"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 8-2-2010
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Erin Cole (comments by Gladys) Good job Erin!
2:31 a.m. A bear was spotted peeping into windows in Martin City.
Wow I didn’t know Yogi was a pervert.
8:56 a.m. A Flathead Valley driver reported that another driver passed him in a fit of road rage, flipped them off and “possibly brandished a gun.” Both vehicles were located, the drivers were counseled and no gun was located.
Dude that wasn’t a gun, that was his finger!
9:14 a.m. A Columbia Falls resident reported receiving a threatening phone call.
6:38 p.m. The aforementioned Columbia Falls resident received another threatening phone call.
Um...don’t answer the phone.
9:08 p.m. Another 911 hang up occurred. Dispatch called the number back, but the caller hung up again. A moment later, the caller called dispatch back. He explained that everything was now OK, but that his lawnmower had been on fire a few minutes before. As he had managed to put it out, he no longer required any assistance.
How do you set your lawn mower on fire? What are you using as fuel? Pure corn alk-hee-hall?
9:49 a.m. After observing a man walking along Highway 93 for 1.4 hours, someone became concerned that he “might get too hot” as he wasn’t wearing a hat or sunglasses. Deputies checked on the man, who said he was fine, despite the lack of cranium accessories.
Really? You called 911 because a man didn’t have on a hat?
9:55 a.m. Mischievous criminals did some criminal mischief to a school bus on FFA drive.
Sounds like some miscreants were up to michief.
12:59 p.m. Someone stole two rolls of toilet paper from a building on Grand Drive in Bigfork.
Again, YOU CALLED 911 TO REPORT THIS? TWO ROLLS OF TOILET PAPER? Heck in my house 2 rolls of toilet paper get flushed down the toilet hourly, now THAT is a crime! Did anyone look to see where Mr. Whipple was?
Well at least he wasn’t peeking in the windows..
10:32 p.m. A dog giving a four-hour barking solo on Dale Drive failed to meet with a receptive audience.
Well maybe he was practicing for the opera. Maybe he had a lot to say. Maybe he was trying to alert you to Timmy being trapped in the well.
12:09 a.m. A mountain lion would not leave a residence on Rockwood Road or “stop messing” with the reporting party’s dogs. Fish and Game were notified.
See I told you he was trying to tell you something. He was trying to tell you there was a mountain lion outside wanting to eat your face. But did you listen NOOOO! You called 911 instead to complain about a barking dog.
3:12 a.m. A drunk couple on Somer’s Road were arguing about who was going to drive the other home.
Oh yeah that is always a good one. I wonder who won?
10:31 a.m. A garden in Hungry Horse suffered intense human-wrought damages.
Now I’m sorry if this is a little to graphic but what type of human wrought damages were they? Fertilizer? Hey that's just the way my mind works.
10:31a.m. Someone spotted a transient on the ground along Highway 2 and thought he was injured. It turned out that the man was actually taking a catnap.
Hey sometimes just stretching out in the sun by the side of the road is relaxing.
Once again Happy Valley is very unhappy. You know I just got to say this. We don't have any clue what these poor law enforcement people put up with. Thanks again for doing such a great job!
10.08 p.m. A man with a fist of steel punched out a vehicle’s windshield in Hungry Horse. Deputies spotted him but he eluded capture by running into the woods.
Was it Lee Majors? Was it the 6 million dollar man?
6:52 p.m. A young man was spotted jumping off the Whitefish River Bridge in an acrobatic manner.
Was it Billy Joe McAllister?
12:38 a.m. During a night out drinking at the Blue Moon Nite Club in Columbia Falls, a woman caught her boyfriend canoodling with another woman in the bar’s parking lot. Of her own admission, the girlfriend “whacked” him in the head, causing his hat to fall off. The boyfriend, who claimed he had just been “talking to a female friend outside,” went to the couple’s home and began throwing his girlfriend’s clothes out of the bedroom. For reasons not entirely known, both halves of the couple were taken to jail.
Really? They were canoodling right there in the bar in front of God and everybody? Oh wait what does canoodling mean?
3:32 a.m. A man wearing a hooded sweat shirt, was running down a street in Somers kicking mailboxes. While the reporting party claims the suspect is around six feet tall, he was unable to confirm if any mailboxes had been damaged.
Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting... they were fast as lightening
3:25 p.m. Someone violated his restraining order by trying to contact a person in North Dakota.
