram Boulevard, 11:52 a.m. A report was made and investigation initiated into a student using their school-issued laptop Friday to access an Internet chat site and showing to students men performing lewd sex acts. The student also reportedly turned the laptop's camera so that the men could see other students in the classroom.

Well I’ve never heard of them teaching Sex-Ed this way.

MONDAY, AUG. 27

• ASSAULT – 600 block of S.W. 13th Street, 8:36 a.m. A man stated his wife is off her medication and becomes aggressive at times.

I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.

TUESDAY, AUG. 28

• THEFT – 2300 block of South Oak Avenue, 10:29 p.m. A woman said her estranged husband stole her cell phone.

So she went to the 600 block of 13^th street.  See she wasn’t off her meds

All right folks, as the officers who are the keepers of the Duck of Justice, The Bangor Maine Police Department, say keep your hands to yourselfs, leave other peoples stuff alone and be kind to each other. 

Just The Facts 4-4-2011

I have been remiss in report the goings on in the Flathead Valley.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 4-4-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Christie Burns (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 3/23/2011



7:20 a.m. A woman “screaming at the top of her lungs” could be heard over an open line to 911. A Kalispell man was arrested for assault after biting and hitting the woman.

This would explain the screaming at the top of her lungs.

4:52 p.m. A Hungry Horse girl reported that her 15-year-old brother pushed her into a mud puddle then rode away on his bike.
You can call the police for that? REALLY? Man I would have kept the PD busy with Buck’s shinnanagins
5:22 p.m. A Martin City woman threatened to “gut” some people during a phone call..
Gut? Not just stick a shive in but to gut them? Wow!

3:07 a.m. A Martin City woman said she found some bruises on her body from two days ago.
Maybe it was from all that gutting she was doing.

Monday 3/28/2011

8:15 a.m. A man on Ridgewood Drive believes someone stole his identification and is collecting his unemployment.
How did that happen? I mean do you just walk into the unemployment office and throw down McLovin’s I.D. and say “give me my check”?

8:22 a.m. A Kila man was upset that someone had dumped a couch in his driveway. He also complained about a lack of green box sites and talked the about government conspiracies.
Yes, it is the great Couch Conspiriacy. What? You haven’t heard of it? Yes it has to do with a grassy knoll, the CIA and the Mafia and Mel Gibson.
10:44 a.m. A home on Brook Drive was toilet papered and egged sometime last week. Also, Feces was left on the front door step.
I don’t understand. They obviously had plenty of T.P. why leave it on the door step?

5:50 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that he slapped his wife.
Was he feeling guilty so he called or was he trying to beat her to it?

3:45 a.m. A man on West Reserve Drive complained about his neighbor’s excessively loud sexual activity. She was advised to quiet down.
Well that is embarrassing.
Tuesday 3/29/2011

10:20 a.m. A woman on Wettington Drive claimed her ex-boyfriend threw a tantrum and trashed her house during an argument over a neighbor. He was calm and putting away misplaced items when deputies arrived.
Well at least he picked up after himself.
1:54 p.m. A man on Kings Loop thinks someone stole a little bit of his firewood while he was moving. He hid the rest of the wood for the remainder of the move.
Where would you hide fire wood?
2:57 p.m. A stray dog took over a valley resident’s doghouse. The stray was taken by the animal warden to a bigger better dog house on Cemetery Road.

Would that make him a dog squatter?
7:09 p.m. An unfamiliar man was seen squatting and smoking a cigarette in the yard of an elderly couple’s peach house. Deputies found that the squatter was someone visiting the residents.
Was he sent to a bigger better house to squat on Cemetary road too?

Wednesday 3/30/2011

8:01 a.m. Someone in a silver Lexus on Highway 93 reportedly drove really fast, honked the horn then showed someone their middle finger.
Sounds like someone up there knows California sign language.
10:17 a.m. There is talk of litter on Goat Trail in Whitefish.
Was it the Goats talking of it?


8:21 p.m. Someone on Foothill Drive said a suspicious but clean-cut man tried to sell them meat out of his truck.

