November 07
Divorce or #1 in the Daddy Chronicles
I’m going to start a new segment called “Daddy Chronicles” because that is what they are. My whole life growing up I heard the stories of my Daddy’s life. He is an accomplished story teller and would wind us through the allies and paths of his life, work, friends and adventures. Sometimes they would be stories of his childhood other times they would be of what happened as a young patrol officer and often they were what happened yesterday. Some of these stories may only be of interest to my family and some those who wonder upon my writings will enjoy. You see in our family the art of the story is huge and my daddy can paint a picture like Monet or Renoir. Here is my first installment of the Daddy Chronicles.
My daddy in one of his early careers and the one that he had during most of my growing up years was a Texas Department of Public Safety Officer. In other words Cheese it boys, it’s the cops. Here in Texas they are called troopers or DPS officers. He was stationed in south of San Antonio in a small little burg and was teamed up with an older more seasoned officer named Homer. Now Homer didn’t get real upset or excited about much and was a perfect match for my low keyed daddy. They became great friends and great partners.
Back in those days the officers were respected and revered. They had complete say-so over almost every issue. The public that they were sworn to protect were often uneducated or back-woods or better said country folk. The other thing is that back then an officer and his partner may be assigned to a whole county and in Texas that could mean over a thousand square miles. They had to cover a whole lot of territory. While the people in their district knew who they were they may only see them once or twice a month and in some of the more remote areas once or twice a year.
After only being on the job a month or so Trooper Homer and Trooper Bob, my daddy, were called out on a domestic disturbance. They arrived at a small house out in the country to find a husband and a wife fighting. The wife had thrown the husbands things out in the yard and had banished him to sleep in the barn. Their fight was probably about the fact they had 8 kids and he wanted to get frisky again, but whatever the reason they were about to kill one another. Elmer, the irate husband, runs out to the car as the two officer drive up the drive and says “Mr. Homer, she has done gone plum crazy. She’s crazier than my mule and that is pretty damn crazy. I want to deevorce her! Will you deevorce us so I can have some peace?” About that time Bernice, the incensed wife yielding a two by four, runs out to the car and says “Mr. Homer you better deevorce us or Ima gonna kill that son of a biscuit eater!”
Homer slowly exits the car spits a chew of tobacco out and in his hometown Texas drawl says “Now you two calm down, let me get my deevorcin book out of the trunk and we’ll take care of this. Bernice you don’t need to be a killin anybody who would take care of dem kids? And Elmer, you need to jest calm down. I don’t know what you did to get Bernice all riled up but you need to knock it off. Now I’m gonna get my book out and I’m gonna deevorce you but you had better realize jest how serious this is. If I deevorce you I don’t want to have to come back out here to pick up a daid body nor nuthin. You got me?” With that Homer went around to the back of the car and my daddy went around with him. He looked at his partner a little worried and whispered “Homer, we don’t have the authority to divorce those two. They need to go to a lawyer and to court. I never heard of a divorce book.” Homer smiled a knowing smile put his hand on daddy’s shoulder and said “Son, out here we ARE the law to these people which is all encompassing. I’ll get the manual out say a few words make them put their X on a piece of paper and that will be that. Trust me they will want to be back together again before we get back to the station.”
Homer got his book out walked around to the front of the car and did just what he said. He said a few words, made them understand that they were to go nowhere near one another and with an X on an old ticket book they were divorced. Happy as clams, Bernice went back in the house to tend to her brood and Elmer went to the barn to take care of his crazy mule. Daddy and Homer went on to other adventures.
A couple of weeks passed with more adventures and excitement Homer and my daddy forgot about the couple. They arrived at the station one morning to find Elmer and Bernice all loved up waiting out front. Homer got out of the car and greeted the couple and asked what he could do for them. Elmer spoke first and said “Well, we got so lonely without each other and we talked it over and decided we don’t want to be deevorced no more. We want you to undeevorce us.”
