Just The Facts for 9-7-09

There are a million stories in the city.Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.")
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 9-7-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (comments by Gladys)

I haven't been posting these since I've have been on the road again. I thought I would take the best of the last two weeks and post them. This is by no means all of them just the ones that really jumped out at me.

Thursday 8/20 /2009

3:05 p.m. Two guys in a canoe reportedly stole an unattended lifejacket from another boater on River Road. The thieves left a note on the victim’s truck informing him that they had stolen the item.
What nice thieves, to leave a note.

Friday 8/21/2009

7:39 p.m. Someone spun a brodie in the parking lot of a local church, marring the new paint stripes on the asphalt.
Now who do you suppose made him do that? Hum? Could it be SATAN?

9:33 p.m. A married couple engaged in a heated verbal argument at a Bigfork bed and breakfast. Evidently, the wife recently discovered that her husband has been involved in extramarital affairs.
What did the desk clerk call him by name? Did he ask if he wanted the room on his tab?

Monday 8/24/2009

12:58 a.m. A pants-less female subject was discovered near a vehicle parked on Lower Valley Road. Authorities invited the woman to pull up her trousers and move along.
I wonder where her pants she had to be invited into pulling them up?

3:59 a.m. Someone stole a 30-pack of inexpensive beer from a convenience store on Reserve Drive.
Hey if you are going to steal a 30 pack of beer go for the expensive stuff or at least the Heineken.
Tuesday 8/25/2009

2:28 p.m. Authorities interrupted an individual snoozing outside an Evergreen office supply store and encouraged him to move along.
See 9:33 p.m. 8/21/09. Wife finding out husband was having extramarital affairs.

Wednesday 8/26/2009

8:45 a.m. Approximately $1000 was stolen from an automotive dealer in Kalispell.

Well it’s about time because they have been stealing from us for years.

12:37 p.m. Someone called to report an incident of animal abuse on McMannamy Draw. According to this individual, "Jehovah’s Witnesses" approached his home and did something to his dog with a remote control.
Oh great now they have Mind Control Devices.

Thursday 8/27/2009

9:02 a.m. Several peacocks explored Springcreek Road, wandering into oncoming traffic. The loose fowl are apparently an ongoing problem.
Hey those pea-hens can be mean, they aren’t just a problem they are a danger.

7:32 p.m. Two black labs, a blue heeler and a Chihuahua attacked an intoxicated individual on Shady Lane. The reporting party bravely fought them off with a garden hose.
I’m sorry but I would have been the most scared of the Chihuahua.

2:54 a.m. A male individual fled a local convenience store with a 30-pack of beer.
I hope this time he stole the good stuff.
Friday 8/28/2009

6:29 a.m. A local coffee shop was entered in the night through a cut screen window. The intruder left with a case of Red Bull and an unspecified number of blueberry muffins.

Sounds like a case of the munchies.

9:35 a.m. Several stray llamas wandered about on Rhodes Draw

Where they Drama Llamas?

12:23 p.m. Someone on Shady Lane complains that his wife habitually throws things around the house, yet somehow he is always the one arrested when authorities arrive.
Again see 8/21/09...

12:51 p.m. Unescorted llamas were returned to their Rhodes Draw home.
Well that answers the Drama Llama question.

Monday 8/31/2009

5:23 p.m. An intoxicated man tipped over near a convenience store on Meridian Road.
He tipped over? Tipped over what? An Outhouse? A cow?

7:27 p.m. Someone in Coram noticed a pedestrian who looked suspiciously like a suspect in a recent rash of home break-ins. The concerned observer wanted to know if he could tase and handcuff the individual.
Was it Lulu and Stephanie? Ok only those of you who read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum books will get this. So go read them.

10:44 p.m. A resident of Birch Drive in Evergreen reports that an unfamiliar individual knocked on the door and invited himself into the home. The intoxicated visitor evidently wanted to watch a television evangelist with the homeowner.
Well I guess Benny Hinn just has that effect on people.
Tuesday 9/1/2009

7:51 p.m. Someone called to report that a man wearing white shorts and no shirt had been sitting on a picnic table near Foys Lake since early in the morning. Although the reporting party found this extremely strange, the man expressed that he was "just enjoying the day."
Yes well it is unusual to “just enjoy the day”.
Wednesday 9/2/2009

2:13 p.m. A man was seen standing on a bridge in Columbia Falls with his britches down. Authorities responded and encouraged him to pull them back up.Wonder what he was throwing off the bridge?9:37 p.m. An individual wearing a purple tank top became belligerent when the clerk of a local convenience store refused to sell him alcoholic beverages. The man was extremely intoxicated at the time of this event.
Obviously he was extremely intoxicated; he was wearing a purple tank top.

9:58 p.m. Someone found it suspicious that an individual was looking at RVs in the lot of a local RV dealership.
Wow that is suspicious.

Thursday 9/3/2009

1:28 p.m. A 66-year-old male lost consciousness in Coram after an arduous six day drive from Texas. The exhausted man was transported to the hospital.
I have made that trip and totally understand.

350 p.m. Three intoxicated men sat on a bench near a Lakeside grocery store. Two of them were identical twins, the other an older brother.

Was it Larry, Daryl and his other brother Daryl?.

6:24 p.m. A blonde man wearing a t-shirt and a hat that read “I Know Jack” reportedly tossed a bottle into the river just inside Glacier Park. Keep reading...6:48 p.m. A blonde individual, noted in a previous report, apparently became belligerent and mooned a woman just inside the boundary of Glacier Park. The man then proceeded to yell and toss bottles into the river.

He just doesn’t know when to stop.

10:30 p.m. An anonymous caller claims that a chimpanzee beat him up and injured his dog at a Lakeside grocery store. The reporting party adamantly refused to disclose his name, and no such monkey could be located.
Could this be that proverbial monkey on his back?

Friday 9/4/2009

8:09 a.m. An individual on Blanchard Hollow Road engaged in a physical altercation with their romantic partner. Evidently, one party squirted the other with water from a plastic spray bottle. Big mistake! My daddy did this to my mother one time and I swear her skin pealed off her face and a demon came out and chased after my daddy.

8:19 a.m. Authorities destroyed an unknown amount of dangerous explosives on Patrick Creek Road.
See above.

8:28 p.m. A 300 pound black bear visited a porch on Toftum Lane in Columbia Falls.

Where does a 300 pound black bear sit when he visits your porch? ANY WHERE he wants to.