Gladys Has Wandering Wondering Random Thoughts

I have been traveling the last couple of weeks and have had many random thoughts. Unfortunately I can’t remember what I did with them. I do that a lot these days. I will have a thought and then it will just be gone, much like my keys or my glasses my thoughts seem to wander and not just wonder.
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I had this thought while on the vessel of viruses. Why does everyone stand up as soon as the plane docks? I mean you can’t exit until the door opens and they scoot the jetway up. I guess you could but that first step would be a doozie.
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Another airplane thought is have you ever noticed we are much like Pavlov’s dogs? When we are in the airplane and they turn on the movie everyone seems to stop what they are doing and all the faces turn towards the screen. It’s almost Orwell-ish.

Which makes me wonder why they don’t show 3-D movies while in flight. Can you imagine taking the I-Max flight to Kenya while they play “When Animals Attack” in 3-D?

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Now I must share this story with you because it’s just too good not to. All y’all know my daddy, Trooper Bob, is quite the story teller. He recently shared this story with me about a trip to my favorite planet. The planet Squal-mart.

Trooper Bob had to use the facilities. Yes he had to see a man about a horse, he had to drain the lily or whatever it is you guys say when you have to go pee. So he enters the restroom and does what guys do. Stands with his brain in his hand and relieves himself at the urinal. He finishes and turns to wash his hands just in time to see a man exit the stall. Trooper Bob swears this is true. The man has a cheeseburger in one hand and a soda in the other.
Now let me just ask a few questions here. First Why? Second why? Third where did he put his cheeseburger and or coke when he wiped?
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Now when you travel you hear all kinds of interesting things while you are innocently waiting for the tram or the bus.

Heard in the airport between a teenaged boy and his mother.
Mother: Did you remember to turn off the iron?
Son: Yeah
Mother: Did you remember to lock the door?
Son: yeah
Mother: Well I guess we are set.
Son: I forgot to pack underwear.

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Heard in restaurant between man and woman.

Woman: I feel like pork chops
Man: You look like them in those pants.

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Remember today if Friday Fragment Day over at Half Past Kissing Time. Mrs. 4's is excited that she is no longer teaching JUST juvie kids so I'm anxious to see what her Fragments are.

Also don't forget that Ann Again and Again is hosting her usual Virtual Girl's Night Out. Go on over and join in.

Silver Wings Part Dix (Ten)

When we last left Gladys she and Nancy were at the rental car kiosk exchanging her Sweet Ride for a mini-van. If you don't know what I'm talking about start with: Silver Wings then work your way through the subsequent stories. There are ten of them. Yes ten. Stop complaining I have a lot to say. Now for your reading pleasure ...

Gladys checked Nancy’s car seat it was fastened perfect. She made sure Nancy was strapped in and turned to get into the driver’s seat. She heard a little voice say “Annie can you put dis in dee DBD pwayer? Then can we eat at Quacker Barwell?” Gladys turned and looked at the child who was taking a DVD out of her bag “Nancy, how did you know to bring a DVD?” The little girl opened her big blue eyes and said “I don’t know, I jest did.” Gladys shook her head in disbelief then answered her other question “yes, where is the nearest Quack, um I mean Cracker Barrel?” Nancy put her finger on her temple and said “I dink you can put it in your Bwackberwy and it will tell you.” Gladys looked at her phone then back at Nancy. How did this child know these things? Gladys had barely learned to text message and a three year old was telling her how to use her GPS.

Gladys tried to figure out how to get the location of the restaurant but couldn’t figure it out. “Gib it herah Annie, I do it.” Gladys didn’t hesitate she handed the device to the little girl. The little girl screwed up her face a little and then stuck her tongue between her teeth and went to work. “Herah ya go Annie” she said as she handed the phone back to Gladys. “We go out dat way den over der to de big highway. It is on de way back to my howse” she said pointing toward the exit of the airport. Gladys looked at the tiny screen on the cell phone and read the directions. She was learning not to be amazed at anything this tot could do. She slid the DVD into the slot and pushed play “I like to move it move it. I like to move it move it…” blared through the surround sound speakers as Nancy began to giggle.

