Friday, January 29, 2010

Gladys has Whirling Dervish Thoughts

It’s Friday and time for Mrs. 4444’s Friday Fragments. Go link your Friday to her Friday. It is also Virtual Girls Night Out over at Ann Again and Again. Grab a drink, do a little dance, get down tonight, get down tonight….


I have been cleaning like a Whirling Dervish this week.  I remember when I was a kid there was a cartoon where there was a song about Whirling Dervishes.  I had no idea what they were and thought they were something like a tornado or a dust devil.  Who knew it was a bunch of guys wearing poodle skirts and fez's and turning in circles.
This isn't my dust bunny.  Mine was 20 times that size and
besides there is flooring under this one.
Thanks to for the photo.
Speaking of dust devils.  I had to wrestle a giant dust bunny out from under my bed.  We took the carpet up in order to put new flooring in and hit a snag.   A huge crack in the slab halted our plans and so I have bare concrete.  I vacuum everyday and move the bed and vacuum, yes shut up I vacuum the concrete, yet every morning there are new dust bunnies.  It proves to me that dust bunnies breed like rabbits.

Where does all that stuff in the very back of the corner kitchen cabinet come from?  I swear I found a perculator that belonged to my mother-in-laws first cousins neighbor's brother's sister-in-law.  I have no idea where this stuff comes from and why is it in my cabinet?

A couple of weeks ago I burned my thumb taking a baking dish out of the oven.  I mean REALLY burned it.  It had a huge blister that immediately formed and no matter how bad it hurt to touch it I could not stop touching it.  Does that make me a sadist or a masochist?
My overheard of the week was from the lady at the dry cleaners.  She was in a really good mood and very bubbly.  The lady in line in front of me said "Really?  Are you really THAT happy all the time?"
The dry cleaner clerk said "No but if I act like I am it drives people like you crazy."
It is also Happy Hour Friday over at Bambi RX.   Go on over to Happy Hour Friday and add what makes you happy.

Now you wouldn't think that cleaning would make me happy but it does.  I like to clean and shine and make things sparkle. 

A good cup of coffee served to me in bed in the morning by my sweetie.

Getting to stay in and read on a day that looks like this

Thanks Marv for sending me the picture.  How come no surfers?

Now go on and be good to one another.  Remember thoughts become things, think good ones.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

What Impressions May Come

It is once again time for Theme Thursday and this week's theme is Impression.  Go on over read what everyone else had impressions of but first read my take on impression.  I wanted to give the impression that I could write.  I sat down and this came to mind. 

Her eyes were bright and clear as she looked around the room. She gave the impression she was here with us in this world. Then she put her head back on the pillow and closed her eyes.

Her daughters sat at the table discussing her fate. “Stage seven, that’s what this is” said Elvira. “I have a neighbor whose husband’s brother-in-law’s first cousin’s next door neighbor had this and he said all she did was wonder around in the middle of the night” she prattled on. “Good thing we found out when we did. If she hadn’t gone to the Dee-emm-vee to get her driver’s license updated we would have never found out” replied Mahulda. They pushed the pamphlets for the long term care facility towards their father. “You need to put her in this one, it’s the one that my friend’s second cousin’s college roommate works as a janitor” Elvira said in a conspiratorial tone. She got up to check on Mother and she seemed to be sleeping again. “How many hours in a day can a person sleep” she mumbled and then sat back down. “Now Dad, here is all the paperwork for you to give me power of attorney. I’m going to take care of everything. I mean since I’m the oldest I’m the only one who can.”

Mahulda squirmed in her chair a little as she listened to her sister convince her dad to put their mother in the home. It was hard being right all the time. She and her sister had said this day would happen. It was almost freaky how they had almost got it down to the day. She was glad her sister had forced her parents into draining their savings account to purchase that condo closer to her. Mahulda gave the impression she wanted to help take care of her parents but she was much to busy. She was a teacher. Not just a teacher but a teacher who taught teachers to teach teachers how to teach. Then there was Stanly, her husband, who couldn’t do anything without her telling him how and when to do it. Her job didn’t end there she also had a child. Yes he was in college now but that didn’t matter if she wasn’t there he would not be able to function. Nope she was much to busy, everyone depended on her to tell them the correct way to function.

Her eyes were closed but her ears were open. She knew the only way to escape these evil and vile women was to pretend she was asleep. She was sick of them telling her what to do and when to do it. She was finished with her husband ignoring her wants and desires. When the letter came from the DMV saying she had Alzheimer’s she was almost relieved. It was the perfect excuse to not have to interact with them anymore. She lay on the couch wondering how this happened. How had she raised four children the same way and yet these two had become so vile, so rancid. Yes, to lie here with her eyes closed giving the impression that she was no longer in this realm was a vacation for her. She gave the impression she was demented but in truth she was cruising the warm clear waters of Bermuda or she was dancing the Hula in Honolulu. She was much happier in her own world, without the screeching and babbling ballyhoo from her daughters and the neglect from her husband.

