Am I Blue, Yes I'm Blue

It is Thursday. I know it is Thursday because it is time for Theme Thursday. I have been a bad theme Thursday participant lately. I have been drive-by posting and not really reading what other people have written. Last week I had an excuse. It wasn’t a doctor’s excuse but it was an excuse because the Linky thingy was down and I didn’t get to click on the links on the Theme Thursday page and get magically transformed into Lettuce land or VE’s nonsensical world. I couldn’t read Willow nor nuthin. This week I promise to do better. This week’s theme is Blue. Well being from West Texas I automatically thought of what all West Texans think of when you say blue. Oh well just read on then go over to Theme Thursday and look at everyone else’s’ colorful take on blue.


The wind whistled through the mesquite trees as Matilda and Gladys the rootin, tootin cowgirls rode their stick horses round the range. They had chased down the cattle rustlers and Matilda was getting ready to hog tie them when she lifted her face to the now darkening sky. “Gladys, we better get in the house it looks like it’s blowing up a good one” she yelled as she grabbed her little sister by the arm. Gladys looked up and saw the big white puffy clouds turning an ominous blue.

Gladys felt the chill sweep right through her thin cotton romper. It had been stifling hot just ten minutes earlier. They had to stop their pursuit of the rustlers twice and take deep drinks from the garden hose next to the tomato plants. She had wanted to run through the sprinklers but Nurse Meme had told the girls not to get their newly teased and sprayed hair wet. “Matilda look at that cloud! It is as blue as your eyes” Gladys mused as she was being drug up the hill towards the safety of the house.

This would be a picture of Matilda.  As I was found under a rock and have

no pictures of me as a child.  It was too dark under that rock.

“Gladys come on! Move it! I don’t like the looks of that cloud. If it starts dumpin rain and we get our hair wet Momma is gonna kill us.” The girls scurried up the hill and ran toward the house and the wind got stronger and colder. It couldn’t have been more than a 50 yard spread from where they had dropped their broomstick horses to the back porch. The temperature had dropped a degree for each yard they had traveled. Gladys whined “I’m cold! Why is it so cold?” Matilda rolled her eyes and strengthened her grip on her little sister.

Finally they made it to the screened porch goose pimples peppering their little bodies like ostrich quills. They made it through the door as the rain let loose. Gladys looked at the temperature gauge on the wall. “Matilda!” Gladys screamed as she pointed at the wall “it says it’s 33 degrees out here. It was 90 degrees not 30 minutes ago at lunch.” Matilda walked over and thumped the mercury filled tube “yep it looks like it’s right” then pulled her quivering little sister into the house. Gladys ran into the kitchen and started yanking tins out of the cabinet and grabbed a pot “want some hot chocolate?” Matilda ran toward the bedroom and yelled “yep. I’ll get us some sweaters.”

Just as Gladys was pouring the chocolate into the big blue mugs Trooper Bob walked in the door.

 “What are you girls up to?” he asked as he unfastened his gun belt.  Gladys chirpped “I’m making some hot chocolate.” Trooper Bob shook his head and said “don’t you know it’s summer time? You should drinking Fizzies.” Gladys stepped off the stool and declared “but it’s cold out there. The themommeter said it was 33 dee-grease.” Trooper Bob smiled “yeah, we had a blue norther blow through. It will be gone in no time.”

Gladys tilted her head to the side “what’s a blue northerner?” Trooper Bob laughed “not northerner but I guess if he got caught in a blue norther then he would be a blue northerner. It’s when cold air comes rushing out of the north. The sky gets grey then the clouds turn blue. That’s what we call a blue norther. Heck we used to have them so bad when I was a youngin that the ponds would all freeze.”