Homer smiled and agreed and told them to come into the office. He instructed my daddy to retrieve the old ticket book out of the trunk. Once inside Homer took the deevorce paper out of the book and held it up and said “Now y’all sure you want me to do this? You’re not gonna be callin us in a couple of days to come undo this?” Bernice and Elmer excited bobbed their head up and down in agreement that this is what they wanted. Homer took the paper and tore it up in little pieces and said “Alright now your un-deevorced. You go home and take care of one another and don’t be callin us again.” They thanked Homer and my daddy and ran out of the office to live a happy life together. Well not really because Homer then told my daddy they did this once or twice a year.
That’s how my daddy learned to deevorce and undeevorce people. Can you imagine that happening today?
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Freezing HOT
Are you ready for another installment of the Trooper Bob Chronicles? We have already established that he was a DPS officer back in the day. He was a trooper and my mother was a nurse. Let me ask you, do you think there was anything we as kids could get away with without them knowing about it? You bet there wasn’t. They knew everything sometimes before we knew ourselves. But this isn’t about me it’s about my daddy and his partner.
Being a trooper back in the day meant that you changed assignments about every eighteen months to two years. In other words you were stationed somewhere then eighteen months later you were loading up all your belongings, your family and saying good by to friends and moving 800 miles away. Which is exactly what happened to my family in the early 1960’s my dad was transferred from South Texas to as far west Texas as possible. He was assigned to El Paso. With this new assignment came a new partner and this one was a young man about my daddy’s age with about the same sense of humor and wit in other words a very dangerous combination.
El Paso is located in the Texas off shoot of the Rocky Mountains or better known as the Franklin Mountains. They aren’t huge but in Texas they are considered Mountains. El Paso is also a high desert area which means very high temperatures in the summer range from the high 90’s to well over 110 degrees. It also can get frigid in the winter with snow, ice and below freezing temperatures. This story however takes place in the height of summer when the temperatures even at night were well above the 90 degree mark.
My dad and his new partner, Trooper Ray, had just received their new winter uniforms from the area dispatch office. They issued parkas complete with fur lining and fur trim, winter wool long sleeve shirts; winter felt hats and beanie hats. Yes is it was scorching hot outside but being like boy scouts the DPS wanted to be prepared. Ray and daddy had these in the back seat of their vehicle. They were working the evening shift and had planned on taking them home after their time was up. They were working the stretch of highway that was then between downtown El Paso and Anthony. It was desolate in those days and it was late with little to no traffic.
Then they saw it. It was like a gift from God for two bored troopers. It was a little ray of sunshine in a dark cloudless night. It was a station wagon full of a family on their vacation from New York. A smile crossed daddy’s lips and as if they were one mind Ray knew exactly what would happen next. The cherry light on the top of their vehicle was lit, the squalling of the siren began and they could see the nervousness of the driver of the wagon in his rearview mirror. The driver cautiously slowed his vehicle and pulled to the right of the road. Daddy followed suite and pulled the patrol car, red lights flashing behind the wagon. He then looked at Ray and they both reached into the back seat and grabbed parka, beanies, gloves and donned them while still in the vehicle. They slid galoshes over their boots and pulled their hoods up. They both exited the patrol car and ambled up to the wagon doing their best not to completely melt in the heat wearing their entire winter garb. The family, right down to the little boy in the backwards facing seat, looked at the troopers incredulously. My daddy approached the driver’s side of the wagon with ticket book in hand. He kept rubbing his hands together as if he had just entered the North Pole. The driver rolled his window down a bit but daddy informed him he should keep it just cracked that it was much to cold to roll it all the way down. The man confused and nervous did as he was told. Ray walked around the car looking at the tires and waving to the bazillion little kids in the back rubbing his arms and hands putting on his best “it’s freezing out here act”. My daddy asked the driver if he had his snow chains with him. The man totally confused said no that he didn’t believe he would need them out here in the desert. He asked why he would need them. Then my daddy and Ray explained to the confused northerner that down here in Texas we have these storms called a Blue Northern. They told him he would never be able to make it through the pass without his chains. They asked if the family had thought to pack coats and warm clothing for the children. The driver by this time was upset that they had come to stay a couple of weeks in the warmth of the desert only to find it was going to be freezing and the kids were upset because they would not be able to swim. This exchange went on for several minutes when the man stuck his hand outside the vehicle and said “Hey it’s not cold out there, it’s really hot. Are you sure it’s going to come one of those storms?”