“What movie is this” Gladys shouted over the soundtrack. “Ad it Nascar” Nancy responded. Gladys could not see the screen and wasn’t sure what movie that was, so she asked “is it about cars and car racing? Oh is it that one where the cars talk?” Nancy reached up and hit the mute button on the overhead control and very slowly and deliberately said “No Annie, dat is Cahs. Dis is Ad-it-Nascar. Dese aminals escape from de New York Zoo and go to Ad-it-Nascar. It is wheel funny.” Then she reached up turned up the volume and was engrossed in the movie. She knew every line, every song and every scene by heart. Gladys glanced in her rearview mirror and watched the little girl act out the different characters as she drove down the highway looking for the Cracker Barrel.

She saw the sign and said “there it is Nancy, right where you said it was.” Nancy looked up from the movie and said “Oh BOY! I want some macawohnie and teese, some sweattea and some ice cweam.” Gladys laughed and said “that sounds delicious.” They pulled in and parked. Gladys shut off the engine then went around to open the door and get Nancy out of her car seat. Gladys opened the car door and almost knocked Nancy down. “Nancy, how did you get out of your seat” Gladys asked. Nancy just shrugged and grabbed Gladys’ hand “m’on Annie wets go.” They passed by the rows of rocking chairs and giant checker’s games. They walked into the cool interior of the restaurant and were immediately seated. The waitress asked Nancy what she would like and Nancy without the aide of a menu ordered fried chicken, macaroni and cheese, green beans and ice cream for desert. Gladys sat looking at the menu trying to find something that wasn’t fattening, fried or full of bacon. Now if you have never eaten at a Cracker Barrel you should because it is just good country style food. Unfortunately country style food was originally designed to feed people who worked hard in the fields and burned all those calories off plowing and planting and chasing cows. Gladys does not do any of those things. She does not burn off calories. She can gain weight just smelling this food. Gladys ordered some water and salad. Within minutes the food was delivered to the table. Nancy smiled and dug into her cheese smothered pasta. “Yum, Annie dis is good. Want some” she asked as she thrust a fork full of macaroni towards Gladys. “No hon, you go ahead” Gladys replied.

They finished their dinner and headed once again to the Dreary Lane Bed and Breakfast. They arrived just as Pearl was hanging sheets out on the clothes line. “Oh I love the way sheets smell after air drying” Gladys commented. Pearl looked up and said “as opposed to water drying?” This is another reason why Gladys and Pearl had been friends for so long. “Pearl, I’ve been thinking. I have to drive to Nowhereville tomorrow and it’s a long lonely drive. What would you think about Nancy going with me. I promise I will be really careful with her” Gladys half asked half begged. Pearl looked at Gladys then she looked at her little girl sitting in the middle of her clean laundry pulling pillow cases over her head. “Well, I guess that would be alright. She’s a handful Gladys. You might not want all that to have to keep up with” Pearl answered pointing towards the little girl running around the backyard with a pillowcase on her head. Gladys smiled and said “oh I think we’ll get along just fine.”

“Nancy. Nancy come here!” Pearl called. Nancy came running and bumped into a tree, then took the pillowcase from her head and started giggling harder. “I wan into de twee! Watch me Mommie! I kin wun into de twee again.” Pearl reached down and grabbed Nancy “that’s okay. I saw it the first time. Nancy, would you like to go to Nowhereville with Gladys tomorrow?” Nancy looked up at Gladys then turned to her mother and said “Can I weally go? I wanna go wit Annie. I go pack my suitcase wight now.” With that she ran into the house. Pearl looked at Gladys and said “I would check that if I were you. She might pack the bathroom sink and all of Bud’s tools.”

