Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Just The Facts 12-28-09

There are a million stories in the city.


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

The Flathead Beacon:

Police Blotter for the week ending 12-29-09

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Heather Jurvis (comments by Gladys)

Monday 12/21/2009

4:04 a.m. A suspicious male subject wandered around Whitefish. Authorities found that the man had merely gotten lost on his way home from a local bar.
What do you want to bet he was singing “Show me the way to go home, I’m tired and I want to go to bed. I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head…”

Tuesday 12/22/2009
11:28 a.m. A 16-year-old in Somers threatened her drunken mother with violence. Authorities arrived to find that the girl did not have a weapon.
Now why would she threaten such a fine example of parenting?
3:12 p.m. Someone called to report that their chainsaw had fallen from the back of their truck on Lost Creek Road. The chainsaw has not yet been located.
Duh! That’s why it’s LOST Creek road, it’s not FOUND Creek Road.
2:01 a.m. A resident of Maple Drive was unable to get to sleep, as his ex-wife refused to quite calling him on the phone and inquiring about their children.
Once again people don’t answer the phone. Block the call whatever but call 9*1*1*?
2:22 a.m. A man and his ex-wife engaged in a verbal altercation on Maple Drive.
See above.
Wednesday 12/23/2009
12:03 p.m. A skier was reported missing after going out-of-bounds on Whitefish Mountain. The individual has since been located.
Who called him out of bounds? The ski referee?
4:33 p.m. Someone on Truman Height’s Road drove across their neighbor’s property.
Maybe he couldn’t see the road.
5:26 p.m. An 84-year-old man took a little extra time in driving around the block. The anxious reporting party requested a welfare check.
Oh wait I think I know who drove across his neighbors yard.
Thursday 12/24/2009

11:08 a.m. A woman on Bierney Creek Road reports that her husband violated his restraining order and threatened her over the phone.
Merry Christmas honey..

4:27 p.m. A resident of Trumbull Canyon Road in Columbia Falls was displeased to find that someone had blocked the driveway with their vehicle. The reporting party later called back to cancel the call.
I guess he decided to take matters into his own hands..
6:23 p.m. A car caught fire but was extinguished by the local fire department.
And this was the result.
12:46 a.m. A suspicious vehicle on Buckboard Lane was gone when authorities arrived.
Maybe it was Santa. I like Santa…

2:06 a.m. An unwanted intoxicated transient pounded on the door of an apartment on Highway 35. Authorities encouraged him to move along.
Maybe it was Santa, I like Santa.

Monday 12/28/2009

12:48 a.m. An intoxicated male subject walked out onto the Whitefish River and fell through the ice. The man was rescued and taken to the hospital.
This action was preceeded by the statement “Hey Y’all WATCH THIS. Can someone hold my beer?”
2:19 a.m. An unwanted intoxicated transient was banging on doors at a local apartment complex.
Santa? Is that YOU? You’re late!

2:33 a.m. Two men in front of a local pizzeria refused to stop fighting until the responding officer deployed a taser. Both subjects were escorted to jail.
How long do you think that officer waited to use his tazer? I can see it now he is on the radio to his boss:
Can I PLEASE? It will be my Christmas bonus.

11:18 a.m. A man showed up at a residence on Mallard Loop and threatened his wife of five months. Everyone was calm when authorities arrived.

I thought Charlie Sheen was in Aspen.
12:54 p.m. A 16-year-old girl refused to get into her parents’ car in Columbia Falls. The parents requested that authorities help “make her mind.”
How many times do I have to repeat myself? PARENT YOUR CHILDREN! JEEZE!


Brian Miller said...

getting shot with a tazer is no joke...not that it ever really happened to me...well...

Jaime said...

ha! maybe we should start arresting the people who call these in based on their own painful stupidity. but they're SO funny.

hope you had a good festivus

Crone and Bear It said...

Police reports and legal notices are two of my favorite things to peruse - so much good material there - okay I admit I sometimes like obits too.

LisaPie said...

Gladys, I love these posts. Keep 'em up, girlfriend! You are such a hoot! I do love to read you.