Yes I’m usually suspicious of men trying to sell me meat.
9:25 p.m. According to spectators, a Hungry Horse man ripped off his shirt then pushed a woman to the ground. She got up and punched him. The two left the scene on foot, beer cans in hand.
Was it the Hulk and Wonderwoman?

2:57 a.m. Someone reported a drunken person recklessly driving round and round the roundabout.
Well if they weren’t drunk before they will be now.
Thursday 3/31/2011
12:39 a.m. Someone tattled on the driver of an 80s Camaro who “squealed” their tires at a stop sign on Third Street West.

Dude! It’s a 1980’s Camaro, it can’t help but squeal its tires.
1:06 a.m. A Martin City woman believes a weird kid down the street called and told her she would die if she crossed the street. She also said that grownups have been throwing things at her house and the two incidents may be related.
Just another confirmation of that conspiriacy theory.
Sunday 4/3/2011
8:40 a.m. A Hungry Horse woman reported that her drunken ex-husband violated their parenting plan when he called the night prior and asked what kind of panties she was wearing.
Just exactly what kind of parenting plan would that be?
10:24 a.m. A small poodle wearing a red sweater ran away from its home on Smoke Ridge in Kila last night.
At least he was dressed warmly.

10:45 a.m. A truckload of wood was stolen from a home in Hungry Horse.
They should have hidden it.
3:01 p.m. A Kila woman said her ex-husband yelled at their daughter and made her cry. He then took away some of her stuff.

I didn’t realize Alec Baldwin’s ex lived in Montana.
10:30 p.m. A woman on Park Street reported that her 15-year-old daughter hit her and may have bitten her. At the time of the call she was trashing her room.
Just because your daughter is mean to you is no reason to trash her room

Now go on and be careful out there.

Just The Facts 8-2-2010

There are a million stories in the city.






Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.





"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 8-2-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Erin Cole (comments by Gladys) Good job Erin!

Monday 7/12/2010
2:31 a.m. A bear was spotted peeping into windows in Martin City.

Wow I didn’t know Yogi was a pervert.
8:56 a.m. A Flathead Valley driver reported that another driver passed him in a fit of road rage, flipped them off and “possibly brandished a gun.” Both vehicles were located, the drivers were counseled and no gun was located.
Dude that wasn’t a gun, that was his finger!
9:14 a.m. A Columbia Falls resident reported receiving a threatening phone call.
6:38 p.m. The aforementioned Columbia Falls resident received another threatening phone call.
Um...don’t answer the phone.
9:08 p.m. Another 911 hang up occurred. Dispatch called the number back, but the caller hung up again. A moment later, the caller called dispatch back. He explained that everything was now OK, but that his lawnmower had been on fire a few minutes before. As he had managed to put it out, he no longer required any assistance.
How do you set your lawn mower on fire? What are you using as fuel? Pure corn alk-hee-hall?

Friday 7/16/2010
9:49 a.m. After observing a man walking along Highway 93 for 1.4 hours, someone became concerned that he “might get too hot” as he wasn’t wearing a hat or sunglasses. Deputies checked on the man, who said he was fine, despite the lack of cranium accessories.
Really? You called 911 because a man didn’t have on a hat?
9:55 a.m. Mischievous criminals did some criminal mischief to a school bus on FFA drive.
Sounds like some miscreants were up to michief.
12:59 p.m. Someone stole two rolls of toilet paper from a building on Grand Drive in Bigfork.

Again, YOU CALLED 911 TO REPORT THIS? TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER? Heck in my house 2 rolls of toilet paper get flushed down the toilet hourly, now THAT is a crime! Did anyone look to see where Mr. Whipple was?

8:26 p.m. After poking around in a West Glacier campsite, a black bear had the sense to run away when authorities were alerted.
Well at least he wasn’t peeking in the windows..
10:32 p.m. A dog giving a four-hour barking solo on Dale Drive failed to meet with a receptive audience.
Well maybe he was practicing for the opera. Maybe he had a lot to say. Maybe he was trying to alert you to Timmy being trapped in the well.

