Back in April of this year I spent a lot of my slack-ass time sitting on the front patio of our abode and reading books, drinking iced tea and generally enjoying the bright sunshine. Only it seems that I’m not the only creature who enjoyed lounging on my patio. One sunny afternoon after I had gone in the house to prepare lunch for Kahuna and I there arose a terrible ruckus from the dogs. The little hairy wiener was about to have a stroke he was barking so much. Then Kahuna ran in the back door and told me to go watch a snake. “WHAT?” I screamed “You want me to what? Watch a snake? Surely you have me confused with a crazy person.” Kahuna sighed really big and then grabbed my arm and drug me outside and said “Stand here and watch where that snake goes.” I looked across the yard and there was the biggest ugliest diamond back rattlesnake I never wanted to see. Kahuna left me there shaking in my flip flops trying not to have a heart attack or an apoplexy. I pull out my trusty point and shoot camera and start taking pictures with the extreme zoom feature. Then it started slithering through the dust toward my patio. Yes the patio where I sat and read just mere minutes before. I started hollering (I don’t yell, I’m from Texas I holler) for Kahuna to come quick. He yells (he’s from California so he yells) back at me “Just watch it I’ll be right there. It is slithering onto the concrete slab of the patio as Kahuna came around the corner with a home-made snake killing machine a machete strapped to an extension pole. Then he got the water hose and started shooting water at the snake to get it out from behind a chair. I was very close to having a nuclear meltdown. I mean think about it he was pissing off an already pissed off poisonous snake in the very near vicinity of the biggest snake-a-phobe on the planet. The only explanation would be that Kahuna had a death wish that particular day. Then when Mr. Poisonous Snake curled up and started rattling his tale and striking at the air and water Kahuna makes his move and slices at his head with the machete pole. Mr. Snake made a run for it and got past the doorway before the mighty Kahuna struck again. This time his strike was true and he was able to cut into the snake who decided to curl up around the machete pole. The deed was done; Kahuna was victorious over both the snake and his snake-a-phobic wife.
I told you that story to tell you that I left the house today and at the end of our dirt road just where it meets the pavement I ran over a rattlesnake only I didn’t realize it was a snake. I really wasn’t paying attention. It’s December from criminey sakes, the snakes are suppose to be sleeping. I drove over it like an idiot, then realized “SNAKE”. I watched in my rear view mirror as it slithered away. I just hope it remembers that I let it get away when I’m lolling on my patio next spring and it decides it likes my herb pot.
Oh but that isn’t all. No the snakes don’t seem to be done with us this year. I had to run to town to pick up a few odds and ends at the Squalmart and Nature Boy killed one on the sidewalk to the front door. Yes the very same front door that I had just minutes before I had walked out of and down the very same snaky sidewalk.
I am thinking someone needs to give these snakes some Tylenol PM or some Lunesta or something. It’s DECEMBER, they should be asleep! So I am not sitting on my snaky patio reading and lolling about anymore. I am not walking out my front door down my snaky sidewalk anymore. I am not driving down my snaky dirt road anymore. I am going to be a hermit and sit inside and never go into the snaky outdoors ever again! I did tell you I hate snakes didn’t I?