Gladys Has Western Union Man Thoughts

Here it is Friday again. Can you believe it? I mean it seems like it was just Sunday and Donald Trump was telling Mark What-his-name that he was fired and telling crazy Gary Busey that he needed to straighten up. REALLY Donald? Busey straighten up? He is crazier than Bugs Bunny on crack. Did you not watch Celebrity REHAB?


Mrs. 4's over at Half Past Kissing Time Hosts Friday Fragments.  Go on over and check out the wandering wonderings of her crew, but only after you have read mine. 


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I am so excited to tell you all that I will be making a trip to the South Pacific soon as I just got notified of a huge windfall. See below.



From: Western Union® Money Transfer [mailto:melgamal@eri.sci.eg]


Sent: Friday, April 15, 2011 12:16 PM


To: undisclosed-recipients:


Subject:


Please be informed that you have $250,000.00 Lodged in our Western Union outlet to be transferred to you as a Compensation. Contact Western Union Office.


Mr. Richard Quest.


Aren’t I just the luckiest girl in the world?  I mean I actually have $250,000 LODGED in their Western Union Outlet. 
What exactly is it lodged between?  What outlet would that be, an electrical outlet?

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On another note do you think that Mr. Richard Quest might be kin to my old flame Johnny Quest? And Bandit?

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This correspondence brings me to another point on which I ponder. Do you remember in the old black and white movies the Western Union person would come to your house and deliver a cablegram? Do they bring you money with a money transfer? But more importantly do they wear the hat?

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As you know it is Easter time which means only one thing. Yes Cadbury eggs. You see when Jesus died on the cross and they put him in the tomb then a Giant Chicken in Bunny Ears placed the egg in front of the tomb. Therefore we celebrate by eating a giant Cadbury Egg.

What do you mean that's not how the story goes?

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Now tell me truly do you remember when you didn’t dare go to church on Easter Sunday unless your shoes matched your purse and your hat and gloves were white? Oh and shopping for that Easter dress was an event? Or if you are of the male persuasion you got a new tie?



Oh so you’re old too?

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Okay that is it for this week. I’m off to enjoy the beautiful spring sunshine and wait for the Western Union Man to deliver my big wad of cash.

Oh and I know I'm a week early for Easter but who says I won't have more next week?

Now go on and be good to one another and remember thoughts become things...think good ones.

Just The Facts 4-4-2011

I have been remiss in report the goings on in the Flathead Valley.

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 4-4-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Christie Burns (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 3/23/2011



7:20 a.m. A woman “screaming at the top of her lungs” could be heard over an open line to 911. A Kalispell man was arrested for assault after biting and hitting the woman.

This would explain the screaming at the top of her lungs.

4:52 p.m. A Hungry Horse girl reported that her 15-year-old brother pushed her into a mud puddle then rode away on his bike.
You can call the police for that? REALLY? Man I would have kept the PD busy with Buck’s shinnanagins
5:22 p.m. A Martin City woman threatened to “gut” some people during a phone call..
Gut? Not just stick a shive in but to gut them? Wow!

3:07 a.m. A Martin City woman said she found some bruises on her body from two days ago.
Maybe it was from all that gutting she was doing.

Monday 3/28/2011

8:15 a.m. A man on Ridgewood Drive believes someone stole his identification and is collecting his unemployment.
How did that happen? I mean do you just walk into the unemployment office and throw down McLovin’s I.D. and say “give me my check”?

8:22 a.m. A Kila man was upset that someone had dumped a couch in his driveway. He also complained about a lack of green box sites and talked the about government conspiracies.
Yes, it is the great Couch Conspiriacy. What? You haven’t heard of it? Yes it has to do with a grassy knoll, the CIA and the Mafia and Mel Gibson.
10:44 a.m. A home on Brook Drive was toilet papered and egged sometime last week. Also, Feces was left on the front door step.
I don’t understand. They obviously had plenty of T.P. why leave it on the door step?

5:50 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that he slapped his wife.
Was he feeling guilty so he called or was he trying to beat her to it?

3:45 a.m. A man on West Reserve Drive complained about his neighbor’s excessively loud sexual activity. She was advised to quiet down.
Well that is embarrassing.
Tuesday 3/29/2011

10:20 a.m. A woman on Wettington Drive claimed her ex-boyfriend threw a tantrum and trashed her house during an argument over a neighbor. He was calm and putting away misplaced items when deputies arrived.
Well at least he picked up after himself.
1:54 p.m. A man on Kings Loop thinks someone stole a little bit of his firewood while he was moving. He hid the rest of the wood for the remainder of the move.
Where would you hide fire wood?
2:57 p.m. A stray dog took over a valley resident’s doghouse. The stray was taken by the animal warden to a bigger better dog house on Cemetery Road.