12:09 a.m. A mountain lion would not leave a residence on Rockwood Road or “stop messing” with the reporting party’s dogs. Fish and Game were notified.
See I told you he was trying to tell you something. He was trying to tell you there was a mountain lion outside wanting to eat your face.  But did you listen NOOOO!  You called 911 instead to complain about a barking dog.
3:12 a.m. A drunk couple on Somer’s Road were arguing about who was going to drive the other home.
Oh yeah that is always a good one. I wonder who won?
Monday 7/19/2010
10:31 a.m. A garden in Hungry Horse suffered intense human-wrought damages.
Now I’m sorry if this is a little to graphic but what type of human wrought damages were they? Fertilizer?  Hey that's just the way my mind works.
10:31a.m. Someone spotted a transient on the ground along Highway 2 and thought he was injured. It turned out that the man was actually taking a catnap.
Hey sometimes just stretching out in the sun by the side of the road is relaxing.

5:44 p.m. A husband and wife, evidently unhappy about something, engaged in a verbal dispute in Happy Valley. Deputies counseled the couple.
Once again Happy Valley is very unhappy.  You know I just got to say this.  We don't have any clue what these poor law enforcement people put up with.  Thanks again for doing such a great job!
10.08 p.m. A man with a fist of steel punched out a vehicle’s windshield in Hungry Horse. Deputies spotted him but he eluded capture by running into the woods.
Was it Lee Majors? Was it the 6 million dollar man?

Tuesday 7/20/2010
6:52 p.m. A young man was spotted jumping off the Whitefish River Bridge in an acrobatic manner.
Was it Billy Joe McAllister?

12:38 a.m. During a night out drinking at the Blue Moon Nite Club in Columbia Falls, a woman caught her boyfriend canoodling with another woman in the bar’s parking lot. Of her own admission, the girlfriend “whacked” him in the head, causing his hat to fall off. The boyfriend, who claimed he had just been “talking to a female friend outside,” went to the couple’s home and began throwing his girlfriend’s clothes out of the bedroom. For reasons not entirely known, both halves of the couple were taken to jail.
Really? They were canoodling right there in the bar in front of God and everybody? Oh wait what does canoodling mean?
3:32 a.m. A man wearing a hooded sweat shirt, was running down a street in Somers kicking mailboxes. While the reporting party claims the suspect is around six feet tall, he was unable to confirm if any mailboxes had been damaged.
Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting... they were fast as lightening

Wednesday 7/21/2010
3:25 p.m. Someone violated his restraining order by trying to contact a person in North Dakota.
Yeah, that’s why they call it a restraining order, numb nuts. You are supposed to restrain yourself. Unfortunately there are way too many dumb-asses out there who don’t realize this and they end up in the pokey because they just can't restrain themselves.
7:15 p.m. A vehicle parked at the Teakettle Boat Launch was broken into and several items might have been removed.
Sounds like a tempest in a teakettle to me.
7:52 p.m. Two women were spotted a smoking marijuana-like substance while sitting inside a vehicle in Bigfork. Deputies were unable to locate them.
It was only clove cigarettes, honest!
11:46 a.m. A Hungry Horse resident reported that his neighbors were fighting and yelling and that the woman was armed with a rolling pin. Deputies separated the couple for the night
Evidently her mother didn’t teach her that you use an iron skillet. It is much more effective.

Thursday 7/22/2010
11:25 a.m. A resident living on Tally Lake Road nailed a sign on his property that displayed a string of profanity. After the sheriff’s department called the property owner and left a message, the owner called back and said he would discuss the matter with them “tomorrow.”
Do you think he’s singing “The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet you bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun...”

5:23 p.m. Several kids were spotted jumping in front of an approaching train in Evergreen. The authorities, who were unable to locate the kids, suspect they are not the brightest crayons in the box.
Yep I would bet that their Happy Meals are a few fries short.
8:53 p.m. After spotting a man lying prostrate in a ditch at mile marker five on Farm to Market Road, someone called an ambulance. When medics arrived, they discovered the man was perfectly fine, just deep asleep and snoring.
Again sometimes it is relaxing lying in the sun by the side of the road.  They must be really comfortable ditches.

Friday 7/23/2010
10:19 a.m. A concerned person reported that an elderly woman wearing her pajamas was strolling along Trumble Creek Road. The woman turned out to be fine.
Geeze can’t I go for a stroll in my pj’s without everybody thinking I have dementia? What was I saying again? You want a PB &; J? Who are you?