Gladys sat a cup of cocoa in front of her daddy and urged him for more stories. “My Uncle tells the story of the time that he was fishin over on the clear fork of the Brazos river. He said it was a beautiful day. There was a gaggle of Canadian Geese that landed on the river takin a respite from their flight to warmer territory when all of a sudden there came a terrible wind and the temperature dropped 80 degrees in a matter of minutes. It dropped so fast that those geese didn’t have time to take flight.”

Gladys’ eyes went wide “what happened to them geese daddy?” Trooper Bob took a long pause and a deep draw from his cocoa. He wiped his mouth and said “well baby, they all started beatin their wings and they took off in flight still frozen in that water. They flew as hard and fast as they could toward Mexico where they knew it would be warmer. As they flew that water started melting and watered all them farms down there in the valley. That’s why they got so many good crops down there.” Gladys snorted “un-uh. That’s not why. Is that story true?” Trooper Bob took another sip of his drink and looked intently out into the yard and said “how many times have we ever driven over the Brazos River when there was any water in it? See they took all the water in the river with them.” That cinched it. Gladys bought it hook line and sinker. She always looked for water under that bridge and there never was any. That explained it all.

Gladys was older now and much more mature. She and her new boyfriend, Buford, were traveling from the little town where she lived to the big city and the amusement park. They drove and talked and laughed telling each other little tid-bits of information. “See that old building over there? My great granddaddy built all the cabinets in it” Gladys offered. “Really? My great granddaddy dug the well for that building. See that over there? It used to be a coal mine” Buford replied. Then she saw it front of her. “Do you know why there ain’t never no water in the clear fork of the Brazos?” Buford looked at her for just a moment and said “yeah, cause them Canadian geese done flew away with it all.” Gladys shook her head in agreement and said “Dadgum blue northerners!”

Lawrence Of Suburbia Part IV

This is the next installment of Lawrence of Suburbia.  I guess that is stating the obvious since it isn't the last installment.  Once again we peak in on the niave college girl alone in the not so big town.  Now if you are just joining us, too bad, I'm not telling you what is going on.  You have to go back here and read this and then this, then this.    So lets go back to those thrilling days of yesteryear and the adventures of....

Part IV – Life Lessons


Gladys enjoyed her time with Omar. She would meet him for dinner or accompany him on drives through the countryside. He was always a gentleman and never made suggestions that were untoward. He would visit Gladys at her job or they would meet at the Ice House Bar.

She loved working her afternoons at the department store and picked up extra hours by working in the office. Mr. Bean, the store manager, treated her as if she were one of his own children. He would ask if she had eaten, gotten her oil changed and made it to all her classes. He was a jovial and fatherly type who always had a kind word and peppermints in his pocket. “Gladys would you mind terribly running this deposit to the bank?” he asked one afternoon. She was thrilled with this new task and proud that he had that much faith and trust in her. She took the locked bank bag, swung her blue jean purse over her shoulder and walked to her car.

Gladys walked into the First National Bank building and made her way to the teller line marked “commercial”. She felt so grown up and important standing there with her fellow business people. An elderly man with a blue suit and brown cowboy boots stood in front of her. All around her were important people conducting business. They were applying for loans and depositing their day’s earnings and there she was in the middle of it all, feeling just as important. The teller motioned her forward with a smile. “Hi! How are ya today?” the pretty red haired girl asked. Gladys liked this woman working in this big bright beautiful building that had the aroma of money wafting through its rafters. They chatted as the red haired girl named Eunice tallied up the deposit and stamped the slip. Eunice smiled as she handed the bag through the slot “you come back to my window and we’ll chat some more. Ok?” Gladys promised she would and almost skipped back to her car. She loved being independent and grown up. She could make friends and take on new responsibilities and didn’t have to worry about how late she stayed out or wonder what her mother would say.

Gladys was in General Psychology class. Dr. Thornton was droning on and on about narcissistic behavior. His class was in a large auditorium type class room that was once again packed. She looked to her left and saw one of her study partners signaling. Dave, a city policeman, kept mouthing something. Gladys tilted her head to the side and made a questioning gesture. Dave pointed toward the door, then at his watch then back at the door. Finally she figured out he was asking to meet him after class. Gladys figured it was something about the upcoming observation project on which they were partnering. She slapped her forehead then smiled and nodded yes and went back to taking as many notes as possible.