“How do I do this? I mean does my insurance take care of this?” their father asked. He knew that his insurance would pay some of it but it was easier to give the impression that he was forgetful and feeble. If he gave the impression that he wasn’t as sharp as he used to be then he could put the blame on someone else. The girls looked at one another and Elvira sighed “Dad just give me power of attorney and I’ll take care of everything. I mean I already take care of everything anyway.” He looked at the pamphlet and said “I can’t do this. You take care of it.” He got up and poured another cup of coffee.

Elvira gave the impression she was concerned about her mother and father, but in fact all she was really concerned about was control. She wanted to control it all. She wanted to be the one who deemed her mother incompetent. I mean after all the DMV had sent a letter stating she had Alzheimer’s, why would she bother getting a second opinion from a doctor who dealt with this type of thing. She wanted to control her father’s attorney so that he would write her brothers out of the estate. She watched her father as he made his way to the coffee maker, she smiled to herself and knew that it she had control over him. She wanted to control her children and her husband. What she wanted to control most of all was herself.

She gave the impression she didn’t know what was happening around her. She gave the impression she didn’t recognize her daughters. She gave the impression that she no longer knew her husband. She gave all those impressions, but in reality she just wanted away from them. She wanted to go back to the warm sands and fresh air of her new world. She smiled and snuggled deeper into her new and happier realm of reality, because after all reality is really only what we deem it to be.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Alfred and Monroe go Fishing

The dew was still fresh on the ground as Alfred and Monroe gathered their tackle boxes and roused Big Momma and Doobie from their beds. Doobie looked in the mirror and unwrapped the toilet paper holding her beehive together and put the pins back in the baby food jar that was her cosmetic catch all. She lit a cigarette and headed for the percolator. Alfred stood at the table counting out his hooks and sinkers.

Big Momma came out of the bathroom red hair standing on end and said “What the hell are we waiting on? Let’s get this show on the road.” Doobie glanced over her coffee cup at her friend and said “Oh alright just let me finish my coffee, where are all the kids?” The adults all looked around the empty lake cabin and went to the screened in porch. There in various stages of sleep were their offspring all intertwined and drooling on one another. There were six of them altogether red hair mixed in with brunettes. They lie where they had fallen, Bird telling the sad tell of the star crossed lovers Romeo and Juliet and Buck making fart noises with his hands.

The four adults woke the two teenagers and told them that they were going to run trot lines and fish in the boat for a while. Bird sat up looked through half opened lids and mumbled something to the effect of “omehmm” then flopped back on the bed. The four adults quietly and carefully opened the screen door and slipped out into the sunrise.

The two families came to the lake cabin every year for vacation. This time was bliss for the children because they became one. They lived together, ate together and played together as one big family. Alfred and Monroe had grown up together, neither man having a brother found one in each other. Doobie and Big Momma came into the mix and each in her own way made the picture complete. Big Momma with her boisterous and bodacious laugh, Doobie contributed her dry but sharp wit.

The two couples loaded the little boat with thermos and tackle boxes and Monroe fired up the little motor boat.
They cruised across the still and peaceful lake until they reached the floated Clorax bottle. Monroe cut the engine and Alfred hooked the line. The both began working the line and checking the bait on the hooks. “Gasper goo, gasper goo, catfish, carp…” came the sing song report of what was on the line as they tossed the scrap back into the lake and took the catfish. The morning was dawning and the July heat took over the day. The little foursome moved toward the shade trees overhanging the bank. They tossed lines in the water as they putt-putted along stopping and fishing then moving to a new spot.

“Sptttttblubbbb” went the little motorboat. Alfred looked at Monroe and asked “did you put gas in this thing?” Monroe smiled his split tooth smile and said “nope did you?” Doobie looked at Monroe narrowed her eyes and said “that’s not funny. Now start that gawdamned motor you moron!” Alfred opened the fuel tank and looked in it “nope, it’s empty. Looks like we are gonna have to paddle back to the marina.” He then reached into the compartment and pulled out a couple of paddles. He handed one to Doobie and the other to Big Momma. “You gals get to paddling and Monroe and I will steer.” Doobie gave Alfred the look of death and said “like hell I will. I’ll stick this paddle so far up your SNAKE! SNAKE TRYING TO GET in the GAAWDDAMMNNN BOAT!”