Monday 7/26/2010
1:26 a.m. West of Whitefish on Highway 93, a man was attempting to kick vehicles as they drove past. Deputies, who were unsure of what sport the man was playing, called for a timeout and drove him home.
Ah yes, the age old game of car soccer.  Where is my vulvuzala?
Tuesday 7/27/2010
8:33 a.m. A lost Chihuahua was discovered in Columbia Falls. The dog is reportedly fine, but unfortunately still resembles a small rodent.
Don’t they all?
8:37 a.m. A Westwood Lane resident is upset that his neighbor is keeping skunks at his house. The animals apparently keep getting loose and onto his property.
Skunks in his HOUSE? WTF? I bet his name is Stinky isn’t it?
1:04 p.m. A riding lawn mower was stolen from a Columbia Falls residence.
Was it on fire?
3:56 p.m. Several juveniles were once again jumping on and off the train tracks in Evergreen and throwing items at passing trains. Deputies warned them they could be charged with criminal trespass.
Doesn't look like those kids found their missing fries. 
4:31 p.m. A Boxer was spotted chasing children in Martin City.
Which boxer? Muhammed Ali or Mike Tyson?  Float like a butterfly...
Wednesday 7/28/2010
4:01 p.m. An intoxicated man was wandering around Highway 2 East near Kalispell, yelling at people because he was “trying to buy weed.”
My yard is full of weeds. Do you think he would want to buy my weeds?
4:02 p.m. Remember the Chihuahua that someone rescued yesterday? Today the Good Samaritan reported that the dog had bitten him.
It had giant fangs. I think I soiled myself.

6:33 p.m. A young man was chased by a boxer cross in Martin City. He escaped injury and the owners were warned.
Dang it Mike! Stop chasing kids.

Thursday 7/29/2010
9:42 p.m. Numerous men stood in a front yard on Canyon Road in Hungry Horse, while punching, yelling and hitting one another. When deputies arrived, everyone denied there was a “situation” and no one wanted to file a complaint. As deputies noted, the first rule about Fight Club is that is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

Friday 7/30/2010
3:06 p.m. A frequent flier of the county jail was awarded another trip to the Crowbar Hotel after he was arrested on Meridian Road for an outstanding warrant.
Wow I wonder if he gets points for that?
303 p.m. A Martin City resident called to report the theft of her neighbor’s bowl.
Why didn’t her neighbor report it? Edna you have the bowl don’t you? It is my favorite macaroni and cheese bowl and you have it and you are saying that someone stole it so you can keep it. I know it’s you EDNA!
2:42 a.m. A man reported getting kicked “in the *expletive* face” in Lakeside.
What kind of face is that? I mean this is a happy face  This is a sad face  what is an expletive face?

Just The Facts for the Week Ending 6-22-2010

It has been a while since I’ve done the local police report so I thought I would share it with you.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 6-22-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Erin Cole (comments by Gladys)  Good job Erin!

Wednesday, 6/9/2010
6:40 a.m. Sometime during the night, a thief made off with some booty after a homeowner on Treasure Island Way in Kalispell noticed a purse and some other belongings were missing.
What did they expect? Living on Treasure Island and all.  I think I saw this guy making off with the booty.

Thanks janisluvj.com

Hey he can make off with my booty any time.

12:56 p.m. After missing several business appointments in the area, a Colorado man was reported missing. He was eventually located in a jail cell, where he landed after too much drinking and fishing resulted in a DUI.
Okay I understand how too much drinking can land you in jail; but too much fishing??
4:11 p.m. A person on North Foys Lake Road called and said he had heard “bullets zinging past” his head. The report turned out to be unfounded.

This came from theawesomer.com

Those weren’t bullets they were mosquitoes the size of 747’s.

Thursday 6/10/2010

7:40 a.m. A Columbia Falls woman reported that her neighbor hurled a dead chicken at her pigs.
A dead chicken? Maybe it was a life chicken until it hit Porky right between the eyes. Are you sure it wasn’t some sort of barn yard hazing ritual?  Or maybe she was part of some strange South American cult.

