Friday, December 19, 2008

Just The Facts Ma'am


"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

Remember the old TV Show “Dragnet”? Sergeant Joe Friday and his partner Bill Gannon would get the report of the crime and they would “roll”? I loved that show and how Bill Gannon played by “Harry Morgan” would always try to lighten the always solemn straight man Friday, played by Jack Webb, up. It never worked but they always solved their crime.

Well what led me to think of “Dragnet”? It was reading the local paper of course. Kahuna brought home the Flathead Beacon yesterday. We were sitting by the fire after dinner and I opened up the paper. I turned to page 13 for some strange unknown reason. It was then that I heard the “Dragnet” theme in my head and I knew I had to share with you. So without further ado here are some excerpts from the Police Blotter.

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Tuesday 12/9
10:08 A woman called in because a dog bit her 10 days ago. She wanted to know if the animal had rabies. (I think I would have called in earlier and how would the police department know if the animal had rabies if she is just now calling in.)

11:56 A man suspects that someone stole the trees he planted. He thinks they are selling them as Christmas trees. (No sir that would have been my friend DeWayne getting Peggy Sue’s Christmas tree this year. *see the story here A Christmas Story.* I hope they left the squirrel out this year.)

12:17 A woman said her estranged husband was not supposed to be at her house, but he was. They were both advised to grow up. (I have no comment. This one speaks for itself)

Wednesday 12/10

11:56 A woman wearing a black jacket and beige pants was flagging down motorists. She was determined to be a road hazard. (Ok first of all why was she wearing a black jacket with beige pants? I mean that is just wrong. Does she not realize how big that makes your butt look? Second was she wearing the right accessories and what color were her shoes, because that is more important than what color her jacket was. Third just who determined that she was a road hazard and why? Was it because her butt looked so big in the beige pants? Was it because her outfit didn’t match her shoes? This one perplexes me. Was she determined to be a road hazard. Or is it she was determined to be a road hazard? I think we need a ruling on this one.)

08:29 A woman said she had mildew remover sprayed in her face two to three minutes ago. (Ok I know when I do something stupid like spray something in my own face that I call the cops. I mean I want to report that I committed a crime against myself. I am assuming she sprayed it herself since she didn’t accuse anyone else did it. Unless of course she was accosted by a rogue group of mildew fighting criminals, but you would think they would have included that in the report.)

12:27 A woman said she would rather die than be transported to the hospital. (Ok looks like you’ll get your wish. Now I wonder if she knows something we don’t? My guess she is the same woman who sprayed mildew cleaner in her own face)

11:14 Two third graders were passing notes. Apparently they were going to fight. Then they were caught. (Again this one says it all)

13:06 A full cart of groceries disappeared from a grocery store. Apparently, someone just walked out the door with them. (Well that is one theory. I mean they could have been beamed up to the Star Ship Enterprise. Maybe Mr. Spock was hungry for some Wolf Brand Chili and some eggnog.)

17:00 A Child, who was having a pillow fight while his parents were gone, suffered a head injury. (Maaaooowwwmmmm I swear it was just a pillow fight. I don’t know how that anvil got into my pillow case.)

03:04 A noise disturbance turned out to be kids playing a board game. (What board game are they playing? Were these same kids that had the pillow fight earlier? Ritalin is your friend mothers, I'm just saying.)

12:14 A missing person turned out to be in jail (I guess he really wasn’t missing was he?)

16:00 Everyone was intoxicated at a party, including a man who was taken to jail on a warrant for writing a bad check. (Did he write that to the cops? Was he trying to bribe them and they knew it was bad? Next time he’ll use is stole American Express Card. He should never leave home without it. Again see the above call he is now friends with Mr. Missing Person)

10:37 A man is thought to be cheating on his wife. (Now who would you be without that thought? You wouldn't be so uptight would you? You would be free. Free of the thought now if you have proof that's a whole different subject. Why would you call the police for just thinking he is cheating on you? Don’t you wait until after you have run over him 20 times with your car once you have caught him cheating to call the police?)

11:48 Every two minutes the phone rings but no one is there. (It’s called tinnitus and it can be cured. I suggest you call your doctor and not the police.)

And last but certainly not least….

02:23 There was a bloody male.
( See 10:37 above. It doesn’t appear she just “thinks” anymore.)

"We try to keep it as real as a guy pouring a cup of coffee." Jack Webb


Anonymous said...

Life in the BIG city! LOL

Anonymous said...

this is absolutely great...please save the actual paper because i want to see it

Queenie said...

This is exactly what I deal with every day as a newspaper reporter...except the Christmas that a man tried to crucify himself but couldn't figure out what to do once he had nailed one hand down on his homemade cross. Then there was the guy who decided to kill himself: he crashed his car into a telephone pole with a plastic bag over his head and a boa constrictor around his neck. Is that what they all overkill?

Bob said...

Quite a crime spree there.