Alfred knowing that Doobie had a dry and sometimes sadistic wit said “oh sure, I’m gonna believe that one” as he turned to sure enough see a snake trying to board the boat. He looked around and the water was thick with snakes. “HOLY SHIT! MONROE QUIT FARTIN AROUND GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!” Unnnununnnuna, unnnunnnunnuna went the motor as Monroe in a state of panic tried to start the motor. Doobie grabbed the paddle and started slapping at the snakes. Big Momma started slapping at Alfred. Alfred tried to get away from Big Momma and the boat started rocking. The water was churning and the boat was rocking.

Now I know that the bible says that Jesus is the only person to ever walk on water but I believe that day there were four people in a little motor boat in snake infested water who would have tried. They paddled and slapped and slapped and paddled. They started getting out of the shadows and towards open waters but the snakes kept trying to crawl up the paddles. Alfred would beat the paddle on the boat and then would pump the bulb that primed the engine. Monroe would turn the key and hear unnnunnnunnnuna and yell “your flooding it give it some time.” Doobie would paddle and slap and slap and paddle and Big Momma couldn’t do anything but laugh.

They entered the marina to find their children sitting on the dock and swimming. “Hey how come y’all came back so soon?” the children questioned. The foursome just looked at one another as they crawled out of the little boat shook out their clothing and checked for snakes.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Gladys has Catistrophic Random Thoughts

It’s Saturday and I missed Mrs. 4444’s Friday Fragments. Go link your Friday to her Friday. It was also Virtual Girls Night Out over at Ann Again and Again. Grab a drink, do a little dance, get down tonight, get down tonight…. Or should I say last night, last night…

First of all have you ever noticed that every thing is a catastrophe to news reporters? No really it rained here in Southern California this week and as the song goes… It never rains in California but man don’t they warn you, it pours man it pours.

Anyway it was a lot of rain and it was blowing really hard. There was water in the streets and trees blown down but to listen to the television and radio newscasters it was worse than Katrina and the end of the world.


Speaking of doom and gloom did everyone watch the Telethon for Haiti that George Clooney orchestrated? Ok let’s talk a minute. Did he send out a message to everyone but Tom Hanks and John Stewart saying “wear the worst grubbiest clothes you own, oh and men don’t shave.” I swear Nicole Kidman and Brad Pitt shared the same blazer.


Speaking of Brad Pitt someone needs to get that dead rat off his face.


I was standing in line at the grocery the other day when I noticed a mother struggling with a boy about eight years old and both were about 100 pounds over weight. He was cussing her and kicking her and generally throwing a royal fit.

The mother said “Johnny I don’t know what is wrong with you. What do you want? Do you want a cola? Do you want some pizza? I just don’t understand why you are acting this way.”

As I walked by I smiled at her and said “maybe you should look in the mirror.”

I won’t repeat what she said.
One more thing why do I keep getting this kind of crap in my comments section?  Really at least this one wasn't for big busted asian women wanting nerdy tech guys.

Anonymous said...

Good day, sun shines!Good Day sun shines?  Is he calling ME sun shine or is he saying "Hey it's a good day the sun shines."

There have were times of hardship when I felt unhappy missing knowledge about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
Really?  You were unhappy missing knowledge?  Maybe you should talk to Bernie Madoff.  You were a dump?  Really?  What kind of dump?  I mean because in our language that can mean many things.  A place to distribute trash or it can mean a trashy place or maybe you are calling yourself a bowl movement.
I have never imagined that there weren't any need in large initial investment.
What grade did you make in English grammer?

Nowadays, I feel good, I started take up real income.
From where did you start to take it up.  (sorry no way not to end it with a preposition) 

It's all about how to select a correct partner who uses your money in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, and shares the profit with me.
I tell you what, why don't you shares it with me first.

You may get interested, if there are such firms? I have to tell the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
I may get interested if ther are such firms but will I?

Very much thank you for the spamming that I have uptaken from you.


Otin has stopped his Happy Hour Friday but Bambi RX has taken it up. Hopefully I’m not too late for that too.

These are the things that make me happy!

Telling this wonderful woman Happy 21st Birthday!

Having these guys for office mates


Now go out there and be good to one another.  Remember that thoughts become things, think good ones.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The Butter On My Bread

I wrote this post, FAMILY WREATH,  last year about how my family tree is more of a wreath than a tree. It gives a little insight into my family and how we are well how you might say tied together. Now I know this weeks Themed Thursday post is Bread and trust me I’ll get there but first you must travel a little with me.

It was the depression and things were at their worst. Effie took a job in a diner cooking. This was not a difficult task for her because she was an excellent cook and she enjoyed it. Effie grabbed the pans from the oven and slid them onto the table. She had been making rolls all morning long. The smell of fresh bread permeated throughout the little house. It was about time for Bill to be home but he was no where to be seen. He had promised to get the boys from school. She knew that being a truck driver wasn’t an easy job, it took him away from home and hearth much too often. She knew he drove over pitted and potted highways over hills and through small towns delivering goods to restaurants and grocers across central Texas. Spring would always have its perils with the floods and winter with ice, summer would cause an engine to overheat and fall was totally unpredictable just like her husband, Bill.