“So, what have you been up to” Dave asked over coffee. Gladys smiled and told him about the guy she had been seeing. He listened intently, but his demeanor changed when she told him that he owned the most popular salon in town. He leaned in toward her and asked “so how close are you to this guy?” Gladys smiled wistfully and said “well, I kind of think of him as a big brother or fairy god-father.” Dave looked her in the eyes with concern and said “well be careful.” She passed it off to the fact that Dave was a cop; he was suspicious and protective by nature. Gladys also had a gleaming of an idea that it had to do with the fact that Omar was 20 years her senior.

“Where is my little one?” Gladys heard him ask as she was packing up the store’s deposit. “Omar! What are you doing here” she asked as she came through the office door. He grabbed her shoulders and kissed each cheek “I came to see if my little one had eaten today.” Gladys blushed and looked to see if her co-workers had witnessed the exchange “nope, don’t have time. I’m on my way to the bank.” Omar looked at the bag and then up at Gladys “what bank?” Gladys held the bank bag up and said “First National! I met the nicest teller there. Hey why don’t you go with me?” Omar’s eyes narrowed and he coughed “oh, no your boss would not like that. I must get back to the shop. I will see you later.” He turned and left without another word. Gladys stood looking out the front window as he drove off.

She did not see Omar for several weeks after this exchange. She wanted to call him and ask if she had done something wrong, if she had angered him. She wanted to call him and tell him she missed their walks and talks. She wanted to speak to him but she was brought up not to call boys or in this case men. She was taught that they were to call you. The truth was she couldn’t call him, because she didn’t have his phone number. She didn’t have a clue where he lived and the girls at the salon always said he was out when she just happened to be in the neighborhood. She was crushed, heartbroken, forlorn and in emotional angst.

She stood in line at the bank waiting for Eunice to finish with the man with the turned up cowboy boots. She stood there trying to sort out what had happened, what she might have said or done. “Gladys get on over here! Where is your mind” Eunice asked. Gladys looked up to see that she was the next and only person in line. She realized she had tears running down her face when she got to the window. “Hun, you okay? You need a tissue or something” Eunice looked through the bars reaching through the tray to pat Gladys on the hand. “I’m fine. Just trying to figure out something that’s all” she replied. The woman behind the window quipped “Sugar, it’s a man isn’t it? I can tell. I get off here in an hour, what time do you get off?” Gladys wiped her eyes, blew her nose and squeaked out “I just have to drop off this bag at the store then I’m off.” Eunice zipped up the bag wrote an address on a piece of paper and slid it through the window “hun, this is my address. You come on over to my house. I’ll make up some margaritas and you can tell me all about it. Now go powder your nose, fluff up your hair and put on some lipstick. You’ll be better in no time.”

Gladys took the paper and smiled at her friend “Okay. I’ll stop and get a bucket of chicken and some ice cream too.” She left the bank feeling a little better. Maybe Eunice could tell her what she had done wrong.

The Triangle of Love

It is here! The day of the week that comes way too soon. Theme Thursday is upon us. Every week I wonder where time has gone. How come when I was in third grade it seemed to take forever for lunch time to arrive yet these days it seems as if I just had breakfast and it’s already bedtime? This week’s theme is triangle. I have to tell you that I am probably one of the most musically untalented people you will ever meet. When I was in elementary school music class they took every musical instrument away from me because of my lack of talent, including the triangle. Yes I could not even get banging a metal rod on another bent metal rod right. That didn’t stop me though, I eventually was given a pair of castanets and stuck in the back of the room to try and keep time with the rest of the semi and truly talented kids. I digress. This weeks theme being triangle made my mind go in many directions and then it hit me. I knew just where to place my coordinates. I knew I must talk about the love triangle in my past.


