Monday, August 25, 2008

Where Did I Put My Glasses

Tell me this, why is it I can solve every crime on CSI way before Katherine, Greg and Grissom even have a clue? Why can I tell you who done it in almost every single mystery novel I have ever read by the end of the third chapter? Why is it I can pretty much tell you who I think is the real guilt party in most true-life crimes but for the life of me I can’t find my reading glasses?

It’s not like it is one of the great mysteries on earth but they disappear on a regular basis. What makes it worse is I don’t exactly live in a 30,000 sq ft mansion; I live in a 37 foot motor home. There are only so many places I can put them. Yet even with my limited space I will inevitably loose them at least twice a day. Oh it isn’t just glasses it is also keys, purse, pens, nail files, tweezers anything that can be lost I will loose it. I have even lost shoes. I have this rule for myself. The rule goes put it back where you found it. Then I can’t remember where I found it.

I forget other things too. I forgot how to spell my last name the other day. I was writing a check and could not remember how to spell my name. Is it hormone deficiency in my tottering old age? Naw I’m not that old. Is it that I have too many things on my mind and therefore put stuff in the back of my mind? Naw, that’s not it, ask my sister I have WAY too much time on my hands. Or is it I am slowly loosing my mind or at least my memory.

Is this another one of those things that happens to you as you age? I mean besides the fact that you have whiskers where one shouldn’t have whiskers. Really when did I become a cat? Do you start to loose your memory as you start to grow unwanted hair. Have I come upon a revelation that scientist have missed? That as the hair grows out of ones face it pulls your memory out of your brain?

If my theory is true then I just lost about 10 years worth of memories with the unicorn horn I saw growing between my eyes. No, I didn’t find my glasses so I could see it. I have a 20X mirror in my bathroom. It is kind of like looking in a fun-house mirror. Remember those at the carnival? One made you look really fat, one made you look really skinny and one kind of made you look like I look now all distorted. I think it could probably cause a seizure if you moved in and out of the frame of the mirror too fast.

What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the horn in the middle of my forehead. I went in to put on my make-up and moved toward the fun house mirror when the light caught it just right. There it was in all its hideousness right between my eyes. It wasn’t just the fact that the light hit it but the hair itself hit the mirror before my nose did. Yeah I have to get up pretty close to the fun-house mirror to see. Anyway there is this tree trunk of a hair and I start looking for my tweezers to tweeze this monstrosity out of my eyebrows only I can’t find my tweezers. I can’t find my glasses so I can see to find my tweezers but I have the 20X fun-house mirror so I can find the horn in my eyebrows.

Kahuna asks what I’m looking for and I say my tweezers. He asks if I looked in the cabinet in the bathroom. Duh, yeah I looked but I can’t see because I can’t find my glasses. He starts helping me look for my glasses. Again we become involved in the RV shuffle. Him moving this way, me moving that way both of us opening drawers, the refrigerator (hey I could have put them there for safe keeping), storage compartments we look all over the place and can’t find them. The only place left to look is in the jeep. Kahuna goes outside to look in the jeep I go back in the bathroom to see if maybe I can feel the tweezers and I look in the 20X fun-house mirror and realize that I am not wearing a headband. Wait if I’m not wearing a headband what is that on my head? Yeah you got it! It was my glasses. Kahuna came back in and I told him where I found them. He just hugged me. I finally found the tweezers and a chain saw and got rid of the 10 years of memory growing between my eyes.

I think I deserve a venti double cupped extra hot pumpkin spice latte. Now where did I put those keys? Wait where am I going?

No comments: