Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just The Facts 4-4-2011

I have been remiss in report the goings on in the Flathead Valley.
There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 4-4-2010

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Christie Burns (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 3/23/2011

7:20 a.m. A woman “screaming at the top of her lungs” could be heard over an open line to 911. A Kalispell man was arrested for assault after biting and hitting the woman.

This would explain the screaming at the top of her lungs.

4:52 p.m. A Hungry Horse girl reported that her 15-year-old brother pushed her into a mud puddle then rode away on his bike.
You can call the police for that? REALLY? Man I would have kept the PD busy with Buck’s shinnanagins
5:22 p.m. A Martin City woman threatened to “gut” some people during a phone call..
Gut? Not just stick a shive in but to gut them? Wow!

3:07 a.m. A Martin City woman said she found some bruises on her body from two days ago.
Maybe it was from all that gutting she was doing.

Monday 3/28/2011

8:15 a.m. A man on Ridgewood Drive believes someone stole his identification and is collecting his unemployment.
How did that happen? I mean do you just walk into the unemployment office and throw down McLovin’s I.D. and say “give me my check”?

8:22 a.m. A Kila man was upset that someone had dumped a couch in his driveway. He also complained about a lack of green box sites and talked the about government conspiracies.
Yes, it is the great Couch Conspiriacy. What? You haven’t heard of it? Yes it has to do with a grassy knoll, the CIA and the Mafia and Mel Gibson.
10:44 a.m. A home on Brook Drive was toilet papered and egged sometime last week. Also, Feces was left on the front door step.
I don’t understand. They obviously had plenty of T.P. why leave it on the door step?

5:50 p.m. A Columbia Falls man reported that he slapped his wife.
Was he feeling guilty so he called or was he trying to beat her to it?

3:45 a.m. A man on West Reserve Drive complained about his neighbor’s excessively loud sexual activity. She was advised to quiet down.
Well that is embarrassing.
Tuesday 3/29/2011

10:20 a.m. A woman on Wettington Drive claimed her ex-boyfriend threw a tantrum and trashed her house during an argument over a neighbor. He was calm and putting away misplaced items when deputies arrived.
Well at least he picked up after himself.
1:54 p.m. A man on Kings Loop thinks someone stole a little bit of his firewood while he was moving. He hid the rest of the wood for the remainder of the move.
Where would you hide fire wood?
2:57 p.m. A stray dog took over a valley resident’s doghouse. The stray was taken by the animal warden to a bigger better dog house on Cemetery Road.
Would that make him a dog squatter?
7:09 p.m. An unfamiliar man was seen squatting and smoking a cigarette in the yard of an elderly couple’s peach house. Deputies found that the squatter was someone visiting the residents.
Was he sent to a bigger better house to squat on Cemetary road too?

Wednesday 3/30/2011

8:01 a.m. Someone in a silver Lexus on Highway 93 reportedly drove really fast, honked the horn then showed someone their middle finger.
Sounds like someone up there knows California sign language.
10:17 a.m. There is talk of litter on Goat Trail in Whitefish.
Was it the Goats talking of it?

8:21 p.m. Someone on Foothill Drive said a suspicious but clean-cut man tried to sell them meat out of his truck.
Yes I’m usually suspicious of men trying to sell me meat.
9:25 p.m. According to spectators, a Hungry Horse man ripped off his shirt then pushed a woman to the ground. She got up and punched him. The two left the scene on foot, beer cans in hand.
Was it the Hulk and Wonderwoman?

2:57 a.m. Someone reported a drunken person recklessly driving round and round the roundabout.
Well if they weren’t drunk before they will be now.
Thursday 3/31/2011
12:39 a.m. Someone tattled on the driver of an 80s Camaro who “squealed” their tires at a stop sign on Third Street West.
Dude! It’s a 1980’s Camaro, it can’t help but squeal its tires.
1:06 a.m. A Martin City woman believes a weird kid down the street called and told her she would die if she crossed the street. She also said that grownups have been throwing things at her house and the two incidents may be related.
Just another confirmation of that conspiriacy theory.
Sunday 4/3/2011
8:40 a.m. A Hungry Horse woman reported that her drunken ex-husband violated their parenting plan when he called the night prior and asked what kind of panties she was wearing.
Just exactly what kind of parenting plan would that be?
10:24 a.m. A small poodle wearing a red sweater ran away from its home on Smoke Ridge in Kila last night.
At least he was dressed warmly.

10:45 a.m. A truckload of wood was stolen from a home in Hungry Horse.
They should have hidden it.
3:01 p.m. A Kila woman said her ex-husband yelled at their daughter and made her cry. He then took away some of her stuff.
I didn’t realize Alec Baldwin’s ex lived in Montana.
10:30 p.m. A woman on Park Street reported that her 15-year-old daughter hit her and may have bitten her. At the time of the call she was trashing her room.
Just because your daughter is mean to you is no reason to trash her room

Now go on and be careful out there.

1 comment:

Bob said...

"4:52 p.m. A Hungry Horse girl reported that her 15-year-old brother pushed her into a mud puddle then rode away on his bike."

How can anyone fault a 15-year-old boy for pushing his hungry horse-girl sister into a mud puddle?