Diary of A Mountain Woman in a Strange Place

It has been several months since I left my mountain cabin. I loaded up the buggy and made my way southwest. I have been told the climate is much more amiable and the scenery is interesting if not as spectacular as those of the glaciers of northwest Montana.

I have noted that it is much more populated here in the Santa Juan’s. I see more people and fewer animals. I did spot a few small deer the other morning outside my camp but they don’t compare to these deer from last summer. I don’t venture out much here in the desert regions. It seems every plant and animal is prickly and sticky. You walk past and are instantly assaulted by sickly odors or spiney protrusions. The absence of fresh water is abundantly evident in the dryness and crispness in everything around me. How can some place with so much water be so thirsty?

Today I resolved that I would go out and shoot something. It had been much too long. I ventured out of camp. I spotted a tree with a cavern large enough for a full grown person to sleep. I saw strange formations on the ground. Markers from those who had gone before. Then I ventured out to the trail.

I read this:

I turned around and went back into my camp where it was safe and turned on Oprah. I don’t think she’ll eat my face off.

In The Dark

Windblown and scattered. It is amazing that one tree can bring down a whole town's electrical grid.

Finally after packing boxes and cleaning up the kitchen I stepped into the shower. The water was warm and soothing and I had just poured a cup full of vinegar in my hair when everything went black. I stood there frozen for a moment waiting for the light. Nothing. Not a sound, not a glimmer just darkness. I finished rinsing my hair and grabbed a towel. Then I heard a pop and the whir of the printer and the television trying to start up again. Out of the bath I ran toward the kitchen table where our make-shift work area is set up. Then pop out it went again. I started unplugging appliances one by one frantic to make sure they did not receive a power spike.

It's dark and I'm scared.

Vuuum, whirr, the printer tried to start up once again before I grabbed the plug then it stopped. I ran to the window and looked out over the neighbor’s ginormous house that is normally lit up like a Christmas tree. It too was dark. There are no lights in the bathroom so I scrounged for a candle and a lighter which I found one but not the other. The candle did me no good without fire. I am not survivor man. I am not able to rub two sticks together and produce a roaring fire and cook cat poop tea. I am at a loss. I returned to a dark shower and felt my way through the rest of my morning routine.

The wind was whipping outside and the tall pines were swaying dangerously to and fro. I sat wet headed and impotent. I could not run my computer and peruse the web. I could not watch one of the five million news channels and find out if the swine flu had reached the moon yet. I grabbed my coffee and took a sip only to swallow room temperature café au lait.

This is the repair crew.

What is a mountain woman to do? I am sure a REAL mountain woman would have gathered enough pine straw and deer poop to get a flame going. She would have built a roaring fire in the fireplace and then lit her candles from there. Then she would have roasted her freshly obtained 50 lb trout that she had caught with her bare hands from the frozen lake.

Could you reach in and grab one for me?

I am no mountain woman. I am a survivor. I drove to the next town and got a coffee and spent my time in the book store.

That is how I survive.

Did I mention it was daytime?

The Mountain Woman's Diary 3-28

It has been a long cold winter. The sky has been grey more days than not and just when I think the snow has stopped and spring will return another storm blows in. The chill in the air has changed from a dry snow to a wet slushy mess. It becomes more and more difficult to venture out. I have holed up in my cabin with you my dear diary as my only friend. I have found myself relying on my memory to fill me with the warmth of summer and my imagination to remind me of warm tropical breezes.

I have been feeding Festus, the injured deer, regularly hoping he too will survive out the rest of winter. He has improved immensely over the last several months. His broken leg seems to have set itself although it’s a little askew and he seems not to miss his tail. He is still very skittish but will approach to feed if I keep my distance. He has brought with him many friends. They all seem to congregate around the homestead now looking for a hand-out.

The snow melts and they are able to find some grasses and acorns only for it to fall once again and cover their feeding grounds. They bed down in the snow and rest conserving their energy until once again they are able to uncover the scarce tidbits of fodder to keep them going until spring.