10:44 a.m. The Trade Commission called a Bigfork woman and told her that her husband had won $750,000 but needed to pay a $2,100 insurance fee for the check’s safe delivery. The woman wisely saw through the scam and contacted authorities.
Before or after she sent them the $2100?

4:45 p.m. A forensic anthropologist determined that bones found on Conrad Drive in Kalispell were those of an animal and not of a human.
What was the first clue? The fact it had four legs and paws or that it had an elongated head and claws?

go look at other oddities at unexplained-mysteries.com

11:38 p.m. During a cell phone conversation with his daughter, a parent overheard her and her boyfriend moving furniture out of the family’s Whitefish home. As the parent had not asked for any furniture to be moved, he contacted the authorities.

Man I want a bionic ear too.   You know the one they advertise on T.V. where the nosey old neighbor listens in to everything the two friends say about her? 

yeah the one you didn't need to hear Billy Mayes and not the one being advertised by Lee Majors.  LEE MAJORS PEOPLE!  The Bionic Man, who could outrun a train and jump over really high things and hear a crime being commited 6 miles away is now advertising hearing aides.  OH MY GAWD I AM OLD!!




1:52 a.m. A couple camping at Glacier Campground awoke to discover a bear prowling near their tent. The couple decided to spend the night in their vehicle, armed with bear spray and guns.

Now see I would have spent the night in my car too. Two states away.  Remind me to tell you about me and the bear sometime.

5:44 p.m. In Columbia Falls, someone used an axe to destroy another person’s lawn mower.
See Harold! I told you not to mow the grass at 6 a.m. on Saturday.

6:38 p.m. Two medium-sized bears, one black, the other sporting cinnamon-colored fur, were spotted on Many Lakes Drive. The bears allegedly display an overly-friendly disposition to people.

Was it Yogi and Booboo?
9:17 p.m. In Kalispell, a man was “running around outside and acting crazy” and looking under his trailer and boat for law enforcement officials. Suspecting an overdose, authorities had the man transferred to the hospital.
Maybe he was running from the bears.

Friday 6/11/2010
4:12 p.m. A dead skunk was left in a mailbox on White Birch Lane in Kalispell.
Geeze does the madness never end? A couple of months ago someone left a beaver in a mailbox. This redneck mafia is way out of hand.  "Hey Bubba, I want chew to make dis guy an offer he can't refuse..."

8:26 p.m. Suspicious circumstances, of an unknown nature, were reported happening behind the Rainbow Bar. An investigation is ongoing.
Maybe it was just a bunch of drunk leprachans hiding their pots of gold.

Monday 6/14/2010

2:15 p.m. An intoxicated adult male passed out in a Kalispell gas station bathroom. When authorities found him, he was clutching a beer.
Hum I wonder why he passed out?  Did someone draw a mustach on him too?

12:49 a.m. A car, with its lights turned off, repeatedly drove up and down Sleepy Hollow Road. Deputies cannot confirm if Ichabod Crane was in the neighborhood at the time.

Thanks Erin, I don’t have to say a word on this one.

Tuesday 6/15/2010

3:19 p.m. When a Whitefish woman woke up from an afternoon siesta, she discovered her vehicle missing. Authorities discovered it parked four streets away.

Was she clutching a beer in her hand?
10:56 p.m. A family disturbance was reported on Peaceful Drive in Bigfork.
Guess it wasn't very peaceful was it?

Wednesday 6/16/2010

11:41 a.m. Kalispell’s own sporadic nudist made an appearance at a local park. Deputies failed to locate him.
He would be the naked guy on the merry-go-round clutching his beer.

8:40 p.m. Unsurprisingly, loud music was heard on College Avenue.
6:07 a.m. When asked by a Martin City resident why they were driving around at such an early hour, two males replied that they were siphoning gas.
Well at least they are honest thieves.
Monday 6/21/2010
1:39 a.m. An intoxicated woman took refuge behind a Columbia Falls bar as she was “afraid of the bears.” Deputies assisted her home.

Why were they trying to hide her car and take her beer?

Joe Friday quote for the week:
Friday: "All right, tunnel-mouth, let's all save time! Last April a police officer was shot. We think you and this shotgun did it."

No go on and be careful out there!

