This Is Just A Test

This week’s Theme Thursday is test. Wait a minute no one told me there was going to be a test. I didn’t study. My dog ate my homework. I thought it was on Tuesday. I can’t give you a sample I just went. Sorry, I hear the word test and well what can I say? The excuses floweth forth. I know many of you are probably thinking test as in your knowledge and others might have a mental picture of that big bulls eye screen that used to pop up on the television when there would be a test of the emergency broadcasting system, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

 My mind went instantly to an incident that happened several years ago. So my Theme Thursday presentation is here for your enjoyment. When you finish mine please go read what the other presenters have tried and tested.


Gladys sat at her desk and sorted through the envelopes. She picked up the large manila envelope and slipped out the paper. She looked at the print and sighed. She saw the long list of names and knew this was going to be yet another battle. She picked up the phone and dialed the number. “Hi Beaudreux, yeah it’s me Gladys. Uh-huh I got the list of names today. Yep, I’ll hand the envelopes out in their paychecks on Friday. You make sure they show up okay?” She disconnected and pulled out the form letter. She rolled the first one into her Selectra and began typing in the names on each letter from the list.

Emitchell, was an older man who did handy-man work in the office.He came into her office as she was sealing the last letter. “Hey der Miz Gladys, how you be” he asked as she stacked the envelopes. “Hi Emitchell, I’m jist fine how are you” Gladys asked in reply. She enjoyed Emitchell's daily visits. He always had an interesting story to tell and he always brought her little chocolates. Emitchell had worked at the company almost as long as Gladys. He was a jack-of-all-trades but usually acted as the janitor/office runner.

“So Emitchell that is an interesting name how did you get the name Emitchell?” Gladys asked. He stopped stuffing the trash into the plastic bag “when my mawma had me she couldn’t think of the name my daddy had come up with. So when the nurse asked what the baby’s name was she said Eh, um Eh, Eh-mitchell. The nurse thought she said E-Mitchell.” Gladys smiled “Well I guess it just stuck then didn’t it?” Emitchell nodded “Yep I reckon it did.”

Gladys fingered the envelopes and pulled one out. “Emitchell, this is yours. I know you don’t read very good so if you want me to read it to you I will.” Emitchell slowly walked toward Gladys and the envelope. His hand shook as he took it and asked “am I fired?” Gladys smiled “no, it just says you have to go right now and take a drug test.” Emitchell opened the envelope, squinted and read lips moving slowly trying to decipher the letters. “Miz Gladys, I didn’t study for no test. I don’t know nuthin bout drugs.” Gladys stood up and put her hand on the man’s shoulder “you can’t study for this test. It is to see if you have drugs in your system. It is mandatory, that means you HAVE to do it.”

Emitchell shook his head back and forth in confusion and looked harder at the paper in his hand. “Why they wanna test me? I ain’t sick. I don’t take no drugs.” Gladys smiled and turned the man toward the door “Emitchell just go down the hall to Miz Gwen’s office and she will get you all fixed up. Don’t worry it will be fine.” She watched as the man shuffled down the hall to take his test.

Several days later Gladys again opened the brown manila envelope labeled Specialty Labs. She glanced through the names and her eyes were instantly drawn to the middle of the page. There in black in white was Emitchell’s name in the Positive for Cocaine column. COCAINE? EMITCHELL? She felt light headed, the room was fuzzy then she realized she had not breathed since she opened the package. She took the receiver from its cradle and pushed the numbers. “Hi, this here is Gladys over at Sludge-R-Us. Yeah, um I got this month’s test results and I need to make sure that one of them is right.” Gladys asked the lady on the other end to verify the results. She asked her to double check them, triple check them and then check them again. She acquiesced and hung up.

Gladys went to the microphone and clicked the button SQUEALCH, Crackle “Emitchell come to the front office please.” She waited and looked back through the list to make sure it was right.

He came through the door and smiled “What kin I do fer ya Miz Gladys? You need yer trash dumped? You know I think that light bulb up der is bout to go on you. You want me to git the ladder and fix it?” Gladys looked at the flickering bulb and then back at Emitchell. It would have been so much easier if that was all it was but she knew he had a more difficult job to do. “Nope, Mitch, I need to talk to you. Why don’t you have a seat” she said and motioned for the chair next to her desk. “Mitch, I got your test results” Gladys said as she sat the results on her desk.

Emitchell smiled and looked over at the paper “What it say Miz Gladys?” She swallowed the large lump in her throat and croaked “it’s not good.” Emitchell looked confused and then concerned “Miz Gladys, are you alright? You don’t look so good.” Gladys shook her head “I’m not good Mitch. You see I really like you and want to do everything I can to help you.” Emitchell looked pained and then asked “why do you need to help me?” Gladys took the paper and turned it toward the man “you tested positive for cocaine. Mitch, have you been using cocaine?”

Emitchell jumped back in his chair as if Gladys had handed him the paper on fire. “No MA’AM! I never did nuthin like that. I don’t do no drugs.” Gladys looked at the paper again and pointed toward the line “but Mitch, it shows right here that you tested positive. Why would the test show positive if you never took any drugs?” Emitchell shook his head and looked at his shoes. “Miz Gladys, I swear on my Momma’s grave I ain’t never done no drugs.” Gladys shook her head in confusion.

“Mitch, is it possible you were exposed and didn’t know it? I mean like I’ve heard of people putting pot in brownies” Gladys asked. Emitchell sat and scratched his grey haired head. He thought and thought then his eyes lit up. “Miz Gladys, my girlfriend likes dem drugs. Do you think I got it from her?” Then he got real quiet and said “you know, when we is having relations?” Gladys shook her head “I don’t know Mitch, let me call the lab maybe they know if you can test positive from that.

The phone rang and Gladys was connected to the lab technician “um, yeah, I have kind of a strange question. Can you test positive for cocaine if you um yourself didn’t ingest it but the person you were um, you know, um, having carnal knowledge with did?” The line went quiet then there was a faint cough on the other end “no ma’am I don’t believe so. I mean you would have to actually absorb the powder yourself.” Gladys sighed and repeated what she had learned to Mitch. At first he just sat quiet then he smiled “dat’s it Miz Gladys! She likes to um sprinkle it on my um, my manly parts then she snorts it off. She says it makes it better!” Gladys was speechless but the lab tech was laughing and snorting on the other end. “Did you hear that? Can that cause a positive” she was finally able to ask. “Yes, ma’am. That’ll do it.”

Gladys hung up the phone. She sighed heavily and looked at the older man sitting next to her “Mitch, please don’t let your girlfriend do that anymore. I think I can explain it to the boss this time but if you fail another test. Well, I don’t know what will happen.” Emitchell stood up and patted Gladys on the shoulder “Ok Miz Gladys. I’ll tell her not to do that anymore. I promise I’ll pass my next test.”