Monday, December 1, 2008

Techman playing with our friendly neighborhood Rat Snake. You notice I'm no where around. I was hiding under my bed.

I am going to start this with just one simple statement. I HATE SNAKES. No really I hate them. I don’t care if they “good” snakes or “bad” snakes (ha ha I said “good” snake, as if.) Okay honestly to me there are no non-deadly snakes. They are all deadly. I mean if I see a snake someone is likely to die. I will either have a heart attack and die or I will trample the nearest person to me trying to get away and they will die or I will grab the nearest shovel and well the snake will be dead. So you see I just don’t believe there are any non-deadly snakes.
Back in April of this year I spent a lot of my slack-ass time sitting on the front patio of our abode and reading books, drinking iced tea and generally enjoying the bright sunshine. Only it seems that I’m not the only creature who enjoyed lounging on my patio. One sunny afternoon after I had gone in the house to prepare lunch for Kahuna and I there arose a terrible ruckus from the dogs. The little hairy wiener was about to have a stroke he was barking so much. Then Kahuna ran in the back door and told me to go watch a snake. “WHAT?” I screamed “You want me to what? Watch a snake? Surely you have me confused with a crazy person.” Kahuna sighed really big and then grabbed my arm and drug me outside and said “Stand here and watch where that snake goes.” I looked across the yard and there was the biggest ugliest diamond back rattlesnake I never wanted to see. Kahuna left me there shaking in my flip flops trying not to have a heart attack or an apoplexy. I pull out my trusty point and shoot camera and start taking pictures with the extreme zoom feature. Then it started slithering through the dust toward my patio. Yes the patio where I sat and read just mere minutes before. I started hollering (I don’t yell, I’m from Texas I holler) for Kahuna to come quick. He yells (he’s from California so he yells) back at me “Just watch it I’ll be right there. It is slithering onto the concrete slab of the patio as Kahuna came around the corner with a home-made snake killing machine a machete strapped to an extension pole. Then he got the water hose and started shooting water at the snake to get it out from behind a chair. I was very close to having a nuclear meltdown. I mean think about it he was pissing off an already pissed off poisonous snake in the very near vicinity of the biggest snake-a-phobe on the planet. The only explanation would be that Kahuna had a death wish that particular day. Then when Mr. Poisonous Snake curled up and started rattling his tale and striking at the air and water Kahuna makes his move and slices at his head with the machete pole. Mr. Snake made a run for it and got past the doorway before the mighty Kahuna struck again. This time his strike was true and he was able to cut into the snake who decided to curl up around the machete pole. The deed was done; Kahuna was victorious over both the snake and his snake-a-phobic wife.

Get off my Patio Mr. Snake!

The Great Kahuna, snake killer extroidinaire and his snake killing machete pole.

I told you that story to tell you that I left the house today and at the end of our dirt road just where it meets the pavement I ran over a rattlesnake only I didn’t realize it was a snake. I really wasn’t paying attention. It’s December from criminey sakes, the snakes are suppose to be sleeping. I drove over it like an idiot, then realized “SNAKE”. I watched in my rear view mirror as it slithered away. I just hope it remembers that I let it get away when I’m lolling on my patio next spring and it decides it likes my herb pot.
Oh but that isn’t all. No the snakes don’t seem to be done with us this year. I had to run to town to pick up a few odds and ends at the Squalmart and Nature Boy killed one on the sidewalk to the front door. Yes the very same front door that I had just minutes before I had walked out of and down the very same snaky sidewalk.

I am thinking someone needs to give these snakes some Tylenol PM or some Lunesta or something. It’s DECEMBER, they should be asleep! So I am not sitting on my snaky patio reading and lolling about anymore. I am not walking out my front door down my snaky sidewalk anymore. I am not driving down my snaky dirt road anymore. I am going to be a hermit and sit inside and never go into the snaky outdoors ever again! I did tell you I hate snakes didn’t I?


Anonymous said...