She looked at him lovingly and longingly. The tension in the air was palpable. He knew Bonnie was taken. Her lover, Butch, sat next to her but she longed for him, Clyde. His shiny black hair and big brown eyes made her lick her lips as she watched him move across the floor.

He took a drink and looked at her again this time not guarding his stare. He admired her golden blond hair hanging long and silky over her petite frame. He could smell her sweet perfume which drove him crazy. He wanted her so bad he was shaking. His heart raced and his mind became muddled. He had to do it. He had to challenge Butch for the woman he loved.

Butch felt the tension. He saw the way Clyde lusted after his woman. The stares between the two did not go unnoticed. He was determined to protect his position. He would not let this inferior male come between him and his beloved Bonnie. He would fight to the death if he must but he would not give her up. He positioned himself between Bonnie and Clyde. He made a deep guttural sound alerting them that he was in control and not to be trifled with.

Clyde had enough. His adrenaline was flowing like a river overflowing its banks. He could restrain himself no more and he made his attack. It was brutal and bloody. He went right for Butch’s vulnerable side. He grabbed hold of the bigger stronger male’s neck and would not let go.

Bonnie screamed and ran in search of safety. She sat cowering watching the brutal display by these two men who allured her so. She could not take her eyes from the scene which played out in front of her. She knew they would not stop until one was disabled or dead. She sat frozen feeling helpless yet a little enthralled.

Clyde threw Butch on the ground and was going for the kill just as Gladys walked in the room and caught them. She grabbed the little black Yorkie-poo, Clyde, off of Butch, the Yorkshire Terrier, and scolded them both as she stuffed them in their kennels. She lifted the skirt from the couch and pulled the shaking Bonnie, the tea cup Yorkie, into her arms. She kissed the little dog on her head and asked “aren’t you ashamed of yourself for becoming involved in this ugly love triangle?” Bonnie blinked her big brown eyes, sniffed and stared longingly at both of her men. “Come on little girl. Time to go get you fixed” Gladys declared as she carried the little dog to the car for her ride to the vet.

That is how this guy got the name KILLER.

Just The Facts for the Week Ending 6-22-2010

It has been a while since I’ve done the local police report so I thought I would share it with you.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 6-22-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Erin Cole (comments by Gladys)  Good job Erin!

Wednesday, 6/9/2010
6:40 a.m. Sometime during the night, a thief made off with some booty after a homeowner on Treasure Island Way in Kalispell noticed a purse and some other belongings were missing.
What did they expect? Living on Treasure Island and all.  I think I saw this guy making off with the booty.

Thanks janisluvj.com

Hey he can make off with my booty any time.

12:56 p.m. After missing several business appointments in the area, a Colorado man was reported missing. He was eventually located in a jail cell, where he landed after too much drinking and fishing resulted in a DUI.
Okay I understand how too much drinking can land you in jail; but too much fishing??
4:11 p.m. A person on North Foys Lake Road called and said he had heard “bullets zinging past” his head. The report turned out to be unfounded.

This came from theawesomer.com

Those weren’t bullets they were mosquitoes the size of 747’s.

Thursday 6/10/2010

7:40 a.m. A Columbia Falls woman reported that her neighbor hurled a dead chicken at her pigs.
A dead chicken? Maybe it was a life chicken until it hit Porky right between the eyes. Are you sure it wasn’t some sort of barn yard hazing ritual?  Or maybe she was part of some strange South American cult.

10:44 a.m. The Trade Commission called a Bigfork woman and told her that her husband had won $750,000 but needed to pay a $2,100 insurance fee for the check’s safe delivery. The woman wisely saw through the scam and contacted authorities.
Before or after she sent them the $2100?

