Just The Facts Ma'am

There are a million stories in the city.

Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")

A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 12/17

1:10 a.m. The person who stole two cartons of cigarretes from an Evergreen bar will be talking to the authorities soon. There is video of the incident.

I can hear it now. “Hey Bob isn’t that your brother-in-law Fred? Yeup that’s him. Wow look at that he is wearing the ski mask you got him last Christmas. Welp guess we’d better go pick his sorry ass up. You better call the missus and let her know her brother will be hole up in the jail for New Years”.

3:15 a.m. Someone had pneumonia.

They called 911 for this? Come on you can do better than this!

12:39 p.m. A 16 year old tested positive for marijuana. He was taken to the detention center.

Wait! There was a test??? I didn’t study! The dog ate my homework. No really that isn’t my urine, it’s my dog’s.

12:47 p.m. A light pole was hit by a vehicle.

Dude! Was this before or after he tested positive for marijuana?

4:09 p.m. There were some loose cows off Vanderheide.

“Hey Maw, have you seen them there cows?” “Yes, Paw, I done told you, theys going to town to do some Christmas shopping.”

5:07 p.m. Someone thought a couple of people sitting in a parked car were suspicious because they were wearing pajamas. It turned out at least one of them was. He was arrested on a $185 warrant for theft.

I know that I am suspicious of pajama wearers. So my question was he arrested for wearing pajamas or for stealing the pajamas? And WOW $185 dollars for pajamas! I would be wearing those things everywhere too!



10:00 p.m. Someone’s mother could hear things being thrown and words being yelled from their daughter’s room.

Um, did you try opening the door and tell her to shut up?

Friday 12/19

11:49 a.m. A woman said she saw a man ski through her yard.

“Hello 911? Yeah there is a man with a ski mask on in my yard. No he’s not trying to rob me. No, he is skiing. Yes he is skiing through my yard. Hello? Hello?”

10:47 p.m. A concerned citizen reported that two older men were smokig marijuana outside of a bar on the west side of Kalispell.

Was that before or after he stumbled drunk to his car and drove out of the parking lot?

11:32 p.m. Someone allegedly saw a man who resembled Mr. Clean.

Ok I just don’t know WHAT to say here.

Saturday 12/20

1:58 a.m. There was an unconscious person near Coot Court.

Coot Court? Really? Who named this place?

Monday 12/22 (notice we jumped straight to Monday? Criminals always take Sundays off)

1:04 a.m. It’s not certain whether a woman missed her flight.

Uh? I never knew you were supposed to call 911 for missing your flight. I thought you were just supposed to stand at the gate kicking your luggage and cussing.

1:23a.m. A 16 year old female hasn’t come home. She is with her 19 year old boyfriend.

Um, somebody needs to tell that boy that 16 will get you 20. Come on people PARENT your own children!


11:54 a.m. When a woman turned on her radio she said she could heare a message in Morse Code. A deputy listened to the radio and thought the same thing.

Tadpole, your wrong. Schizophrenia is contagious.


5:59 p.m. A man thought his neighbor must be drunk. He was sitting in his car but it wasn’t running. Turns out he wasn’t drunk he was just extremely bored.

Another one that needs no comment.

Officer Frank Smith: Christmas cards, huh? A little late, aren't you?

Sergeant Joe Friday: Well, I was going to send them out Monday, but we had that stakeout.

I'll be 10-8 at the donut shop.