Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Gladys Quotes Nurse Meme

It is April which means it is spring, which means there are pollen and mold spores and all kinds of floaty fleety things in the air. It happens every year and every year it takes me by surprise. I wake with puffy eyes, running nose and a raspy voice that sounds like I have drank a few too many whiskeys and smoked ten too many cigarettes even though I haven’t. It is also the birth month of Nurse Meme.

I thought about this one morning when I woke way too early. I wondered what I could do to celebrate and commemorate my mother. I decided that I would each day post on my Twitter @gladysspeaks one of my mother’s sayings. Now some are original and some are bastardizations of clich├ęs but all of them came out of her mouth at one time or another.

Nurse Meme could deadpan better than anyone I’ve ever known, but she was loud and clear when she was being serious. She would preface this fact with “I’m NOT LAUGHING” which would be preceded by either y full name complete with my first, middle and last name or with “young lady”.

One day when I was a young woman, oh shut up I was young…once, I was having a particularly bad day. My boyfriend was being an ass, my dog was sick and my clutch had gone out on my car and I thought it was the end of the world. I was sitting at the kitchen table having myself a real nice pity party. Nurse Meme came into the kitchen and took one look at me and shook her head “Gladys, what the hell is your problem?” I looked up from my cup of coffee and whined “my life is just terrible. I’m so tired of things going wrong all the time.” Nurse Meme got a pained look on her face and replied “Oh for cryin out loud! Pull your big girl panties up and get over yourself!” That was it. That was all she wrote. I was done for. I started laughing and couldn’t stop. She had totally nailed me. She was good at that. Now I know her intent was to basically tell me to knock it off but it was the way she told me to knock it off that made the difference.

 If the art of being blunt was gold, Nurse Meme would have been 24 karat. She could see you the first time in 2 years and immediately note out loud that you had gained 5 pounds and exactly where they were situated. The conversation would go something like this. “Earlene, why I haven’t seen you in 2 years. How are you? Howsyourmommandthem? Has your sisters hair grown back in after the bbq explosion? I told your dumbass brother-in-law that kerosene isn’t a very good choice of charcoal lighter. You know I think I’ve had him through the Eemerg-incy room 5 or 6 times this year. Well gurl you are looking good. You know it looks like you have put on a pound or five, right there round your hips. Oh now don’t go pulling that little short top down tryin to hide it. It looks real good with those low slung pants. You got one of them, what is it the kids call it? Muffin top? Well now you make sure you tell yourmommaandthem I said HI.” Then she would sashay off with her hair and make up in perfect order, her jeans freshly starched and pressed waving bye and never once batting an eye that she might have crossed a line. She said what she thought. She was blunt.

I loved that about her and wish that I too could be that blunt. So in memory of Nurse Meme I am posting my collection of Nurse Memeisms

"If you keep eating like that your ass is going to be as broad as an ax handle.". Nurse Meme

"You can get happy in those same panties you got mad in" Nurse Meme

"If everyone else were jumping off a bridge would you jump too? If you would then you're as big a dumb ass as they are" Nurse Meme

"There isn't any thing that a little Camphonphenique won't cure." Nurse Meme

"If you don't have something nice to say, then shut the hell up!" Nurse Meme

"Don't sh*t where you eat" Nurse Meme

"Don't cry over spilled milk, get off your ass and wipe it up." Nurse Meme

"Can't never could do anything" Nurse Meme

"Just put on more lipstick, you'll feel better." Nurse Meme

"If you lie down with dogs, you're gonna get up with fleas and you'll smell like a dog" Nurse Meme

Now go on and eat your veggies because there are starving children in China who would just love to have your brussel sprouts.


grandmamargie said...

I love nurse Meme.

Gladys said...

Margie So do I. I miss her every single day of my life and wish she were here telling me to get over myself. :)

Suzy said...

I have hay fever and this year it's brutal. Of course I say that every year. My eyes are so swollen I look Chinese. I wish I spoke the language because I'd probably get a really good job.

Unknown said...

oh my, how well you can write.. you bring your mother to life and with all her sayings, I just had to put off going to bed until I had read to the bottom of the pages.... this is so funny and yet sad too as she is not with you any more... but thank you for sharing, she sounded a marvellous woman and your dad too sounded bigger than life... I love the rhythm of your words.. will be back for more... thank you for making the end of this day a happy one having read your blog... off to bed now its past midnight!!!