4:45 p.m. A forensic anthropologist determined that bones found on Conrad Drive in Kalispell were those of an animal and not of a human.
What was the first clue? The fact it had four legs and paws or that it had an elongated head and claws?

go look at other oddities at unexplained-mysteries.com

11:38 p.m. During a cell phone conversation with his daughter, a parent overheard her and her boyfriend moving furniture out of the family’s Whitefish home. As the parent had not asked for any furniture to be moved, he contacted the authorities.

Man I want a bionic ear too.   You know the one they advertise on T.V. where the nosey old neighbor listens in to everything the two friends say about her? 

yeah the one you didn't need to hear Billy Mayes and not the one being advertised by Lee Majors.  LEE MAJORS PEOPLE!  The Bionic Man, who could outrun a train and jump over really high things and hear a crime being commited 6 miles away is now advertising hearing aides.  OH MY GAWD I AM OLD!!




1:52 a.m. A couple camping at Glacier Campground awoke to discover a bear prowling near their tent. The couple decided to spend the night in their vehicle, armed with bear spray and guns.

Now see I would have spent the night in my car too. Two states away.  Remind me to tell you about me and the bear sometime.

5:44 p.m. In Columbia Falls, someone used an axe to destroy another person’s lawn mower.
See Harold! I told you not to mow the grass at 6 a.m. on Saturday.

6:38 p.m. Two medium-sized bears, one black, the other sporting cinnamon-colored fur, were spotted on Many Lakes Drive. The bears allegedly display an overly-friendly disposition to people.

Was it Yogi and Booboo?
9:17 p.m. In Kalispell, a man was “running around outside and acting crazy” and looking under his trailer and boat for law enforcement officials. Suspecting an overdose, authorities had the man transferred to the hospital.
Maybe he was running from the bears.

Friday 6/11/2010
4:12 p.m. A dead skunk was left in a mailbox on White Birch Lane in Kalispell.
Geeze does the madness never end? A couple of months ago someone left a beaver in a mailbox. This redneck mafia is way out of hand.  "Hey Bubba, I want chew to make dis guy an offer he can't refuse..."

8:26 p.m. Suspicious circumstances, of an unknown nature, were reported happening behind the Rainbow Bar. An investigation is ongoing.
Maybe it was just a bunch of drunk leprachans hiding their pots of gold.

Monday 6/14/2010

2:15 p.m. An intoxicated adult male passed out in a Kalispell gas station bathroom. When authorities found him, he was clutching a beer.
Hum I wonder why he passed out?  Did someone draw a mustach on him too?

12:49 a.m. A car, with its lights turned off, repeatedly drove up and down Sleepy Hollow Road. Deputies cannot confirm if Ichabod Crane was in the neighborhood at the time.

Thanks Erin, I don’t have to say a word on this one.

Tuesday 6/15/2010

3:19 p.m. When a Whitefish woman woke up from an afternoon siesta, she discovered her vehicle missing. Authorities discovered it parked four streets away.

Was she clutching a beer in her hand?
10:56 p.m. A family disturbance was reported on Peaceful Drive in Bigfork.
Guess it wasn't very peaceful was it?

Wednesday 6/16/2010

11:41 a.m. Kalispell’s own sporadic nudist made an appearance at a local park. Deputies failed to locate him.
He would be the naked guy on the merry-go-round clutching his beer.

8:40 p.m. Unsurprisingly, loud music was heard on College Avenue.
6:07 a.m. When asked by a Martin City resident why they were driving around at such an early hour, two males replied that they were siphoning gas.
Well at least they are honest thieves.
Monday 6/21/2010
1:39 a.m. An intoxicated woman took refuge behind a Columbia Falls bar as she was “afraid of the bears.” Deputies assisted her home.

Why were they trying to hide her car and take her beer?

Joe Friday quote for the week:
Friday: "All right, tunnel-mouth, let's all save time! Last April a police officer was shot. We think you and this shotgun did it."

No go on and be careful out there!