Gladys has Random Pretty In Pink Thoughts

This is Santa Barbara Wharf

looks like a dream doesn't it?

As you know Friday's are my days to clean the cobwebs from my mind. Oh hush I know if I get rid of the cobwebs then it will be empty. I have been busy running errands and cleaning house which for me are mind numbing. Every once in a while though something will click and I'll go off into one of my wandering wonderings. I will walk shopping cart in hand drooling on my salsa stained shirt thinking thoughts like these.

I would like to thank Girlystuff for rigging, um I mean allowing me to win her contest. Go check her out, and her Etsy shop too. I won the Fleur De Lis crystal necklace. Who is a weener? I am that's who!

OH and a newbie by the name of Mama Face at Blog-Ignoramus gave me this blogger award. Mama Face I'm just so excited I could pee! Thank you so much and welcome, welcome, welcome to my addiction. You too will soon be selling your silver for just 10 more minutes of blogging time. Oh and just so you know...You had me at Modge Podge.
***********************************************************************************

If jumbo shrimp is an oxymoron what is Extra Large Petite?

***********************************************************************************
What happens to the ghost that haunts you when you die? Does he get assigned a new haunt?
************************************************************************************


If people blame our farts on the dog, who does the dog blame it on?


*************************************************************************************
I had a really great day Monday. I joined my friend in helping another friend clean out her closet. So you might say that Lola and I came out of the closet together, then went back in, then came out again.
The lady whose closet we cleaned out is originally from France. She has a charming accent and is a hoot to boot. She is in her late 70’s and is getting ready to go on a Mexican Riviera cruise. I asked her if she had her bikini ready to go and she said “Ze bikini, oui. The body to put in eet, sadly no.”
*************************************************************************************
I went to the local Squal-mart today which is an adventure in every trip. Today I overheard this conversation between a mother and her teen daughter:
Teen: But MOAWAWM I just have to have those XYZ jeans. All the other girls will have them and if I don’t get them I’ll just die.
Mom: So how much are they?
Teen: They are only $189.00 on sale at Macys.
Mom: I’ll make sure we have pink roses at your funeral.
************************************************************************************ Mrs. 4’s over at Half Past Kissing Time brought up a wonderful point in her Friday Fragments about soap operas. I started watching Days of Our Lives in high school, not religiously but every once in a while. Did you know I can flip it on today 30ish years later and it’s EXACTLY the same!
Another thing about soap operas I always want to know where the cities are that these people live in so I can stay FAR FAR away. Kind of like I never want to go to wherever Angela Landsbury lived in Murder She Wrote. Every time she came around someone died. I think she was the real murderer.
************************************************************************************
Ann at Ann Again and Again is having another VGNO. Go over enjoy a cocktail and watch her favorite John Hughes movie. Yes, Mr. Hughes passed this week. I was not of the “Breakfast Club” generation but having children who were I have watched all of the films. I have to tell you my favorite would have to be The Breakfast Club. I loved when Molly Ringwald put her lipstick on by sticking the tube in her cleavage then moved her mouth around the tube. Now THAT is talent Mr. Hasselhoff!




Speaking of Molly some one needs to give her Jenny Craig’s number.


Now go enjoy one another this weekend.


************************************************************************************* Oh and here is a summer cocktail for you.
Gladys is Pretty In Pink
1oz Pineapple Vodka
1/2 oz Captain Morgan Rum
1 oz DeKuyper Island Blue Pucker Schnapps
1 oz DeKuyper Peachtree Schnapps
½ oz Rose’s Grenandine Syrup
½ oz Rose’s Sweet and Sour Mix
Then you know what to do….shake it baby shake it. Serve in a chilled Martini glass with a sugar rim. So good you will want to kiss your bartender.

Don't Look Gladys

I really had to use the bathroom. My eyeballs were floating and I could hold it no more. I locked the front door to the office and waddled knees locked together to my car. I drove as fast as possible the fifteen blocks to the What-A-Burger where I knew sweet relief waited. You see we had just moved into a new office and my boss had not yet had turned on the water. I would bring in bottled water for hand washing and other essentials but really when it comes to the toilet, you want a functioning service. I, being the diligent and devoted employee, came in to work instead of insisting on working toilets and electricity before I began unpacking boxes and putting files in order.

I rushed into the burger joint as quickly as my knocked knees would carry me. I was sucking in air and clenching muscles which had not been used in a while until I finally made it to my deliverance. Relieved I walked out into the restaurant and ordered up a big tall glass of iced tea. The girls knew me well by now as I would use their facilities several times a day and always buy a drink as my payment for the ability to flush. Trust me if you have never had to go without functioning bathroom facilities then you wouldn’t understand why you should go hug your working indoor plumbing.