This did not deter my daddy or Ray one bit. They told him he must be getting sick because it was really cold in fact it was so cold they were going to let the man go and find some chains to fit his car and get back into the warmth of their heater. Finally the man asked the two troopers what the temperature was to which they both answered in unison, well it’s about 95 degrees. The man totally confused at this point says “You think that’s cold?” The troopers looked at him and answered “Hell, yeah, anything under a hundred degrees is freezing.”
The family from New York drove off down the road totally and completely in disgust at the two Texas troopers who considered 95 degrees freezing. They had a great story to tell of the event when they got back to New York. My daddy and Ray got a great laugh out of the whole event, not to mention they lost about 50 pounds sweating in those parkas.
Being a trooper back in the day meant that you changed assignments about every eighteen months to two years. In other words you were stationed somewhere then eighteen months later you were loading up all your belongings, your family and saying good by to friends and moving 800 miles away. Which is exactly what happened to my family in the early 1960’s my dad was transferred from South Texas to as far west Texas as possible. He was assigned to El Paso. With this new assignment came a new partner and this one was a young man about my daddy’s age with about the same sense of humor and wit in other words a very dangerous combination.
El Paso is located in the Texas off shoot of the Rocky Mountains or better known as the Franklin Mountains. They aren’t huge but in Texas they are considered Mountains. El Paso is also a high desert area which means very high temperatures in the summer range from the high 90’s to well over 110 degrees. It also can get frigid in the winter with snow, ice and below freezing temperatures. This story however takes place in the height of summer when the temperatures even at night were well above the 90 degree mark.
My dad and his new partner, Trooper Ray, had just received their new winter uniforms from the area dispatch office. They issued parkas complete with fur lining and fur trim, winter wool long sleeve shirts; winter felt hats and beanie hats. Yes is it was scorching hot outside but being like boy scouts the DPS wanted to be prepared. Ray and daddy had these in the back seat of their vehicle. They were working the evening shift and had planned on taking them home after their time was up. They were working the stretch of highway that was then between downtown El Paso and Anthony. It was desolate in those days and it was late with little to no traffic.
Then they saw it. It was like a gift from God for two bored troopers. It was a little ray of sunshine in a dark cloudless night. It was a station wagon full of a family on their vacation from New York. A smile crossed daddy’s lips and as if they were one mind Ray knew exactly what would happen next. The cherry light on the top of their vehicle was lit, the squalling of the siren began and they could see the nervousness of the driver of the wagon in his rearview mirror. The driver cautiously slowed his vehicle and pulled to the right of the road. Daddy followed suite and pulled the patrol car, red lights flashing behind the wagon. He then looked at Ray and they both reached into the back seat and grabbed parka, beanies, gloves and donned them while still in the vehicle. They slid galoshes over their boots and pulled their hoods up. They both exited the patrol car and ambled up to the wagon doing their best not to completely melt in the heat wearing their entire winter garb. The family, right down to the little boy in the backwards facing seat, looked at the troopers incredulously. My daddy approached the driver’s side of the wagon with ticket book in hand. He kept rubbing his hands together as if he had just entered the North Pole. The driver rolled his window down a bit but daddy informed him he should keep it just cracked that it was much to cold to roll it all the way down. The man confused and nervous did as he was told. Ray walked around the car looking at the tires and waving to the bazillion little kids in the back rubbing his arms and hands putting on his best “it’s freezing out here act”. My daddy asked the driver if he had his snow chains with him. The man totally confused said no that he didn’t believe he would need them out here in the desert. He asked why he would need them. Then my daddy and Ray explained to the confused northerner that down here in Texas we have these storms called a Blue Northern. They told him he would never be able to make it through the pass without his chains. They asked if the family had thought to pack coats and warm clothing for the children. The driver by this time was upset that they had come to stay a couple of weeks in the warmth of the desert only to find it was going to be freezing and the kids were upset because they would not be able to swim. This exchange went on for several minutes when the man stuck his hand outside the vehicle and said “Hey it’s not cold out there, it’s really hot. Are you sure it’s going to come one of those storms?”
