Gladys McGuillicutty and the FBI

I got this in my email today and I am so thankful to know the Federal Bureau of Investigation is on the job!



Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI)
Anti-Terrorist And Monitory Crime Division.
Federal Bureau Of Investigation.
J.Edgar.Hoover Building Washington Dc
Customers Service Hours / Monday To Saturday
Office Hours Monday To Saturday:

Dear Beneficiary,

Series of meetings have been held over the past 7 months with the secretary general of the United Nations Organization. It is obvious that you have not received your fund which is to the tune of $850,000.00 due to past corrupt Governmental Officials who almost held the fund to themselves for their selfish reason and some individuals who have taken advantage of your fund all in an attempt to swindle your fund, which has led to so many losses from your end and unnecessary delay in the receipt of your fund.

The National Central Bureau of Interpol enhanced by the United Nations and Federal Bureau of Investigation have successfully passed a mandate to the current president of Nigeria to boost the exercise of clearing all foreign debts owed you, and other individuals and organizations who have been found not to have receive their Contract Sum, Lottery/Gambling, Inheritance and the likes. Now how would you like to receive your payment? because we have two method of payment which is by Check or by ATM card.

ATM Card: We will be issuing you a custom pin based ATM card which you will use to withdraw up to $3,000 per day from any ATM machine that has the MasterCard Logo on it and the card has to be renewed in 3 years time which is 2014. Also, with the ATM card you will be able to transfer your funds to your local bank account. The ATM card comes with a manual to enlighten you about how to use it. Even if you do not have a bank account.

Check: To be deposited in your bank for it to be cleared within three working days. Your payment would be sent to you via any of your preferred option and would be mailed to you via UPS. Because we have signed a contract with UPS which should expire by MAY 14 2011. You will only need to pay $155 instead of $540 saving you $385 So if you pay before MAY 14 2011, you save $385.

Note You are advised to stop all communication with every other person if you have been in contact with any. We guarantee the successful delivery within 24hrs after the receipt of payment has been confirmed.

Below are few list of tracking numbers you can track from UPS website www.ups.com to confirm people like you who have received their payment successfully.

R. BLALOCK 1ZA 3274 W034 013 5717 www.ups.com


A. FONTANEZ 1Z 57V 268 03 4707 4975 www.ups.com


T. ANDERS 1Z 57V 268 03 4865 0322 www.ups.com

To effect the release of your fund valued at $850,000.00 you are advised to contact our correspondent in Africa the delivery officer Mr. Danny Brown with the information below,
Name of Agent: Danny Brown
Email: steve.bahie1@info.lt

Payment should be made by westernunion using the following info:

Receiver: Danny Brown
Location: Lagos-Nigeria
Text Question: Color
Text Answer: Brown

You are adviced to contact him with the informations as stated below:

Your full Name..


Your Address:...


Home/Cell Phone:...


Preferred Payment Method ( ATM / Cashier Check )

Upon receipt of payment the delivery officer will ensure that your package is sent within 24 working hours. Because we are so sure of everything we are giving you a 100% money back guarantee if you do not receive payment/package within the next 24hrs after you have made the payment for shipping.

Yours sincerely,


Miss Donna Story


FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION
UNITED STATES DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE
WASHINGTON, D.C. 20535


Note: Do disregard any email you get from any impostors or offices claiming to be in possession of your ATM CARD, you are hereby advice only to be in contact with Mr. Danny Brown of the ATM CARD CENTRE who is the rightful person to deal with in regards to your ATM CARD PAYMENT and forward any emails you get from impostors to this office so we could act upon and commence investigation



Don’t you love the safety disclaimer at the end?






I am so excited that the FBI is finally taking care of those Nigerian Prince scammers and that Agent Donna Story has quite a story. I have been sending them money for years and never receive anything in return. I also have not seen the my inheritance from Jacabson Brown Esq. nor has the Bank of China.   Here I have been funding my funds by sending them funds to fund the funding of the funds.


Sorry I can’t tally, I must hurry down to Western Union and send the FBI my money for my ATM card.

Sleeping Beauty

It has been awhile since I’ve joined in the Theme Thursday blog fair. I saw this and of course it brought back a story. I thought I’d share this one with you about Sleep.

Gladys woke with a start and rubbed her eyes. “Was I asleep” she asked Kahuna. He nodded and rearranged his arm shaking it a bit when he did.

How could she have let this happen? She hadn’t felt well but had agreed to see him anyway. She had rushed home showered and primped. She dressed in her cutest top and fluffed her hair. She gargled with warm salt water trying to stave off the sore throat then drank a double espresso to keep her exhaustion at bay. She had worked close to 60 hours that week not to mention had crammed in a 2300 mile round trip for a court hearing. But he was such a nice man and had been such a gentleman on their first date several weeks back.

Gladys had been single for quite some time and her last endeavor into a relationship had ended catastrophically to say the least. Her daddy had told her that her picker was broke and boy was he right. Every man she had chosen had been a really bad choice. They were either lazy, a cheat, mean, or just downright dastardly or all of the above. Kahuna seemed different.