Gladys smiled and said “well I’m sure if she packs them it’s because she needs them. She is the most interesting child I’ve ever seen. She talks all the time, but it’s not just gibberish. She talks and uses the biggest words. I’ve had to pull out my Websters a couple of times to see what she is talking about.” Pearl nodded her head and said “yeah, I know. It’s almost eerie.”

To be continued.

The Kahuna and I

Today is Kahuna’s birthday. Now I will tell you what he got for his birthday several years ago.
I had just had a really devastating year. The man that I had been involved with turned out to be everything bad I hoped he wasn’t. I moved a million miles away from the home I had made and my family. I lost my life, not that it was a good life but it was comfortable, like an old pair of sneakers. They stink and look like crap but when you need comfortable or routine you put them on and wear them around. I didn’t realize that they made my feet stink and I wouldn’t listen when everyone told me that they didn’t fit and weren’t good for me. No I just kept on wearing them even though they pinched my toes and rubbed blisters on my heels. I was going to make them better, newer, nicer. Then one day the sole got separated and the laces fell apart all at once. I had to admit I was never going to make them better.
I got a new job and a new place to live and tried to make a new life. I was so lonely, hurt, heartbroken and disappointed. I vowed that I would never again date or get involved with a man. I had long talks with my mother, father, brother, sister, brother-in-law, the wall, the rocks the ceiling and my dog, Killer. After one long lament my daddy looked at me and said “Gladys your picker is broke. You need to stop pickin men. When the right one comes along he’ll pick you.”
Then one night at a party an acquaintance grabbed my arm and said he had someone I needed to meet. He dragged me over to the side of the dance floor and there was this man. He was distinguished looking but when he looked at me he really looked at me. We chatted for a few minutes and he listened really listened to what I said. I recognized his name from our client list. I let him guide the conversation and then a co-worker grabbed me and dragged me onto the dance floor. I looked for Kahuna after the song was over but he was nowhere to be found. I didn’t hear from him or see him for a week or so after that. I was alone in the office New Years Eve, everyone had left early. I stayed and worked because honestly I had nowhere else to go and nothing else to do. The phone rang and it was a familiar voice. We spoke about business then he said “I know this is late notice and I don’t normally go out on New Year Eve; but would you like to go to the movie?” I did not answer him right away. I asked him to call me back in an hour.
I am going to be honest with you, I didn’t want to go. I mean who would after the trouble I had with men. I instead called my sister who was vacationing two thousand miles away. I talked to her and told her the story and asked her what she thought, and then I called my mother and father and asked them what I should do. I asked the kid that worked the take-out window at the In and Out Burger what I should do. Let me just warn you, you really don’t want to hold up that line. When people want an In and Out they do not want to listen to you kvetch about your life. I asked the wall and the door and anybody and anything that would listen. I was scared.
I did what everyone told me to do. Go out with him. They all said that he seemed like a nice guy. They all found him honest, sincere and truthful not like any of my other dates or boyfriends. Okay again some honesty here I thought he wasn’t my type and he wasn’t. I met him at the movie theater. We sat down, the lights went dark and he began to talk. He talked through the whole movie and I thought “Oh no! A movie talker. Strike One.” Then he asked if I would like to get a bite to eat and we talked all through dinner. Then I told him good night and he called me to make sure I made it home and we talked some more.
I told him my whole life story that night and you know what he did? He didn’t run away. He didn’t flee rending his clothes and tearing out his hair screaming down the street. He sat there and listened. He really listened. I’m not sure if I told him my situation because I wanted to scare him off or if I just needed to tell my story, but he listened and he asked questions.
We started seeing each other periodically after that. Nothing serious, nothing steady just a date here and there. I always met him wherever we were going. I kept my distance and he respected that. He watched as I struggled with another relationship I had with a mutual friend. He never said anything. One evening over sushi he asked me if I was interested in this other guy and I couldn’t really say I was; but I knew the man was wrong for me. He was just like the man I had left and deep down I knew it wasn’t a good match but I thought I could fix him. Kahuna looked me in the eye and said “you know he’s not right for you. I am.” That is when I knew he was serious about me.
That is when we started dating in earnest. Then he invited me to go to Hawaii. It was the first part of September and I had a long weekend coming up not to mention I had been working seventy hours a week so I had a little comp time coming. I packed my bag and headed to the airport. We started to board and they ushered us to first class. I thought that Kahuna was really pulling out all the stops. Then we arrived in Hawaii and it was the most beautiful, romantic place I had ever been. Then he took me out in the crystal clear pacific swell and put me on a surf board. He patiently and lovingly shared his passion with me. I was truly in paradise.
We woke the morning of his birthday and grabbed some fresh pineapple and shaved coconut. We drove up to Pali Lookout where 30 years ago he and a group of his friends ventured. I didn’t realize that it was going to be so windy on the lookout and had chosen a big circular skirt for the excursion. So here I stood looking out over the windward side of the island holding on to my skirt when I feel as if I am being watched. I look up to see a Japanese tour bus unload and stand on the ledge above Kahuna and I. They were laughing and pointing. I turned back to Kahuna who stood ring in hand and he said “I promise that I will never ever cause you pain. I promise I will never break your heart and I will never hurt you. Please promise you will be my wife.” I stood there frozen. I felt the tears well and my heart beat loudly. The crowd was taking pictures but I couldn’t let go of my skirt or it would blow over my head. My head was filled with all kinds of thoughts, fears and trepidations but I heard my daddy in my head saying “Gladys your picker’s broke. You let them choose you.” I said the only thing I could say, yes.
I guess you could say that I was Kahuna’s birthday present that year. I think it’s better said that he is my birthday present for the rest of my life.