Just The Facts for the Week Ending 4/12/2010

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 4-12-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)



Thursday 4/1/2010

3:13 p.m. Deputies counseled the 8-year-old boy who allegedly bounced his 6-year-old brother’s head off the pavement outside their home. The child’s parents will continue to handle the situation.
Isn’t this what all siblings do? Bounce each other’s heads off the pavement? A couple of years ago Matilda and I took a Yoga class together. We were given the task of standing on our heads. Matilda told me she would hold my legs while I stood on my head, only she let go and I fell on my head. She said it reminded her of when I was younger.

5:37 p.m. An injured seagull was seen on the side of Highway 93. The report was passed on to Kalispell Police Department.
I see a couple of problems with this report. One is that the seagull is in MONTANA. Montana is not near the ocean. There is no sea, no beaches, no big waves. Second why was the police department notified? Did it commit a crime?

Tuesday 4/6/2010
9:15 a.m. A man on Harmony Road claims that his ex-wife took the riding lawn mower. The two will be resolving the civil issue on their own.
Here we go again. PEOPLE! YOU LIVE ON HARMONY ROAD! Try to get along!
Also and too, I have a vision of George Jones riding down the road on his lawn mower.

1:42 p.m. A yelling, screaming, intoxicated woman refused to leave a Hungry Horse residence. The disturbance was verbal only.
Was she sitting on a riding lawn mower?

Wednesday 4/7/2010

4:21 a.m. Someone on Mountain View Drive claims that his ex-girlfriend stole his puppy.
Man first she takes his John Deere then she takes his dog. This is sounding more and more like a Country and Western song.
11:46 a.m. Someone on Conn Road suspects a friend of stealing money from them.
Um, your first clue should have been you live on CONN road.

Thursday, 4/8/2010
9:27 a.m. A Whitefish resident called to report that someone might have tried to steal their hot tub.
If they stole it then it would be hot wouldn’t it? And didn’t they just make a movie about a hot tub?


5:41 p.m. Power lines fell into a hot tub in Whitefish.
Now that is a HOT tub!

Just The Facts for the Week of 3-15-2010

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 3-15-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

 

Tuesday 3/9/2010
5:49 a.m. A patient at a local rehabilitation facility reports that their prescription medication went missing.
Sounds like Dr. Drew is at it again.

11:25 a.m. Apparently, an elderly couple neglected to pay for their meal at a local café. It is unknown whether this was an intentional act.
This is when dementia comes in handy.

2:20 p.m. Someone called to report finding a puddle of blood near a condominium in Lakeside. Police confirmed that it was in fact a small puddle of blood but were unable to locate the source of the leak.
Am I the only person picturing a guy walking around with a cork stuck in a bullet hole?

Wednesday 3/10/2010

2:37 p.m. A Columbia Falls man called for help in removing his wife’s boyfriend from the home.
Now I wonder what that 9*1*1 call sounded like:
9-1-1


Caller: Yes, um, my wife’s boyfriend is in my house and I can’t get him out.


9-1-1 Operator – Have you called a pest control company?


Caller: Yes I called Smith and Wesson but figured I better call you before I used them.

7:37 p.m. A possibly suicidal man on Highway 35 was not in fact suicidal. Authorities contacted him and found that he was on his way to dinner
Death by chocolate?

Thanks to thevinylvillage.com for the image.

Thursday 3/11/2010
4:54 p.m. A local man reports that a woman tried to run him over while he was riding his bike on Antelope Trail. This was highly unusual, as the woman evidently has a restraining order against him.
Maybe he needs to reciprocate.

5:15 p.m. A Whitefish resident reports that someone entered their home and took their medicinal marijuana.
Sure isn’t it all medicinal these days?

Friday 3/12/2010
6:39 p.m. A concerned Bigfork resident called to report that a deer was sporting a clothesline or badminton net around its neck. The deer was gone when authorities arrived
Maybe it was trying to make a fashion statement.

Monday 3/15/2010

9:59 a.m. A vehicle was reportedly stolen from a locked garage on Creekside Drive. It is unknown how this phenomenon occurred.
Maybe it was a Close Encounter of the Third Kind


12:05 p.m. An antique stove was reportedly stolen from a porch on Burly Bear Trail.
Maybe it was beamed up too.