He actually seemed to be the answer to a prayer if you didn’t count the fact that he was a movie talker. He was attentive without being clingy; he was kind and sweet without being weak, he was available and best of all he had a great sense of humor. So she made an exception to her newest rule of not dating.

They sat close together watching the movie, his arm around her shoulder. Gladys watched as the plot unfolded and her eyes got heavy. She watched as Leonardo DiCaprio flew the Spruce Goose.

She tried to watch but something happened and her eyes closed. The next thing she knew it was the ending credits and she had been out cold for almost 3 hours. She had fallen asleep and had laid her head in her date’s lap at the local movie theater. She was mortified. If that wasn’t bad enough she had drooled. She had drooled all over this nice man’s pants. Oh she had not just exuded a little spittle. Oh no, she had emitted enough saliva to over flow the banks of the Mississippi. She wanted to die. She prayed that the roof would open up and that GAWD would smite her right there in the local Edward’s Cinema.

Kahuna shook his arm again and dabbed at his soaked dungarees with a napkin “do you feel better now?”

“I am so sorry I fell asleep on you. I didn’t mean to. I mean I know you know I didn’t mean to. What I meant was I wouldn’t have accepted the date had I known I was that exhausted.” Gladys wiped the spittle from her cheek and chin and tried to put her now disheveled hair back into some semblance of order.

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m just glad you had a good sleep.”

Gladys reached in her purse and pulled out her wallet “Please let me pay you for my ticket. I mean how rude of me to allow you to pay for my ticket and then, well, you know.”

Kahuna held up his and “Nope it was well worth the money. I mean I can’t tell you the last time I spent three hours watching a movie with a woman asleep on my lap.”

Gladys was awfully embarrassed by the whole scenario and headed toward the exit. “Thank you so much for asking me out. I really do appreciate, um, well you know, your not being upset.”

Kahuna smiled “how could I be upset with someone who made them turn the volume up because she snored so loud?”

That was it Gladys searched her purse for a knife, a letter opener, anything so that she could slit her wrist right then and there.

Gladys Gets Ready

I am just beside myself. Wait if I’m beside myself does that make me bi-polar or multi-personality disorder? Either way I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head chopped off, which if you have ever seen you know is quite messy. What with blood spurting here and feathers flying there. I digress.


Oh I know I should have been better prepared. I should have planned in advance. I should have, but I didn’t. Then I took Nurse Meme day off and flounced around all day and got nothing done. Well nothing except went to Wal*Mart. That brings me to another side track. I believe we need more rules in this country. One of which is if you are going to make me pick dog poop up off of your dirt then you should be made to pick your child’s poop up off the Wal*Mart bathroom floor. I think that is a good rule.

I know about now you are looking at your computer and screaming out “WHAT? GLADYS DID WHAT? WHERE?” Well let me first share this little story and then I’ll get back to my other little story. I went to the Squal, um I mean Wal*Mart yesterday to pick up some of those cool little tooth picks that have the stringy thing on them that lets you floss your teeth without having to unhinge your jaw to get to your back teeth. It kind of surprises me that they have them at our Wal*Mart seeing as most of the people in our Walmart don’t have back teeth, come to think of it they don’t have front ones either. I have been suffering from a little bout of e-coli that was produced from eating tainted Jenny-O turkey burgers. This puts me in a precarious situation since the effects of it will hit me in the most obnoxious way at the most inopportune times. I was standing in the aisle when all of a sudden old Mr. E-Coli decides to do a number on me and I rush for the bathroom. Well in true Wal*Mart style the one closest to me had a big yellow cart parked in front of it with the words “OUT OF ORDER”. I pointed at that cart and shouted “Out of order! YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER”. Then I promptly turned around and high tailed it, so to speak, to the back of the store where I hoped and prayed the other restroom would not be having a judgmental moment.

I found the door to be free of blockage and ran for a stall. I settled on the first open door and began my germ blockage regimen. When I bent to place the ass gasket on the stool I noticed something on the floor not quite in my stall. I looked a bit closer and realized it was 3 small child sized turds on the floor. YES, I said TURDS as in more than one on the FLOOR. I ran for another stall and finally found one open and was able to find one that was turdless.

I was washing my hands when I spied a Wal*Mart employee drying her hands and so I said “Excuse me, but someone has relieved themselves on the floor in stall number 2. Shouldn’t someone come clean that up?” Becky, I know her name was Becky because it said so on her Wal*Mart name tag, replied “That doesn’t surprise me.” Then she went back to checking her passion pink lipstick and fluffing up her 1980’s over-permed mullet. I stood in disbelief and asked “aren’t you going to do something or tell someone?” Do you know what Becky the Wal*Mart employee said? She said “Nope.”