This did not deter my daddy or Ray one bit. They told him he must be getting sick because it was really cold in fact it was so cold they were going to let the man go and find some chains to fit his car and get back into the warmth of their heater. Finally the man asked the two troopers what the temperature was to which they both answered in unison, well it’s about 95 degrees. The man totally confused at this point says “You think that’s cold?” The troopers looked at him and answered “Hell, yeah, anything under a hundred degrees is freezing.”
The family from New York drove off down the road totally and completely in disgust at the two Texas troopers who considered 95 degrees freezing. They had a great story to tell of the event when they got back to New York. My daddy and Ray got a great laugh out of the whole event, not to mention they lost about 50 pounds sweating in those parkas.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What Dreams May Come
You all have gotten to know me a little bit over the last several months. I mean you know that I have an irrational fear of an errant meteor hurdling from space targeting me and only me. You know that I have a wonderful husband named Kahuna and a daddy that I not only worship but have been known to emulate. You know that I have a grandchild that I would slither through a hot bed of snakes to be with and I am deathly afraid of snakes. You know I have a daughter who not only looks like me but she acts like me too. I also have a son who is a talented photographer, a daughter who is wonderful with animals and for that matter people and my youngest who hasn't quite figured out if she wants to be a brain surgeon or a soda jerk. Although they try to stay out of the limelight they can’t because I pick on everyone, but this isn’t about them. This is about ME.
I have a very active imagination. Oh shut up, I can’t help it. The thing is my imagination does not shut down when I’m asleep. I have the most vivid active dreams in Technicolor. Remember “Technicolor”. Remember when you used to go to the movie and you knew the colors were going to be extremely vibrant because it was in “Technicolor”? Well that is what my dreams are they are “Technicolor Dreams”.
The problem is unfortunately sometimes my dreams are too real. I don’t mean that they come true although that has actually happened more than a couple of times. I mean that they are so real and vivid they will actually spill over into my real life. Like last night I had a dream that my daughter was married to Owen Wilson. No big deal right? I mean here we were with my bother-in-law and his wife and my daughter and Owen and me with Kahuna. I woke up this morning and I had to convince myself that I was not camping with Owen, Kahuna and the gang.
The one that tops the cake is the one I had recently about me and Kahuna. Let’s just call it the Pissed off dream. I had a dream that Kahuna and I were on a trip. He had a present with which he kept taunting me. He would show me the box, a jewelry box at that, and then he would take it away. He was extremely irritating in that respect. Now in real life Kahuna is never irritating, he is kind and generous and just a peach of a guy. He was however none of those things in my dream. He then told me the box was not for me at all but for, gasp, another woman. This drove me over the edge and in my dream we had a huge fight. We argued and fought and I spit venomous accusations and he was non-repentant and very obnoxious about it all. I forced myself out of this horrid dream.
I was awake but my heart was still pounding and my adrenaline was still running on overdrive. I jumped out of the bed trying to get away from Kahuna as quickly as possible. I was pissed and I wanted nothing to do with such an ass-hat. He opened one eye and looked at me groggily and said “What’s the matter? You okay? You don’t look very good.” I narrowed my eyes and spit back “I’m fine asshole, leave me alone!” I stomped off into the other room to try to calm myself down. I heard the bed creak and his footfalls coming my way. There was nowhere else to go. We were living in a three room condo. My only options were to lock myself in the bathroom or go out into the below freezing night air. I chose neither; instead chose to stand my ground.