I must go now diary. I am out of supplies and I must trudge through the muck and the mire before the next heavy snow hits. I will keep in mind my forest friends and return with supplies to share.

They really like hearts of roman, apples and corn on the cob. I sure hope Costco hasn’t sold out.

January 7 Excerpt from the Mountain Woman

January 7, Entry

I holed up in my cubby as long as I could. I knew that I had too venture out and get some staples. I didn't want to go out as the ice was hanging low on the eves and the snow was piled up. I knew that eventually I would be completely out of flour and sugar.

I bundled up resigned to leave my warm fire. I donned my boots and headed out.

I cleared the snow off the wagon and hitched up the team.

As I rolled down the road headed towards civilizaton I thought how clear and clean everything looked. Even with the grey of the clouds and the snow falling it is still a beautful place.

There were pockets of clarity then it would go misty and snowy once again. The road was icy but the wagon lumbered on.

I rolled along seeing other travelers out on this snowy day. Some on much more important missions than mine. Some in need of doctoring.Some in need of nourishment.Others well... I understand they have Tattoos While You wait.

I push on to the general store. I push on because I know that I will never make it through the rest of the winter with the paltry supplies I have left in my larder. I push on to trade with the local mercantile.

Finally I arrived at Planet Squalmart. Where life is never dull and there always a few characters.

In the Snow- A Mountain Woman Excerpt

December 28

I look down on the lake from the high up on the mountain slopes. The view is breathtaking.

The snow was coming down in big fluffy puffs. The snow coming down was a dry snow not like normal. Not wet and sticky. I knew that each step I took it would be filled within seconds. I trudged upward. I had seen tracks and knew that there was something to be found at the top of the mountain.

The wind was quiet for the moment and there were all sorts of calls and hoots going on around me. In these canyons the sound carries a long way. Was what I was hearing close or far away? Was it around the next turn. I did not recognize the sounds I heard. They were of some type of animal that I not yet encountered. Perhaps the dreaded Yetti. Or perhaps it was just the echos of the forest creatures reverberating off the snow through the trees and into the quiet of the afternoon. I felt confident there was large game here on the face of the mountain and hoped that I would wonder upon a large buck or perhaps a doe. It is so important to stock up for the harder times. I daydreamed of the clothes I would make out of the skins and the meat that I would store in my smokehouse.

Was this perhaps the sounds of bucks fighting over a doe? Maybe it was the sound of the owls coming out to scrounge for varmints. Just then I came out of the brush and saw this! OH MY! IS THIS THE DREADED YETTI?

I jumped back into the bush and hid. Then I saw more of these strange creatures.

They were flying through the air on chairs. What fresh hell is this?

I came to my senses and out of my imagination and realized where I was. I was on the ski slopes and I don't ski. Go here and you'll see why. There in the distance was

Kahuna blessing the snow.

I'll be in the lodge having a hot buttered rum. Care to join me?

Excerpt #2 From The Mountain Woman's Diary

I had been on the mountain for several days scouting for a buck, a five point would be good. It didn't matter whether it was white tail or a mule deer. I knew it was rutting season. I knew if I could find a doe then there would be several bucks around vying for her attentions. I had walked miles and miles. My hands were frozen and my feet felt like they were being stuck by a thousand needles. I hadn’t seen any signs of deer. There had not been any rain or snow in awhile which made it more difficult to track my prey. Luckily during the late night and early morning the skies turned a soft white and began its light dusting of snow. The temperatures dropped and the snowed stopped opening the dawn up to a bright day.

I broke camp and bundled up my belongings feeling that today would be the day I would bring down a buck big enough to last through the rest of the winter. With no horse I knew that if I killed too big a deer I would never be able to pack the meat out and I would be forced to leave too much to the buzzards and coyotes. My only hope is that I will find a suitable animal and then be able to get it dressed out before a mountain lion or pack of wolves smell the blood and come to investigate.