Hazel down at the diner envied Effie’s bread making skills. She lusted after her dinner roll recipe and would commit murder for her angel flake biscuit recipe. The depression was tough on all of them and yet Effie seemed to always have fresh baked bread and plenty of jam put up. Hazel was not very domestic, oh she could get around a kitchen alright but she just wasn’t up to Effie’s standard. She preferred store bought jam to putting up her own. She would rather eat at the diner and her family to fend for themselves. She did however have an awful cute figure and big blue eyes that mesmerized most men and always smelled of Evening in Paris toilet water. Yes Hazel had a way about her. The way she saw it she didn’t have to cook she had other talents.

Effie cut out another two dozen rolls and buttered up her pan. She danced around the kitchen like a ballerina. She was glad Bill was getting the boys so she could finish putting her sauerkraut in the crock and she could get the hen ready to roast. She stopped just as she put another pan full of dough into the hot oven, something was wrong. She felt it in the pit of her stomach. The hair stood up on the nape of her neck and she knew without a doubt she knew. She set the dough on the counter turned the oven off and headed up to the school, she knew Bill wasn’t going to get them and he had never intended to. She walked up the street and past the diner. She glanced in the window of where she spent most of her time. She saw that Percy was cooking today. She waved a little wave and plodded on past the diner not really registering the men sitting at the counter ogling Hazel.

Effie shooed the boys outside and relit the oven. She looked at the rolls that had doubled in size, sighed and slid them in the oven hoping they wouldn’t be too rubbery. She swept the flour from around the table and wiped up the melted butter. The telephone rang, once, then twice signaling that it was her ring on the party line. Effie picked up the phone and said hello. “Um…who’s this” asked the voice on the other end of the line. “Well you tell me, you called me” Effie retorted. “Effie? Is that YOU” the voice inquired. “Yep it’s me who are you?” There was a pause and then “it’s Hazel. You know down at the diner. I was trying to fix me up some of those rolls you are so good at making for my new beau and I was wonderin if you would share your recipe with me.” Effie sighed and picked a little piece of dough from her bread board “I guess, I mean if’n you think it will get you hitched I’ll help.” Effie could hear the smile on Hazel’s face through the phone. Effie didn’t give her recipe out to just anyone. “Oh! Thank you Eff I’ll get it from you tomorrow at the diner. Okay?”

Gladys found the recipe when she was fifteen. She began making the rolls and breads from the recipe every couple of weeks. She fumbled her way through learning the way the dough should feel, smell and look. She practiced over and over again using the recipe she had found written on an old envelope. After ten years of baking she knew how to get the yeast to activate and how honey gave the rolls a little bit deeper flavor than sugar. She also knew the secret of rolling her freshly baked bread in sugar to give it a bit of a glaze.

Gladys was twenty-five and scheduled for major surgery. Her Grandfather’s new widow was going to come help take care of her and Tadpole. She had been Gladys’ Great-uncle Bill’s first wife and her grandfather’s third wife. She was a pip at eighty-two still cooked, cleaned and could mow her own yard faster than most teenage boys could get the mower started. Gladys was thrilled Effie would be taking care of her especially since she was such a wonderful cook. She had been having visions of homemade sauerkraut and double dipped chicken fried steak. Her mouth watered at the thought of Granny Effie’s homemade cinnamon rolls and angel flake biscuits. Yes she would be well fed during her convalescence.

Gladys was on the chaise on the patio, Granny Effie was in the kitchen when she heard “Oh My lands!” The patio door flew open and out flew Effie. “Sakes alive child where did you find this old thing” she asked waving a weathered and stained slip of paper. Gladys squinted and tried to see what her step-grandmother was waving around in the bright September sunshine. Effie rushed over to the seat and adjusted Gladys’ pillows. She held the worn envelope in front of her and said “I swan I thought this was gone forever.” Gladys looked at the ancient paper with the formula for the best bread she had ever made scratched in weathered and fading ink. “I don’t know it was in that old Betty Crocker Cookbook. It was just stuck between the pages” Gladys said in between cheeps and chirps from Effie. Effie stopped fluttering and sat down “a Betty Crocker cookbook? Did it have notes in the sides?” Gladys stopped and thought for a moment “yeah, I don’t know where it came from. I think it was my grandmother’s book.” Effie put her head in her hands and then looked up “Lans sakes I forgot that I had borrowed May’s cookbook. Well that makes sense now.”

Effie hung up the phone she looked around her modest little kitchen. On the counter next to the bread box was an envelope. She picked up her fountain pen and began to write out her recipe. She blew on the paper waiting for the ink to dry when Bill walked in the door. “Hi, hun” he sighed as he eased in the door. Effie got up to give her man a kiss when the smell overtook her. She backed away and sat down. Once again she felt that feeling in her gut and once again the hair stood up on the nape of her neck and she knew. She knew without a doubt.