Well I trotted my little self right on up to the customer service desk and I demanded that they de-turd the restroom for the health and safety of the other Wal*Mart patrons. Then I told them exactly what I told you. I told them there should be a sign just like the sign in the park. You know the one that shows the person picking up dog poop, only with them picking up kid poop. You know what Youlanda, the Wal*Mart customer service lady and I know that was her name and what she did because it was on her name tag, said to me? She said “WHO DOES THAT?” My thoughts exactly. Now where was I?

Oh Yeah, me being schizophrenic or Catherine Zeta Jones or whatever. I have been working feverishly all day today. Why you ask? Well because it is the day before the Royal Wedding and I am just not prepared. I spent my morning getting the house all dusted and shined. I waxed the tables and cleaned the glass. I have been on the phone for hours looking for canopies. I called all around and they all said the same thing that I should get an Easy-UP. I keep telling people that I want little individual cakes and crackers with crab dip on them but for some reason they tell me it won’t be shady enough.

I ironed my outfit and gathered my pearls. I found my hankies and polished my tiara.

Then as I was walking around my kitchen talking to Omar the Tent maker about setting up some awnings and tables I realized my silver had not been shined.

Well this started another feverish flourish in the house of McGuillicutty.

I promptly began wiping and polishing and polishing and wiping which made me realize that I did not have a decent tin of tea in the house nor did I have any scones, biscuits or curd anywhere around.

What am I to do? I mean the wedding is tomorrow morning at 3 a.m. my time.

I was in a panic until I realized that no one in the house of McGuillicutty cared about the whole Royal fiasco but me. I just hope no one leaves turds in the restroom floor of Westminster Abby.

Gladys Quotes Nurse Meme

It is April which means it is spring, which means there are pollen and mold spores and all kinds of floaty fleety things in the air. It happens every year and every year it takes me by surprise. I wake with puffy eyes, running nose and a raspy voice that sounds like I have drank a few too many whiskeys and smoked ten too many cigarettes even though I haven’t. It is also the birth month of Nurse Meme.

I thought about this one morning when I woke way too early. I wondered what I could do to celebrate and commemorate my mother. I decided that I would each day post on my Twitter @gladysspeaks one of my mother’s sayings. Now some are original and some are bastardizations of clichés but all of them came out of her mouth at one time or another.

Nurse Meme could deadpan better than anyone I’ve ever known, but she was loud and clear when she was being serious. She would preface this fact with “I’m NOT LAUGHING” which would be preceded by either y full name complete with my first, middle and last name or with “young lady”.

One day when I was a young woman, oh shut up I was young…once, I was having a particularly bad day. My boyfriend was being an ass, my dog was sick and my clutch had gone out on my car and I thought it was the end of the world. I was sitting at the kitchen table having myself a real nice pity party. Nurse Meme came into the kitchen and took one look at me and shook her head “Gladys, what the hell is your problem?” I looked up from my cup of coffee and whined “my life is just terrible. I’m so tired of things going wrong all the time.” Nurse Meme got a pained look on her face and replied “Oh for cryin out loud! Pull your big girl panties up and get over yourself!” That was it. That was all she wrote. I was done for. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. She had totally nailed me. She was good at that. Now I know her intent was to basically tell me to knock it off but it was the way she told me to knock it off that made the difference.

 If the art of being blunt was gold, Nurse Meme would have been 24 karat. She could see you the first time in 2 years and immediately note out loud that you had gained 5 pounds and exactly where they were situated. The conversation would go something like this. “Earlene, why I haven’t seen you in 2 years. How are you? Howsyourmommandthem? Has your sisters hair grown back in after the bbq explosion? I told your dumbass brother-in-law that kerosene isn’t a very good choice of charcoal lighter. You know I think I’ve had him through the Eemerg-incy room 5 or 6 times this year. Well gurl you are looking good. You know it looks like you have put on a pound or five, right there round your hips. Oh now don’t go pulling that little short top down tryin to hide it. It looks real good with those low slung pants. You got one of them, what is it the kids call it? Muffin top? Well now you make sure you tell yourmommaandthem I said HI.” Then she would sashay off with her hair and make up in perfect order, her jeans freshly starched and pressed waving bye and never once batting an eye that she might have crossed a line. She said what she thought. She was blunt.

I loved that about her and wish that I too could be that blunt. So in memory of Nurse Meme I am posting my collection of Nurse Memeisms

"If you keep eating like that your ass is going to be as broad as an ax handle.". Nurse Meme

"You can get happy in those same panties you got mad in" Nurse Meme

"If everyone else were jumping off a bridge would you jump too? If you would then you're as big a dumb ass as they are" Nurse Meme

"There isn't any thing that a little Camphonphenique won't cure." Nurse Meme

"If you don't have something nice to say, then shut the hell up!" Nurse Meme

"Don't sh*t where you eat" Nurse Meme

"Don't cry over spilled milk, get off your ass and wipe it up." Nurse Meme

"Can't never could do anything" Nurse Meme

"Just put on more lipstick, you'll feel better." Nurse Meme

"If you lie down with dogs, you're gonna get up with fleas and you'll smell like a dog" Nurse Meme


Now go on and eat your veggies because there are starving children in China who would just love to have your brussel sprouts.