I never dreamed when I left the city that I would be forced into foraging and hunting. I never dreamed that I would be in the woods all alone following tracks and fending off wild animals and praying to God to steady my hand and sharpen my eye. I had been fighting that panic of quiet loneliness even though I had the grandeur of nature all around me. It was difficult coming from the crowded loud city to the peaceful quiet of this country. I had begun to see why people first settled here and why they still come by the wagon full. I also could see from just the short time I had spent in the freezing woods why they left. This is not a country for the infirm or weak. It takes a strong determined soul to survive.

I walked on hoping upon hope to find some sign of life. Then just as I descended a low slope I saw them. There in the white powder was a split hoof track of a small doe or perhaps a spike. I walked on seeing the distinct track of an injured animal dragging its front hoof. This would be the one I would track this is the one I would bring down. Wait there was a bonus track one of a mallard or perhaps a mud hen. I did not realized I had come this close to the lake area. I would go down the hill and lie in wait next to the shore for my doe to make her appearance. It would be just a matter of time.

I found a low spot to shield me from both the wind and the doe. I stayed down wind in order for her not to pick up my scent. I waited watching for any sign of doe or duck. Sitting in the snow covered rocks and grass breathing the cold clean air gave me moment for pause. It made me appreciate each breath I drew and each exhalation of steam. I looked at the beauty and pureness of the day.

Then I realized that it was really cold out and it was time for Oprah and I had left the kettle on the stove. I shook myself out of my daydream and trudged back up the hill to the condo. I warmed my hands by the fireplace and drank my earl grey tea while enjoying the beauty of the lake.

I know, I know! I have too much time on my hands. I have too much imagination, but I had you going there for a few minutes didn’t I?

A Hunting We Will Go

Excerpts from the Mountain Woman's Files

Feeling more than a little spry this morning I decided to strap on my pack, grab my gear and go out for a day in the woods. I thought I would get in a little hunting. You know bag a few deer to stock up the freezer for the winter.

Long before dawn I had gotten up on the back side of the ridge and had hunkered in next to a tree. I had my weapon of choice a warm thermos of coffee. I had sprayed myself with doe urine because that's what turns the big bucks on and I sat waiting, watching ever vigilant.

I sat under the tree watching the chipmunks play and the rabbits frolic. I watched the sun rise and grow larger in the sky. It was a gorgeous day, temperatures in the upper thirties, the sky that unreal color of blue it gets in the autumn with just a smattering of high clouds. You could smell the snow that would be moving in later in the day but for now it was just right. The ridge had that uniform brown coloring of dead huckleberry bushes and wild sage, perfect camouflage for our four legged friends.

Then I heard the slightest of sounds. The sounds of branches breaking, something or someone moving closer to me through the brush. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw it there in the distance. I sat perfectly still and waited for it to get into the center of my scope. I squeezed the trigger ever so slightly, but he must have heard me for he turned to run. Just as he turned his back I clicked off the safety and taking a deep breath I squeezed the trigger.

It was too late, he was on the run. I must track him like the seasoned scout I am. I grab my gear and slowly ease from my crouched position. I silently made my way though the bush stalking my prey.

I got close enough to get a shot off and then he turned.

Too late I realized it was rutting season. He put his head down and started my direction. I was brave, I was strong, I stood my ground.

He rushed me, I raised my weapon and ran like hell!


Ok, Ok, It's all a lie. I am not a hunter, I did not get out of bed at the butt crack of dawn douse myself in deer pee and go traipsing out in the woods. The honest to God truth is I was kissing Kahuna goodbye after lunch and low and behold there was this big old buck in our yard. Me being me ran in and got the camera and being the big scaredie-cat I am stood at least 100 ft from the animal and started taking pictures only this guy came up behind me. Yeah that's why it's fuzzy because he startled me or I should say Kahuna did when he yelled "Look out behind you."

This guy went walking right behind me.

These guys hang out in the yard around here. Pretty cool isn't it?