And Now for Something NEW! Ask Trooper Bob

I decided that I want you to get to know Trooper Bob a little bit better. So next Thursday I will have a segment that will be called ASK Trooper Bob and he will answer your hardest questions.

See he is sitting here waiting for you to ask him questions. Go ahead you know you want to.

You all have been stopped by that officer and your sitting on the side of the road registration in hand and you are too mad, meek, embarrassed or confused to ask the REAL Questions. You know like boxers or briefs and grape jelly or bananas on your peanut butter sandwhich. The really riveting questions.

He is already answering a question. He is so intuitive he knows the answer before you ask. Sort of like Johnny Carson as the Great Karnak.

So ask your questions here or send them to my email and I'll get them to Trooper Bob. I'll have him answer them and then I will Post YOUR questions with TB's answers. No question is too stupid no query to trival. Now throw me your best.

Just the Facts Week ending 1-12-09

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 1-12-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 1/6

5:50 a.m. Three men were lurking around a gas station in Evergreen. They really wanted a ride.

They didn’t want a Klondike Bar? They didn’t want a pack of cigarettes? They wanted a ride. Is the Stop and Go a bus stop? Is it a taxi stand?

1:59 p.m. A train and a semi-truck collided at the intersection of Jellison Land and Jellison road. There were no injuries.

No injuries but I bet there was a lot of Jellison in everyones underpants.

2:17 p.m A person who bought goods in Kalipspell fled to Canada and canceled the check they wrote for the merchandise.

Instead of dodging the draft they were drafting the dodge? *disclaimer: if you do not remember the Vietnam war then you will not get this joke.

4:26 p.m. Occupants of a Toyota hatchback were throwing large fireworks from the vehicle as it traveled down Big Mountain Road. The explosives looked like m-80’s.

First thank goodness it was a hatchback. I mean do you know how hard it is to ride in the trunk of the car and throw m-80’s out while traveling at a high rate of speed down a snowy mountain road? Yeah, well me neither that was just someone who looked like me.

Second how do they know they were m-80’s? How many times have they done this exact thing?

8:57 p.m. Things were thrown and threats were made, but in the end, a husband and wife made nice.

Hmmmm, sounds like make-up sex to me.

Wednesday 1/7

7:52 a.m. Two days ago, someone said they were struck by a red truck while waiting for the bus on Middle Road in Columbia Falls.

(click on This) See this seems to happen a lot up here, people getting hit by cars and not reporting it for a couple of days. I don’t get it. I mean a car hits me and EVERYONE in the United States would know with-in seconds. They would hear me wailing and lamenting and screaming and crying. Not to mention with my luck there would be 2000 Japenese Tourist with video cameras and the entire 2009 graduating class of Podunk Indiana with cell phones and camera’s who would then immediately rush out and create a You-tube video of some crazy woman screaming bloody murder.

1:47 p.m. Reportedly, someone who is owed $3,000 keeps receiving bunk checks from three different closed accounts.

I think I would have insisted on cash after the first bum check. I think I solved the crime I think this is the same guy who went to Canada.

4:50 p.m. An employee of a coffee shack in Whitefish was worried about a car parked near the stand. Apparently, there have been some break-ins recently. The cops checked out the car and found a woman who wasn’t willing to move. She was eating fast food.

Hey don’t get between me and my cheeseburger.

What do you think they stole from the coffee shack when they broke in? I would steal Maple Nut latte’s.

7:05 p.m. Eveyrone’s pupils at a Mountain View Drive home were dilated. They thought it was from carbon monoxide.

Homer did you order the pizza with the magic mushrooms again?

9:38 p.m. A man said he was “sucker punched” last week at 2 a.m. in front of the Martin City Fire Hall. Since then, he said, chewing has been difficult.

OK again if someone sucker punched me EVERYONE would know about it. What is it with these people? If someone hits you with a car, a fist, a two by four or a Yak call the police RIGHT then. Not two days later, not two weeks later not a year. The cops might catch the offender if you call them RIGHT NOW!

11:13 p.m. Two drunks showed up at a Truman Heights Road home in Kila. Reportedly, they were looking for “Wild Bill”, so they could go snowmobiling.

Yeah, that’s who I want to take me snowmobiling at midnight, Wild Bill.