Would that make him a dog squatter?
7:09 p.m. An unfamiliar man was seen squatting and smoking a cigarette in the yard of an elderly couple’s peach house. Deputies found that the squatter was someone visiting the residents.
Was he sent to a bigger better house to squat on Cemetary road too?

Wednesday 3/30/2011

8:01 a.m. Someone in a silver Lexus on Highway 93 reportedly drove really fast, honked the horn then showed someone their middle finger.
Sounds like someone up there knows California sign language.
10:17 a.m. There is talk of litter on Goat Trail in Whitefish.
Was it the Goats talking of it?


8:21 p.m. Someone on Foothill Drive said a suspicious but clean-cut man tried to sell them meat out of his truck.

Yes I’m usually suspicious of men trying to sell me meat.
9:25 p.m. According to spectators, a Hungry Horse man ripped off his shirt then pushed a woman to the ground. She got up and punched him. The two left the scene on foot, beer cans in hand.
Was it the Hulk and Wonderwoman?

2:57 a.m. Someone reported a drunken person recklessly driving round and round the roundabout.
Well if they weren’t drunk before they will be now.
Thursday 3/31/2011
12:39 a.m. Someone tattled on the driver of an 80s Camaro who “squealed” their tires at a stop sign on Third Street West.

Dude! It’s a 1980’s Camaro, it can’t help but squeal its tires.
1:06 a.m. A Martin City woman believes a weird kid down the street called and told her she would die if she crossed the street. She also said that grownups have been throwing things at her house and the two incidents may be related.
Just another confirmation of that conspiriacy theory.
Sunday 4/3/2011
8:40 a.m. A Hungry Horse woman reported that her drunken ex-husband violated their parenting plan when he called the night prior and asked what kind of panties she was wearing.
Just exactly what kind of parenting plan would that be?
10:24 a.m. A small poodle wearing a red sweater ran away from its home on Smoke Ridge in Kila last night.
At least he was dressed warmly.

10:45 a.m. A truckload of wood was stolen from a home in Hungry Horse.
They should have hidden it.
3:01 p.m. A Kila woman said her ex-husband yelled at their daughter and made her cry. He then took away some of her stuff.

I didn’t realize Alec Baldwin’s ex lived in Montana.
10:30 p.m. A woman on Park Street reported that her 15-year-old daughter hit her and may have bitten her. At the time of the call she was trashing her room.
Just because your daughter is mean to you is no reason to trash her room

Now go on and be careful out there.

Gladys is a Rambler

I don’t know if I have shared this with you but I’m old. No really I am. I am old as in I get mail regularly from AARP and my insurance wants me to take an updated driver’s program in order to qualify for a discount. I’m not shy about the fact that I’m old I’m just, well a bit disappointed it happened so fast.


One minute I’m young and hip; okay I was never hip, but I was young. The next minute I turn around and I’m a grandmother. Now don’t get me wrong I don’t mind being a grandmother. As a matter of fact I always said I would rather be a grandmother than a mother. What’s not to love about being a grandmother? You get to spoil the kid, love all up on them, buy them very loud messy toys and then when their diaper is dirty; you just hand them back to their parents. Yes, grand-parenting is the sweet life. The only problem is you have to be old, well older, to be one.

I guess you could be like my friend Betsy Sue whose grandmother was only 30 years old when she was born. See it went like this. Her grandmother was 15 when she had Letty, Betsy Sue’s mom, and Letty was 15 when she had Betsy Sue and then Betsy Sue had Wanda Kay when she was 15. So Wanda Kay’s great grandmother Ida May was only 45. What can I say, they came from the shinery.


So technically I don’t guess you have to be OLD per say but OLDER.

Okay where did I loose you? Did I loose you at the fact that this family who came from the shinery had baby girls every 15 years or are you scratching your head at what the heck a shinery (pronounced shein-er-ee) is?

Let me break this down for you. Where I grew up there are fields of these short little nothing mesquite trees that are only shin high. It is flat and scrubby with little or no character, unlike the people who live there, and is a pain in the rear-end to walk or ride horses through. That is what the shinery is. Now then as far as my friend goes you try and figure out her family tree, because I’m old and too tired to.

Now what was I saying? Oh yeah, that I like being a grandmother. I really do and that is funny because I’m really not good with kids. There is all that whining and crying and fit throwing then their parents come and take them away to make me stop.

I really love it when they are really little and sweet and they still have that baby smell. I like it when they are all cuddles and smiles and laughter and play. Yep that is what makes being a grandmother fun!

Gladys Wears Liz Taylor

Little Gladys watched the movie intently on the 13” black and white Zenith portable television. She was home sick with the flu and Nurse Meme had moved her brother’s small television close to the bed so she could watch Captain Kangaroo. Gladys liked Captain Kangaroo but she liked the Mid-day Movie Matinee better.

She loved watching the old movies. She didn’t always understand the plots, the sub-plots, the twists, the conflicts or the protagonist and antagonist delineations but she always understood their clothes. She loved that beautiful Grace Kelly would dress down and be ugly with Bing Crosby in The Country Girl then turn right around and dress in haute couture in Rear Window.