Yeah, that’s why they call it a restraining order, numb nuts. You are supposed to restrain yourself. Unfortunately there are way too many dumb-asses out there who don’t realize this and they end up in the pokey because they just can't restrain themselves.
7:15 p.m. A vehicle parked at the Teakettle Boat Launch was broken into and several items might have been removed.
Sounds like a tempest in a teakettle to me.
7:52 p.m. Two women were spotted a smoking marijuana-like substance while sitting inside a vehicle in Bigfork. Deputies were unable to locate them.
It was only clove cigarettes, honest!
11:46 a.m. A Hungry Horse resident reported that his neighbors were fighting and yelling and that the woman was armed with a rolling pin. Deputies separated the couple for the night
Evidently her mother didn’t teach her that you use an iron skillet. It is much more effective.
11:25 a.m. A resident living on Tally Lake Road nailed a sign on his property that displayed a string of profanity. After the sheriff’s department called the property owner and left a message, the owner called back and said he would discuss the matter with them “tomorrow.”
Do you think he’s singing “The sun will come out tomorrow. Bet you bottom dollar that tomorrow there’ll be sun...”
Yep I would bet that their Happy Meals are a few fries short.
8:53 p.m. After spotting a man lying prostrate in a ditch at mile marker five on Farm to Market Road, someone called an ambulance. When medics arrived, they discovered the man was perfectly fine, just deep asleep and snoring.
Again sometimes it is relaxing lying in the sun by the side of the road. They must be really comfortable ditches.
10:19 a.m. A concerned person reported that an elderly woman wearing her pajamas was strolling along Trumble Creek Road. The woman turned out to be fine.
Geeze can’t I go for a stroll in my pj’s without everybody thinking I have dementia? What was I saying again? You want a PB &; J? Who are you?
1:26 a.m. West of Whitefish on Highway 93, a man was attempting to kick vehicles as they drove past. Deputies, who were unsure of what sport the man was playing, called for a timeout and drove him home.
Ah yes, the age old game of car soccer. Where is my vulvuzala?
8:33 a.m. A lost Chihuahua was discovered in Columbia Falls. The dog is reportedly fine, but unfortunately still resembles a small rodent.
Don’t they all?
8:37 a.m. A Westwood Lane resident is upset that his neighbor is keeping skunks at his house. The animals apparently keep getting loose and onto his property.
Skunks in his HOUSE? WTF? I bet his name is Stinky isn’t it?
1:04 p.m. A riding lawn mower was stolen from a Columbia Falls residence.
Was it on fire?
3:56 p.m. Several juveniles were once again jumping on and off the train tracks in Evergreen and throwing items at passing trains. Deputies warned them they could be charged with criminal trespass.
Doesn't look like those kids found their missing fries.
4:31 p.m. A Boxer was spotted chasing children in Martin City.
Which boxer? Muhammed Ali or Mike Tyson? Float like a butterfly...
4:01 p.m. An intoxicated man was wandering around Highway 2 East near Kalispell, yelling at people because he was “trying to buy weed.”
My yard is full of weeds. Do you think he would want to buy my weeds?
4:02 p.m. Remember the Chihuahua that someone rescued yesterday? Today the Good Samaritan reported that the dog had bitten him.
It had giant fangs. I think I soiled myself.
6:33 p.m. A young man was chased by a boxer cross in Martin City. He escaped injury and the owners were warned.
Dang it Mike! Stop chasing kids.
9:42 p.m. Numerous men stood in a front yard on Canyon Road in Hungry Horse, while punching, yelling and hitting one another. When deputies arrived, everyone denied there was a “situation” and no one wanted to file a complaint. As deputies noted, the first rule about Fight Club is that is that you do not talk about Fight Club.
This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.
3:06 p.m. A frequent flier of the county jail was awarded another trip to the Crowbar Hotel after he was arrested on Meridian Road for an outstanding warrant.
Wow I wonder if he gets points for that?
303 p.m. A Martin City resident called to report the theft of her neighbor’s bowl.
Why didn’t her neighbor report it? Edna you have the bowl don’t you? It is my favorite macaroni and cheese bowl and you have it and you are saying that someone stole it so you can keep it. I know it’s you EDNA!
2:42 a.m. A man reported getting kicked “in the *expletive* face” in Lakeside.
What kind of face is that? I mean this is a happy face This is a sad face what is an expletive face?