1:11 p.m. Someone evidently stole elk antlers from a local lodge.
Wow sounds like an alien crime spree

2:22 p.m. A Bigfork resident called to report that their dog had been stolen
Yep sounds like alien cat burglar or in this case a dog burglar.

7:55 p.m. Police helped remove an unwanted male subject from a Bigfork home. The man had previously been romantically involved with the reporting party’s daughter.
Maybe he should make friends with the aliens.

Just the Facts for the Week of 3-5-2010

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 3-5-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

Thursday 2/25/2010

10:35 a.m. A carpet shampooer was stolen from a home on Grandale Avenue.
Gosh I hope they break in my house and shampoo my carpet.
11:05 a.m. A backyard on Riverside Drive was buried in twenty feet of earth following the collapse of a nearby bluff. No structures were harmed in the slide.
I guess it wasn’t bluffing.

1:05 p.m. Several items of furniture were stolen from a home on Blackmer Lane. It appears that the burglar also attempted to take the TV but failed due to its large size.
See honey, I told ya that’s why we needed a big TeeVee.

1:11 p.m. A black lab allegedly attacked a poodle in Hungry Horse.
She was loving him not attacking him.

8:14 p.m. Twenty-two gunshots were heard by a Marion resident within the course of twenty minutes. The reporting party suspected a neighbor, but officers found nothing suspicious in the area.
Maybe it was a twenty-one plus one gun salute.

9:53 p.m. A Somers resident requested that authorities check on a hitchhiker, described as sporting a mustache and a plaid overcoat.
Sounds like a 70’s porn star.

1:57 a.m. A big-screen TV posed a road hazard on the corner of Second and Main.
That is called a DRIVE-IN MOVIE not a big screen TV.

Friday 2/26/2010

9:09 a.m. A Bigfork resident found a strange-looking notice on their property. The unusual posting turned out to be from a mortgage company.
It’s not at all unusual in Southern California, Florida or Michigan.

11:52 p.m. A “man down” near the Columbia Falls post office did not need medical attention but was in fact highly intoxicated.
Hence why he was “man down”

Monday 3/1/2010
4:30 p.m. A pit bull named Damien apparently frightened an individual in Lakeside.
REALLY? You named your pit bull Damien?
Tuesday 3/2/2010
7:50 a.m. An employee of a local business reportedly arrived at work intoxicated and was therefore not wanted at that location. The subject was evidently too drunk to drive.
Hum, wonder what kind of job you can be too intoxicated for?
8:03 a.m. Windows were broken out of a bus in Whitefish.
Oh, now it makes sense.

4:25 p.m. In Columbia Falls, a group of leather-clad motorcycle enthusiasts refused to leave a resident’s property. The subjects were gone when authorities arrived.
Heavy metal thunder….head out on the highway…
Wednesday 3/3/2010

8:31 p.m. A resident of River Place in Evergreen does not appreciate it when people walk across the reporting party’s yard.
Was it this guy?

1:40 p.m. A male subject called the emergency room and indicated that he wanted to kill another man and his wife. He stated that he had a rifle but preferred to beat and club them. Authorities located the individual and brought him in for a mental health evaluation.
I personally prefer rocket launchers but hey to each his own.

Thursday 3/4/2010
12:02 p.m. Evidently, a man was seen repeatedly falling off his bike and into traffic on Highway 2 West.
Was it Tyrone?

Friday 3/5/2010

12:56 p.m. The body of a deceased male was found frozen in the snow near Essex, and had evidently been there for months. Cause of the individual’s death was not immediately apparent on the scene.
Maybe he froze to death.
2:16 p.m. A man and woman argued about prescription medications on Kings Loop.
Those are my tranquilizers damit!
6:15 p.m. Police returned to Kings Loop to contend with a woman who was beating a car with a shovel following an argument about prescription medications. The woman was given a ride to a friend’s house.
I told you I needed my valium.
7:08 p.m. A man on Kings Loop called to report that a woman with whom he had previously argued about prescription medication had returned to the home. She in fact only wanted to return her car and was soon on her way.
Thank GAWD I got my drugs back now I can drive.