Oh, I definitely agree that the next time there is a snake in your vicinity, a nice cocktail of whatever snakes eat full of Lunesta is a great idea. I think you need to keep a container full of that on the porch when you sit out there, throw it at the snake and watch him fall alseep. Then have Kahuna get rid of it. It IS December already. The snakes must be confused or something.

We actually had a pet snake named "Buddy". Or, what I should say is that Richad had the pet snake. It was a small corn snake, or red rat snake, depending on what you wanted to call it, that basically sat around doing nothing all day for years. He fed it live mice (OMG. SO GROSS!)and then it made the foulest smelling snake poops. He eventually gave it to the Chicago Herpetological Society where, if it's still alive, it is breeding to make more useless snakes.

Anonymous said...

By the way, I LOVE the photo you're using for your new blog. It's fab.

Anonymous said...

We had a similar rattlesnake influx one year, so I got on the phone and called a local herpetologist for help. Even though we grew up with rattlers, there were 350 acres for them to roam...and we knew to respect their territory.
However, we hardly expected to have a rattlesnake issue in the city limits on the new farm.
Here is what I learned:

1. Plant shrubs AWAY from your house (versus against the house), such as at the edge of the lawn.

Snakes like to have a hiding place, so keep them away from the house by providing them a nice place to hide (your way to be kind to snakes!)far away from the house. This is also why they want to crawl along the floor next to a wall, open spaces make them nervous.

2. CAULK all cracks around your house and patio!! Also, check for holes in the yard and other places.

You would be surprised how small a crevice they can crawl into. I realized my patio had some cracks I had not even noticed..caulking helped a lot
Poisonous snakes CANNOT build holes of their own, they are dependent on finding an existing one. This means (in my thinking) they cannot dig out either! HA!! take that snake (tosses dirt in their holes)

3.IF you encounter a snake, try NOT to make it mad (Kahuna, this means you!). Most people get bitten by making a snake mad in the effort to kill it (this is a fact the snake man told me.)
If it is small enough, grab a broom. YES A BROOM and a trash can..who knew? The bristles in a broom will confuse a snake's sensory mechanisms. You can hold the broom against the snake and confuse it...lay the trash can down and just sweep it into the trash can.
Okay, now I know what you are thinking cause I am thinking the same. This will work well on a small snake..but what about that HUGE MONSTROUS snake? I didn't ask the snake man about the HUGE monstrous snake..we just grab the gun and shoot the sucker. Someday we will get arrested for firing a gun in the city limits, but so be it! Gladys, let's make a pact..we will bail you out if you bail us out.

4.Snakes are made nervous by vibrations, so I am thinking there must be some development in progress in your area.

Did you know that a snake rattles because he is trying to warn you to get back? He realizes you are too large for him to eat..and he wants to save his venom for a tasty he is giving you a warning that he does not want to waste his venom on you, but he will if you give him no choice. So don't make him choose between you and a mouse.
He surmises by the size of the vibrations how big the threat is. Since the snakes are moving about in December, I am guessing there is a big threat to them in the form of bulldozers.

Okay, that is my two bits for the day. Tell Kahuna I appreciate him taking good care of my cousin..nothing like a big strong brave man between a woman and a snake!
Quirky cousin

Bob said...

trooper bob says---you people know nothing about snakes what you do is get 3 or 4 MILE OR MORE BIRDS put them in cage NO MORE SNAKES. now you ask what is a MILE OR MORE BIRD--- THAT IS A BIRD STIKES HIS HEAD IN GROUND FARTS YOU CAN HEAR HIM A MILE OR MORE?

Meg said...

Lmao! Sorry, but I hate snakes too, however, I have been known to kill one or two, like the one that got IN MY HOUSE in JANUARY one year! Go read my post about was hilarious and scary, but I lived through it! Bless your heart, I know how you feel...we live out in the country and I never relax anymore between the snakes and the damn scorpions!

Sending you hugs...feel better sweetie..OH (!) and I will drink a Marg in your honor in the hopes that you feel it even from here!

Love ya!

Girly Stuff said...

Snakes in December? Does this mean more snakes than normal in the spring?

Mother Hood said...

Snakes are gross and evil. They remind me of Satan in the Garden of Eden. And look how that ended up!