I grabbed my 120 oz plastic cup of strong iced tea and headed towards my waiting vehicle. The counter girl smiled and waved goodbye knowing I would be back soon. Now this particular What-A-Burger was located conveniently next to a bank. The bank was located conveniently next to a “Rent Your Rims” store. Yes, you can actually rent rims for your low-pro 20 inchers. These businesses were all located just blocks from my office which was located in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. The homeless often hung out in the parking lot of the fast food restaurant as did many of the local gang members with their pants belted around their knees. The electrical lines above the parking lot were littered with tennis shoes dangling in their glory. Now I’m going to divert here and ask a question. If there are 40 pairs of sneakers draped over an electrical line how do you know which drug dealer to approach. When you call them do you say “Is this Mr. Pink Sparklie Sketcher’s? No? Oh you’re Mr. Nike Air. Sorry I got the wrong shoes”? Get the idea? It was not a safe neighborhood.

I had just placed my Jug-O-Tea into the cup holder and forced the 4 foot straw through the hole. I sucked in a mouthful of ice cold tea and started my car. That’s when I felt the jolt to my car. I looked up to see a young man bounce off the hood of my car then take off across the parking area, running and holding his pants in one hand and a bag in the other. I sat perfectly still trying to take in what was happening. Then I saw a man run out of the bank yelling “Stop HIM!” I was frozen. I could not move a muscle. I sat watching the scene play out in front of me like I was watching an episode of COPS. I heard the police rather than saw them barking at people to get out of the way. I sat in my car, face pressed against the glass watching the drama play out.

The officer ran toward my vehicle then around the front of it. His 300 pound 6 foot frame lumbering and sweating in the 90% humidity and the 100 degree heat. He had his gun drawn and was huffing and puffing trying to keep up with the kid in the baggy pants. A second much leaner and younger officer came from behind the What-A-Burger gaining on the perpetrator. I sat stunned and mesmerized as I watched the baggy panted bank robber run right out of his untied sneakers. He kept running through the parking area past “Rent-A-Rim” and through the “Church Of The Mall” parking area. The young officer almost had him when the young perp put on some speed and broke away. Unfortunately so did the strap on his bag. The bag went flying and money floated through the air like a dollar bill snow storm. Things only went downhill from there for our get-a-way boy. His pants had worked their way from his thighs to his knees and he was running penguin style.

The young officer saw his opportunity and again yelled for the perp to stop. The perp turned to see how much of a lead he had on the officer. You could tell by the look on his face that he was trying to decide if he had enough of a head start that he could get away or did he just need to lie down and surrender. Evidently he thought he could make a run for it and he picked up his socked feet in an attempt to once again push his adrenaline into the red-lined zone. It must have been the twisting and the forward movement that caused his pants complete with his boxer shorts to drop around his ankles. This resulted in his feet tangling in the wad of clothes which caused him to fall face first onto the rough pitted hot asphalt. Then he slid like a runner into home plate. He slid belly first face planted into the ground. The young officer heaving and blowing caught up with him and planted a knee on the perp’s back. He took a moment both men breathing hard then began reading him his rights and handcuffing him. His overweight partner caught up with them at this point and they hauled the thief to his feet. Then they walked him back to their squad car in front of the What-A-Burger pants around his ankles, road rash on his private parts. I bet next time he robs a bank he will wear pants that fit.

Just the Facts 8-4-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 8-4-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 7/28/09

2:22 p.m. An injured crow hobbled about on the old courthouse lawn. The creature refused to be captured.

Maybe he just needed some Old Crow.
5:02 p.m. A young boy attempted to leave a local military outlet store with a pair of boots but was caught in the act.
Maybe his mother wanted a new pair of Army Boots. You know as in “Your mother wears army boots?” Oh my GAWD I am older than Methuselah.

8:30 p.m. Someone on South Cedar Drive is concerned about the well-being of a neighbor’s pet Chihuahua. Evidently, the dog is being mistreated and continually gets out of the house.
Maybe he is making a Run for the Border. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”

9:37 p.m. Someone stole a mosquito zapper from a yard on River Place.
Maybe it was a rogue band of Mosquitos

9:51 p.m. A vehicle sped down Browns Meadow Road in Kila, shooting the entire time. This resulted in one dead rabbit.

I understand they have a suspect in custody.

12:16 p.m. Several juveniles hid in the bushes near a Columbia Falls lumber yard, periodically jumping out and spooking passing drivers. The unruly miscreants were counseled.

At least they weren't shooting a passing drivers.

Wednesday 7/2/2009

10:10 a.m. Beef jerky, huckleberries and cherries were stolen from a Hungry Horse business.

Sounds like someone is going on a pick-a-nick

10:50 a.m. A vehicle drove up and down Sherman Road several times. A neighbor found this highly suspicious, but authorities could not locate the offender.
Maybe he was Wabbit hunting




3:30 p.m. A white motor home sped down Highway 2 in the Columbia Heights area with a blown tire, causing sparks to fly from beneath the vehicle. Montana Highway Patrol officers quickly stopped the RV and all is now well.
Thank goodness it was a blown tire and not an open sewer tank. Not that I would know anything about that.

4:00 p.m. On Shady Lane, a 2-year-old accidentally consumed a family member’s allergy medication, causing unpleasant symptoms. The family was put in contact with poison control professionals.

I remember a time when parents gave their kids allergy medicine to make them sleep.

6:42 p.m. A man wearing a black dress and carrying flowers repeated an earlier performance, flashing passers-by at a local motel. The obscene gentleman was at last taken into police custody. I see Corporal Klinger is out and about again.
9:48 p.m. Six to eight children were seen running about at a local elementary school. A nearby resident found this behavior highly unusual.
Children at an elementary school? That is suspicious.

9:49 p.m. Authorities responded to reports of a big green laser beam shining across Highway 2 from the window of a nearby home. Those responsible for the laser beam were informed that this is dangerous and unacceptable.
Wait! They REALLY had a laser beam? What were they doing with a laser beam?
Thursday 7/30

8:17 a.m. A county vehicle was taken to a glass repair shop in order to fix a rock chip on the windshield.

Why is this a 9-1-1 call? Do I have to report my windshield crack to 9-1-1? How about a butt crack?
8:38 a.m. Someone at a local RV park claims that he was bitten by his own dog. A responding officer assisted in resolving the situation.

He ratted out his own dog? Maybe he should call The Dog Whisperer and not 9-1-1

9:08 a.m. A man was seen walking down Highway 2 near a local agricultural store with a small child in his arms. Although a passer-by was concerned for their well-being, the duo was found to be happy and unharmed.
I wonder what people found suspicious? The fact they were walking or the fact they were happy?

3:27 p.m. A 57-year-old female subject became dizzy after being hit by a shopping cart at an Evergreen box store. She received appropriate medical care.
Who else smells a lawsuit brewing?

4:09 p.m. At a local park, a woman was heard screaming for help from within a nondescript vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle could not be located by responding officers.

Where could she have gone?

4:48 p.m. A gentleman in Whitefish assaulted his wife and was subsequently sent directly to jail.
I think we found the screaming woman. Oh and I bet he went directly to Jail, he did not pass GO and did not collect $200.00

8:37 p.m. An individual picked up some tools from an ex-girlfriend and was displeased to find that they had been damaged. He is now interested in pursuing charges.
Why would you have left them with an “ex” girlfriend if you didn’t want them damaged? Don’t men know hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?

10:15 p.m. Kids screamed with vigor at passing cars on South Cedar Drive.
I would hate to think they were screaming listlessly.

12:44 p.m. Several kids stood on a hillside in Bigfork and tossed water balloons at passing cars.
Hey didn’t they read last weeks Blotter? They could break a windshield doing that.
Friday 7/31

4:54 a.m. In Columbia Falls, a man and his son were shocked to glance outside and see the family car pulling out of the driveway. The two then pursued the car thief across fields, bushes and fences before eventually losing track of the vehicle. The car was later located on Berne Road, considerably worse for the wear. The vehicle was unlocked and had keys in the ignition at the time of the theft.
Now see I just don’t understand this because I live in a heavily populated area, I leave my keys in my “hooptee” all the time with a big sign saying “Keys In The Ignition” but no one ever takes it.
8:33 p.m. In Evergreen, a very young girl walked up to a passer-by and practiced some new vocabulary words. Though disconcerting to the individual, the girl was found to have no signs of trauma and was simply exercising her newfound terminology.

Gosh just makes us proud what we are teaching our babies doesn't it?
Monday 8/3

1:25 a.m. An unknown individual attempted to enter a home on Highway 2 East. His efforts proved unsuccessful.
Looks like Bigfoot is back.

1:37 a.m. In Hungry Horse, someone received a phone call from an intoxicated man who threatened to beat up the reporting party.
Here is what you do. You HANG UP THE DANGED PHONE.

5:03 a.m. A juvenile ran away from his home on Highway 93 South, supposedly to attend a party at a local church. The pious youth was quickly located and returned.

He must have been in some need of some Old Time Religion

7:29 a.m. A Whitefish resident awoke to find that their porch had been covered in silly string. No suspects have been named.

But they think they looked like this:

9:20 a.m. The back door of a local church was shattered, but the perpetrator did not gain entry to the building and no items were taken.
Maybe God told them to leave and he wouldn’t press charges. Ok, am I the only one here who thinks that breaking into churches and stealing bibles is just asking for bad karma?

3:03 p.m. A goat was tangled up in a fence on Helena Flats Road and could not get to food or water. The animal’s owner was found and immediately took the creature to the vet.

