There are a million stories in the city.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 12-08-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)Monday 11/30/2009
12:01 a.m. Someone threw snowballs at passing cars in Martin City.
Was it the Abmoninal Snowman?
2:24 a.m. A car with a red light on top pulled into a driveway on Trumble Creek Road.
Now where I come from a car with a red light on the top means the police are in your driveway. Maybe they are there because you have been throwing snowballs at passing cars.
4:12 a.m. Reports of a woman being held against her will on Lower Valley Road proved unfounded. The situation involved a large amount of alcohol.
KYLE? IS THAT YOU? Did you do it again?
8:02 a.m. Someone at a local inn called saying that he hadn’t eaten in quite a while and couldn’t get out of his room. Authorities checked on him and found that he was perfectly fine.
Was he hoping to have Dominoes delivered?
4:22 p.m. Someone on Farm to Market Road has been receiving unwanted phone calls.
How many times do I have to say this? DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE!
11:49 a.m. An intoxicated man argued verbally with his wife, then left.
Why would he argue with her and then stay?
12:17 p.m. A young kid lying on the road near a Columbia Falls school had a stomachache but was otherwise fine.
That is what Trooper Bob would call a sh*t pain.
2:38 p.m. Two neighbors on Haywire Gulch cannot agree on an easement issue. A driveway may or may not overlap onto the wrong property.
Things are a bit haywire in the gulch. Hence the name Haywire Gulch
3:19 p.m. Someone walked into the Bigfork Fire Hall with their severed finger in tow. The individual received medical attention.
Wouldn’t it have been better if they had brought it in a cooler rather than towing it in?
6:09 p.m. A man with a metal walking stick was seen lying on the ground near a Whitefish gas station. Authorities checked it out and found that he was fine.
Maybe he had a sh*t pain.
8:25 p.m. A 13-year-old boy called to report that his mother had spanked him for misbehaving at home.
Okay I’m going to tell you my bad mothering story here. When Tadpole was about that age she came home from school and told me that they had learned about child abuse. She then proceeded to tell me that spanking was against the law and if I spanked her that she would call the cops. I patted my sweet child on the head and said “you would have a hard time dialing the phone with two broken hands.”
6:41 a.m. Someone on Dern Drive heard a sound outside their window. Although the reporting party suspected a prowler, no one was found on the premises.
It was the abdominal snow man
7:47 a.m. Someone called from Columbia Falls to report that their trailer was sinking. Specific details are unknown.
Was it IN the falls?
12:04 a.m. A female party called from a Bigfork bowling alley to report that someone had threatened her. The woman struggled to stay on the line because of her state of extreme intoxication.
I think I see the problem here. She was so drunk she thought that people were throwing the balls at her not at the pins.
The Joe Friday Quote of the week:
And then there's your first night on the beat. When you try to arrest a drunken prostitute in a Main St. bar and she rips your new uniform to shreds. You'll buy another one-- out of your own pocket.