The parking gods however were with me and I was able to squeeze in between two other cars.
As I stood there I really didn’t know if I had everything I needed or if I had brought too much. In line next to me stood a foreign man eating something from a make-shift bar-b-que grill. It looked like a cross between a pita and a tortilla so I assumed he was an immigrant from Latvia. I was wrong. Upon inquiry I learned he was from some place called Nunadamnbidness. I am always excited to meet new people from new places so I promptly questioned him as to what he was cooking and he said it was something called a Gottohell. Well I guess we all have our odd dishes. Yes, I met many friendly people at the 9th gate of hell.
I stood trying to balance my coffee and read my book when from the fringe of the parking lot I heard “my brothers and sisters I want to speak to you of your soul. We stand here today on the cusp of heaven and hell. I am here to save your soul. Believe in him and ye shall be saved!” yelled the street evangelist from the curb. I looked around at my fellow line standers. I yelled back to the pulpiter “too late we are already there!” I didn’t mean to yell this, it just slipped out. My filter fell off and what I was thinking came out of my mouth, yet another sign of old age.
I stood and waited and moved centimeter by centimeter toward the door. (Now I just have to interject that I am horrible at the metric system and wouldn’t know a centimeter from a centipede). We moved not to the light but to the dark. It was plenty light outside and hot. After several hours of standing in the line in the hot sunshine I entered the 9th gate into the 7th level of hell. There in front of me was a large sign that stated “START HERE”. I scooted my way to the counter where I was met by one of Satan’s minions. Two cold dead eyes looked at me from a furrowed brow “do you have an appointment” asked the monotone voice. I swallowed hard and squeaked out “no”. The he croaked out “what are you here for?” I took a deep breath and said “I need to renew my driver’s license.” The zombie-like employee pulled a number from the printer and handed it to me.
I looked at the number then I looked at the sign which stated “We are now happily serving number: A0004”. I looked again at the number in my hand which said “G056”. Gosh I might get seen by the year 3014 if the inside line moves as fast as the outside line.
Finally after several hours of checking the screen every 5 seconds; I looked up at the screen and up popped “We are now happily serving G055”. My excitement was barely manageable. I started gathering my belongings and turning the hotdogs on the grill. I was ready to head to the next available clerk. Then the screen changed and it read “We are now happily serving C0010.” WHAT? Wait what happened? We skipped back to C? Why? What fresh hell is this? I looked to my right and the Martian lady was non-plussed. I looked to my left and the 85 year old man was snoring loudly while holding one of my charred hotdogs in his hand. I wanted to protest but to whom? I took a deep breath remembering to place my tongue in the roof of my mouth and draw the air deeply into my lungs just like my cardiologist told me to. I mean honestly I didn’t want to have a heart attack there in the DMV and loose my place in line. I relaxed my shoulders and settled back into my molded plastic chair. I started reading once again about the Tazingy fly, hey it was the only book I could find in my library in the car, and settled into my fate.
Then I heard the Martian lady cluck several times then she clicked and my eyes were drawn to the screen. “We are now happily serving G056” brightened the screen. I jumped up and in my excitement yelled “BINGO!” I lugged my stuff to window number 6 where I was met by yet another DMV Zombie. Now I just have to ask where you think they find all these zombies. Do you think they are zombies when they are hired or do they turn into them after working there for a specified period of time? What does the want ad look like for the position? “You too can be a zombie! Apply at your local DMV TODAY! Be ALL the Zombie you can be.”
Anyway that is how I spent my birthday.