Ode to Toilet

The French call it toilette, the German is die Toilette, Greek it is τουαλέτα, Italian is bagno, the British call it the loo but the ones I’ve seen lately I just call foul!

First let me warn you this may be graphic or gross but it is something I’ve been wondering for awhile now. So if you are squeamish or easily offended then I suggest you step back on the platform because this train is leaving the station.

Men pee standing up (yeah I know I’m Captain Obvious) and you expect them to pee on the floor now and then. I mean they are standing there holding their prize possession in their hand and they get a little creative. Hummm let see if I can make my initials in the blue water…ooops or I’ve had a few to many Bud’s and I’m seeing two bowls. You expect that it doesn’t mean you don’t make them clean it up but hey they are guys they think with that thing in their hands.

Women sit when they pee (Again I know I’m being C.O. but I’m going somewhere with this). Then why is it women’s public restrooms have pee all over the seats, the floor and the walls? It is gross! It is disgusting and confusing. What do these women do? Prop themselves up on the seat then aim? How? Oh…but it gets worse. It seems like a disturbing number of public restrooms, I mean in nice restaurants and nice shops have excrement on the walls of the stalls. Yes I’m talking shit on the walls of the women’s restrooms. I told you to step off the train if you didn’t want to be grossed out.

WHO DOES THIS? I can’t imagine why or who would do such an abominable thing? How does one spew fetid feces out the anal orifice of one’s body and have it splatter on the wall in a pattern that makes the beholder not quite sure what it is. Then it boggles my mind that it is a woman. I don’t imagine women being so crass or crude to spray feces and urine all over a public restroom facility. Do they sit around and plan this? What do they say “Hey, Gertrude, how bout we go down to the Panache’ Grill and spray some sheit on the wall. Buuuurrrrrrpppp, plthtttthhhh, hehe, that was a good-un wudn’t it?” I just don’t see it. It offends my feminine sensibilities. Heck it offends my masculine sensibilities. Oh wait is there such a thing? Hum I’ll have to study on that one.
This phenomenon may explain why women go to the bathroom in multiples. Maybe they have to go two by twos so they can hold each other up and aim like a poospewing machine gun. Ok Hazel it’s my turn now. I want to shoot that wall over there. YeeHaw this is more fun than tipping cows!

It’s not that these restrooms aren’t cleaned on a regular basis so it means this happens more than any of us want to think about. They do clean their restrooms don’t they? What? You think the workers do this? No! “Hey Hazel, I know a way to get back at the dickhead boss Billy Joe Bob, we’ll just saunter into the ladies and spray our sheit on the walls. That’ll show him for scheduling me on double Bud night at the bowling alley”. See that makes no sense because Hazel and Gertrude would be the ones having to scrub it up. Because Billy Joe Bob isn’t going to clean the ladies room, heck he doesn’t clean the Men’s room, that there is wimmin’s work.

I can’t speak for the men’s rooms, since I try not to visit them on purpose, but I’m thoroughly disgusted with women’s use and abuse of the restroom. I try not to use public restrooms but like they say, when you have to go, well, you know the rest. So when I do visit the powder room (not that women use much powder anymore) I am scrutinizing everyone in there to see if they might be the spewing culprit.

That is my pet peeve and my rant for the day. I’m going to go get a skinny vanilla extra hot double cupped latte but I will not be using the loo.