She went to the phone and asked the operator to be connected. “This is Hazel” came the voice through the wire. “You low down two timing no good floozy! You’re not getting my recipe. You can have that no good piece of shit of a husband of mine but you can’t have my recipe” Effie exclaimed. Hazel sat quiet for a moment and then said “but he is the butter on my bread.” Effie snorted and retorted “yeah well he’s the shit on my shoe.”

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Just The Facts 2010-1-19

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 1-19-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 1/12/2010

10:38 a.m. An injured Canada goose was spotted near a home on Trumble Creek Road. The fate of the fowl is currently unknown.
I bet it was served with nice Chianti and some Fava Beans.
4:13 p.m. Individuals on Terry Road were reportedly “smoking dope” and leaving their children unattended. The issue turned out to be an ongoing neighbor problem.
What was on ongoing neighbor problem? That they weren’t sharing their dope?
6:00 p.m. Someone on Harbin Hill Road received a letter from the Arizona Department of Public Safety regarding a traffic violation. The recipient has in fact never been to Arizona and will be contacting the appropriate officials.

It was this guy.

9:28 p.m. A resident of Primrose Court called to report that a vehicle was driving wildly around in their yard. As it turns out, the driver was merely having troubles with icy road conditions.

Evidently they were from Southern California.  A little rain, a little snow and it is pandemonium!

Wednesday 1/13/2010

5:25 p.m. A concerned parent called to report that their 12-year-old son had been assaulted at school. The parent later called back, indicating that the child had actually been in a wrestling match.

I know this is the era of everybody gets a trophy but come on it’s a WRESTLING match. Someone has to lose.

1:55 a.m. Someone on Conley Drive claims that his neighbors and their guests intentionally shone their vehicle lights through his window.
What they didn’t tell you was their house sits at the T intersection. EVERYONE shines their lights into the house.

Thursday 1/14/2010
9:19 a.m. A mule was seen standing near a white house on Foothill Road. The mule may or may not have belonged on the property.

That’s a donkey not a mule and it’s going to be there for 3 more years.
10:24 a.m. A stocky black-and-white pit bull ran free in Happy Valley. The dog seemed friendly but was covered in scars.
Why wouldn’t it be friendly? It was in HAPPY Valley. Everyone is Happy there.
4:15 p.m. An older man and four young children were seen sitting beneath a tree near Elk Park Road, then walking along the side of the road. Authorities could not locate the individuals.

I see dead people.
4:31 p.m. Someone on Farm to Market Road detected what they believed to be a “drug-related” odor in the area. The responding officer determined the scent to be most likely garbage.

One man’s trash is another man’s …. Treasure?
7:08 p.m. A resident of Bigfork reports that several kids came onto her front porch and left a robot near her door.

A ROBOT? Really? Was it saying DANGER WILL ROBINSON…?

Friday 1/15/2010

8:35 a.m. An ungovernable juvenile male at a residence on Highway 2 didn’t want to go to school.
Here is my advice. Go outside and get a bucket of snow then pour cold water over the snow swish it around several times over the child’s head. When the child refuses to get up dump said bucket on obstinate child. Repeat until child agrees to get up and go to school.

3:47 p.m. Several kids reportedly chucked snowballs at a vehicle on East Evergreen Drive.

Did anyone pull a gun? Well then it wasn’t a real snowball fight.

4:13 p.m. A vehicle in Somers was pelted with snowballs.
Sounds like a social experiment to me.  Like those people riding naked on the train.

8:19 p.m. Kids in Columbia Falls flung snowballs at a home on Jellison Road.
Yep…it was a combined effort I’m telling you.
12:34 a.m. A cougar was spotted in a tree near Whitefish.

Now what was Courtney Cox doing in a tree?

Friday, January 15, 2010

Gladys has Fruity Random Thoughts

It’s Friday and time for Mrs. 4444’s Friday Fragments. Go link your Friday to her Friday. It is also Virtual Girls Night Out over at Ann Again and Again. Grab a drink, do a little dance, get down tonight, get down tonight….

First of all I would like to tell each and every one of you that sent me good wishes on my breastest problem, THANK YOU. I would also like to let you know that regardless of what the new recommendations are it is still important for you to know your own body and to take your health care into your own hands.


I had a MRI this week. They laid me on the table face down with my lady hangers dangling freely in the breeze and sucked me into the tube of magnets. As I lie there listening to the machine it dawned on me it was saying something. It was saying nipple, nipple, nipple….buzzzzzzzz….party, party, party,party….click, click, click….ready, ready, ready, ready….click, click,click. I think there was a hidden message in there but I’m not sure what.


