Just The Facts For the Week Ending 9-22-09

There are a million stories in the city.
Dum-dah-dum…dum-dah-de-dum-de-dum.
"The story you are about to hear is true; only the names have been changed to protect the innocent."
The Flathead Beacon:
Police Blotter for the week ending 9-22-09
A sampling of crime briefs from the Kalispell Police and Flathead County Sheriff’s reports…by Julius Macker (Comments by Gladys).

Wednesday 9/16

8:17 a.m. Highway 2 East in Coram was partially blocked by a scattered bale of hay.HEY! If it was scattered then how was it blocking the road? .

12:05 p.m. A drum set taken from a Mission Drive home turned out to be the subject of a civil issue.

Were they taken because they wanted to play them or wanted them NOT to play them?
5:16 p.m. A semi load of crushed cars leaned precariously on Highway 2 East
I have heard of the leaning tower of Pisa but not the leaning tower of crushed cars.

5:25 p.m. Someone in a vehicle with Washington license plates cut off a semi truck and proceeded to gesture obscenely toward the driver.

See above

8:49 p.m. Someone stuffed a just-killed turkey into a mailbox on KM Ranch Road. The reporting party saw a vehicle drive away but could not identify a suspect.

In New York the Mob puts a horse head in your bed. In Montana they stuff a turkey in your mailbox.
Thursday 9/17

2:06 p.m. Reports of a “man down” in Whitefish turned out to be a case of a simple leg cramp.

All I can think of is Monty Python's Black Knight...It's merely a flesh wound.

2:42 p.m. An officer shut her finger in a door at the Flathead County Detention Center.
I guess that detained her for awhile, or that is a good way to detain someone.

3:46 p.m. A vehicle hit a moose on Highway 2 near Glacier Park. No individuals were harmed in the crash.

Did anyone think to ask the moose?

3:49 p.m. A carburetor was stolen from a car at a local automotive shop.
Hey Fred you wanna steal this here car? Naw I got a car but hey I could use that carburetor.

4:57 p.m. A resident of Whitefish Stage Road called to report that his sister was currently on his property but had not been invited. The reporting party is currently in Las Vegas and was informed of the situation by a concerned neighbor.

Is Gladys Kravitz his neighbor? I mean honestly your sitting in the Bellagio putting your last five dollar bill in the penny slot machine and your cell phone goes off. Lucky you it’s your neighbor Gladys Kravitz.

8:52 p.m. Authorities trapped a bear on Griz Lane.
Hey I think I know why they named the street that.

9:22 p.m. Someone saw what was described as a “big fireball” in the sky on the north side of Hash Mountain. Although the reporting party believed it to be an aircraft, all planes in the area were fully accounted for and all was well. .

Are you sure that wasn’t hashish mountain?

11:04 p.m. A dead deer obstructed Highway 93.

Something tells me it was formally a life deer obstructing Highway 93 then the leaning tower of crushed vehicles came along and well you can figure out the rest.

11:50 p.m. A dead deer obstructed Foys Canyon Road.

Looks like the leaning tower of crushed cars was here too.
Friday 9/18

2:05 p.m. Gunshots rang out in the Happy Valley area, along with the sounds of angry yelling and screaming. Authorities responded but could not locate the source of the noise.
It doesn’t sound like Happy Valley was very happy...
Monday 9/21

7:18 a.m. A dead deer was removed from Birch Grove Road.
Once again the leaning tower of crushed cars has left carnage in it’s wake.

9:19 a.m. A mama bear and her three cubs wandered about on Hidden Valley Drive.
Doesn’t sound like they were hidden.

10:41 a.m. Two youths spotted a bear on Spotted Bear Road. The creature was reportedly wreaking havoc in the yard.
Imagine that a bear on Spotted Bear Road. I wonder if it was spotted?

11:22 a.m. After a night of partying at a local bar, a man was driven home in his own truck by another individual. The driver then apparently wrecked the vehicle and stole the reporting party’s motorbike from the back of the truck.
Wasn’t there a movie like this? If not maybe Quinton Tarantino needs to make one.

4:12 p.m. Two individuals, one man and one woman, stood in a Shady Lane yard and yelled at the homeowner. Although the reporting party claimed not to know them, the argument was later found to be a civil issue.

That doesn’t sound very civil to me.

10:13 p.m. A resident of Pickleville Lane in Somers saw two male subjects outside her window. Her husband chased them away, and they did not return.
I guess they figured they were in a pickle.