Silver Wings Part Uheska (nine)

This is the next installment of Gladys in Little Bitty City. If you haven't been keeping up well tough titty you just have to go back and read starting with Silver Wings otherwise you will be lost as hell and won't know what I'm talking about. Oh Wait! That would be normal.

Gladys and Nancy followed Lurlene out the roll up door and into the parking lot. The heat and the humidity instantly over took the three. Lurlene’s bee-hive started to wilt, Gladys’ hair started to frizz on top of its frizz and Nancy looked as if someone had poured a bucket of water on her head. They made their way to the parking spot where the Camaro sat. Gladys handed the keys to Lurlene and said “it’s in the trunk. I don’t know what you are going to claim because it is DE-fective.” Lurlene tried to pat her hive back into place and then opened the trunk “well you didn’t take out the LDW and there was NOTHING wrong with the Yugo!” Gladys took a deep cleansing breath but before she could let it out Nancy said “Woowean, wet it go. Why are you so mad?” The woman spun around and glared at Nancy who instinctively jutted out her chin and put her hands on her hips “knock it off Woowean. You stop it right now!” Lurlene started to say something then thought better of it and started taking pictures of the tire.

“Where is this mini-van?” Gladys inquired as she leaned over Lurlene with her own camera and took pictures. She walked around the car and took pictures of the tires, the doors, the bumpers and the interior just in case Lurlene decided to try and claim something else on the insurance. Lurlene stopped her picture taking and barked “what are YOU doing?” Gladys looked around to see who she was grumbling at then realized she was talking to her. “I am taking pictures of the car. I want to make sure you don’t try and claim that these scrapes and dents were mine. I took pictures of it when I picked it up too so I have evidence.” Lurlene narrowed her eyes and pursed her lips “so are you sayin you are gonna sue us or something?” Gladys looked at Lurlene and saw fear “no I’m saying I’m protecting myself from vindictive people.” Gladys got into the driver’s seat and fired the car up she took a picture of the gas gauge and the odometer, then shut the car off and handed the keys back to Lurlene. She then realized that she didn’t feel Nancy clinging to her anymore and started looking for her. “Ober here Annie! I’m ober herah” Gladys heard her call. She looked across the parking lot and saw the little girl sitting in her car seat in the backseat of a new mini-van. “Nancy, I don’t think that’s our car” Gladys called back. “Yeah it is. See, I aweady in my seat. Can we go now, I don’t like it hera.” Gladys pasted the best smile she could muster on her face and tried to regulate her tone as she turned and asked Lurlene “are we done here? I mean I have things to do and I need to be in Nowhereville tomorrow.” Lurlene pulled the picture from the Polaroid Instamatic Swinger and blew on the print. She looked at the developing picture and said “yeah, I guess we are done. That van has a DVD player in it. DVD’s don’t come with it; you have to have your own. Bring it back full of gas. Now I can have this tire changed out and you can git the Camaro back tomorrow.” Gladys shook her head and said “nope, I’m not changing cars again unless this one blows up. I have to be in Nowhereville tomorrow, then I am going to Cooterville after that. I won’t have time to bring the car back until I fly out of here next week.”