This morning one of our daughters was getting ready to leave for Las Vegas for her birthday. Her father and I were hovering around her saying “did you pack plenty of warm clothes? Do you have enough money? Did you double check your reservations? Do you have enough gas? Did you check the wind warnings?” She very sweetly smiled at us and cleared her throat and said “You do know I’m twenty-seven, not seven right?” HAPPY BIRTHDAY FALULAH!


We eat healthy. What do I mean by that? Well we each fresh vegitables and fruit. This means that I have to go to the grocery several times a week to stock up. I try to buy organic or natural. The other day I started to think about the fruit from my youth. My mother would buy a peach and if you didn’t eat it in 3 days it would be bad. Now you can buy a peach and it won’t rot for weeks.

WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING TO OUR FOOD? Oh wait if we eat that food does that mean we won’t rot for centuries? Is our food turning us immortal?


My overheard this week was once again at the beach. There was a man on the beach with one of those metal detector things. Kahuna and I were standing on the pier and I asked him “what do you think he’s looking for.” To which Kahuna looked at me and said “oh, he’s vacuuming the sand off the beach.”

Which made this make total sense.


Otin hosts his Happy Hour Friday over at the Wizard of Otin.

Here are a few things that make me happy.

Surfers who look like surfers and not driving BMW's

Kids playing on the beach on a winters day

My beach companions

The fact this little guy is getting healthier by the minute
and he has decided we are not going to beat him.

Now go out there and be good to one another.  Don't forget to do what you can for those less fortunate especially those in Haiti. Remember thoughts become things, think good ones. 

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Today is Themed Thursday and it is also the day I have my bi-polar mirror test. Isn’t that redundant? Bi-polar and mirror I mean isn’t bipolar opposites and if you are looking in the mirror your left is your right and your right is your left? This always confuses me when I’m trying to do my hair because I’m right handed but it’s my left hand in the mirror. Shut UP! I confuse easily. Today’s theme is surface. This left me a little stumped. I mean what about surface? Is this like surface of the moon? Is it surface area? Is it she’s nice on the surface? Where to go? What to write? Then it hit me. It could be any and all of those things. So go link up to Theme Thursday and read what other’s wrote but since you’re here read mine first because it is all about me.

She looked down and saw her reflection in the surface of the water. She smiled and the sun hit the water which in turn reflected off of her braces. She closed her lips over the wad of metal in her mouth and looked up at Matilda. There sat her sister with perfect hair, perfect skin and perfect teeth. Gladys ran her fingers through her tangled knot of frizzy hair and scratched at a dry spot on her cheek. She wanted so much to be like Matilda. She wanted to be friendly and outgoing, not goofy and gangly. She watched and mimicked every movement Matilda made. She watched how her sister held her fork and drank from a straw and tried to replicate it in every way. She wanted to be perfect just like her sister.

Why even when they were little it didn’t matter what activity Matilda always seemed to excel. Gladys didn’t understand why it always so effortless for her sister when she had to work so hard. Gladys would watch Matilda in awe and wonder why she was so different. Well the answer was obvious of course, she had been found under a rock. Matilda on the other hand was sent from heaven. Yep that was the story Matilda and Buck told Gladys and she believed them. Why wouldn’t she. She had proof. Matilda and Buck were perfect and she was a mess. She was skinny and scrawny. They were perfect and glowing. She was goofy and awkward they were mythic and majestic. So Gladys lived her life feeling imperfect and inferior. Someday, she would say to herself, I’m going to be perfect.

Teenage angst came and went and adulthood loomed. Gladys still looked up to her big sister and wondered how in such a busy confusing world she could still be so perfect. Matilda was married now to the perfect man. They were the perfect couple. They were good looking, funny and successful. Gladys loved spending time with them and did every chance she got. She looked for guys to date that were like her new brother-in-law. She would test them to see if they had a similar sense of humor and if they were athletic. Gladys herself was not athletic, not like Matilda. Matilda had a natural ability to do what ever came along. Gladys failed to find the perfect man only one who seemed to be on the surface.

Life goes on and the sisters moved many miles away from one another. They talked on the phone occasionally and visited even less. They grew apart, distant and became strangers. Gladys would get reports on Matilda from her family or from Christmas cards. Matilda’s life had its ups and downs. The perfect marriage turned out to be less than perfect. This did not deter Matilda, she landed on her feet and found love yet again. She was still perfect living a perfect life. Gladys was still struggling trying to be perfect.