1:30 a.m. A drunken man, who didn’t know who he was, was knocking on the front door of a house. Eventually, it was discovered that his name was “Richard”.

Yeah, if a drunk was knocking on my door at 1:30 A.M. I would call him a shorter name for Richard. So do you think he was looking for Wild Bill?

Thursday 1/8

11:50 a.m. Stolen: $500 worth of booze from a club on Big Mountain.

Something tells me they found Wild Bill. What do you want to bet there might be some more fireworks.


7:45 p.m. A man thought his wife took a bunch of pills. She didn’t. The ambulance came and she refused to go the hospital.

Ha! She fooled him. He tried to get her to swallow but she spit them out instead!

9:04 p.m. A woman hit a male pedestrian while driving on Montana Hwy 206. She took the man, who possibly had a broken arm, to a nearby gas station. Eventually, he was taken to the hospital.

Thank God they didn’t wait 6 months to report it.
I know if I were injured the first place I would want to go is a gas station. I mean they set broken arms, remove bullets etc. Right?

Friday 1/9

6:55 a.m. Someone had trouble with their heart.

Was it broken? Did it stop?

9:29 a.m. A truck that was in motion caught fire. The driver put it out.

Oh now I understand 6:55 a.m. they were a passenger in the truck.

3:11 p.m. A former employee of an Evergreen supermarket stole some nutritional bars.

Were they a former employee before or after they stole? Nutritional Bars? Why not wine or beer? Nope it was a healthy thief.

4:40 p.m. A woman went to the hospital after the pill she attempted to swallow only made it part of the way down.

What you don’t know how to drink water? I think it had to do with 7:45 p.m. Thursday.

6:37 p.m. A female was screaming. A man was yelling. Things were being thrown. A woman was being hit. All in east Evergreen.

See 7:45 p.m. Thursday and 4:40 p.m. Friday as well as 8:57 p.m. Tuesday. This couple needs counseling.

8:25 p.m. Someone’s husband was “freaking out”.

See above

Monday 1/12 (the criminals took the weekend off.)

12:00 a.m. Two men were in a gray extended cab Dodge Dakota. One pulled a gun on the other.

Was it the driver or the passenger? Because I have ridden with some drivers that I would like to shoot.

2:34 p.m. A cat came home with a BB gun wound. No one knows who the shooter was.

Oh! Oh! Mister Kotter I know (waving my hand Horshack style) It was some guy in a gray extended cab Dodge Dakota!*disclaimer: again if you do not remember the Vietnam war you will not get this joke. Go to You tube and watch Welcome Back Kotter.

8:36 p.m. Two girls weren’t allowed to hang out. One of them is a bad influence on the other.

PEOPLE! How many times do I have to tell you this? PARENT YOUR CHILDREN!

Quote from Sgt. Joe Friday: "Let me put it this way-- You'll never make mother of the year."

Happy Birthday Falulah

Let me tell you about Falulah. She is the 3rd child of 4. She and Tadpole are 1 month apart in age. OK I see you adding up on your toes and fingers and looking like my boxer when you ask him if he wants a cookie. She is my child from another birth mother.

She is an incredible woman. She is strong and intelligent. She is loving and giving. She is gracious and grateful. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She loves animals and is studying Veterinary Science. This is after she went and lived life for several years. She tried insurance and that wasn’t what she wanted to do. She decided instead of just making a living to make a life. That entailed putting the other aspects of her life on hold and going back to school.

She did this gladly with enthusiasm and zeal. She is very independent and though she moved back home she maintains her independence. She works two full time jobs and goes to school. She also takes care of the three dogs and our property while we are gone. She watches over her younger sister, Lulu, makes sure she gets to class and is there should she need anything. I tell you she is awesome.

I think she is one of the bravest people. She has never met a stranger like her dad she will walk up and talk to anyone. She will ask questions and has an honest curiosity that people are drawn to and will simply pull back the red rope and allow her into what ever event.

This weekend she said something that made me laugh. We were driving along talking about the different types of driver’s license. Out of nowhere she blurted out “I would like to get my Class A license so I could drive a Big Rig.” What? Uh? I turned in my seat to look at her face and make sure she wasn’t pulling my leg. She was dead serious. I asked “Why would you want to do that?” Her answer was very matter of fact “that would just be one more accomplishment.” So now I have a mental picture of my beautiful daughter driving a Big Rig like Large Marge in the PeeWee Herman movie.