Trying to get to food and water is how he got tangled up in the first place. I'm surprised he didn't just eat the fence.

8:04 p.m. Three black steers wandered about in a public park. The owner was found and attended to his unruly cattle.
What is it with the Bovine gone wild?

A quick question for my fellow Blogger friends. Is anyone else still having picture posting issues? Because I've just about pulled myself bald headed!

My Picker's Broke

I am going to be honest with you as I always am. I mean really would I lie to you? That face, those eyes? No I would not lie to you. I might stretch the truth and tell you “no really those white pants make you look thinner. What panty lines? Really you haven’t had your lip waxed? No I can’t tell you have a mustache” but I will not out and out lie to you. I have not always done a very good job of picking guys with which to be involved. I mean my bad sense of relationships goes way, way back in history. I believe that in my previous life I probably dated Attila the Hun and played Spin the Bottle with Adolf Hitler. Oh it’s not that I believe that I was someone famous in my last life, it’s just that I would loose my head over someone like Henry the Eighth.
Don’t believe me? Well go read about some of my dates in my story titled “My Worst Date or One of them” and “The Dating Game”. Oh but those are not even my worst stories. I have one right after the other like the Satan worshipping jeweler who drugged me and used me in his satanic ritual. Then there is the rodeo clown who left me standing in the middle of a cow pasture with no way home and this was long before cell phones existed. We could talk about the Robert Redford look-a-like used car salesman who asked me out but canceled and took my sister out instead. Do we even need to talk about the guy I dated for several months only to come home from work and find him in bed with my roommate or the man who turned out to be a pedophile?
I think you get the drift of my ability to choose inappropriate partners. Yet I continued on going after the men who prey on women like me, women who are pleasers. Women, who want to make things better for them, heal them, cure them and be loved and revered for it. That unfortunately is not what happens. I imagined in my mind that if I loved long enough, hard enough and endured enough abuse that I would turn these scourges of society around. I gave them my time, money, my belongings and my soul.

It was after one of these really horrific relationships had ended that I was enlightened. The skies opened, the light flicked on and it was all clear as to what was the origin of my demise. Oh don’t be all impressed thinking I was personally responsible for the epiphany. No I can not take credit for it at all. It was my dad, Trooper Bob, who imparted his wisdom upon me in a dry and matter of fact manner. This is the story of that event.

I sat lamenting my bad choices in men with my mother and father. Here I sat a forty-five year old woman with yet another train wreck of a relationship on my hands. I was at a loss as to what I had done to deserve what had happened. I was heartbroken and angry that this man had taken advantage not only of me but of my family. He lied, stole and stripped my family of my life for twelve years. He had separated me from my siblings and tried to do the same with my own child. I was finally seeing him in all his psychopathic dementedness. The facts were on the table and my heart and my trust had once again been laid bare.

Nurse Meme poured me a glass of wine and looked at me. “You look pale. Here drink this and for God’s sakes put on some lipstick. You look dead.” I took a sip and said “but Momma, I don’t understand how this could happen to me yet again. Why do I continue to get hooked up with these guys?” She shook her head and wiped the kitchen counter top and said “because you go where you’re looking you don’t look where you’re going. You have always been like that.” I started to argue when I heard my daddy clear his throat. I looked over at him as he sat his glass on the coaster. He reached over to my hand and patted it and then with all of his seventy-five years of wisdom he said “Gladys, your picker is broke. There ain’t two ways about it. You’ve got a broken picker.” I sat there for a moment doing the confused poodle look, shifting my head from one side to the other. I tried to decipher what he was saying. Then some where in the distance I heard trumpets blare and a choir of angels sing “YOUR PICKER’S BROKE”. I got goose bumps all over.

It clicked. What he was saying was that I didn’t need to pick any more partners. I picked the wrong type of men. The men who were broken and I was never going to be able to fix them, not me not any one. I chewed on that fact for a few minutes. I took a deep breath and realized he was absolutely right. The men to whom I had been attracted were damaged beyond repair. The men to whom I was drawn saw the weakness in me and pounced on it like a lion on an injured water buffalo.

Yes, I wasted most of my life on trying to make other people better, never once trying to improve on myself. I was so concerned about taking care of someone who really didn’t want to be healed. They were happy just the way they were and knew exactly how to get what they wanted from someone like me. My picker was definitely broke. Did I go out and buy a new picker? Where would you get one? Picker’s R Us? What aisle would you locate a new picker on at the local Wal-Mart? Do they have a special section in Bed Bath and Beyond for Pickers? I looked at my daddy and said “okay, so my picker’s broke. What do I do about it?” Trooper Bob looked at Nurse Meme who rolled her eyes and blew out a deep breath “you stop pickin” was his answer.

So that is exactly what I did. I stopped picking. It was when I stopped picking that my life changed. What about you? Is your picker broke?