Years later when the sisters were grown with grown children of their own they came together once again. Strangers yet still sisters. Gladys saw her sister in a new light. She was still picture perfect. She was still just as beautiful as she had always been, but now Gladys saw something else. She saw the struggle that her sister had to go through to remain perfect. She realized that all those years that she thought it all came easy for Matilda, it hadn’t. She saw the hurt and heartache she had gone through. She saw the hard work and sacrifice she had made to be perfect on the surface. What Gladys realized was it wasn’t the perfection on the outside she strove for it was the perfection on the inside.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

The Breast Specialist

My appointment with the breast specialist was week before last. Remember I had seen one boob expert who said I needed a stereophonic In and Out Burger and Dr. Wonderful had a twisted thong. Don’t remember? Go here and read this Gladys Goes Animal Style and I’ll wait.

Tall and tan and young and lovely the girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes Each one she passes goes, “Ah”.

All done? Okay now that you have that lovely song stuck in your head, I’ll proceed. Kahuna and I arrived at the boob expert’s office in lovely Newport Beach. We arrived early and I filled out the three thousand four hundred and seventy-two pages of questions. I signed here and initialed there and then waited to be called into the inner-chamber. I spotted a couple of current magazines on the table and thought “what kind of doctor’s office is this, with current magazines? How am I supposed to catch up on all my People Magazine gossip from 1999 with current issues? How am I supposed to read articles about how to wear shoulder pads and spiral perm my hair at home?” I reached toward the table to pick a current issue of Self when the inner-chamber door flew open. A friendly smiling woman in flowing skirts came out the door and said “Gladys?” I smiled thinking this aging hippy woman must be the receptionist. She ushered us into the examination room and stuck out her hand “I’m Doctor Stebil.” She then turned dumped out the two thousand seven hundred and seventy-seven pictures of my lady hangers and said “now why are you here?”

I looked at Kahuna and he at me. I cleared my throat and squeaked out “they want me to have a stereophonic In and Out Burger and maybe even a massacre-ectomy with no fries.” She blinked twice and looked down at my chart. “I have looked at your film and am confused. I have also read your history and your family history. You don’t look like a dwarf to me.” I smiled and went into my explanation of how I was deemed a pre-adolescent boy and a pituitary dwarf. She nodded made some notes then she explained that she was a breast oncologist and as such she deals with breast cancer only. She also explained the progression of the cancer and how it does and doesn’t grow. She gave us her long and impressive background. Then she did the unthinkable. She took the mammogram pictures and she stuck them in the Light Brite fixed to the wall. Don’t you love Light Brites? I always wanted one when I was a kid. I would ask for it for Christmas and my birthday but like that elusive pony, I never got one. I mean they made all kinds of cool pictures with little light bulbs. What’s not to love? A kid, electricity along with glass light bulbs sounds like a good combination to me. I digress.

Dr. Stebil stuck the pictures on the Light Brite and said “see this here? Yes this area here? That is what all the hub-bub is about. Now see this thing right here? Yes this thing that looks like a peach pit or maybe it’s the root of a hair. I just don’t see anything that looks scary, are you sure this is what they were getting all upset over?” It was about that time that a load lifted from me, well that and a hot flash hit. Dr. Stebil came to my aide she looked in my eyes and felt my pulse. “How long have you been having these episodes” she asked. I tried to catch my breath and wheezed out “since they took me off my hormones.” She cocked her head to one side like a cocker spaniel being called to dinner and said “why did they take you off of your hormone replacement?” I told her how they all panicked and told me that hormones would cause the cancer to grow faster, bigger, better like the six million dollar man and become invincible. She shook her head and assured me that this was not the case. Then she said the most wonderful words “go back on your hormones.” That was when Kahuna began to cry and thank the good doctor profusely. I thought it was a bit much and was going to say so but a cold flash hit me and I couldn’t stop my teeth from chattering. The doctor looked a bit afraid what with all the effusing and shivering but continued on with her assessment. She told us of a new genetic test which will tell if I am even in the danger category and then she told me she didn’t think I had anything to worry about but would like to track my history. I was relieved, elated, ecstatic and hot again. She explained that she needed more smashograms in order to fully and completely know whether or not I needed a stereophonic In and Out.

I went for more smashograms at a special facility. They took me into the smashogram room and told me to put my left foot on the red dot and my right foot on the green dot then put my right hand on blue and my left hand on purple. The technician then told me to hold my breath while she shoved my boob between two ice cold glass plates and slammed them together. “Mrs. McGuillicutty, I need you to put your left foot behind your right ear and your left arm under your right knee” she would say sweetly as if I were Braja the blogging yogini or something. They did this for four and one half hours. I was exhausted not to mention having a hot flash in a freezing cold room with no clothes on. The sweet little technician told me to go sit on the couch in the waiting area. She gave me a gown to put on that must have been made for Martians or something because it had three arm holes. I tried to figure out how to put it on but gave up and walked out with an arm through two of the holes and an arm hole in the middle of my back.

