Monday, September 3, 2018


Once upon a time I used to do this thing called Just The Facts.  I lived in a small town up in Montana and I loved reading the Police Report.  Now with all the information on the whirled wide webs you can get Police Reports from all over the country.  So how happy was I when the other morning while perusing the internets I found these little gems.  So how this works, is I read the report then I write down the first thought that comes to my mind.  It is scary, I know.  I mean you never know what rabbit hole my pea brain will hop down.  So here we go.  I am a little rusty but we will do this together.

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

• THEFT – 500 block of N.E. 7th Street, 5:20 a.m. Theft of an antique gas pump from a yard was reported.
Was there antique gas in the pump?  Did it make the car miss and sputter like when you get bad gas at the station?
• THEFT – 1300 block of East Hubbard Street, 9:20 a.m. A drive shaft was stolen from a vehicle at an auto dealership.
Hey y’all, you know what would be fun?   Let’s go grab a drive shaft from the Ford dealer.  I mean I could use a new one and you know how simple it is to just sneak in there and grab one.
• CRIMINAL MISCHIEF – 300 block of N.W. 4th Avenue, 11:36 a.m. A woman filed a complaint about moving boxes being left in front of her residence after a Facebook dispute.
Were they magic boxes?  Was she sure there wasn’t something alive in those boxes making them move?  And you know the first thing I do when I’m mad at someone on Facebook is scream right on over to their house and leave magic boxes outside.
• FOUND PROPERTY – 3000 block of N.E. 2nd Street, 7:06 p.m. A man found a phone and turned it over to police.
Well, that was nice of him. 
• DOMESTIC DISTURBANCE – 300 block of S.E. 25th Avenue, 8:44 p.m. A verbal argument took place outside a restaurant.
I told you those were MY fries.  DON’T TOUCH MY FRIES.   Have you seen my phone?
• INFORMATION – 1100 block of S.E. 18th Street, 10:40 p.m. A stepfather reported a child being unruly. The child reported the presence of drugs in the home.
Quid Pro -uhoh!
• FOUND PROPERTY – 200 block of South Oak Avenue, 4:08 a.m. Glasses found were turned into the police department.
Now see I totally get this.  I am forever losing my glasses.  I swear I have 40 pairs of glasses and I can’t find any of them.  I didn’t think to look on Oak Avenue
• FRAUD – 1300 block of N.W. 1st Avenue, 9:17 a.m. A family member was accused of fraudulently transferring property into their name.
Hey Kahuna, I see your sisters are at it again. 
• THEFT – 2300 block of East Hubbard Street, 12:03 p.m. Someone used identification to fraudulently purchase three phones on a phone account.
It’s because they lost their phone up there on N.E. 2nd
• ARREST – Harvey Road, 3:22 p.m. Multiple calls were made regarding a man walking nude near the airport.  Seymore Hiney (made up name) was found and arrested on a misdemeanor charge of disorderly conduct-indecent exposure.
Thankfully I just lose my phone and glasses.  This poor guy lost his clothes
• ANIMAL BITE – 3000 block of N.E. 2nd Street, 6:11 p.m. A man asked to surrender their kitten for the safety of his family.

Wait!  What?  A kitten?  A kitten was a threat to his family’s safety?  What kind of kitten?  A mountain lion? So ferocious!  Run away!  Run away!
• INFORMATION – 2000 block of S.E. 10th Street, 6:45 p.m. A bank in New York complained about a possible threat it received.
Uh?  I’m confused the bank was threatened or the 2000 block of 10th street?
• COUNTERFEIT CURRENCY – 1500 block of U.S. Highway, 11:38 a.m. A store reported counterfeit money being passed.
Maybe they mistook their Monopoly Money for Real Money
• WELFARE CHECK – 600 block of South Oak Avenue, 12:34 p.m. Young children were found in the middle of the street unsupervised.
When I was a kid this was called playing.  We all did it.  We would play in the street until a car came and then the look out would yell CAR and we would go to the side of the street until it passed.  Heck our parents TOLD us to go play in the street.
• ASSAULT – 2200 block of N.E. 4th Street, 8:18 p.m. A neighbor allegedly assaulted another neighbor.
Get off my LAWN!
• PORNOGRAPHY – 3800 block of Ram Boulevard, 11:52 a.m. A report was made and investigation initiated into a student using their school-issued laptop Friday to access an Internet chat site and showing to students men performing lewd sex acts. The student also reportedly turned the laptop's camera so that the men could see other students in the classroom.
Well I’ve never heard of them teaching Sex-Ed this way.
• ASSAULT – 600 block of S.W. 13th Street, 8:36 a.m. A man stated his wife is off her medication and becomes aggressive at times.
I am not crazy, my mother had me tested.
• THEFT – 2300 block of South Oak Avenue, 10:29 p.m. A woman said her estranged husband stole her cell phone.
So she went to the 600 block of 13th street.  See she wasn’t off her meds
All right folks, as the officers who are the keepers of the Duck of Justice, The Bangor Maine Police Department, say keep your hands to yourselfs, leave other peoples stuff alone and be kind to each other. 

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