Kahuna entered the room cautiously because honestly we have never spoken to each other that way and he knew something was wrong. He came over to the couch and sat down next to me again making sure to give me some space. He looked at me with concern and his voice was soft and calm as he asked “What happened?” I looked at him and then the mad, sad tears began to flow. “You bought a sob, sob, then you snuffle, and then I sniff, but you didn’t sob, (suck in air and snot) and then I said..” Then it happened he began to chuckle. The chuckle turned into a snort. The snort turned into a guffaw.
This of course infuriated me even more! How dare he laugh at my pain, my ire, my, my, my dream! I was even more livid than before. He patted my head and shuffled back to bed. I was not sleepy and decided I would stay up and read.
Morning came and Kahuna got up innocent and sweet as normal. He came to the couch and asked if I would like a cup of coffee. I was still so angry that I couldn’t even look at him. We went through most of the day with me mad as a wet hen. I just couldn’t shake being angry. Finally by mid-afternoon I was able to let go of my anger. It was ridiculous that I was so angry because of my imagination. I couldn’t convince myself of that and stayed angry all day.
It took me some time but eventually I asked myself. What are you really angry about? Then I went for the throat. Are those thoughts true? Then I asked the really tough question. Who would I be without those thoughts? What next you ask well according to Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is” it is turning that thought around. I am angry at myself because of… or I am angry because I was giving something to someone else. Then I understood it. I WAS the other woman in my dream. Kahuna wasn’t giving it to someone else he was giving something to ME. He was giving it to me who would appreciate and love it. I know that is all very deep, but how else do you decipher a stupid dream and the anger behind it?
The day ended with me and Kahuna curled up on the couch watching some mindless show on television. That was the jewel in the box. He was the jewel in the box.
I have a very active imagination. Oh shut up, I can’t help it. The thing is my imagination does not shut down when I’m asleep. I have the most vivid active dreams in Technicolor. Remember “Technicolor”. Remember when you used to go to the movie and you knew the colors were going to be extremely vibrant because it was in “Technicolor”? Well that is what my dreams are they are “Technicolor Dreams”.
The problem is unfortunately sometimes my dreams are too real. I don’t mean that they come true although that has actually happened more than a couple of times. I mean that they are so real and vivid they will actually spill over into my real life. Like last night I had a dream that my daughter was married to Owen Wilson. No big deal right? I mean here we were with my bother-in-law and his wife and my daughter and Owen and me with Kahuna. I woke up this morning and I had to convince myself that I was not camping with Owen, Kahuna and the gang.
The one that tops the cake is the one I had recently about me and Kahuna. Let’s just call it the Pissed off dream. I had a dream that Kahuna and I were on a trip. He had a present with which he kept taunting me. He would show me the box, a jewelry box at that, and then he would take it away. He was extremely irritating in that respect. Now in real life Kahuna is never irritating, he is kind and generous and just a peach of a guy. He was however none of those things in my dream. He then told me the box was not for me at all but for, gasp, another woman. This drove me over the edge and in my dream we had a huge fight. We argued and fought and I spit venomous accusations and he was non-repentant and very obnoxious about it all. I forced myself out of this horrid dream.
I was awake but my heart was still pounding and my adrenaline was still running on overdrive. I jumped out of the bed trying to get away from Kahuna as quickly as possible. I was pissed and I wanted nothing to do with such an ass-hat. He opened one eye and looked at me groggily and said “What’s the matter? You okay? You don’t look very good.” I narrowed my eyes and spit back “I’m fine asshole, leave me alone!” I stomped off into the other room to try to calm myself down. I heard the bed creak and his footfalls coming my way. There was nowhere else to go. We were living in a three room condo. My only options were to lock myself in the bathroom or go out into the below freezing night air. I chose neither; instead chose to stand my ground.