I sat on a couch with a group of women who looked as if they have just been asked if they would like to take a shower at Hotel Auschwitz. Isn’t it funny when you are in a situation where it is so tense and so frightening that no one talks, except for me. Some people giggle when they are nervous, some hyperventilate, I talk. I tried to chat with the woman next to me who had somehow figured out how to wear the three arm-holed gown stylishly. She just looked at me with blank eyes. A technician walked in the room and said “Gladys, we are ready to take you for your Stereophonic In and Out Burger now.” I sucked all the air out of the room in one gulp. WHAT? WAIT! No one said I was having a Stereophonic In and Out Burger today my mind screamed but instead I just stood up to walk blindly with the technician. I started toward the door when I realized the other two women in the room also had stood and were going with me. Oh how sweet. What a show of solidarity! These strangers, women I had never met were going to hold my hand and be my support. I was verklempt. Then the technician took a step back, looked at her clipboard and said “Gladys Jones, which one of you is GLADYS JONES?” I grabbed my purse and looked at my driver’s license, it said Gladys McGuillicutty. I smiled and said “not IT.” The other woman grabbed her purse looked at her driver’s license and screamed “not IT!” The third woman lowered her head and said “dang it! I’m always IT first” and scuffed her feet out the door. The other Gladys and I sighed a big sigh of relieve and went back to watching Regis and Kathy Lee.

They called my name a little later and took me into another room that was about the size of a coat closet. They put me on the exam table and the girl told me she was going to give me a Sonic-gram. I was jazzed because there really aren’t very many Sonics here in Southern California.

I love the chili cheese tater tots from Sonic and even though they aren’t on my eating plan I was nervous enough I could eat a truck load of them. Unfortunately there weren’t any chili cheese tater tots involved in the Sonic-gram, heck there wasn’t even a corn dog. No instead they sent sound waves rippling through my mammary glands. The technician made a few tisking sounds and then smiled and left the room.

Oh shut up they are not gross they are scrumptious.

Next thing I knew another lady in a white lab coat came in the door and sat down next to me. She took my hand in hers and said “Mrs. McGuillicutty, I’m the radiologist. I have read your films and what they thought was a cancerous growth was in fact the root of the seventeen foot hair growing from your left nipple. We were able to see all the way around it and it looks like it has been there since you had that hair removed 19 years ago.” Then she put the smashogram on the computer and showed me what she was talking about. Sure enough there on the screen was the root of that hair and I could see something else in the picture. “Doctor, what is that over there” I asked as I pointed to another figure on the screen. She squinted at the place I pointed out and said “oh that’s nothing to worry about. That is just a peach pit.”

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Just The Facts 2010-1-12

There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 1-12-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)
Tuesday 1/5/2010
5:52 a.m. Someone who lives on Highway 2 East evidently has an ongoing cat problem. Authorities answered their questions.
Maybe he should get a cat scan.

12:45 p.m. The resident of a home on Eighth Avenue East became angry when a van with California plates became mired in his driveway. The reporting party yelled at the driver and insisted that he “fix the driveway.”
Those damn California drivers!

Wednesday 1/6/2010

12:46 p.m. In a tragic turn of fate, a vehicle struck and injured a turkey on North Hilltop Road. The turkey had been “taken care of” by the time authorities arrived on the scene.
By “taken care of” they mean served with cranberry sauce and cornbread dressing.

3:22 p.m. A resident of Shady Lane suspects that an unknown individual attempted to enter their home. The homeowner requested that authorities check for fingerprints.
Um sounds pretty Shady to me. Maybe it was Shady Grady.

7:50 p.m. When train travel was stalled due to weather conditions, a would-be passenger verbally abused an Amtrak employee. She was evidently displeased with the issuance of replacement bus tickets.
Well it beats the alternative, walking.

The A.P. posted this picture of what happens when trains
run through an avalanche.  Now which bus do I board?

3:13 a.m. After driving by a Bigfork bar, a “concerned citizen” called to report that people were drinking at said location.
NO! Drinking at a bar? What is this world coming to?

Thursday 1/7/2010

10:57 a.m. Someone on Kings Loop claims that a neighbor yells at him every time he plows his driveway.
Hey I wouldn’t be yelling at someone plowing my driveway. If they want to plow it by all means go right ahead cause shoveling snow isn’t fun.

3:13 p.m. Someone on Pleasant Hill Drive does not appreciate it when a neighbor feeds their horses.
JEEZE people! You gripe when your neighbors feed you horses and plow your driveway? Here in California your lucky if you neighbor doesn’t shoot you.

2:15 a.m. Someone in Bigfork saw a bright red light in the sky.
It's a bird, it's a plane, NO it's SUPERMAN!

Friday 1/8/2010
5:24 p.m. According to a local resident, a cat is continually running wild on Cooperative Way.
Not very coopertative is it?  Oh wait it's a CAT!