Just The Facts 8-18-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.

"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."

The Flathead Beacon:Police Blotter for the week ending 8-17-09. A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…

by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

Wednesday 8/12/2009

5:59 a.m. A fire blazed in the kitchen of a Lakeside café but was soon extinguished by the kitchen’s discharge system.
I guess the blackened chicken REALLY is blackened.

I thought you said you wanted your chicken to smoke.

9:00 a.m. A Hungry Horse resident who has not been seen in the neighborhood for quite some time turned out to be enjoying a vacation.
I’m glad someone noticed I was gone and that I’ve not been devoured by my 47 hungry dogs.

9:08 a.m. A house on West Bowman Drive was cruelly pelted with raw eggs.
As opposed to what?

The house being nicely pelted with raw eggs?

6:09 p.m. Authorities responded to a report of a “drunk guy on a horse,” who was reportedly swerving across all lanes of traffic on Highway 83. The man was gone when officers arrived. The horse, however, was not..
The horse was not what? Drunk? Gosh I hate riding drunk horses. I mean especially those who can’t hold their liquer. I one time had a horse that acted like he was on crack when he ate alfalfa, the hay not the Little Rascal.

10:47 p.m. Someone collided with a “large brown animal” on Highway 93. The creature may have been a moose.

It was Bigfoot. Gosh I hope he’s alright because last week he left someone an ATV. I was kind of hoping he would leave me a new Ferrari.

2:21 a.m. A man left a local hospital while under the influence of narcotics. His location is still unknown.
His location is probably unknown to him too. You know it is the 40th anniversary of Woodstock, I'm just sayin....

4:18 a.m. A camper and a nearby tree were fully engulfed in flames on Orchard Ridge Road. No individuals were injured in the blaze.
Did he, the camper, spontaneously combust? I mean I’ve heard of that happening and I even watched an episode of CSI where Grissom proved that it can’t happen, and if Grissom says so then it's true.
Thursday 8/13/2009

9:00 a.m. Two blonde women stood suspiciously outside a business on River Road. Further investigation revealed that they were merely having a conversation.

Ok what’s the punchline?

8:44 a.m. Two cows escaped the confines of a fence on Halfmoon Road in Columbia Falls. Authorities contacted the owner and encouraged the cows to return home.

How did they encourage them? It sounds like maybe instead of tasers the police in Columbia Falls need to carry cattle prods.

9:43 p.m. A small aircraft was temporarily misplaced but was later located at its intended destination in Libby.
How do you misplace a plane? Was the pilot so drunk that he didn’t remember flying it there? Hey I think he was my pilot to Little Bitty City.
Friday 8/14/2009

6:56 a.m. A man and a woman quarreled on Harmony Road.
Again doesn’t sound very harmonious to me.

1:25 p.m. A stuck light bulb began smoking and emitting an electrical smell at a Columbia Falls casino. Columbia Falls fire officials responded and removed the problem bulb.
How many gamblers does it take to remove a lightbulb? 16 to one. (Hey give me a break I haven't had my coffee yet.)

1:53 p.m. Someone in Hungry Horse received a threatening phone call from his mother. She evidently plans to have the Hell’s Angels cause him bodily harm.
Funny my mother just threatened me with the boogyman or no Santa Clause.

6:10 p.m. Authorities could not locate an illegal slash pile on Hoffman Draw.
Ok just so you know a slash pile is a pile of brush and wood debris not the ex-lead guitarist of Guns and Roses

6:20 p.m. A 45-year-old individual was tossed from a horse on Farm Road. The victim received medical care but did not go to the hospital.
My daddy would tell him “You gotta get back up on that horse and ride it otherwise he’ll never know whose boss.”

8:44 p.m. What sounded like shots fired from an AK-47 rang out on Cramer Creek Road. A resident feels that this is highly unsafe due to a high concentration of children and pets in the area.
When IS firing an AK-47 safe?

Calling all cars, Calling all cars, please be informed that today is the blogger known as Sweet Tea's Birthday. Y'all go on over and wish her a happy birthday. Rumor has it she turns 29 again today. That is all.....