Gladys would watch these movies and vow to herself that one day she would dress in just those fashions. She would watch as Elizabeth Taylor paraded around in gorgeous gowns and beautiful dresses with jewels dripping from her ears, fingers and neck. Gladys would wind pieces of wire and string around her fingers and fashion earrings from paper clips. She would make shiny silver chains from gum wrappers and wrap old curtains, blankets or sheets in toga style. She was a fashion maven. She would pile her hair high on her head, slip into an old pair of Nurse Meme’s heels and transform herself into Helen from The Last Time I Saw Paris

or Jean in The Girl Who Had Everything.

Gladys saw it from the door. She knew it had to be hers. She made her way past the faded bell bottom jeans and on past the racks of “Keep On Trucking” tee shirts. She carefully lifted it from the rack and ran the material between her fingers. It was gold and shiny with big dangling ornaments hanging from the belt. It was perfect. She looked around the little vintage clothing store and made eye contact with a beautifully coiffed woman. “Would you like to try it on” the woman asked.

Gladys fingered the cloth and nodded her head. The woman showed her to the dressing room and settled her in. “You know, I have it on good authority that this came from a sale of Elizabeth Taylor’s clothing.” Gladys’ heart stopped. The room dimmed and the dressed gleamed like the Holy Grail. Gladys in fact thought she might have heard angels sing.

She carefully lowered the zipper. She felt the silky lining of the heavy dress. She slid it gently over her head and pulled it into place. She smoothed the gold jacquard over her stomach and thighs and reached around to secure the zipper.

She turned to see herself in the mirror and gasped. It was gorgeous and fit like a glove, well almost. She fastened the belt and wiggled out into the store to see how she looked in the three way mirror. She turned left and then right and imagined herself at a big Hollywood premier standing on the red carpet waving to her adoring fans. She waves and the fans cheer then another limousine pulls to the curb and an embarrassed Liz steps out into the limelight. “Oh GLADYS! I am so sorry I have the same dress on as you. I will go change immediately” Liz humbly effuses. Gladys smiles and puts her arm around poor embarrassed Liz and replies “Oh, Liz! I don’t mind. Imitation is the most sincere form of flattery.”

Liz puts her hand on Gladys shoulder and says “how does it feel?” Gladys realized it wasn’t Liz but the sales clerk. Gladys blushed “it feels great! Was it really hers? I mean Ms. Taylor’s dress?” The clerk reached around and fastened a hook “that is what I was told when I purchased it. You see I purchase from many of the Hollywood elite. Sometimes I get called by their assistants and I will buy the whole lot for one price. This was a really good lot.”

Gladys turned and glanced at the back of the dress. “Do you think she wore it when she was married to Eddie Fisher?” The clerk reached over on a rack and produced a pair of big gold earrings, “here try these on. I think it would have been more the first Richard Burton era.” Gladys looked in the mirror once again and knew the dress had to be hers. “I’ll take it!” she shouted, then more softly “you do take Discover don’t you?”

The saleslady smiled “of course I do. I’ll meet you at the register.” She started to walk away then turned “you do realize of course I can’t authenticate that it belonged to Ms. Taylor.”

Gladys shook her head in acknowledgment then retreated to the dressing room. She took one more look at the dress in the mirror and then began to put on her regular boring clothes. She carefully hung the dress back on the padded hanger and grabbed her purse and stopped. “What if cost too much. What if she couldn’t afford it? What if her credit card didn’t work?” Panic had set in. She reached for the dress and began searching for a price tag. She checked all the usual places, under the arm and at the neck line. She checked the hem and around the zipper but to no avail. She swallowed hard and walked toward the counter.

“We like to keep our hangers so I’ll package it in a box for you” the sales lady said as she removed the dress and began to wrap it in tissue paper. Then she turned to the big brass cash register and began typing in numbers. Gladys opened her wallet and took out her card. She squeezed it tight and prayed it would cover the cost of the dress.

She watched as the card slid through the machine and waited like a gambler rolling the dice. She held her breath until she heard the machine start rumbling and whirling. The little machine spit out a receipt and the sales clerk tore it off and handed it to Gladys.

Her hand was shaking as she took the paper. She poised her pen over the signature line and slowly looked up the page to the total. She let out her breath and felt a wave of relief wash over her. She grabbed her box and headed out the door feeling a little guilty for her splurge when the sales lady added “you know if your hair were a little darker you would look just like Ms. Taylor in that dress.”

Gladys’ guilt instantly dissipated and she practically floated from the shop knowing that no one else at her 30 year high school reunion would be wearing Liz Taylor.

*Dear Jody over at Couture Allure and all other vintage experts please don't tell me it didn't belong to Ms. Taylor.  Because this is my story and I'm sticking to it."