Just the Facts 8-4-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum."The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 8-4-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 7/28/09

2:22 p.m. An injured crow hobbled about on the old courthouse lawn. The creature refused to be captured.

Maybe he just needed some Old Crow.
5:02 p.m. A young boy attempted to leave a local military outlet store with a pair of boots but was caught in the act.
Maybe his mother wanted a new pair of Army Boots. You know as in “Your mother wears army boots?” Oh my GAWD I am older than Methuselah.

8:30 p.m. Someone on South Cedar Drive is concerned about the well-being of a neighbor’s pet Chihuahua. Evidently, the dog is being mistreated and continually gets out of the house.
Maybe he is making a Run for the Border. “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”

9:37 p.m. Someone stole a mosquito zapper from a yard on River Place.
Maybe it was a rogue band of Mosquitos

9:51 p.m. A vehicle sped down Browns Meadow Road in Kila, shooting the entire time. This resulted in one dead rabbit.

I understand they have a suspect in custody.

12:16 p.m. Several juveniles hid in the bushes near a Columbia Falls lumber yard, periodically jumping out and spooking passing drivers. The unruly miscreants were counseled.

At least they weren't shooting a passing drivers.

Wednesday 7/2/2009

10:10 a.m. Beef jerky, huckleberries and cherries were stolen from a Hungry Horse business.

Sounds like someone is going on a pick-a-nick

10:50 a.m. A vehicle drove up and down Sherman Road several times. A neighbor found this highly suspicious, but authorities could not locate the offender.
Maybe he was Wabbit hunting




3:30 p.m. A white motor home sped down Highway 2 in the Columbia Heights area with a blown tire, causing sparks to fly from beneath the vehicle. Montana Highway Patrol officers quickly stopped the RV and all is now well.
Thank goodness it was a blown tire and not an open sewer tank. Not that I would know anything about that.

4:00 p.m. On Shady Lane, a 2-year-old accidentally consumed a family member’s allergy medication, causing unpleasant symptoms. The family was put in contact with poison control professionals.

I remember a time when parents gave their kids allergy medicine to make them sleep.

6:42 p.m. A man wearing a black dress and carrying flowers repeated an earlier performance, flashing passers-by at a local motel. The obscene gentleman was at last taken into police custody. I see Corporal Klinger is out and about again.
9:48 p.m. Six to eight children were seen running about at a local elementary school. A nearby resident found this behavior highly unusual.
Children at an elementary school? That is suspicious.

9:49 p.m. Authorities responded to reports of a big green laser beam shining across Highway 2 from the window of a nearby home. Those responsible for the laser beam were informed that this is dangerous and unacceptable.
Wait! They REALLY had a laser beam? What were they doing with a laser beam?
Thursday 7/30

8:17 a.m. A county vehicle was taken to a glass repair shop in order to fix a rock chip on the windshield.

Why is this a 9-1-1 call? Do I have to report my windshield crack to 9-1-1? How about a butt crack?
8:38 a.m. Someone at a local RV park claims that he was bitten by his own dog. A responding officer assisted in resolving the situation.

He ratted out his own dog? Maybe he should call The Dog Whisperer and not 9-1-1

9:08 a.m. A man was seen walking down Highway 2 near a local agricultural store with a small child in his arms. Although a passer-by was concerned for their well-being, the duo was found to be happy and unharmed.
I wonder what people found suspicious? The fact they were walking or the fact they were happy?

3:27 p.m. A 57-year-old female subject became dizzy after being hit by a shopping cart at an Evergreen box store. She received appropriate medical care.
Who else smells a lawsuit brewing?

4:09 p.m. At a local park, a woman was heard screaming for help from within a nondescript vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle could not be located by responding officers.

Where could she have gone?

4:48 p.m. A gentleman in Whitefish assaulted his wife and was subsequently sent directly to jail.
I think we found the screaming woman. Oh and I bet he went directly to Jail, he did not pass GO and did not collect $200.00

8:37 p.m. An individual picked up some tools from an ex-girlfriend and was displeased to find that they had been damaged. He is now interested in pursuing charges.
Why would you have left them with an “ex” girlfriend if you didn’t want them damaged? Don’t men know hell hath no fury like a woman scorned?

10:15 p.m. Kids screamed with vigor at passing cars on South Cedar Drive.
I would hate to think they were screaming listlessly.

12:44 p.m. Several kids stood on a hillside in Bigfork and tossed water balloons at passing cars.
Hey didn’t they read last weeks Blotter? They could break a windshield doing that.
Friday 7/31

4:54 a.m. In Columbia Falls, a man and his son were shocked to glance outside and see the family car pulling out of the driveway. The two then pursued the car thief across fields, bushes and fences before eventually losing track of the vehicle. The car was later located on Berne Road, considerably worse for the wear. The vehicle was unlocked and had keys in the ignition at the time of the theft.
Now see I just don’t understand this because I live in a heavily populated area, I leave my keys in my “hooptee” all the time with a big sign saying “Keys In The Ignition” but no one ever takes it.
8:33 p.m. In Evergreen, a very young girl walked up to a passer-by and practiced some new vocabulary words. Though disconcerting to the individual, the girl was found to have no signs of trauma and was simply exercising her newfound terminology.

Gosh just makes us proud what we are teaching our babies doesn't it?
Monday 8/3

1:25 a.m. An unknown individual attempted to enter a home on Highway 2 East. His efforts proved unsuccessful.
Looks like Bigfoot is back.

1:37 a.m. In Hungry Horse, someone received a phone call from an intoxicated man who threatened to beat up the reporting party.
Here is what you do. You HANG UP THE DANGED PHONE.

5:03 a.m. A juvenile ran away from his home on Highway 93 South, supposedly to attend a party at a local church. The pious youth was quickly located and returned.

He must have been in some need of some Old Time Religion

7:29 a.m. A Whitefish resident awoke to find that their porch had been covered in silly string. No suspects have been named.

But they think they looked like this:

9:20 a.m. The back door of a local church was shattered, but the perpetrator did not gain entry to the building and no items were taken.
Maybe God told them to leave and he wouldn’t press charges. Ok, am I the only one here who thinks that breaking into churches and stealing bibles is just asking for bad karma?

3:03 p.m. A goat was tangled up in a fence on Helena Flats Road and could not get to food or water. The animal’s owner was found and immediately took the creature to the vet.

Trying to get to food and water is how he got tangled up in the first place. I'm surprised he didn't just eat the fence.

8:04 p.m. Three black steers wandered about in a public park. The owner was found and attended to his unruly cattle.
What is it with the Bovine gone wild?

A quick question for my fellow Blogger friends. Is anyone else still having picture posting issues? Because I've just about pulled myself bald headed!