Lurlene glared at Gladys and shook her head “fine, suit yourself, if I had a choice I’d take the Camaro.” She turned and walked back into the terminal. Gladys lugged her belongings from the black car to the big red van. She looked the van over from front to back. She took pictures of every tire, gauge and panel. Then she spotted a scrape on the rear wheel fender and told Nancy they had to go inside and document the scrapes. Nancy rolled her eyes and said “Woorwean ain’t gonna wike dat.” The dynamic duo marched up to the kiosk and Gladys cleared her throat. Lurlene turned and said “What do you want now?” Gladys breathed deep gauged her tone and said “there are some pretty nasty scrapes on the back driver’s wheel fender of the van. I want to document that before we pull out of the parking lot.” Lurlene grabbed her clipboard and studied a piece of paper. “Don’t say that there are any scratches nor nothing on this sheet.” Gladys didn’t hesitate she just switched on her digital camera and pointed the screen towards Lurlene “see they are right there. I have not even put the key in the ignition and I want it documented that I didn’t cause those.” Lurlene wrinkled her nose and looked at the screen “I don’t see nuthin.” Gladys turned the camera so she could see the picture and pointed to the scrapes “right there. See them along the wheel well? It looks like white paint.” Lurlene squinted her eyes and shook her head “nope not seein anything.” Gladys restrained herself from knocking Lurlene to the ground and banging her bee-hive into the stained concrete floor. She instead took a deep breath and started speaking really low and slow “then get up of your big bee-hive wearing hick-ass and come out here and look at it.” Lurlene squinted her eyes and leaned over Gladys “WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST SAY?” Gladys pulled all five feet two inches up as big as she could get and said “I said for you to get up off your big bee-hive wearing hick-ass and go look for yourself. Do you have a problem with that or with me?”

“I’ve got this Lurlene” Gladys heard another voice say from behind her. Gladys turned to see Ms. Kat standing there. “Ms. Gladys I’ll document the scrapes. You just go on. I hope everything works out well for you. You have a save trip and again I apologize for any inconvenience.” Gladys a little ashamed and a whole lot embarrassed at losing her cool turned to Lurlene and said “Lurlene, I am sorry that I insulted you. That was not very mature of me. I hope you will accept my apology.” Lurlene starred at Gladys and said “look I don’t like you and you don’t like me let’s just let it go at that cause I ain’t apologizing to nobody.” Gladys nodded her head then thanked Ms. Kat once again and started out the door. Nancy ran to catch up and grabbed Gladys’ hand then turned just as they went out the roll up door into the withering heat and said to Lurlene “BITCH!” Gladys sucked in a gasp then stifled a laugh and said “Nancy that wasn’t very nice. That is a naughty word.” Nancy stopped put her hands on her hips and said “I jest tellin de twuth, Annie.”