I see the fears and the ‘oh my gosh I couldn’t do that’, she sees the challenge. She is like that in all aspects of her life. A couple of years ago she picked up and moved to New Mexico by herself just to do it. Then she hopped on a plane and went to Japan for a couple of weeks. Ok she went and visited her cousin but still she just got out there and did it. I am overwhelmed. Again I would have a million reasons not to including that Godzilla could have hurled an errant meteor at me and smushed me into radioactive mush. She came home with stories of beautiful scenery and hand carved chop sticks. I would have come home radioactive mush.

So to my beautiful strong brave and independent daughter HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I hope and pray some of your courage rubs off on me. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and a wonderful weekend.

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES A TROOPER BOB EPISODE

It was a warm summer afternoon. There were children playing in the sprinklers and dad’s pushing lawn mowers through the thick summer grass. Yes it was another time in another place. Trooper Bob left home that afternoon for his usual shift. He started out of town and decided instead of taking off for the open highway he would stay closer in towards town.

Now when I say closer towards town I’m not talking massive shopping malls and lots of strip centers. I am talking a bank, a post office, the Dairy Queen, an Ace Hardware and there might have been a Ben Franklin or a TG&Y. Yeah a booming metropolis. Trooper Bob stopped by the Dairy Queen and got a dipped cone rolled down his windows and got ready for a hot afternoon. He found a quiet place to park at the four way stop of two farm-to-market roads. He found a shade tree and settled in for the afternoon.

He sat and ate his ice cream and watched as Farmer Stevenson stopped his John Deer at the stop sign gave him a little wave and proceeded on to his next field to plow. He tipped his hat to old Widow Morris who could barely see over the steering wheel. She turned her left blinker on and turned right all he could see was the top of her little blue haired head driving off down the road. Next came Mr. Brewster the banker in his brand spanking new Cadillac Convertible off with the family for an afternoon drive. He slowed to a stop gave Trooper Bob a wave of his own dipped cone and with a smile was gone.

All in all it was a peaceful day and one that was just prime for a post dipped cone nap. Trooper Bob pulled his hat down over his eyes assumed the stretched out in the front seat position and had just started to nod off when he sensed a car coming up the road at an accelerated rate of speed. He sat up and pushed his hat back on his head. Then right there in front of him was a car unknown to him. It was a big old Buick and it was screaming up the road. It arrived at the four way stop and didn’t even slow down it just took the turn on two wheels and gunned the big motor through the turn.

Trooper Bob shook his head while he maneuvered his patrol car back onto the road. He flipped on his little cherry light and hit the siren (SIGH-REEN). WhaaaaaaahhhhhhWhaaaaahhh it screamed as Trooper Bob put his foot to the floor. He caught up with the Buick in no time flat. Trooper Bob saw the driver’s surprised look through the review mirror. The man signaled with his blinker that he was moving over and he slowed to a stop. Trooper Bob grabbed his ticket book, sat his hat more securely on his head and moved toward the vehicle. It was a gorgeous day. Trooper Bob had eaten a dipped cone and had a bit of a nap, he was feeling fine. He was feeling magnanimous. He had already decided to give this young man a break.

Trooper Bob walked up to the window and there sat a young father, a young mother and about a 5 year old boy. Trooper Bob greeted the young family then asked the father “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?” The young man answered while taking the registration from his wallet “no sir.” Trooper Bob smiled and said “Well sir, you failed to stop at the four way stop sign and your speed was in excess of the legal limit.” The young man politely replied “I am terribly sorry officer. I didn’t see the stop sign and as for my speed I’m pretty sure I was going the speed limit.” When from the back seat the little boy cried “NUH-UH Dad! Mom said you were speeding but you said it didn’t matter cause they ain’t never any cops here. Then Mom hit you when you ran that stop sign back there and told you that you were either gonna kill us or get a ticket.” Trooper Bob smiled at the child and then looked at the father. The man turned as red as a beet and looked up at Trooper Bob and said “Well, I guess that is that. You might as well just give me the ticket.”

Trooper Bob smiled a big smile, chewed his double-mint gum and said “Out of the mouths of babes.” Gave the man his ticket and sent him on his way.