Kahuna entered the room cautiously because honestly we have never spoken to each other that way and he knew something was wrong. He came over to the couch and sat down next to me again making sure to give me some space. He looked at me with concern and his voice was soft and calm as he asked “What happened?” I looked at him and then the mad, sad tears began to flow. “You bought a sob, sob, then you snuffle, and then I sniff, but you didn’t sob, (suck in air and snot) and then I said..” Then it happened he began to chuckle. The chuckle turned into a snort. The snort turned into a guffaw.
This of course infuriated me even more! How dare he laugh at my pain, my ire, my, my, my dream! I was even more livid than before. He patted my head and shuffled back to bed. I was not sleepy and decided I would stay up and read.
Morning came and Kahuna got up innocent and sweet as normal. He came to the couch and asked if I would like a cup of coffee. I was still so angry that I couldn’t even look at him. We went through most of the day with me mad as a wet hen. I just couldn’t shake being angry. Finally by mid-afternoon I was able to let go of my anger. It was ridiculous that I was so angry because of my imagination. I couldn’t convince myself of that and stayed angry all day.
It took me some time but eventually I asked myself. What are you really angry about? Then I went for the throat. Are those thoughts true? Then I asked the really tough question. Who would I be without those thoughts? What next you ask well according to Byron Katie in her book “Loving What Is” it is turning that thought around. I am angry at myself because of… or I am angry because I was giving something to someone else. Then I understood it. I WAS the other woman in my dream. Kahuna wasn’t giving it to someone else he was giving something to ME. He was giving it to me who would appreciate and love it. I know that is all very deep, but how else do you decipher a stupid dream and the anger behind it?
The day ended with me and Kahuna curled up on the couch watching some mindless show on television. That was the jewel in the box. He was the jewel in the box.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
A Hunting We Will Go
Excerpts from the Mountain Woman's Files
Feeling more than a little spry this morning I decided to strap on my pack, grab my gear and go out for a day in the woods. I thought I would get in a little hunting. You know bag a few deer to stock up the freezer for the winter.
Long before dawn I had gotten up on the back side of the ridge and had hunkered in next to a tree. I had my weapon of choice a warm thermos of coffee. I had sprayed myself with doe urine because that's what turns the big bucks on and I sat waiting, watching ever vigilant.
I sat under the tree watching the chipmunks play and the rabbits frolic. I watched the sun rise and grow larger in the sky. It was a gorgeous day, temperatures in the upper thirties, the sky that unreal color of blue it gets in the autumn with just a smattering of high clouds. You could smell the snow that would be moving in later in the day but for now it was just right. The ridge had that uniform brown coloring of dead huckleberry bushes and wild sage, perfect camouflage for our four legged friends.
Then I heard the slightest of sounds. The sounds of branches breaking, something or someone moving closer to me through the brush. Then out of the corner of my eye I saw it there in the distance. I sat perfectly still and waited for it to get into the center of my scope. I squeezed the trigger ever so slightly, but he must have heard me for he turned to run. Just as he turned his back I clicked off the safety and taking a deep breath I squeezed the trigger.
It was too late, he was on the run. I must track him like the seasoned scout I am. I grab my gear and slowly ease from my crouched position. I silently made my way though the bush stalking my prey.
I got close enough to get a shot off and then he turned.
Too late I realized it was rutting season. He put his head down and started my direction. I was brave, I was strong, I stood my ground.
He rushed me, I raised my weapon and ran like hell!Ok, Ok, It's all a lie. I am not a hunter, I did not get out of bed at the butt crack of dawn douse myself in deer pee and go traipsing out in the woods. The honest to God truth is I was kissing Kahuna goodbye after lunch and low and behold there was this big old buck in our yard. Me being me ran in and got the camera and being the big scaredie-cat I am stood at least 100 ft from the animal and started taking pictures only this guy came up behind me. Yeah that's why it's fuzzy because he startled me or I should say Kahuna did when he yelled "Look out behind you."
This guy went walking right behind me. 
These guys hang out in the yard around here. Pretty cool isn't it?
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